Chapter Text
Nyctophobia - Fear of the Dark
He's always hated the dark, annoyingly enough its such a kid-like fear that it always bothered him that he was afraid if it. Sure sometimes he acted a little childish but at his core he was the older big brother.
Maybe that's why he felt so ashamed of this fear.
The darkness was so suffocating but there was never anything there. Just me, my emotions and conscience which is probably why the dark is so nauseating to me, because that's when all your senses are heightened and your thought process becomes irregular. That's fear.
I don't remember when i started having hallucinations but I remember when I realised whenever I had them when it was dark. Whether it was dark outside or it was dark in my room my au never lit up enough for them to be chased away.
But I probably didn't do much about the hallucinations either because they were a fantasy I didn't want to wake up from. When Paps was there next to me I felt comfort in the dark. But once I realised Paps wasn't really there nor was he the papyrus I knew, I started fearing what the dark could make me see.
Suddenly my whole world was flipped upside down. I started becoming paranoid, I only slept when it was light enough, I refused to stay in dark for long seeking any source of light I could find. If I couldn't find it I would sit tight against a corner, hood over my eyes and hands over my skull.
I rocked wanting nothing more than a blanket to shield me from this night, from the thoughts I conjured up and faked living with. I simply wanted nothing to change but because of what I did, I forced my mind to change and adapt.
At least that's what Nightmare told me, He told me what I was doing and how I was harming myself. In the beginning I brushed it off and denied everything to look strong (Even though my true feelings were always clear to him) but he had little habits I chose to ignore.
Like checking I had a light in my room, asking me questions so I was aware of where I was and making sure my vision was clear if it wasn't He'd try to ground me in any way he could.
I was stubborn back then with a need to prove myself so I refused to acknowledge any of it, Snapping when my teammates tried to help. But deep down I was always glad they never stopped, glad they picked up those habits from Nightmare because otherwise I would be stuck in my thoughts for longer and healing would be harder.
Now Im more comfortable sharing my childish tendencies and my faults because my family will pick me up when they fall. I realised this over time when they kept pushing me out of my comfort zone, helping me up, giving pointers and understanding what I needed.
It especially clicked when Cross called me his brother. The relief from my realisation was so intense I remember I happily clinging to him, under a tree watching him draw for the rest of the day.
So now as I once again sit with: my chin against my knees, hood over my eyes and hands over my skull at 3am trapped in my own mind I wait, because I know no matter how long it takes someone will come.
When I saw Nightmare enter my room tentacles immediately wrapping comfortably around my waist like a soft hug and the light turning on, I could feel myself relax and preen under its calm glow. I could look to around the room and only nightmare was there.
For the rest of the night I couldn't sleep but that was okay because Nightmare was there to help, to make me tea, to keep me company and to eventually tuck me back into bed when morning came and my anxiety left me.
And if everyone else chose to let me sleep in, save food for me, make me a get well soon card and offer to just hang out with me. I would acknowledge it and store it in my memories forever.