Archive of Our Own

Notes:

I am so sorry.

 

To all the lovely readers and commenters out there whom I haven't yet replied to ..
my life has been hell the past few years .. and it's not really better yet.

 

That's not an excuse, because you and the courage and time you spent to comment mean so much to me, especially in the darker times, and I'm also not trying to gain any pity here, I just want to explain.

.

First things first - Corona. We have all been hit hard by that, in many different forms, maybe only indirectly .. but I do think I had it harder than many others, not even because I've been sick, but because I was always constantly afraid I would become sick or even just pass it on to my mother whom I was primary caregiver for.

 

That's the second thing - at the end of 2019, actually just before CoViD, my Ma got the diagnosis of treatable but incurable, metastasized lung cancer, on top of her 20 years of Multiple Sclerosis. And she fought, god did she fight for me - because I'm an only child that had just celebrated their 20th birthday and she's been a single mother for all my life - but at the end of 2021 we were told by that point in time treatment had more side effects than use and it was only palliative care from then on out. She passed away mid 2022 after two particularly cruel weeks for everyone involved .. and now I've basically only got my maternal grandfather left .. and my Ma will never see me get a drivers license, and how (if) I finish my studies and first degree, and never meet my first partner or anything like that and it hurts. Especially because only 3 months before that we had to let our dog pass over the rainbow bridge - and I don't know about you, but for us, every single pet has always been a part of the family, just as much as the human members .. and it hurts.

 

As if that wasn't enough to get me to swallow anti-depressants and visit a psychotherapist, I myself have been diagnosed at the end of 2020/beginning of 2021, after already 3-5 years of suffering from it, with a chronic neurological sleep disorder - if you want to keep it simple. In more complicated terms, I have a circadian rhythm disorder called Non24Hours SleepWakeDisorder which has been fucking up my life ever since, especially in terms of studying/working since I'm unable to freerun as would be best for my overall health .. and all of that despite me being sighted, where even half the professionals still think it's something only blind people can get. No real treatment, no real accommodations, no real alternatives for me other than trying to finish that first law degree I've already started, to have at least something in hand, other than my Abitur/A-levels/high school diploma.

.

So, yes, life has been hell the past few years and it's not really better yet and I'm a mess.

 

Yes, I am deeply grateful for every shared laughter and every comforting hug after my stories and every supportive comment ..
but, no, I might not have the energy to properly answer them for some time yet.