Chapter Text
pt. 3: i wanna come home to you [2/2]
She's miserable.
She's good at fighting, but that doesn't mean she feels so great about it. In fact, she's been feeling like complete and utter shit since Jesse confronted her.
It started when Jesse told her he was accepted into film school.
In Los Angeles.
Next year.
She had mixed feelings about this. A part of her was happy for him for pursuing his dream. Another part was just a tiny bit bitter, but mostly, she was upset at him for leaving.
It's selfish. She doesn't want him to go because– let's face it– it was her dream. She was the one who was supposed to be living the dream in LA as a music producer, not him.
She stayed at Barden because of him and the girls. She stayed for them, not really herself. She didn't mean to fall in love with stupid a cappella and her stupid, a cappella, puppy-eyed boyfriend. She's supposed to be making music, damn it, and not with her mouth.
Yet, here she is, lamenting over all of this. She's jealous that he's leaving and she's pissed that she fell for him in the first place. Nobody can expect her to be ecstatic over someone that she loves leaving her for God-knows how long. He's not allowed to leave her with just the girls and Benji. She can't imagine the rest of college without him supporting her and loving her by her side.
Ugh, she wouldn't even be in this mess if she hadn't kissed him in Lincoln Center two years ago.
It sucks being bitter and angry and happy at the same time. So instead of addressing these feelings like a rational human being, she built her walls back up and avoided him, a very old school Beca thing of her to do.
Unlike her, however, Jesse's a rational (and observant) human being and demanded to know why she was avoiding him. It wasn't threatening at all, but Beca decided to make it that way, and, well, she blew up. Then he blew up. They both blew up about a lot of things, a lot of irrelevant, petty things. Next thing she knows, they're screaming at each other over stupid little things that she can't even remember and suddenly she's locked in her room for the next two weeks.
She goes outside to run the station, go to classes and practice, and to eat and use the bathroom. But other than that, she's gone as far as kicking Amy out of her own room (Dick move, she knows) in order to sulk alone. She manifests her feelings in her music, per usual, mostly through the WBUJ station radio. You know, so that everyone can feel her inner turmoil.
She misses him, but she's also mad at him, so she doesn't know what to do. She's too stubborn to apologize, likewise with him. They're great at fighting, in retrospect. They don't usually last this long, though, and frankly, Beca doesn't know how to handle it.
She tries with her music, but even that turns into sad Adele and Sam Smith. The best she could come up with is wearing his hoodie to at least pretend he was still around. But it's not enough. She misses having him by her side instead of locking herself in the radio station booth with him stacking CDs on the outside. It's stupid. Like, she can't even get halfway through The Breakfast Club without crying. It's that stupid.
It's lonely, the whole pushing everyone away kinda thing.
It's been a little over two and a half weeks since they fought. The girls have been stepping on eggshells around her, unsure of how to handle her emotions. Chloe and Amy try, but she shuts them out. She tells Benji some of it, because he's genuinely worried for her and his best friend (she twists the truth a little bit, telling him it was about the Bellas). She trusts him to understand. Plus, she feels better getting it off her chest.
But suddenly, even he gets all finicky around her. Not that he's usually squirmish, because he is, it's just that it's more than usual. The girls seem to ease up though– they're all very giggly and bubbly.
It's all very weird. And suspicious.
Nonetheless, she ignores whatever antics that they're going through and goes to work at the radio station. Jesse's the only one there, earbuds plugged in as he stacks CDs, clearly ignoring her. She heads straight to the booth, minding her own business for the next four hours.
She sneaks a peek at Jesse, who was soundly asleep on the desk, his cheek pressed against the hard laminate. She rolls her eyes and slams a pile of vinyls next to him, startling him awake. He glares at her, checks his watch, and gets up to leave. Beca's readying her things and shuts off the lights, nearly running into Jesse blind on her way out the door.
"Are you gonna leave?" She asks, eyes narrowed at him in the dimmed light.
"Um, about that," he sighs, exasperated. "The door isn't budging."
"What?" She shoves him out of the way and pushes the door as hard as she can, her teeth gritted when the door doesn't move. "It's not even locked."
"I know that," he retorts, joining her in pushing the door. They fail, and Beca slumps against the hard glass in defeat. "I'll try the emergency exit."
He leaves, but she finds herself trailing after him after being creeped out by all the darkness in the lonely radio station.
"Did you get it open?"
Jesse jiggles the doorknob, pulling at it as hard as he can before giving up. "It hasn't been used in forever, it's useless."
Panic arises in her chest. "Holy shi– holy fuck. This cannot be happening."
Her first instinct is to call the police, but that seems a bit extreme, if she's gonna be honest. She considers breaking open a window, but before that, she tries to rationalize any other way of escape. She immediately dials Chloe, ignoring Jesse's rampant attempts at getting the doors to open.
She tells the redhead their situation. Chloe assures her that help is on the way, and it gives Beca a little comfort. Still, she can't help the panic from overcoming her entire body. She takes a seat on one of the raggedy old couches, burying her face into her hands to calm herself down. Her heart is racing, and she suddenly feels lightheaded.
Apparently, she was shaking, and Jesse seems to have noticed. "Becs? Are you okay?"
She looks up to see him approaching her worriedly, crouching in front of her bent form. "I'm fine. I'm fine. Chloe's dealing with it, it's okay."
She can tell that he's not very convinced by the way he was looking at her. His eyes are full of concern, and he's reaching out to clasp his hands with hers. The gesture helps a little– it's comforting, having their hands locked together. He quietly moves beside her on the couch, moving his arms to wrap around her shoulders, letting her lean into him.
They stay like that for awhile– just sitting in silence, her wrapped in his arms, his hand caressing her shoulder.
She hates that it feels so good, so right. It's ridiculous that she feels this way. It's like Jesse's a magnet or some shit, and after feeling so alone for the past two weeks, it feels so good being back to his side.
The moment lasts for a good ten minutes, but of course, he has to ruin it.
"Beca, we need to talk."
She uncomfortably shifts from his hold, turning to face him. "Okay."
"I'm sorry I blew up. It wasn't okay."
"Yeah."
He sighs impatiently. "Yeah? Just a 'yeah'?"
"What do you want me to say?" She challenges, maybe a little too boldly. He scoots away from her, clearly hurt.
His eyebrows knit together, huffing frustratedly. "I don't know. Maybe an apology?"
"For what?"
He groans in frustration. "C'mon, Becs. Don't be like this."
"Like what?"
"Jesus fucking Christ, Beca! Why are you acting like this? If you want to break up, just say it. Own up, we're fucking adults!"
She's starting to get red in the face now, her blood boiling already. "Own up? Alright," she says calmly, her jaw clenched in anger. "I'm scared, okay? I'm terrified. I'm fucking terrified. There, I'm sorry!"
A part of her is shocked and sad to hear that he was actually challenging her to break up with him, but mostly, she's pissed.
His face softens a little, but she can tell he's not about to back down. "You're terrified? How are you terrified?! I'm the one leaving to uncharted territory!"
"That's the fucking thing, Jesse! You're leaving," she snaps bitterly. "You're leaving to follow your dreams and I'm here sulking over the fact that I won't be. I'm useless. I failed. Of course I'm terrified, asshole. I don't know what I'm doing with my fucking life!"
She doesn't realize the hot tears stinging her eyes were running down her cheeks until now, when Jesse's wiping them away with the pads of his thumbs.
"I'm sorry, okay? Are you happy? Are you happy now?"
He hushes her gently, scooting back to her side and taking her back into his arms. She's stiff, still fighting to let him in. "No, I'm not. Is this what this was about? Beca," he sighs, rubbing her temples gently. "Beca..."
"Stop," she says heavily. "Jesse, stop."
He does what he's told, not wanting to push her. "I'm sorry."
"See, that's the problem. You shouldn't be sorry, for fuck's sake. At least, not for this. You said some shitty things, but you shouldn't be sorry about me being a selfish asshole," Beca mumbles, avoiding his gaze. "I'm so fucking scared. I don't know what I'm doing. I should've left for LA when I had the chance."
He nods sympathetically, waiting for her to go on.
"I avoided you because I– I almost regret this all. I regret Barden. I regret the Bellas. I regret trusting my dad. I regret," she swallows hard, "I regret falling in love. I don't deserve any of it. Life would be so much more simple if I just left after high school and started my career the way I wanted it to. You going to LA... It was my dream for so long, and after forgetting about it for the few years being here, it's just– It's just that it hit me, you know? My life wasn't supposed to be this way."
"Can I talk for a second?" He asks calmly, waiting for her to nod. "Beca, it's okay. Who ever let you believe that your life wasn't supposed to be this way– filled with love and support and people who care about you? Who let you believe this? It's going to be okay, Becs. You deserve all of it. I promise you."
He's still angry, but it's different now. Beca can't quite place her finger on it. It's in the way his voice cracked and in the way the veins on his neck were pulsing out of his skin. He's fierce and determined– It's not like before. He's not angry at her anymore.
It makes her feel better.
"How are you so sure?" She asks, this time her voice has a twinge of vulnerability. It's strange how her emotions worked.
"I don't know, Becs. I just know that you are talented, and smart, and above all, you're Beca Mitchell. You're amazing. You deserve all of the love and support you have, and I'm sorry that you don't realize that. But I hope you do soon," he says tenderly, tilting her chin to meet her gaze. "I love you, and we can continue working on this. Everything is going to be okay. I promise."
She wipes away whatever dignity she has left from her eyes, letting out a shuddery sigh. "Thank you. I missed you so much," she admits. "Do you still want to break up or..?"
His eyes nearly bulge out of its sockets, and she almost laughs at the sight, but she holds it in for the sake of keeping the angst. "No! Never," he exclaims, lifting her in his lap. She instinctively straddles his waist. "I missed you, too. I watched The Breakfast Club every night for the past two weeks."
"Oh, I was hoping you'd get my messages through the radio."
"I got them."
He offers her a shy smile, finally leaning in to kiss her on the lips. She gratefully takes him, relishing the soft feel against hers. It's silly, but whatever weight she was bearing for the past two weeks immediately disappeared in that moment. The feel of his lips on hers again was enough to lift her mood alone.
It's ridiculous– the way he makes her feel.
To: Chloe
From: Beca
"Hurry the fuck up. The radio station is scary at night."
Chloe and the girls study the text carefully. They're all crowded around the couch, analyzing the text critically.
"Do you think it worked?"
"Is that a happy or annoyed 'fuck'?"
"Any clues of a make-up?"
"I don't know, ladies. What's the general consensus?"
"I mean, maybe she just wants to get back home?"
"Yeah, okay, but does she want to get home because it's scary at the radio station or because being locked up with Jesse is too much to handle?"
"Could be both."
"Could be the former."
Chloe frowns, unsure of what to reply to the brunette. The whole point in locking the two up was to get them back together, and Beca's vague text was not helping with confirming a mission success.
She hums in deep thought before typing out a reply.
To: Beca
From: Chloe
"What if I told you that I can't guarantee anything until the morning?"
Beca's reply comes about a minute later, rather slow in text-time. She takes that as a good thing. Or maybe it was bad?
To: Chloe
From: Beca
"Omg can you just hurry up and get me and Jesse out of here. "
The girls stare at the response in shock.
"She said his name."
"They definitely got back together."
"This calls for a celebration!"
"Pass me the booze!"
"I get my bloody room back! FUCK YES!"
"Do you think they did it in the radio station? That would be hot."
"Stacie, that's... Not the point."
"So, mission accomplished?"
Chloe nods reluctantly, receiving a rousing round of applause from her troops. "I don't think we can say definitely, but we can assume. If we happen to be wrong, we'll just have to go back to the drawing board and start all over."
The ladies groan simultaneously, which Chloe ignores. "Alright, Lilly. We need you to get them out, now. I'll come with."
Chloe can't help the grin on her face when she sees Beca and Jesse standing closely together through the window of the radio station. Turns out, Lilly's weird habit of locking people inside buildings came into great use. Truly, Lilly's mastermind skills are the real winners here.
Lilly unbudges the door effortlessly and pushes it open. The seemingly happy couple thanks them immediately and Beca locks the building this time, noticing Chloe's cheshire cat-like smile the whole way home.
"Wait the fuck up, you planned this shit, didn't you?!" She screams, sounding impossibly loud in the darkness of Barden's campus.
Jesse, who's at Beca's side, looks at the three Bellas in disbelief. "Becs, what are you insinuating here?"
"They did it on purpose! They locked us in the radio station on purpose! That's why they've been so ho-hum! You bitches!" She yells, making Lilly and Chloe run for their lives back to the Bella house. "Look at those cowards! They so did it! What the FUCK."
"Thanks girls!" Jesse calls after them, snickering as Beca curses the whole way to the Trebles house.