Chapter Text
It’s been four days since Rosalind's death
It has been four days, and it is taking everything in Tim to not check in on and try to take care of Lucy. He knows that she is strong and that she doesn’t need anyone but he also knows that she is human and if he feels relief at the death of the psychotic killer, he is sure Lucy is feeling that and so much more.
He sees her at the station and sees how her eyes somewhat glaze over when she is listening to Grey during roll call. He sees the red bleariness of her eyes which tells him that either she has a bout or allergies or she has been crying. He looks up the pollen levels in the area, hoping his gut instinct is wrong.
He isn’t wrong.
He sees the way she jumps when someone walks in beside her a little too quickly. He sees it in the forced smile that she bears, and he hears it in the way she answers a little too quickly when someone asks if she is alright.
He knows her.
But she isn’t his to know.
So he doesn’t check on her, he doesn’t ask her if she is alright.
He lets himself feel the grounding impact of the one loaded look they shared as he lowered himself into the hole of the house.
It’s all that he allowed himself that day.
And it is all he allowed himself in the days after. He stops himself from calling her every single night at 2:00 am, telling himself that Chris will take care of her, that she will be alright, and that she isn’t his to check on.
But then the next day, he catches her in the middle of a panic attack and suddenly he can’t stop himself from reaching for her, an attempt to both steady her and himself.
They both responded to a tense call. A woman who recently left her abusive husband was attempting to die by suicide. Her teenage son called it in to try and have officers talk her down from pulling the trigger. Lucy, Aaron, Tim, Angela, Nyla, Nolan, and Celina were all on the scene but Nyla insisted that yes, more tenured cops were on the scene, but that Lucy should talk to the woman, saying that her empathy and her psychological training would only help and would make her the most qualified person for this call.
This point was backed up by everyone else on the scene.
Lucy turned and looked at Tim, who gave her a gentle nod and a look that gave her all the confidence of her old training days.
She could do this, she thought.
And so she did.
The relief Lucy felt when the woman handed her the gun, there was nothing like it.
Afterward, as the woman was being taken to the hospital for observation and all the police shops started driving back to the station to finish the paperwork, Lucy felt panic start to rise in her chest as she stared at the gun in her hands.
“I’ve never felt that kind of relief before,” she says suddenly to Tim and Aaron.
“You would think I would have felt that when she died but no,” she continues as she stares blankly ahead and laughs humorlessly.
Tim turns to Aaron and they share a look as Tim signals to him to leave them. No one else needs to be here for this, she can fall apart safely with him.
“Luce,” he starts as he comes over to stand close near her and places a gentle hand on her upper arm, and uses his other hand to take the gun from her hands.
He unloads the gun and places it aside and uses both hands to gently cup her face, turning her whole body to mirror his own, leaning his forehead against hers.
“Luce, it is alright. Breathe slowly, in and out,” he instructs her gently as he places one hand against her chest to feel her breathing and uses his other hand to bring her trembling hand to his chest, “Feel my breathing, try to match it. Come on, Luce. Breath slowly in and out,”
It may be seconds or hours, they are not sure but when they both start to feel her breathing start to even out, they slowly start to dislodge themselves from each other.
He is grateful her breathing has evened out but he does take note of how he feels grounded by her presence and proximity.
“I’m sorry,” she says as she pulls away from him.
“You don’t get to apologize for any of this, Lucy,”
They are silent for a beat before she shares a particular confession.
“I think the reason I don’t feel the relief is because it feels too easy. She always had a plan for everything… going out via suicide by her psycho-killing partner? That sounds too easy,”
“You think she had something else planned that hasn’t happened yet?” he asks, the thought sending a shiver up his spine.
“I’m not sure but I know that I can’t sleep or breathe at night not knowing if something else is coming,” she says with a shudder.
“Luce,” he breathes her name before continuing, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You know why, Tim,” she says as she looks up at him sadly.
He does know why. It’s the same reason why he hasn’t reached out to her, why he hasn’t checked in on her even though that is all he has wanted to do for the past four days.
But seeing her like this, hearing her panic and her fears causes him to say the following to her.
“None of that matters. When it comes to this, you have me no matter what. You come to me whenever you feel like it, and I will listen and be here,” he tells her fiercely as he looks straight into her eyes.
“Tim-“ she starts but he interrupts her.
“No, Luce. Before anything else, I’m your friend. As your friend, I’m here for you whenever you want me to be,” he says to her genuinely as he finishes it with a gentle smile.
“Alright,” she says with a small smile.
“Alright,” he replies back.
*****
It’s later, much later back at the station when he sees her.
They share a small smile and a gentle clink of their coffee cups before he hears someone else calling her name
“Lucy!” Chris Sanford calls from across the station.
And suddenly that smile is back on her face, the one that is forced and just a little too bright.
It hurts him if he is being completely honest with himself.
She should be able to be fully herself with the person she is with.
He watches as she walks off with her boyfriend and so many thoughts run through his head as he does.
Does he know that she can’t breathe or sleep at night?
Does he know her fears?
Does he know how Tim helped her through her panic today?
Does he know her at all?
Does he know her as Tim does?
No.
And yet, Tim still feels like he is in an exile of their own making and he hates it.
******
You were my town
Now I'm in exile, seein' you out
I think I've seen this film before