Chapter Text
When Dazai wakes up, he's in Chuuya's warm arms. He feels so warm, and everything is still.
Well, until Dazai remembers. Although his memories from when he was regressed were hazy, it was easy for him to make sense of what had happened. He had involuntarily regressed, in front of Chuuya of all people. Anxiety immediately begins to fill his chest, Chuuya must be so angry. If he remembers correctly, he had so many breakdowns. Breakdowns that Chuuya had to deal with.
This was mortifying. He's going to be punished again. Sure, Chuuya was being nice last night, but that was probably just because Chuuya didn’t want to hear his annoying crying and get complaints from the neighbors. There's no way he'll receive that same kind of treatment today. He's screwed.
Thankfully the fuzzy feeling isn't here this morning, but Dazai is going to have to be careful from now on. He attempts to pry Chuuya off him, and thankfully he's able to slip away. Chuuya shifts and Dazai freezes, seeing if the redhead wakes up, but thankfully he just rolls over and continues to sleep. Dazai finds his work clothes that are all wrinkled up, but it doesn't matter at the moment.
Dazai carefully walks out of the bedroom, making sure to not make any sounds. He was a lighter sleeper, but so was Chuuya. He walks to the bathroom, and quickly changes his clothes. Chuuya's clothes were comfy, but Dazai can't take them. That would just be vile after also wasting Chuuya's time.
Dazai is thankful Chuuya had changed his bandages last night, it just made this easier. Although, Mori's jacket will need a wash. The inside was stained with blood. Thinking of the wounds, of his punishment, makes Dazai feel even worse.
He has to get out of here. He's already wasted enough of Chuuya's time. He walks to the door, and right before he's about to turn the doorknob, he hears steps behind him, causing him to freeze.
"Wait!" Chuuya yells from the hallway, and it causes Dazai to flinch. Shit. This was bad. He had been caught. It was time to apologize. Maybe he could get out of another punishment.
"I'm sorry, Chuuya. I'm really sorry." Dazai begs, looking Chuuya in the eye. Chuuya's eyes widen, and then a look of confusion.
"What? I- I'm not mad at you, Mackerel," Chuuya reasons, but Dazai doesn't stop his rambling of 'sorry'.
"Please don't hurt me-" Dazai says, and it stops Chuuya in his tracks. Hurt him?
"Dazai no, I'm not going to hurt you! Why would I hurt you for just coping? Your age regression is completely harmless,"
Chuuya was wrong. It wasn't 'harmless'. Sure at the surface it was, but when you consider the entire picture, it wasn't. Maybe Chuuya was okay with taking care of him last night, but surely he wouldn't in the future. Dazai was just too much. Surely Chuuya doesn't want to deal with a sad baby all the time.
Dazai will mess up soon. It was inevitable, and the reason Dazai didn't have many friends. He'll mess up, say or do something he shouldn't have, and Chuuya will leave him. Dazai needs to stop this now, if he gets attached to Chuuya's affection, it'll hurt even worse when Chuuya leaves him. He can't get attached.
"I have to go," Dazai says, and he attempts to walk out again, but Chuuya stops him once again.
"Last night!-" Chuuya says, taking a deep breath. "Last night you- you wanted to tell me something,"
Shit.
Dazai needs to get out of here now.
"Dazai what happened? Yesterday when I found you- you fainted. And you were hurt. Why? Why did you do that?" Chuuya asks, and Dazai swears he sees tears in Chuuya's eyes.
"Please, Chuuya, I have to go home," Dazai pleads, trying to turn away. He can't keep ahold of his emotions forever, at least not for long. If he gets too frustrated, he may accidentally regress again, and he'd like to avoid that at all costs.
"Dazai. Don't just run away again, don't. Please don't push me away and distance yourself. I'm not going to leave you. I promise I won't." Chuuya says, seemingly seeing through Dazai’s overthinking.
It causes Dazai to freeze. Chuuya.. won't leave?
"You won't?" Dazai asks in a quiet voice.
"I won't." Chuuya smiles reassuringly. "Can we come sit down on the couch for a little while?" Chuuya asks, and Dazai knows that this is a bad idea and that he really should be leaving, not going to sit on the couch. But it’s what Chuuya had asked of him. Dazai follows him to the couch, sitting down. Anxiety is still present in Dazai’s chest, when wasn’t it? Everything is moving so fast.
He's prepared to be questioned, or for Chuuya to get angry at him-
"You hungry? I can make you something," Chuuya offers, smiling. It's a bit of a shock, but he mentally thanks Chuuya for just acting casual. It relaxes his nerves a bit.
"'m not hungry," Dazai murmurs, and Chuuya frowns.
"It's probably been a while since you've eaten. Soon please?" Chuuya says, and he isn't wrong. Dazai hadn't eaten much yesterday anyways.
"Since when has Chibi cared so much? Leave me be," Dazai grumbles out, trying to regain any hint of normalcy. He could act like his adult self, even when he was feeling a bit small. It wasn't too hard to fake it, after all, Dazai masks all the time. The kindness that Chuuya had been showing him was not what Dazai was used to. It was new and scary. This seems to break Chuuya's previous demeanor for a second, of course, Dazai is already fucking up.
"I'm trying to help you! Yet all you want to do is push me away," Chuuya yells, losing his cool. Of course, he hadn't meant to, but adult Dazai was great at pushing Chuuya's buttons.
Dazai flinches and clenches his eyes shut, trembling. He can feel tears forming, and he hates it. He hates it so much. Usually, he was able to banter with Chuuya with no issue, in fact, it was quite amusing to anger the other. But being yelled at right now.. hurts. It causes a strong feeling to build in his chest, a feeling Dazai can't describe (he's never been good at feelings) and it feels the only way to relieve the pressure is to cry.
Chuuya nearly curses (but doesn't, he doesn't want to further upset the younger) when he sees Dazai flinch. He was sure Dazai was feeling older now, it had seemed like it.. but apparently not. And Chuuya had messed up.
"Baby? I'm sorry.. are you still feeling little?" Chuuya asks, quickly trying to resolve this. By now, Dazai's tears had spilled, falling down his face. Dazai looked miserable, like he was trying to keep himself together but unfortunately failing every time.
"No!" Dazai sobs, frustration building. All these emotions felt so big and overwhelming, and he was not little right now. Definitely not. Everything was so frustrating, just making him cry more.
Chuuya swallows nervously, clearly Dazai didn't want to be babied right now, but Chuuya wanted to help calm the other. He's not exactly sure what to do. Chuuya knows adult Dazai doesn't like being touched, especially during a breakdown, so he can just treat Dazai like an adult for now until he's ready.
"Dazai? You with me?" Chuuya asks, resisting the urge to touch and comfort Dazai.
Dazai feels like he could cry forever. Everything is so extremely upsetting. Dazai had messed up. Now Chuuya won't love him anymore. He should've been more careful..
"Hey, hey," Chuuya says, interrupting Dazai's black-and-white thinking. "I can practically hear you overthinking. I'm not mad or anything, okay? Let's just breathe for a moment, I don't want you hyperventilating." Chuuya finishes, giving the softest smile he can muster.
Dazai sniffles. Chibi's not mad? Maybe.. maybe this wasn't so bad then. Maybe he could breathe.
Although Dazai's breathing efforts are shaky and sometimes interrupted by sobs, Chuuya couldn't be happier.
"You're doing great, Mackerel." Chuuya soothes, and the praise makes Dazai melt a little more. He knows he doesn't deserve that praise, but it feels so good. And Dazai was a selfish creature.
Dazai looks at Chuuya with teary eyes, helplessly. He knows he's half-regressed, but doesn't feel like dropping right now. However.. he wouldn't mind if Chuuya held him the same way he held him last night. But asking for something might as well be the most difficult thing in the world for him, and he can feel himself on his way to another breakdown.
Thankfully, Chuuya is being observant and pulls Dazai into his lap, holding him close to his chest, soothing him further. It makes Dazai feel like jelly, all warm inside. He relaxes to the touch. Safe.
"Chuuya?" Dazai asks into Chuuya's shirt, slightly muffled.
"Yeah?" Chuuya asks, rubbing his hand through Dazai's hair, the way he knows Dazai likes.
"It wasn't me," Dazai whispers and Chuuya can barely pick it up.
"Hm?” Chuuya asks, confused.
"I.. I didn't cut myself. Wasn't me," Dazai admits, and the second he says it, he immediately regrets it. Chuuya had no reason to believe him anyways, and he'll get mad at Dazai for lying.
Chuuya can feel tears soaking into his shirt, and his heart breaks a little more. He was relieved earlier when Dazai managed to calm down, but this isn’t good. Chuuya knows Dazai must be feeling a bit little, it was clear by the way Dazai wanted to be held.
"Okay," Chuuya says, trying to hear Dazai's side of the story before he tries to make another assumption. He doesn’t want Dazai to think that he doesn’t believe him. He trusts Dazai, even with his life.
Unfortunately, though, Dazai just cries more, Chuuya can tell by the way Dazai's body shakes from each sob. Trembling.
"Y-you don't believe m-me?" Dazai sobs, stuttering with his words. He should've expected this from the start. He was being stupid. Why would anyone believe that anyone else except Dazai made those cuts?
"Dazai, I do believe you. Do you want to talk more about it? I want to help you,”
"C-can't tell. Don't w-want to be in tr-ouble.." Dazai cries, knowing that if Mori finds out he told someone, the punishment will be far worse than what he did yesterday.
“Love, you don’t have to tell me, I won’t force you to. But I’m right here. Tell me when you’re ready, alright?”
Dazai sniffles and awkwardly scoots off of Chuuya’s lap, and the redhead makes no objections, besides a small look of concern as Dazai curls up in the corner of the couch, his face to his knees.
The thing is, Dazai might never be ready. He could go a whole lifetime never being ready.
“Mori,” Dazai mumbles into his work pants, which were probably going to get soggy at the knees.
Chuuya is surprised, but at the same time, not. Mori always seemed like a terrible person, but knowing that Mori was the one who did this made Chuuya’s blood boil. The rage could build inside him forever, but what mattered right now was comforting poor Mackerel, who had started crying again after the confession left his lips.
“Dazai, can you look at me?”
The question causes Dazai’s mind to race. Is Chuuya about to slap or hit him? Maybe this was all a test, maybe Mori had sent Chuuya to see if Dazai would break the rules and tell someone. If that’s the case, then Dazai is in really deep shit. He shouldn’t have told Chuuya.
But Dazai knows that if he doesn’t follow orders, the punishment will be even worse. So he reluctantly looks up from his knees with teary eyes to meet Chuuya’s eyes.. and.. he’s.. smiling? But not an evil-looking smile like Mori has, a soft, kind one.
“I am so proud of you, Mackerel. Thank you for telling me,” Chuuya says, smiling. The look of confusion that shows on Dazai’s face makes Chuuya realize that Dazai probably wasn’t expecting this outcome, and it shatters his heart once again.
Dazai’s bottom lip quivers and the tears are threatening to spill again. Dazai’s trying his best to keep himself together, after all, he doesn’t have a reason to cry if Chuuya is being nice, but he can’t help it.
Maybe he’s just overwhelmed. Maybe he’s just relieved. But the tears do fall, and soon Dazai’s sobbing once again. But Chuuya’s right there to scoop him up into his arms and hold him, offering small words of praise that make Dazai melt.
It feels safe in Chuuya’s arms, like nobody could hurt him right now. He knows he must be regressing, by the amount of times he’s cried this morning. He never cries this much. Chuuya must have recognized this too, which is why he’s once again in Chibi’s lap. But it doesn’t keep the thought of Mori out of his head.
“C-chuuya, please- you can’t let him find out I told you-“
“He won’t find out, Baby. Shh.. it’ll be okay.” Chuuya says, holding him. The nickname makes Dazai feel a little more comfortable. Too comfortable. He didn’t want to drop right now.
Dazai wipes his eyes and pushes away from Chuuya again, too many of his masks were down right now. He just needed to quickly recollect himself. Dazai takes a few deep breaths, just as Chuuya instructs him to sometimes, and pretends he doesn’t see Chuuya concernedly looking at him.
“Feel better?” Chuuya asks, smiling.
“Yeah,” Dazai mutters, avoiding eye contact. Unfortunately, he wasn’t too far into headspace that he couldn’t register what had just happened. The breakdown(s) he just had were beyond embarrassing. At least when he was regressed he had a bit of an excuse to act like a baby (barely), but he had a breakdown in his adult headspace. That was immature, and punishable. Thankfully, Chibi was too dumb to punish him.
“Dazai? Can we also talk about.. last night?” Chuuya asks, a little nervous. He can tell that this isn’t going to be an easy conversation, so he attempts to prepare himself.
“No,” Dazai says, still avoiding eye contact. Chuuya frowns. This was exactly what he had expected.
“No? Come on, Mackerel. There’s no point in pretending it didn’t happen. I just wanna talk,”
“What is there to talk about? You saw how pathetic I was. Great. Moving on,” Dazai grumbled out, and Chuuya rolls his eyes. Dazai could be so difficult sometimes, but Chuuya can’t allow himself to get angry. He sees right through Dazai now, and Chuuya won’t let himself get angry. Obviously, Dazai is trying to mask right now, but Chuuya can clearly tell he’s at least between headspace’s. Ideally, he could have Dazai regress and get him to eat something. But first, they need to talk.
“You weren’t pathetic. Age regression is a good coping mechanism for you, actually.”
“What? I’m not stupid like you, Slug. It’s not good. It’s dumb to act like a baby. Mori’s right,” Dazai says, mumbling the last part. Dazai was tired of Chuuya trying to convince him that being a baby was a good thing. Plus, he doesn’t want to bother Chuuya either. Surely taking care of such a sad baby wasn’t any fun.
“Dazai,” He sighs. “I know it was hard while you were regressed, but didn’t you also have fun? Remember? We watched cartoons.” Chuuya smiles. “My point is that it was good for you, and I want to help. I promise you’re not a bother, it was nice taking care of you,” Chuuya finishes. He’s filled with so much affection and love at the memory of last night, and has to hold himself back from practically smothering Dazai in it.
This catches Dazai off guard. Chuuya.. didn’t mind?
“And.. you’re pretty adorable too,” Chuuya says, feeling the need to talk from Dazai’s lack of response. Chuuya can’t help it anymore, he pulls Dazai closer, and thankfully, Dazai doesn’t resist the touch. The compliment and contact causes Dazai’s face to go red, and compared to the white of his face bandage, he looks especially red. It causes Chuuya to laugh, and although Dazai is perfectly aware that Chuuya is laughing at him, it helps him relax a little to have Chuuya holding him close again.
Enough for him to begin feeling small again, which reminds Dazai: Why the hell hasn’t he gotten out of here yet?
Unfortunately, (or fortunately) before Dazai can squirm away and run out the door, Chuuya just pulls him into his lap again, causing Dazai to grumble something unintelligible when he can’t squirm away. Chuuya was just too strong.
“Just relax, Love,” Chuuya mumbles, deciding that it’s now to try to get Dazai to drop. The nickname makes him melt further into Chuuya’s chest. Once again, he’s blushing and shoves his face into Chuuya’s neck. Even more unfortunate, Chuuya decides this is the perfect time to stroke Dazai’s hair too, and whatever control Dazai had over his headspace previously goes right down the drain.
“Chuuya..” Dazai whines, wanting to say something but at the same time barely being able to form words. Sometimes it was hard just to think when he was little, of course, talking is so much harder.
“Hey,” Chuuya says, pressing a kiss into the top of Dazai’s head. It causes the baby to giggle, and this is exactly what Chuuya meant by ‘adorable’. “Hungry?”
Dazai nods into Chuuya’s chest, and the older rolls his eyes. Dazai was hungry, and was just lying earlier. At least while he was regressed he could get Dazai to eat a little bit.
“Alright, let’s go,” Chuuya says, standing up with Dazai in his arms. He walks to the kitchen, and Dazai seemed to be completely relaxed into Chuuya’s arms. Dazai nuzzles his face into Chuuya’s neck. Chuuya can’t help the smile that forms, his partner was just so cute. Surely setting him down right now would cause a total meltdown. Making food with a clingy little in your arms wasn’t a very good idea, but Chuuya doesn’t have a lot of options right now. He could try.
“Is toast with butter okay?” Chuuya asks, softly bouncing Dazai. It was a bland option, so hopefully, it wouldn’t upset Dazai’s stomach. When Chuuya looks down at Dazai to get an answer, he sees the younger has put his thumb into his mouth and is sucking on it. Well, it wasn’t sanitary, but Chuuya wasn’t going to stop him right now.
It reminds Chuuya, maybe he could buy some things for Dazai? Regressing seemed helpful for Dazai, and something such as a pacifier could do him well. He’ll look online later.
Dazai nods, looking a little bit unsure, but hopefully, it would be fine regardless. Chuuya shifts Dazai in his arms a bit, and it causes Dazai to whine and pout, not wanting to be set down. Chuuya shushes him gently, and thankfully Dazai settles.
Chuuya gets out two pieces of bread, one for himself and one for Dazai, and then slides them both into the toaster and hits start. Chuuya was glad making toast was easy, glad he didn’t have to set Dazai down. As he waits, he gently bounces Dazai in his arms, and smiles at the content noise he makes.
Even though they had just slept, Chuuya can tell Dazai is getting tired. Sure, they hadn’t been up for too long but he’s sure those breakdowns exhausted Dazai.
Chuuya’s line of thought is interrupted by the pop of the toaster, signaling the toast was done. He gets out two paper plates, Dazai was better off having something that won't shatter if it were to fall.
Now the harder part: the butter. Chuuya had no idea how he’s gonna do this, but it wasn’t worth setting Dazai down. He grabs the butter from the fridge and gets out a butter knife, setting both on the counter. Chuuya struggles to open the butter, it was far harder with only one available hand, but eventually, it pops open. He quickly spreads some butter on the toast.
“Hey ‘Zai, I’m done with the toast. Let’s sit on the couch now,” Chuuya says, only able to carry one plate at the moment, he’ll have to set Dazai down and then go get the other plate.
The feeling of being set down, to Dazai, feels like rejection. Did Chuuya finally get tired of holding him? Oh.
Dazai knows that Chuuya has already done more than enough, but losing the warmth and comfort from being in Chuuya’s arms was much too addictive. And now he already missed it. Even worse is when Chuuya walks away, and now Dazai is sure he’s being left. It was all too good to be true from the very start.
He shouldn’t have let his guard down.
A silent sob creeps up on Dazai, all the feelings of being abandoned so overwhelming, he just can’t help it. Everything hurts so badly, his thinking and reasoning that ‘Chuuya doesn’t love me anymore’ and ‘how could anyone love me?’ only fueling the incoming panic attack.
When Chuuya hears the shaky breathing, he rushes even faster than he was before. Realistically, it had only been about 30 seconds away from Dazai, but he already knows how sensitive Dazai is when he’s regressed. And clearly while in that headspace, he wasn’t very rational. It was easy to assume what had happened, had Dazai perceived Chuuya leaving momentarily as being left? He should’ve reassured Dazai before he left for the kitchen. He was sure using ‘let’s’ in his last sentence would’ve told Dazai that Chuuya was going to sit and eat with Dazai, but he guesses not.
He quickly rushes to the couch, setting down the plate of toast onto the table, and trying to comfort Dazai. He really shouldn’t have left Dazai alone. Shit.
“Hey, hey, Dazai, I’m back, I’m here. It’s okay,” Chuuya attempts to soothe, but poor Mackerel has already gotten himself so worked up.
“I promise I’m not leaving again, alright? I’m really sorry,” Chuuya reasons, hoping he can stop Dazai’s thought process of perceived abandonment. Chuuya curses himself, he could’ve just set the plate he was holding down and then gone to the kitchen with Dazai. Then this all wouldn’t have spiraled out of control..
All of a sudden Dazai quiets, occasionally sniffling but it seemed to be over now. Chuuya would be thankful for this.. but something was still wrong. Mackerel still looked so upset, eyes glassy with tears. It was even more concerning than the crying in a few ways.
“Dazai? What’s wrong?” Chuuya asks, gently running his fingers through Dazai’s hair. Dazai avoids his gaze and only looks even sadder, and once again it feels like Chuuya’s heart is being torn in half. Did he really screw up this badly?
“Don’t wanna bother Chuuya..” Dazai miraculously mumbles, Chuuya wasn’t expecting a response.
“I promise you aren’t bothering me, Love,” Chuuya says, still stroking through Dazai’s hair. All of a sudden all the pieces came together, everything made a lot more sense now. Dazai had forced himself to stop crying because he didn’t want to bother Chuuya. “It’s okay to cry, y’know? It’s good to let out your emotions so they don’t get too overwhelming.” Chuuya reasons, and Dazai finally accepts further touch, allowing Chuuya to pull Dazai in closer, leaning against the older.
Chuuya’s eyes glance to the toast that has been sitting on the coffee table, not wanting it to get cold. He grabs Dazai’s plate, putting it in Dazai’s lap. If crumbs got on the couch, it was no big deal.
“Can we eat a little bit? I know you’re hungry, Sweetheart,” Chuuya urges, grabbing his own plate and having a bite of the toast, showing Dazai he could do it too. He knows the other struggles with eating, so if Chuuya could just get Dazai to eat more than a few bites, he’d feel accomplished.
“okay..” Dazai mumbles, grabbing the toast and moving it to his mouth where he only took tiny nibbles of it. Still, Dazai looked so miserable, and it was only getting more concerning. Chuuya doesn’t know what to do, he can’t just let Dazai not eat.
“Hey, how about we watch something while we eat, hm?” Chuuya asks, grabbing the remote and opening Disney+ again. The younger seems interested by all the colorful movies and shows on the screen, and Chuuya takes it as a good sign.
“Anything you want to watch?” Chuuya asks, looking over at Dazai again. To Dazai, all the options start to get a bit overwhelming, there was so much. What if he picked something Chuuya wouldn’t enjoy? He eyes the show they had watched last night, Dazai remembered that Chuuya hadn’t seemed to mind it.
“Bluey?” Dazai asks, and Chuuya smiles, happy Dazai used his words to ask for something.
“Yeah, we can watch Bluey. Make sure you eat too,” Chuuya says, using the remote to click on the second episode. It seemed like a good distraction, Dazai was using all his focus to watch the show, that he wasn’t completely comprehending he was eating. Plus, the show was amusing to Dazai, he could see it by the way his face lit up. This was for sure a win.
It softened Chuuya’s heart to see Dazai so happy. Chuuya would do just about anything to see the same smile on Dazai’s face while he was an adult.
In the end, when the younger is pushing away his plate, Dazai had managed to eat more than half of his toast, and although toast isn’t exactly the most filling thing, Chuuya was glad nonetheless. Recently Dazai’s eating habits were only getting worse, but this was a step in the right direction.
“You did so well, Love. I’m really proud of you,” Chuuya praises, and it makes Dazai melt. At some point Dazai had migrated into Chuuya’s lap, and the older gently rocks him, encouraging a nap. He knows Dazai must be tired.
“Let’s get you into bed, Sweetheart,” Chuuya says, once again lifting Dazai up and continuing the rocking motion as he walks to the bedroom. Mackerel can barely keep his eyes open already, and the familiar fond feeling fills Chuuya’s chest when he sees it. Dazai was really adorable. The bed wasn't made, so it was easy to get Dazai under the covers.
“Stay?” Dazai said, voice quiet with exhaustion.
“I’ll stay. Don’t worry,” Chuuya says, getting under the blankets next to Dazai. It doesn’t take Dazai long to fall asleep, knowing Chuuya is right nearby. It was nice to see Dazai’s peaceful resting face.
He most likely won’t be able to sleep, after all, it was only the beginning of the day, but it would be fine. It gave Chuuya some time to reflect. Naturally, the first thing that came to mind was what Dazai had told him earlier. That Mori hurt him. Once again, the thought makes him incredibly angry. He’d have to be more wary about this. Maybe he could go with Dazai the next time he has to see Mori?
Chuuya is thankful for Dazai being honest with him, and the age regressing really wasn’t such a huge deal like Dazai was making it out to be. Clearly, it was helpful for him.
It gives Chuuya hope for the future, hope for Dazai.