Chapter Text
Bruce loves his sons.
Dick was always his light. His oldest son always kept him on the path with his laughter. If Bruce were to name the proudest moments of his life, it would be that he was given a chance to watch once a vengeful and angry child into a strong confident man surrounded by people he loves. However, as much as this sounds strange, Bruce wishes Dick can see how proud he is of his eldest. Dick doesn’t have to prove himself to be loved by him but Dick has always been one of the most stubborn people he knows.
Tim. The ever brave and ever smart. Bruce worries about Tim’s obsession over the role because what if Tim only sees them as some sort of co-workers? As Bruce does not want to take spots away from the Drakes, if Tim will allow him, he will call the boy his son until his last breath. Bruce wishes Tim could just take a break from life. Only if Bruce was strong enough. Only if Bruce was smart enough. Only if- Only ifs don’t matter. Tim still takes his anti-depressants every day and Bruce still watches Dick blame himself for not getting the necessary help in time for Tim, even though Tim has stopped being angry at Dick after a few days of thinking.
Damian. His moon and stars. If Dick is his sun and light and if Tim is his fire, Damian is his night sky. Damian reminds him of his old self. Lost, angry, but kind. He’s a kind boy that struggles to understand people sometimes. He really is a kind boy. Too smart for his own good (just like his brothers). Bruce only wishes Damian could stop bringing animals into the house but even that’s a lie. Bruce hated it when the mansion was quiet. It’s so much more lively with Damian and Bruce doesn’t think he could imagine the house without his boy. He just wishes he was a better father. A better influence. A better person. Bruce tries not to think about how Damian’s growing so fast day by day.
God. And Jason.
Jason. Jason, his sweet dear lad. His baby whose always been one to wear his heart on his sleeves. He remembers the nights when Jason was sick and they both took a day off from patrolling to watch movies together.
Then he fucked it all up. Explosion in Ethiopia. A fresh new grave plot next to Thomas and Martha Wayne, significantly smaller in size. Jason’s coffin was one of the smallest he’s ever seen. He thought his baby was never to be seen again, until the week Batman caught the Red Hood’s identity.
A tango with Joker, Jason, and a bomb. It was too similar. Too real.
That night was the first time Bruce’s hand was visibly shaking.
He aimed for the gun, he swears. He tried so hard to aim for that godforsaken gun. He could not give one less shit about fucking no-kill rules if it meant that Jason was back and fuck!
But Jason will never come back. Jason he knows is dead and the Jason that stood in front of him will never forgive him. What kind of father slashes his own son’s throat? Especially the son he mourned for, for the past few years. He watched his baby bleed out twice, both because of him.
Bruce knows that he will never live up to the boy’s expectations of him.
He doesn’t deserve to. Bruce Wayne wishes he could stop letting his kids down.
But he still does.
(Bruce usually dreams of the day of Jason’s death in Ethiopia.
However, after that night of confrontation, sometimes, instead of a bomb, it’s a slash by his Batarang and he has to watch his son bleed out in front of that goddamn clown.
Every time, Jason asks if he would kill the Joker for him.
On those days, Bruce needs to just take a day off because- Because it’s all he’s going to think about for the rest of the day.
Fuck, he never cared about that fucking clown. He never did.
Not until he took Jason away from him.)
———
Bruce Wayne has many personas.
Brucie Wayne, the billionaire playboy with a thick skull, is fun to play. It’s fun to act like you know nothing and get people to underestimate you. It was the hardest to conjure up for young Bruce who struggled to make friends in grade school. Oliver Queen still gives him a double-take after all these years and even Bruce himself has caught himself double taking in the mirrors of the grand hotels of Gotham in this mask.
Dr. Bruce Wayne, the CEO of the Wayne Foundation, who
And, the Batman. He’s not sure how to feel about it anymore. Was it worth it to bring his children into his crusade against crime? Was it worth it to lose people he loves over and over again? Did crime really go down by bringing them into the light? Bruce knows that batman, as much as he wants to deny it, was always about revenge and rage towards Gotham and the murder of his parents. However, rage, like a forest fire, tends to die down when there is nothing else to burn. He wishes that being Batman has always been about saving the unfortunate.
It is unfortunate how he can’t even save himself. He feels like he’s stuck in a nightmarish version of a sand pit every day. Is he even making a difference?
Bruce Wayne used to consider Batman as his true persona. However, with time passing, he realized that he could never be more wrong.
His true self has always been B. A single father that’s emotionally unavailable and never knows the right thing to say. Awkward with words and trying his best to make time for kids. Always makes mistakes but truly, truly loves his family. He would do anything for them.
Bruce loves his sons.
He just can’t tell how to convey his feelings.
———
The part that breaks Bruce’s heart the most is that he can recognize some parts of Jason.
The inability to say sorry or apologize through words. The way the boy still smirks when he thinks no one in the room is right (of course, except himself). The way Jason grips his cable when his shoulder hurts and the way he still wears his domino crooked. The cowlick is still there in his bangs and even the way he stands is exactly the same.
The worst part about recognizing someone you love changing into someone you don’t know is that you still recognize the pieces of the person. The night he encounters Jason as the Red Hood without the red helmet, Jason flicks his hair.
It’s a habit he got from Bruce.
And the way Jason knows when someone is close to finding out his warehouse and goes through exact same steps Bruce taught him to avoid being caught. The way Jason wears the same brand of combat boots. The way Jason still does a mini jump right before his left hook. The way Jason calls sex workers “ladies” and makes sure he knows the name of every single working lady in the area, making sure everyone is going home safe and sound. The way Jason scratches his ears when he's confused and the way he puts his left pointer finger on his chin when thinking and- And the list just goes on.
So many of them are just Jason but so many of them are also from mirroring Bruce. If Jason never met Bruce, if Bruce never tried to take Jason away from Park Row, if Bruce-
Jason always has been a smart and kind boy, unlike Bruce. He couldn’t reach Jason in time. He couldn’t find Jason in time. He couldn’t kill Joker because of his god damn stupid rules he has to follow so he doesn’t become another serial killer on the loose because one trip on a slippery slope is always dangerous.
He’s so angry now. Bruce isn't sure what to do.
(But Jason is worth saving. Unlike him. Unlike Bruce Wayne.)
Something changed when Jason died. When his parents died, he could portray his anger and grief to the world as the word ‘orphan’ but when he lost Jason, no words conveyed the feeling of losing a child. He lost a part of himself forever after burying Jason. He’s not sure if that part came back after learning Jason’s alive.
To be honest, after the encounter with the Red Hood, Bruce just wants to make sure that he didn’t hallucinate the whole night because then, Jason is at peace. But now, Jason is real. Jason is real and it's hard to Bruce to know if he's imagining his boy in front of his eyes just in case he is real.
(Like the day of the funeral when he swears he saw Jason despite the body in the casket. And the day after, in the kitchen. And the day after, in the rose garden. And the day after, in the dark corner of his library.
Bruce doesn’t know the one he did see Jason two days ago was actually real.)