Chapter Text
I'll give you everything I have
I'll teach you everything I know
I promise I'll do better
I will always hold you close
But I will learn to let you go
I promise I'll do better
I will soften every edge
I'll hold the world to it's best
And I'll do better
With every heartbeat I have left
I will defend your every breath
And I'll do better
“Light” – Sleeping at Last
The nanny had been dismissed for the evening and Kaz and Inej were curled up on the parlor sofa watching Lei stack colorful wooden blocks into towers until they inevitably became too wobbly to stand. Every time the towers tumbled down to the rug, Lei would flap her hands in adorable frustration and begin stacking them again. Kaz admired her determination. Her hair had grown long enough to begin flopping down over her eyes, so Inej had tied it back with a red ribbon. The sight hit Kaz with a wave of uncomfortable memories of another young girl he had once known who had also worn a red ribbon in her hair. It seemed like another lifetime ago, now. He liked this version much better.
As he and Inej talked, Lei would sometimes stop and stare at them, occasionally mimicking their movements and trying to copy their words with her own gurgles and attempts at speech.
“I think she's trying to make words,” Inej observed, watching as Lei pursed her lips and made babbling noises until she drooled down the front of her dress.
If the world made any sense, a child raised by Kaz Brekker would proudly proclaim 'kruge' as her first word. No such luck so far with Lei though, the word was far too difficult.
Inej cooed back at Lei as she gurgled noises, trying to make something coherent.
“Can you say Mama? Or Papa?”
“Not Papa,” Kaz corrected.
“Father?” Inej asked with a grimace.
“Not that either.”
“What then?”
“Da,” he suggested simply.
It was what he and Jordie had used. Not the formal and cold-sounding 'Father' that the well-to-do of Ketterdam used. 'Da' was a country word used by farmers and simple shopkeepers in tiny rural towns. As much as Kaz considered himself a city businessman, he had to draw the line somewhere between himself and the upper class that he had imitated for most of his young adulthood. This was one part of his past that he would not cast off.
“Come on, Lei, say 'Da,'” Kaz encouraged.
Lei opened and closed her mouth experimentally, attempting to copy Kaz. “Aaa?”
“Close. 'Da,'” Kaz enunciated.
“Aa!”
“Nearly, darling. Halfway there,” he sighed. He dragged himself to his feet and headed to the crystal decanter to pour himself a glass of brandy. “We can always try again tomorrow evening.”
“Evening?” Inej asked with a raised brow. Their cozy night in front of the fire was something of a rarity. “Won't you be at the Crow Club?”
“Remember how you said you were giving Berit more responsibilities?” Kaz asked, coming to sit back down beside her. “I was thinking of doing the same. With Pim. And Anika.”
Inej looked genuinely startled. “You are?”
He shrugged, trying not to make as big of a fuss about his plan as he was sure Inej was about to. “Why not? You did.”
Inej had officially handed over the wheel of the Wraith to her first mate over a week ago. Kaz had heard talk in the Barrel about a merchant ship that was carrying more cargo (of the human variety) than they were reporting to the harbor masters. He'd passed the tip on to Inej, who had done some digging, and shortly procured the ship's itinerary. She'd sent off the Wraith in pursuit with Berit at the helm. It had been a strange feeling when Inej stood firmly planted on the dock watching her ship sail away into the horizon without her. But Kaz had stood at her side out of support and Inej felt confident that she had made the right decision.
Kaz thought it was about time for him to do the same.
“You're handing over the Dregs?”
“I didn't say that. I'm just stepping back. Giving over some responsibility. It's still going to be my gang, but I don't need to be out until sunup brawling with every podge who's stupid enough to take a swing at me.”
“So... what are you going to do instead?”
“Same as you. Be here, I guess,” Kaz said, looking away. His gaze came to rest upon Lei.
“For her?” Inej asked, following his glance. She had to fight to keep a giddy grin from overtaking her lips.
“For her. And for you.” And for myself, he added silently. “If you don't mind having me around more often.”
“I'd love to have you around,” she grinned. “You can babysit when I'm out gathering leads to pass on to Berit.”
“Certainly.”
Inej hadn't been expecting him to agree. She shook her head. “Kaz Brekker, you are going soft in your old age.”
“Who knows, maybe I'll take up a hobby.”
Inej was overcome with giggles at the thought of Kaz doing anything as a leisure activity. “Like fishing? Or gardening? Or building ships in bottles?”
“Absolutely not,” he scoffed. “There are too many ship bottles in the storage room at the Slat as it is.”
“Maybe Mr. Elpers will invite you to his country home for the pheasant season this autumn.”
“I've been told I'm a pretty good shot,” Kaz smirked. “He'd be lucky to have me in his hunting party.”
“As long as you're only shooting at birds, not at people.”
“No guarantees,” he retorted and a familiar scheming face began to blossom across his features. "But now that you mention it, joining a hunting party of Ketterdam's elite would be an excellent excuse to-"
“Da!” Lei interjected from across the room.
Kaz nearly dropped his glass on the floor.
“Did you hear that?” He questioned, looking at Inej with elation. All thoughts of the Dregs and highly shoot-able merchers were suddenly forgotten. Lei was watching them both from her spot on the rug, disgruntled that they had lost their focus on her for more than a minute. She wanted their attention, so she was demanding it herself.
“Say it again,” Kaz commanded.
“Da!” She chirped and stretched her hands up at him expectantly.
Kaz leapt from the couch, this time sending his brandy glass flying and the contents sloshing over the edge onto the rug. He swung Lei up off the ground and planted a kiss on her cheek, surprising even himself at his excessive display of affection. Lei giggled and curled her little arms around his neck.
He never thought he would love the sound of anything as much as he loved the music of Inej's laughter. But that was before he heard the genuine happiness of his giggling little girl. His heart was full to bursting. He'd known the feeling of love before – from his own Da, from Inej... but this was something entirely different. This was joyous. It was trust without words, it was a tiny fragile life in his hands, it was wanting to change himself in order to give someone else a better life. He felt proud in a way he had never felt before. Like something good was being created and somehow he'd had a hand in it.
Lei held on tightly, laughing and enjoying the attention as Kaz spun her around. She spotted Inej over his shoulder, hand pressed to her mouth and misty-eyed, and reached a chubby hand out to her. “Da!”
“No, meja,” Inej laughed, tears finally brimming over. “That's your Da. You're already with him.”
Kaz looked over to her, radiating happiness as he held his daughter close to his chest. His two most precious girls. How a sob like him had gotten so lucky he would never know. He didn't believe in gods or saints, but if he did, he would have been on his knees thanking them for this fortune, the kind better than kruge and ten times more valuable.
“Are you still worried about not being able to love her?”
Kaz shook his head slowly, staring into Lei's bright, golden eyes. “Not at all.”
Inej was at his shoulder now, her arms coming to encircle both him and Lei. “Did you ever imagine that our lives would turn out this way?”
“Never,” Kaz said with complete sincerity. “I didn't think I'd live past 25.”
“Don't ruin the moment,” Inej chided, poking a finger into his spine. “Are you happy?”
Happy. It wasn't a term he used to refer to his emotional state of mind. He was often pleased, like when a flock of rich pigeons lost all their money to the house after a night at the Crow Club. Pulling off a seemingly impossible job always made him feel proud, and sometimes a bit conceited at outsmarting someone. Even little things like balancing the books and seeing all the numbers line up was extremely satisfying. But happy was a simple word. A simple feeling. And it sure had taken a hell of a long time to finally reach it.
“I am,” he said after taking some time to deliberate. “Frighteningly so. Are you?”
“Very,” she responded simply, eyes still shining.
Kaz looked from her to Lei and back again. “This is a disgustingly heartwarming and cliché moment.”
Inej laughed. “Maybe. But it's ok to just... let yourself feel happy, you know? I think we deserve it after all this time.”
“You're right.”
“So, we're both going to be happy together?” She looked down at Lei, still cradled contently in Kaz's arms. “I mean, all three of us?”
“Yes. We're going to be happy.”
And for the first time in his life, Kaz believed it.