Chapter Text
When Oikawa finally finds out, it's because he walked into the locker rooms first, finding Iwaizumi trying to stand up from the bench but failing, falling back down, barely catching himself with a pained grunt. Oikawa takes in the scene with speed and efficiency, darting back to the door immediately and closing it, whispering a silent prayer of thanks that the others were slow in joining him that day.
Oikawa doesn't say anything, doesn't force Iwaizumi to say anything, just helps Iwaizumi settle down against the lockers, because he doesn't seem to be able to handle the balance needed for the bench, and whispers to "pretend like you're sleeping," moments before all the others pile into the locker room, someone complaining loudly that they had smacked their nose against the door.
Iwaizumi doesn't know how to handle the situation, so he takes the easy way out, and simply follows Oikawa's instructions: he hunches forward, with his arms folded and his sweatshirt hood up, keeping his breathing even, no matter how much it wants to speed up because of the situation, and pretends to sleep.
All of the others act as normal, raucous and loud, laughing about their respective plans for the day and making fun of Kunimi's supposed "date" that night. They filter out relatively quickly, leaving Oikawa behind to joke that "somebody has to get the sleeping zombie up and make sure he gets home, after all!"
When they're finally alone, and the noise of their teammates has died down, the door slamming behind the last of them, Iwaizumi allows himself a bitter, hollow laugh. "Well, Oikawa, I know you've been curious. Here it is: Iwaizumi Hajime, in all his wretched glory. Unable to even stand without help."
He's bitter and callous, and when he lifts his head up to meet Oikawa's heartbroken gaze, his face is dry because he has no more emotions to spend on crying. His laugh is cruel, and his smile empty. "Ta-dah," he says, holding his arms out to the sides as if revealing the showstopper.
"Iwa-chan…" Oikawa breathes, but doesn't say anything else, just looks at his best friend quietly for a moment. Eventually he moves, mechanically, and reaches down, grabbing Iwaizumi's arm to throw around his shoulders, helping him walk until he can do it on his own, and starting to lead them back home.
When they make it most of the way home, where their paths split and Iwaizumi turned right while Oikawa turned left, Iwaizumi lifts his arm off from around Oikawa's shoulders. "No, no," he says when Oikawa starts to protest, "you go home, I can make it the rest of the way. I'm fine, I'm just… tired. So tired."
"All the more reason for me to make sure you get home safely!" Oikawa complains, "it's not like your house is much out of my way, Iwa-chan."
"Oikawa. C'mon. Just let me do this. Just this one thing." Iwaizumi pleaded, taking a single step away to show he has mostly regained his balance and the feeling in his legs. Oikawa worries at his lip, and Iwaizumi pulls out his trump card. "C'mon, Tooru, let me do this one thing on my own. I'll text if I die."
Oikawa stands still, teetering on the edge of the decision for a moment, before he finally nods and insists that Iwaizumi text him even if he's not dead when he gets home. Iwaizumi tiredly agrees, gripping his phone tightly in his hand, and begins his slow, wavering walk down the last block to his home. When he glances back before turning the corner, he sees Oikawa standing still, watching him. Raising an arm to let him know he was still alright, Iwaizumi turns the corner and allows Oikawa to disappear from view. He is just so tired. So very tired.
…
When Iwaizumi finally wakes up the next day, it's to the sluggish urgency that it's late, he has to get up, what time is it- he drags his arm up to his face, checking his wristwatch and groaning when he sees the time. It's already 2 o'clock in the afternoon. He's completely missed any semblance of school. It takes his tired out brain longer than usual to realize that it's Saturday and the only thing he's missed is his tutoring session.
He collapses back onto the pillows with a fwump, sighing. He can hardly keep everything straight. Slowly, the recollection of what happened last night comes trickling back to him, and he winces at the memory of Oikawa's face. He almost looked as broken up as Iwaizumi has been feeling.
Before he can wallow in his thoughts for too long, however, his stomach growls loudly, and he looks down at it. "Guess I haven't eaten in nearly a day, huh…" he murmurs, trying to recall if he'd eaten anything after he got home last night. "Well, might as well get up then."
When he finally shuffles into the kitchen, it's to find Oikawa sitting at the kitchen table with his mother, quietly talking. His mom spots him first, and hops up from the table, while Oikawa looks up and greets him with a bright smile. "Morning, Iwa-chan!"
While Iwaizumi mumbles a hello and moves to sit down, his mom bustles about, chattering as she grabs something from the microwave.
"Hajime, you're up! Here, sit, I'll heat your breakfast. Tooru came to visit – he's wanted to make sure you got home yesterday, what a kind friend," she places a plate of eggs and toast in front of her son, and looks at him meaningfully as she says, "I'll let you two talk," before whisking out of the room, leaving them alone.
Iwaizumi picks at his food, poking the yolks of his eggs to make them ooze out onto the plate, waiting for Oikawa to say something. When the only sound between them is that of the fork scraping against his plate, Iwaizumi decides he has to break the silence somehow.
"So, how much do you know?" He finally settles on asking, not looking up at Oikawa, but keeping his gaze focused on the slowly emptying plate in front of him. He can't remember if he sent Oikawa the promised text last night that he didn't die on his way home. He frowns, unhappy with himself, not for the first time recently.
"Enough to know that you do too much, push yourself too hard, and haven't really felt well lately," Oikawa responds without waiting a single beat, checking each item off an outstretched finger and keeping Iwaizumi from stewing in his thoughts too long.
"Well, lately's an understatement…" Iwaizumi mumbles, mopping up the last of his eggs with his toast and setting his fork down. He moves to pick up his glass and medication, only to realize he's forgotten to get them, and ends up staring blankly at the cupboard that they're kept in instead.
Oikawa follows his gaze and gets up, not even asking what he's getting until he's standing in front of the open cupboard. When he returns with the bottle, he sounds out the name, brow furrowed as he hands it over to Iwaizumi. "What's… na-pro…sen?"
"Naproxen," Iwaizumi supplies, expertly opening up the bottle and shaking one out into his palm. "It's an anti-inflammatory. Keeps the swelling down."
"Iwa-cha-… Hajime… are you ok?"
Iwaizumi sighs, giving up completely on the charade, and slips the pill past his lips, quickly swallowing down about half his glass of water to make sure it goes down. He's still getting used to taking swallowed medication that was bigger than a Tylenol, but he's much better at it now than he was when this all started. "No, Tooru. No, I am not ok."
With a deep breath, Iwaizumi finally starts giving all of the answers he's held back for so long.
"It's called cerebral palsy, and it's basically a misfire between the brain and the body. Like if your brain tells your hand 'pick up the glass' and you pick it up. But then your brain says 'ok, keep holding the glass,' and your hand is like 'no, fuck that noise,' and drops it. Normally it manifests early on, or right after a traumatic experience, and stays constant, but I guess I'm special. They said it might get worse around puberty, with all the hormones and stuff, but I was fine… until a few months ago. The pain got worse, the fatigue piled up, the shaking started. I'm on medications and I have braces for my knees and ankles, but… I'm not really supposed to be overexerting myself." Iwaizumi traces the wooden grain of the table with a fingertip, gaze following his finger as he keeps talking.
"…I'm not really supposed to be playing volleyball. I've been saving all my energy, using it for nothing but practice and school – mostly practice, to be honest – but it's getting harder. Impossible. I wanted to at least finish high school strong, but…" he trails off, chewing on the side of his tongue distractedly, not allowing himself to cry, not now, and refusing to think about how he won't be able to be the strong ace that brings their team to victory against everyone else anymore. Oikawa stays quiet, respectful, waiting.
Iwaizumi finally forces himself to continue, a little catch in his voice, "it's not looking like that's going to work. I was told to stop with practice about a month ago… that's why coach finally benched me," he finally looks up at Oikawa, who's still silently watching, his eyes soft and sad. "Well?! Say something!" He bellows, making Oikawa flinch.
Oikawa takes a deep breath, squares his shoulders, and swallows before speaking up simply.
"What can I do to help?"
"I-… what?" Iwaizumi isn't sure what he's expecting, but it isn't this. A defensive response to being yelled at, maybe, or more tears, probably, but not… this. This calm, supportive pillar in front of him. He's always thought of himself as the supportive pillar between the two of them.
"C'mon Iwa-chan, give me some credit!" Oikawa laughs, leaning forward with a smile and smacking Iwaizumi's shoulder. It's almost like normal, except for the fact that the smack is so much lighter than normal. Iwaizumi isn't sure what normal is, anymore. "We're gonna finish high school together, strong. And we're gonna beat in anybody's face that tells us differently."
Iwaizumi feels a wry smile start to creep onto his face, and he stands up to wash his dishes, feeling much better now that he's awake, his drugs have kicked in, and the hard part of the conversation is over. "Alright, rule number one," he says over his shoulder, "I'm not breakable or fragile, and if you treat me like that I will personally find the energy to kick your ass."
Oikawa laughs, sprawling out in the kitchen chair, watching as Iwaizumi dried off his plate. "Alright, I suppose I can handle that."
"Toss me the drugs?" Iwaizumi asks, turning around and gesturing to the pill bottle still on the table.
"Oho, Iwa-chan wants me to toss to him? Are you sure that won't be too strenuous?" Oikawa teases, picking up the bottle and lobbing it to Iwaizumi's waiting hand, hoping he hasn't already crossed a line. He hadn't meant to joke so quickly about it, but Iwaizumi had seemed to go back to normal for the moment, and before he knew it the jibe had escaped…
Iwaizumi snorted as he put the bottle back in the cupboard, rolling his eyes. Maybe he does still know what normal is, after all. "These may be horse pills, but they still aren't quite as big as a volleyball, I'm sure I can manage."
Oikawa's relief at not having overstepped his bounds already only shows for a moment before his face falls flat.
"What?!" Iwaizumi asks, meeting Oikawa's stare with a challenge, frowning at his friend.
"Don't be a baby Iwa-chan, those are FAR from horse pills, have you even seen those capsules I had to take for my knee? They were huge and they get stuck in your throat if you aren't careful and then you gag and it is. The. Worst."
Now it was Iwaizumi's turn to stare, blankly, at Oikawa. Oikawa, his best friend. Oikawa, who he's been keeping out for so long. Oikawa who probably knew exactly what it was like to play volleyball while on medication and having problems with his body.
Oikawa, who is probably his best supporter, including his parents and doctors, even the specialists.
Why has he been keeping him out for so long, again?
"Oh my god. I am SO SORRY OIKAWA," Iwaizumi finally spits out as his mouth catches up to his brain's realizations. "I'm such an asshole."
Oikawa's brow furrows, and he sits up straight again. "I mean, we all know you're an ass, Iwaizumi, but that's not news or anything," he says, tilting his head to the side in confusion.
"I didn't even realize," Iwaizumi breathes out, not even responding to Oikawa's jab.
"Iwa-chan, are you okay?"
Iwaizumi walks over towards Oikawa slowly, as if moving through a dense fog, and places his hands heavily on Oikawa's shoulders. "You know what it's like," he whispers.
Oikawa's confusion only slightly clears up, and he shifts uncomfortably beneath Iwaizumi's hands. "Uh… kind of? I mean," he continues, standing up, "my knee is very different from your…" He pauses, uncertain how to continue, and settles for vaguely waving in the direction of Iwaizumi's body. "…but sure?"
Iwaizumi shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair, mumbling to himself, "oh my god I am so stupid-"
"Iwa-chan, it's fine-" Oikawa starts, intending to interrupt his wallowing, but Iwaizumi interrupts him right back instead.
"Shut up, we're gonna go play Mario Kart. I need to kick your ass at something so I can feel better about myself," he says, pushing Oikawa towards the stairs and his room.
Oikawa is still confused, but this is definitely his old Iwa-chan and he's missed him, so he supposes he can let it go and roll with it. "Alright," he says, shrugging. "But the only ass that's gonna get kicked is yours, I've been practicing with Takeru and he's good."
"You wish," Iwaizumi laughs, knocking his head affectionately into the back of Oikawa's shoulder blades as they start up the stairs. "I bet that nine year old kicks your butt. I bet you still suck super bad."
"I do not!"
…
And that's how they get through the rest of high school, together. Iwaizumi is benched completely, but still cheers on the team from the sidelines, never explicitly telling the rest of the team why he's benched but just saying it's a medical issue, nothing to worry about. The others don't press, even though they want to, because they can tell something's shifted – Iwaizumi's more like his old self, and Oikawa isn't acting weird around him anymore, so they figure it's alright, whatever it is. Someone suggest that it's because his grades had gone down below the allowed level, and someone else teases that it's "too much hanging out with Oikawa, you know," and the tension is released, just like that. Even though he's not going to play, and he, Oikawa, and the coach all know this very well, there is never any talk of taking him off the team. He's always seated right next to the coach, cheering the loudest of all.
Iwaizumi starts wearing long pants to more easily cover his braces, easier now that he's not playing, and takes his medication with food, when he's supposed to be taking them, even. Breakfast and dinner, every day. He carries around some emergency Tylenol 3 in the bottom of his bag, but he doesn't ever really use it. It's more of a comfort than anything else. On the rare occasion that he does need it, it's something he uses at home, in the morning, when the pain is so bad he needs to be dead to the world.
On those days, he sends Oikawa a text in the morning to let him know he's about to check out of life for the next 14 hours, and then takes a pill and crawls back into bed. Oikawa comes over in the evenings with both of their homework assignments, along with a note from the teacher, and helps walk Iwaizumi through whatever lessons they'd gone through in class that day.
They used to think they were just super lucky, best friends who got almost all of their classes together, in middle school. Once they'd started high school, they were even luckier, having every single class together, even though it would make more sense for them to be in different English classes, at least. It is only now that Iwaizumi belatedly realizes that his parents had probably set that up, to make sure he had a built in system with a classmate, if not with the teachers. He can't thank his parents enough.
Oikawa starts coming over more often again, and replaces the tutor that used to come on the weekends, helping Iwaizumi with homework and any of the therapy exercises that require another person. It has been weird having to do those with his parents. It's much more comfortable when it's Oikawa having to help him move his legs around to stretch. Almost like warm up for practice. Iwaizumi still refuses to let Oikawa come with him to any PT appointments, but sometimes he'll complain about the exercises and tells him stories about whatever he and Hitoshi had gotten up to that day, while Oikawa catches him up on the team gossip he's missed. Oikawa treats their time together as if nothing has really changed, even though most of their "hangouts" are spent trying to get through schoolwork or keep Iwaizumi limber enough to walk and not lose his balance too much at school. Iwaizumi appreciates it more than he can say. He secretly hopes to finish high school without needing the cane, but doesn't let him slip into the destructive denial again.
Oikawa tricks Iwaizumi into "teaching" him the exercises they get, always saying things like "ahh, Iwa-chan's so smart, I didn't understand that at all before, what would I do without my Iwa-chan-sensei," even though he knows that will only get him a solid punch in the bicep and laughing shoves. Iwaizumi knows that after each fake "teaching" session, he understands the material better, and he can't help but let Oikawa get away with pretending it's all real. And even though he knows it's all just a joke, he can't help but warm up a bit inside when Oikawa says things like that, soaking up the praise with a gruff "shut up, idiot," or a headbutt, all tinted with a bit of a humble blush.
…
It's on one of their study nights, when Oikawa is going on and on about how they're going to go to the same university, and he's been looking up options, it's going to be great Iwa-chan, we're going to make our dreams come true, moving out and becoming our own people, that Iwaizumi has to say something. The plan had always been that Oikawa and Iwaizumi were going to move out together for university, and even with all the changes, Oikawa assumed that if Iwaizumi was focusing on his studies and Oikawa was going to play pro, they'd still be together.
Iwaizumi quietly and patiently sits, letting Oikawa go through his whole excited spiel until he tires himself out, before quietly whispering the hard truth.
"I'm not going to university, Oikawa," he says, his voice muffled even more by the fact that he'd been slumped over the table where they'd been working.
"What was that, Iwa-chan?" Oikawa asked, hauling himself back up into a sitting position from where he'd collapsed in excitement when talking about achieving their dreams. "I didn't quite hear you."
"I said," Iwaizumi began, lifting his head up a bit, "I'm not going to university, Oikawa."
Oikawa's face falls immediately at the declaration, but he pulls a weak, fragile smile back out. One Iwaizumi hasn't seen for weeks. He thinks he feels his heart break, just a little, at its reappearance. "Wh-what do you mean, Iwa-chan? Of course you're going to university. University is what you've wanted and dreamed of since we were eight," he continues, his weak smile wavering as Iwaizumi doesn't shift. "No, no, I want you to get the most out of this world, I want you to want to achieve your dreams, COME ON HAJIME!" His voice wavers and gets louder the more he speaks, and he ends in a telling shout accompanied by tears. "You can't just give up!"
…
It takes a lot of discussion, persuasion, and whining from both Oikawa and his parents, but they manage to convince Iwaizumi not to give up university completely. He decides to stay at home, going to the local community college instead, and get used to using his chair, learning how to be independent with his new limitations. He works hard to do the basic things, like doing his own laundry or going grocery shopping, but it's challenging. The people around his community know now, his teammates, his friends know, they see him in the chair and their faces may be a bit tight when they first see him but they hide it in their conversations well, acting as if nothing has changed except for Iwaizumi's haircut.
It is hard the first time he runs into one of them, though. He decides to time his errand trips for when his kouhai are in school, now, and is thankful that those who graduated with him have moved on and left for school and jobs. It never really gets easier, per se, but he's adjusting. He's making it work.
He uses his cane when he's at home, and they've moved his bedroom to one of the downstairs rooms. He brings his chair whenever he goes out, and is finally accepting and learning what it's like to live with a disability, and not letting that disability define him, for good or for bad. He fights through the dizzy spells to take a shower every other day, and he eats enough to take his medications on time, even when they make him feel nauseous. He figures out a rhythm, a way to balance some basic classes and daily living. And, of course, daily phone calls with Oikawa.
Oikawa moves out of his house into a dinky little apartment near his campus, not twenty minutes away from home, and visits Iwaizumi every weekend. Oikawa regales him with stories about how things are going, and cajoles Iwaizumi into telling him about community college, PT, the chair, and his life, even when Iwaizumi insists that it's nothing, his life is boring compared to Tooru's. He helps Iwaizumi feel a bit more human with every visit. A bit more real. A bit more okay.
…
When Iwaizumi decides he's ready for the transition, both to Big Boy University and Moving Out With A Disability, they follow the plan and he moves in with Oikawa into that dinky little apartment (that Oikawa picked so very carefully because there aren't any lips at the doorway entrance, that he's been slowly renovating to have stronger bars in the bathroom for the towels, lower shelves to hang shirts on, and the like). Iwaizumi transfers with his associate's degree into the same university, and he feels ready to handle independent life. Here, he'll have the support system he needs on those really hard days (he knows by now he can far and beyond trust Tooru with his bad days), but he can also be independent, because Oikawa was far from being an excessive mother hen.
And the fact that he gets to mess around and spend time with his best friend, sometimes even wrestling him to the ground and dragging him out of bed by the sheets on his good days, because "oh my GOD Tooru, it is ELEVEN O'CLOCK ALREADY G E T U P," well… let's just say that is an added bonus.
Iwaizumi moves in a few weeks before the quarter actually starts, so he has plenty of time to adjust to the apartment, and living with Tooru, and all their dumb little idiosyncrasies.
It's when he's taking his pills one morning that he realizes Tooru is still just as terrible at jokes as always, when he's asked "So, how do you swallow your pills? Do you take them all at once? Swish them around first? Let it sit on your tongue? Are yours bitter because I remember when I was taking this one dissolving one it was soooo bitter-!" Tooru scrunches his face up tight, as if he's just tasted a lemon.
Iwaizumi snorts, shaking his head at his best friend. "Tooru, they aren't mouthwash- swish them around- what the fuck are you high on right now?"
"I don't know! Yours are different from mine," Oikawa fusses, missing the opportunity to say he's high on whatever medication he's shaking out from his own prescription pill bottle, and getting a small handful of powdery dust with it. "If I don't put it on my tongue juuuuuust so it gets stuck in the back of my throat and no matter how much water I swallow down the damage is done, Hajime. The damage. Is. Done." He makes a scrunched up face and shudders at the memory.
Iwaizumi just laughs, slamming back his pill with a tall glass of water, and grins. "Well, I don't do any of those things but I do-" He cut himself off, holding up a finger, and let out three large burps, "get kind of belchy after I take them."
Oikawa howls with laughter, shouting about how that's not normal at all, Iwa-chan, you're ridiculous, I am calling you out, burping contest RIGHT NOW, and for Iwaizumi, it's just the start of yet another day of living with Oikawa.
…
A few hours later, Iwaizumi's introducing himself in his first university class. "Hey, I'm Iwaizumi Hajime," he begins with a lazy wave, "science major, junior, and I bring my own chair because these school desks fuckin' suck."