Chapter Text
After his talk with his father, TK spends the next day thinking about what he truly wants in life. Even before Alex, whenever TK thought about his future, it was different each time. Growing up, his future was being a firefighter and working alongside his father. Then, when he was in the thick of his addiction, he thought his future was drug dens and dirty needles, mattresses on the floor, and liquor bottles scattered around. Then there was the future he thought he would have with Alex - happily married to the man he thought was his soulmate
It wasn’t until he met and fell in love with Carlos that TK felt like he started to picture his real future. He saw a future where he and Carlos were married, happily, and a few times he pictured them with kids that made their lives full. He’d never taken the chance to actually talk to Carlos about kids and what his views on them were. TK had watched him with his nieces and nephews, with their friends' kids, and saw how good he was with them and just assumed that Carlos would want kids.
He knows he missed the tight smiles when someone mention that Carlos would be a good dad. He’s missed the subtle body language that showed Carlos was uncomfortable with the topic. Too consumed with his own thoughts and assumption to dive into the topic and make sure they were on the same page regarding children. It was wrong to make the assumption without conversation, TK knows that he let his thoughts be clouded by visions of what he thinks by his visions of what he thinks their perfect future would be.
TK makes his way to the store as he thinks, deciding that he’s going to make dinner for Carlos. While he’s driving, he thinks about the future again and what will make him happy. He knows that he needs to consider Carlos’ feelings too, but TK also knows that he’s well within his right to think about and consider what he needs in their relationship to be happy.
TK wants kids, that’s no secret. He always enjoys it when they get to babysit Charlie or he gets to see his younger brother through video chat. TK loves spending time with kids and enjoys chasing after them and playing games with them. When he goes to Tia Lucy's with Carlos , TK always has the best time hanging out with Carlos’ nieces and nephews, entertaining them while everyone visits. He thrives around children and they always make his heart so happy. It’s only natural that he’s thought about what it would be like to have kids with Carlos - and he knows that Carlos would be the best father. He’s always been so gentle and kind, putting other people before himself and the times that TK has seen Carlos with kids it’s been an overwhelming feeling of want and love.
Even though he knows and thinks that Carlos would be good with children, it doesn’t change the fact that it seems like Carlos doesn’t want children. It’s an upsetting thought, but not too upsetting that it makes TK want to spiral and run away - like he would have in the past. Neither of them had let the bombshell affect their lives much over the last couple of days. They hung out with their friends, chaperoned Marjan’s date, and had fun together, so even though it is a big topic that they need to talk about, it wasn’t one that was putting a dark cloud over their lives.
By the time he finishes shopping - getting all of the ingredients for Beef Wellington and a nice side salad - TK has made a decision.
He doesn’t need kids to be happy, but he does need Carlos to be happy. If he has to pick, he’s going to pick Carlos each time because Carlos is his person. TK knows that no matter what he can and will be happy if his and Carlos’ family just exist with the two of them.
--
Late that night TK reaches across the bed for Carlos but finds his spot empty. He slowly opens his eyes, waking up when he realizes that Carlos is not next to him like he usually is. TK sits up, rubbing his eyes to try to figure out where Carlos is. He looks around, his eyes taking a moment to adjust to the darkness of the room. TK glances over at the bathroom and frowns when he sees it's dark . He reaches over and touches the sheets and notices that they’re slightly cold, meaning Carlos hasn’t been in bed for a while.
His stomach twists as his anxiety starts to heighten. He wonders if Carlos slipped out in the middle of the night, regretting the conversation they had before dinner. It’s a ridiculous thought, TK knows, but anxiety is never rational. He’s trying to focus on getting his heart to calm, to push the anxiety down so he can think logically and not freak out when he hears a sound from the other room. His head jerks up, staring at their closed bedroom door, and listens for a moment - and hears the sound again.
It sounds a lot like crying.
Stomach still twisting in knots, TK pushes the comforter off of his body and climbs out of bed, feet not making a sound as he slides open the bedroom door and looks into the living room. He watches as Carlos lets out a whimper and drops onto the couch, body shaking with sobs that he’s trying to keep quiet. TK’s heart breaks at the sight of him.
“Carlos?” He says, voice soft and rough from sleep. Carlos makes no indication that he hears TK, so he makes his way into the living room and sits down beside Carlos. He wraps his arms around him and pulls him into his chest. “I’m here.”
He holds Carlos for a long time, rubbing his back and rocking them gently as Carlos cries. It’s so rare for TK to see Carlos like this, walls broken down and vulnerability written all over his face and in every sound he makes. Carlos is always so good at keeping what he feels close to his chest, barely letting TK get a glimpse of the turmoil of trauma and emotions simmering just below the surface. TK wants to know every detail, to help Carlos talk through the trauma and feelings he hides inside but he knows he’s not fully equipped to help Carlos handle all of it.
When Carlos calms down, sobs dying down into little whimpers and then nothing at all, TK pulls back just enough to look at his fiancee. His heart breaks at the pain and sadness he sees in Carlos’ eyes and all he wants to do is take it all away because he never wants Carlos to feel this way.
“Want to tell me what’s going on?” TK asks, running his fingers through Carlos’ unruly curls that he loves so much.
Carlos rubs his eyes, pulling out of TK’s arms to fall against the back of the couch, looking up at the ceiling to avoid TK's gaze . He doesn’t say anything for a long few minutes and TK doesn’t push. If all Carlos wants to do is sit here and not talk then TK will respect that, but he’s hoping Carlos will want to talk about why he’s up in the middle of the night having a breakdown.
“I don’t want you to grow to hate me,” Carlos says finally, voice rough and cracking over the words.
TK frowns, “I could never hate you, Carlos.”
Carlos scoffs. “I would hate me if I was you. I’ve lied and kept so much from you that I don’t understand why you’re still here, sitting there like it doesn’t matter.”
“ I don't like the way you lied and his things from me from me, but I don’t hate you for it,” TK says softly. “I just wish you’d be more open with me, I think I deserve that after being with you for three years.”
“You do deserve it; you deserve so much more than what I’ve given you,” Carlos says. “You deserve to have the future you want, one with kids and the family you’ve always imagined.”
Carlos’ voice breaks once again, on the word ‘kids,’ and TK knows that’s what this is all about, why Carlos is so upset. Despite their earlier conversation that Carlos is still dwelling on it, TK knew he would when he took so long to just accept what TK was saying to him.
“The only future I want is one where I get to have you by my side.”
Carlos looks at him, eyes still shiny and wet, “But you want kids. I know you do. I don’t want you to wake up one day down the road and regret not getting the chance to have them if I’m ever ready for them I don’t want you to regret your life with me. I don’t-”
Carlos cuts himself off as a tear rolls from his eye and down his cheek. TK reaches over and grabs Carlos’ hand.
“I’ve thought about this, Carlos,” TK says in a soft but firm voice. “When I told you earlier that I was okay with it, I meant it. I know you’re worried and it’s okay that you are but, baby, there’s no future for me if you’re not in it. If I have to pick between you and anything else, I’m always going to pick you.”
“Why?”
TK has to hold back the rush of emotions that he feels when Carlos asks why. His heart breaks at the uncertainty of the question, at the fact that Carlos is even questioning why because he’s so worried and scared that one day TK will hate him. He doesn’t know how to explain to Carlos just how much love he holds in his body for him, how he wants absolutely nothing if he can’t have Carlos. How Carlos has been his person since the moment they locked eyes for the very first time, even if he didn’t know it at that moment.
“Carlos, I love you. I love you so much that it physically hurts sometimes because I don’t know how to contain all of the feelings that I have for you. They always want to bubble over, to escape and there’s nowhere for them to go. It’s so much that marrying you doesn’t feel like enough anymore but I don’t know what would be enough. I don’t know how to show you the depth of my love,” TK says, squeezing his hand. “I could tell you every second of every day that I love you and it still won’t be enough. I want a family with you, but if our family ends up being just the two of us and a dozen lizards then that’s okay. I’ll be happy. As long as I have you, I’ll be happy.”
“I don’t deserve you,” Carlos says, letting out a wet laugh and shaking his head. “I love you, too, and it kills me that I can’t give this to you right now, that I might never give this to you.”
“It’s okay if you can’t. I won’t ever hold it against you.”
“When I was talking to mom and she asked… when she wanted to know why I was worried, I told her it was because I was worried about being a father when I never really had a good relationship with my own until two years ago,” Carlos says and his voice is soft, years of pain laced in his words. “What if I father like him and make any child we might have feel the way he made me feel?”
“You won’t because that’s not who you are. You’re not a mirror image of your father. You’re Carlos, the sweetest, most gentle, and kindest man I know. You’re so sweet to the children in your life, and I have no doubt that you’d be just as sweet to any children we might have.” TK pauses and hesitates before continuing. “Have you considered maybe talking to someone about this?”
“I’m talking to you.”
“I mean a professional. Carlos, baby, you’ve got so much locked up inside you that I don’t even think you have the key to it anymore.”
Carlos doesn’t respond and TK watches him. He wishes he could pry open his mind and see the thoughts as they race around his brain and figure out what Carlos is thinking. The silence stretches on, and for a moment, TK thinks that he’s overstepped with his suggestion.
Then Carlos nods, “Okay. Can you help me find one?”
“Yes, I can.”
Carlos looks at him. “I’m sorry I’m a mess but I promise to do better and stop keeping big secrets from you.”
“That’s all I ask. I want to know you Carlos, every bit of you.” TK lifts their hands up and kisses the back of Carlos’ hand. “I can’t promise to always be happy with the things you tell me, but I promise to listen to you when you have something to say.”
“Thank you, I love you.”
“I love you too.”