Chapter Text
Ed was in something of a nightmare. He found himself in such a manner most times he slept. At least, it had been so since Stede left. Worser still, since he gave himself back to being the Kraken.
Sometimes they were futile and vague little things. Like rocky weather and he was alone on his own little row boat trying to keep from rolling over on the waves. Sometimes they were of him returning to his hometown and to those cobblestone streets he could never truly escape. More than once it'd been about sword fighting a man of smoke and glow ember eyes, a man he knew was himself as the people of the world saw him.
But the nightmare he faced that night, was a near reality that could've happened.
He was back in Mary Bonnet's bedroom. But instead of leaving Doug alive in the chair, he'd already slashed his throat and left him to bleed out onto himself while he tormented her. She'd struck him in the side, and the same twinge of sharp pulsing pain hit him. And again, he'd knocked it out of her hand and went right on with pinning her to the wall.
The tears trailed down her cheeks. Hints of glittering gold bounced off of their tracks from the flickering candlelight behind them. They could barely see each other like that. In the dim dark, there was just enough to tell what he was doing.
“I should kill you too for what you did. For the man you wasted,” he told her. Narrowed eyes bore into her like a red-hot branding.
She shook her head, pathetically wailing on about,“ I didn't.”
She was lying. She was a liar. Just like Stede was.
“You did.” He could almost spit at her feet he was so disgusted. “He could've been everything and you didn't care.”
And then, her expression went blank. She wasn't sobbing anymore. She just looked at him straightly. And, like a taunt, she reminded him,” You cared, and it still didn't matter.”
That truth raged inside him so angrily there was barely a beat between the words slipping off of her tongue, and the knife burying itself into her belly. She gasped with wide eyes. Distraught in the way people only become as they know it's their last moments.
He stepped back to watch her. Watch the way her hands flew to the back end of the blade. To the handle still sticking out of her. Fingers desperate to stop it, but ultimately aware they couldn't. As that deep red blood poured out of her, she slid down the wall. Coming to the ground where it pooled. It even collected with the droplets she'd taken from him with that damned fire poker.
It didn't feel all that much better. It didn't sate him to watch her die. But it was the only idea he'd had left.
As her skin went pale, as her dress stained with the color of her insides, as her eyes faded away and her head fell forward, it was done.
He was still looking at Mary Bonnet's final rest when he heard his name from the door.
“Ed…” Stede stood there. Gaping at him and the terrible sight before him. Two young children hid behind his legs. Looking at him, with so much horror, that it really hit him for the first time what he'd done.
“No. No, no, no-” he wallowed in vain. “But if you're…”
Stede's voice was cold in a way he'd never heard before,“ I can't believe you could do such a thing. To an innocent mother.”
Ed became unsteady. Shaky, in the way he quaked just to breathe. It was like seeing a ghost, but Stede was all too real in front of him. Disapproving eyes tearing him to shreds. A splayed hand in front of his children to keep them away.
He could hardly believe it as he tried to explain,“ You were supposed to be dead, they all said you were dead. And it was her fault. It had to be her fault and she had to pay. Because she killed you and I was just-”
“Intending to make orphans of my children, then was it?” Stede assumed.
“I… I hadn't even really thought of what would become of...” he shuddered in raw honesty,” I'm just so hurt.”
But the man before him didn't care. He only spoke like every word he said was pure fact, taken directly from the books of his library. Perfectly measured and sure.
“And so you have hurt so many more. You're a monster.” Then he almost seemed to pity him,“ And it's a shame, really, that you were never meant for the finer things. It's too bad I couldn't have fixed you up for it. Made you worth it.”
Ed was bereft. Left in shock that the Stede he loved would say such a thing. Even if he left him behind… to think he was “fixing” him… It stung deeper than the open wound.
Stede only looked to the children,“ Let's go kids. Time to leave the bad, nasty pirate on his lonesome like how he's supposed to be.”
Ed crumbled to the floor. Landing on his knees, and barely catching himself with his hand as he reached forward, clambering for him and begging that he listen and try,“ No. No, Stede, if you're still here then maybe we can-”
It was almost like he was going to laugh at him,“ We can't do anything now, you've ruined it.” Ed shrank back. “Too impulsive for your own good. You took away all your own chances and threw them out. And now you'll be left to think about that, over and over, until someone does you the favor of ending your regretful existence."
As Stede walked away, Ed could only stay there on the floor. Surrounded by the bodies he claimed with no real desire. Just the results of lashing out and being lost. And it cost him.
When he sprung forward in a bed, a cold sweat across his chest, and a damp cloth falling from his forehead, he was at least relieved to have been mistaken by the nightmare. Because, right, it didn't happen like that. Mary and Doug were fine and sent him on his way to make amends and figure out the truth. And he'd done that, or at least started to. He got back to The Revenge and was on the deck when… yes, it was all going wrong.
He quickly remembered himself and soon after realized he was in the captain's bed with his hands tied together. All of it rushed back into his head in about a second really, though it felt longer than that. So as soon as there was time to speak, Stede, who had been right there next to him, spoke.
“You're awake,” he said it with surprise.
Which was fair, given that the man startled awake only a foot away from him in the first place. Ed turned to look at him and shifted his shoulders and wrists more absentmindedly than anything. They looked like good knots and were tight enough without being all that uncomfortable.
Stede noticed the slight struggle against the binds," Sorry about-"
"No, it's smart.” Ed excused. “Smart to be careful when handling a wild animal, right?" He said it with a huff almost like a laugh. A crude joke largely stemming from that dream and the way the Stede in his head so readily called him a monster.
Maybe he was trying to lighten the mood, but it only served to make Stede wince.
"Ed, what happened here?" he asked. Not even referencing what Edward had said, because he didn't know what to do with it.
It almost felt like a slap. Like an accusation.
"What happened? ” Ed echoed the idea. He planted his fists on the mattress and twisted to swing his legs over the edge, still half covered by his pants and the blanket. He looked at Stede more directly and claimed his inquiry as his own. “That's my question. Where were you-"
“We have to talk about what you’ve done.”
And there it was.
The other shoe dropped.
Ed could see it then. That was always how it was going to go. Why would they talk about anything else? They weren’t going to talk about the cliff, or the kiss, or the dock.
No. Obviously, Stede was here to lecture him on what a disgrace his existence was. To be another voice telling Ed that, no, he actually doesn’t deserve fine things. That Stede had only been momentarily confused about it before but had come to realize Ed would only stain the good things with his blood-soaked hands.
Ed took it like a punch to the chin and rolled right on,“ What I’ve done? Sure. Because it’s all my fault.”
Stede's expression cinched. “What? That’s not what I-”
“No. Of course not. But it doesn’t matter that I was abandoned. Doesn’t matter that I was rejected. Doesn’t matter what anyone else does to Blackbeard. He’s just supposed to take it, right? Right?!"
Stede blinked at him, seemingly confused by the shift in tone and the direction they were going in. Caught off-guard almost," I didn't-"
But Ed was only going where Stede was bringing them, he was just going there a little bit faster.
"And whatever happens after. It’s still his fault. Every. Single. Time.” He felt tears coming on like bile crawling up the back of his throat, but he bit them back. “It’s always his fucking fault. So, sorry.” he threw the apology in his face, hoping it hit half as hard as all the others he'd taken before,” I’m so, so, so fucking sorry, Bonnet.”
His voice dripped with venom. And he hadn't called Stede “Bonnet” in so long. It ripped at him, he stood up and insisted,” I didn’t say that!”
“But it’s the truth!” the man seethed up at him. “You betrayed me! And still, it’s my fault!”
“Don’t put words in my mouth. I’m not blaming you for-”
“Yes! Yes, you are! Because everyone hates Blackbeard!”
“Stop deciding for yourself how I feel about-”
“How you feel?” Ed's eyes widened and he leaned forward as he asked him, instead,“ What about how I feel? Given that YOU FUCKING BROKE YOUR PROMISE TO ME?”
Stede didn't readily have an answer to sum it up quickly. There were so many parts of it he wanted to address, but before he even got started, Ed sat back and shrugged to himself,“ And I don’t even know why I’m surprised. I really shouldn’t be. You were the one itching to find a way out of the Act of Grace from the second you signed it. You’re the one who left your whole world behind - your own fucking family - because you got bored.” Stede's expression flinched at the mention, but Ed just looked to the side and concluded,” You’ve never committed yourself to shit. I don’t know why I was stupid enough to believe that you would actually commit to me.”
Stede's eyebrows knit together and he sat back down across from him,“ I know you’re hurt, but that is not fair. You don’t know-”
“What I do know is that you’re just mad that I really am the Kraken.” His nightmare still echoed in his ears,” So livid and worked over that you couldn’t fix me, right? That you couldn’t fucking tame me? FURIOUS that you wasted all that damned time-”
“I’M FURIOUS THAT YOU TRIED TO KILL MY CREW!” he suddenly burst. “THAT’S WHAT MAKES ME FURIOUS. HAD I NOT FOUND MY MEN BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE, HAD LUCIUS NOT MIRACULOUSLY SURVIVED, HAD JIM AND FRENCHIE NOT BEEN ON BOARD UNHARMED, I’D- I’D HAVE-” Ed watched him run over that anger and fury that simmered in his belly. Watched the way it built to a sharp point, and still, Stede talked himself down from the ledge. Put off by the reality that hid under coded phrases like,“ I’d have done something I wouldn’t have been able to take back.”
“Course you would’ve.” Ed nodded with a mocking tone to it. Stede had yet to show proof of an iron stomach to handle something like an execution. He could almost see it, after the lessons and with some real rage to him. But the fact was, he hadn't done it. He got his way out of having to do it from a series of chances leaving things better off for him. He only reminded him,“ Not doing it now though, now you just want to fucking talk.”
Stede fumed.
“You tried to kill seven of the people I care about most in this world. You tried to kill seven of the people I would’ve only ever trusted you with. Stranded six of them on what had to have been the most pitiful isle in the whole damn ocean and pushed one of them overboard with your own hands… Am I supposed to not care?” he asked him. “I don’t know how it usually goes with captains and pirates and death among the crew, so maybe I’m missing a cultural distance between it all because they are my family. As much as my own children, they are my family. And I thought they were yours too. I thought you loved them as I did. I trusted you to co-captain them with me before. You are the only person I would've trusted them with had I died. And now I can’t. I can’t trust you with them. And that makes me furious. That is what we need to discuss.”
“Discuss, discuss, discuss… Why do we have to fucking discuss? Waste a bunch of time so you can tell me I’m a monster? "The ol’ Demon really is rotten, all the way through his evil fucking bones right into his evil fucking heart." Right? That's what you want to discuss.” Ed spat out the nickname like the insult it always was.
“I don’t think you’re a monster. But-”
“BUT!” Ed pointed at him with both of his bound hands,” There it is. Anything that comes before a ‘but’ is just a bunch of bullshit. I'm sure even the high society had some sort of saying like that. And I really was right, huh? Back with Calico Jack. You were always going to see what I am. And you were always going to leave me because of it.”
“I’m not leaving you. I’m sitting right here trying to talk to you, but you won’t let me.” Stede urged,” I want you to let me in-”
Ed's eyes went colder,“ I already did that. That was what we did on the cliff. That was me letting you in. Then you ran away. Couldn't handle the pressure.”
Stede's voice didn't carry much strength in it,“ I-” he tried. Only to let it fall as the man in front of him continued.
“I’d never felt so alone. So hated,” he corrected,” as I did on that dock. You did that to me. Everything I did after was in response to your cruelty.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Not fair? Not fucking fair? You left first and you want to call everything that happened afterward “not fair”!”
“No, you left first!” Stede reminded him. “You mused about walking away because you'd simply gotten bored of us. And then you actually left for Jack. Left all of us for an island and a bottle of booze the two of you could share.” He paused before he said it again,” You showed me first. That I couldn't offer you enough. That I wasn’t worth the excitement I was taking from you. The life you already knew.”
“But I didn’t want that life,” Ed argued, growing louder as he insisted,” I came back!”
Stede swept his arms out,“ And what am I doing here? Now? I came back.”
Ed didn't respond. Just looked at him and kept that angry expression on his face. Lips curled at the corners, wrinkles between his eyes and across his forehead.
“I came back too,” Stede repeated, gentler the second time as he moved into the next part. “You don’t know what it meant to me when you came back over the railing. Even in the face of our oncoming danger, you came back to face it with us. No one has ever cared to come back for me for anything. Never. When you left, I was up all night just begging the world for a sign that you even wanted me to try and change your mind. I sat in this cabin, for hours, just trying to figure out “why him”? What did he have that I didn't? Why was Jack so much better than me that you would leave all of us, the whole crew, for his company?”
That narration of events sounded scarily similar to the ones that played over Ed's last few days. As he ached and ruminated on Mary Bonnet and what use she had that made her worth so much more. As he tore himself up and got all tangled up in knots over that comparison. So much so that he couldn't drop it even when he'd tried. Not until he knew it wasn't over.
“When you came back I believed in you more than I have ever believed in anything. You made me feel like a person who mattered for the very first time.“ Stede told him.
“And so naturally, you returned the favor by betraying me.”
There was that part of it he still couldn't understand. Because the two of them made plans after being taken from the ship. They'd opened up and had an understanding and that was the moment he disappeared. Not before, after.
He bristled and bit his lip. “I left. And I admit it was a mistake, but I also came back, just as you did. Do you even want to know what I came back to say?”
More silence filled the room as Ed avoided his eyes. Instead making good to analyze how much the room had been changed since the last time he'd stumbled through it in a drunken haze. Stede brushed off Ed playing at ignoring him. It didn't feel good, but he still wanted to say his piece.
“I wanted to tell you how sorry I am that I wasn’t there. Because I am full of oceans of sorry that I failed to be at the dock. And it burns my heart that I’m sorry to you right now... with what you did and how angry it makes me, it hurts to be sorry to you. But I am. I am sorry and I want you to know that. Because I should've been there. I meant to be there and you deserved to have someone be there for you. But I wasn’t. I failed you and your trust. I acknowledge that with no denial of my responsibility for hurting you. I feel the ache deep in my heart that I did that to you.“
“Good,” Ed said. A grating, deep voice as he turned to look Stede right in the eye and commanded him,” Ache.”
He couldn't believe him. Not enough to fall for a couple I'm sorry's all the while his wrists were bound. He'd been naive to think they could've just moved past everything. It was only going to end one way. And with Stede in charge of The Revenge and its crew, it was hard to be confused about which way it was likely to go.
Ed already figured he was a dead man when he got back to his ship and it was taken over. Instead of being able to go about all of it on his playing field, he was doomed. Fate would befall him however it would. And getting hopeful or drummed up on all the feelings of it seemed like a worser way to wait for the end.
“Fine.” Stede sighed,” If you don’t want to talk about what you did and you don’t want to hear my apologies, what do you want to hear?”
If Ed was going to die that night, he might as well bargain for the one piece of closure he'd been after since the beginning.
“I want to know why.”
“Why what?” he asked.
“WHY WASN’T I GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!” Ed let the scream rip out of him. Hot, furious tears built back up on his lashes as all of it unraveled and fell right out of him. “I was fine with it! WITH ALL OF IT! I didn't even care about serving the crown and destroying my reputation. I made peace with it and whatever would become of us. As long as we were together, I reasoned ten years couldn’t be that bad! I thought we could be decisively and stubbornly happy through it all!” He shuddered,” But you wanted an out! You expected me to find an out! And so, for you, for us, I made one. I made an out for us! AND YOU DIDN’T WANT IT! DIDN’T WANT TO TAKE IT WITH ME! And now? Now you say you’re sorry? You’re sorry that you weren’t there?! I was so sure I did everything right, and still, you left me! So, why? WHY WASN’T IT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!”
It was almost like Ed was pleading with him. But there was so much wrath in the undercurrent of it.
Stede first moved to try again and convince him,“ I am sorry, Ed-”
“I don’t believe you. And even if I did, I don’t care.”
“It was never about you.” he tried to explain.
Ed scoffed,“ Course it wasn’t. It was all about you. Always about you.”
Stede felt like they were at an impasse. Even by asking Ed directly what of it he wanted to hear, he didn't want to listen. He was stuck in being angry. And as much as Stede wanted to understand it and give him lenience, he couldn't stand the thought of waiting.
Of waiting for Ed to want to hear it. It felt like wasted time and he was tired of all the hours wasted being apart. The years wasted before they met in the first place.
So Stede got slightly snippy.
“Alright, let's talk about me then.” he offered. “How about we visit where I was at that moment when I wasn’t there for you? Provide a little context? We both know what you were up to, you've said your piece about that. Seems it's my turn. Don’t you want to hear it?”
Ed only wretched on a pinched grin with a “hm” sort of pithy remark. “Not that I’ve got much choice other than to hear it,” he said, raising his hands back into view,” Guess I ought to.”
“Yeah, you ought to. And no, I’m not giving you a choice here. Because there is a side to it that you weren’t there for. There is my side. And I was alone in it too.” Stede crossed his arms. Trying to tuck into himself as he reflected upon the memory he had of that night.
Ed nearly rolled his eyes,“ And what did you have to be alone through?” Certainly, whatever Stede had to say couldn't really compete with Ed's hours of languishing on that pier. Waiting to be caught by Navymen as he wrestled with himself. That fresh new feeling of being in love wilting with each second as he came to the truth of his abandonment.
But then, Stede spoke through gritted teeth. The kind of burning remembrance that quickly made him misty-eyed as he tried to get out only one sentence. The sentence that tasted so sour in his mouth he'd almost wonder if it bled.
“I was alone through Chauncey,” he quickly said.
Which had to have been one of the last things Ed could've expected to hear.
“Chauncey Badminton. He snuck back into the barracks, drunk, and woke me up with his gun to my cheek. So I wasn’t really in the position to object as he walked me into the forest with it aimed at my back. He meant to kill me before the morning’s first light. Said as much as I tried to talk sense into him, all the while he talked nonsense into me. And he would've had me. Only by chance did he shoot himself and I walked away.” Stede huffed as the phrase sank into him again. Fearful tears that brimmed his eyes gave away, and he instead felt a deep disappointment. “I walked away... I walked away, and not just from him, but from you too... and I am sorry for that. You’ve right to be mad at me, just as I’ve right to be mad at you. But you don’t get to just decide that I was being selfish. Or that I left because I wanted to hurt you. Not when that was the last thing I was trying to do.”
Ed was trying not to get swept away with it. Even so, he asked,“ And what does that fucking mean?”
“It means…” he sunk down, retrieving the line Chauncey'd first said that he thought summed it all up the best,“ Stede Bonnet is not a human.”
“What?” Ed wasn't following, and really, he couldn't have been expected to.
Stede looked back up and caught his gaze,“ That’s what he told me. When he brought me out there, he drilled into me everything I’ve ruined. His brother, my wife and children- he just listed them out for me, like my festering malice was the most obvious thing he’d ever seen. Like everyone was staring at it, all the time. And he looked at me, with eyes matching the first man I ever killed; someone I didn’t even mean to really hurt, and yet with my own hands I... He looked at me with those eyes that already haunted me, and in them, I saw how much he hated me. He believed every word of it. That I was not a man, but a monster in a smaller shape. A curse so vile it corrupts everything good it touches, even without intent. And he was so sure of it. He made me sure.”
Stede's expression softened as he took in Ed's face and told him,“ And at the end of it all… you."
"Me?"
"He invoked you.” Stede said it with so much defeat,” Told me I'd “brought history’s greatest pirate to ruin”... I can still hear that line swimming around in my head, it doesn’t stop. He had been right about so much, I broke so much. And then there you were. You’d already begun changing. New clothes, no beard, no ship.” His voice cracked,” And still you were so close and so unguarded from me and all the hurt that I bring. So, of course, it had to be true… that I'd broken you and would continue to do so or worse until there was nothing left.”
“You thought I was broken? When I was finally feeling safe and good… When I became soft, happy, and more like myself than I’ve ever been brave enough to be…” His voice kept failing him. Fading away as he sucked in a breath and tried to blink away a tear.
“You looked at me like I was ruined?” he eventually asked,” You thought I looked broken then?”
Stede was quick to deny it.
“No! Never. I loved watching you open up into Edward, rather than having to be Blackbeard all the time. I didn’t think I’d ruined you in that sense. But,” he hoped he could explain it clearly,” if I’m so terrible and after meeting me you began to change - and if after meeting me you lost Izzy, Jack, your reputation, your freedom - if I stole those precious things from you, then I was infecting your life. And even further, if my luck with Badmintons were to continue onto you?” Stede asked him to consider. “I killed them both despite having no want to. If I were to- I could have been the cause of your death- I could have taken your life “by accident.” Like that even excuses it. And I really didn’t want that. Above everything else, I didn’t want to do that. To be the end of you. He told me that I defiled beautiful things and I believed him.”
Ed tried to dismiss the concern,“ As if I’m some beautiful thing-”
“You are.” Stede maintained anyway. “In every way, you are the most beautiful thing I was ever blessed enough to care for. But he made me so sure that I would devastate you. I couldn’t bear the thought. It terrified me to my bones, that I could destroy you with my horror.” He motioned pitifully to himself,” And I'm a coward. When I get scared I run, so I ran. But I was not trying to be so selfish as to disregard you in favor of myself. I now know I was wrong and foolish to have fallen for his taunts the way I did, but it was the most honest sacrifice I have ever tried to make. I just wanted to be selfless for once in my life. I thought I could survive giving you up if it meant you’d be better off without me.”
Ed was starting to forget where they were. How they sat across from one another and had entered the conversation in such opposition. Because he could see it Stede's way. He was at least starting to.
So he went on asking to know more of how he'd seen it,“ How could you even think that?”
“He reminded me of all the things I’ve carelessly destroyed since I came on the water. I never noticed myself breaking so much before I left my home, so I guess I thought I needed to go back and be with my family rather than curse everyone I loved on the sea. Like it was the reality I was fated to, I just had to accept it. So, I went home. But it wasn’t my home anymore.” He described,” It never really was, if I’m honest. And then I found out that Mary and the kids, they were the ones better off with me gone. I didn’t really work there and I was so lost and confused and alone. They all suffered my company, and I suffered the very ground under my feet. It was only after Mary tried to kill me that she helped me figure things out. She encouraged me to get back out here and fix what I’d really stuffed up, and she helped me put together the plan to do so.”
For a split second, Ed's mouth quirked into a genuine smile. “A good fuckery,” he knew they called it. Such a delightful thing.
Stede grinned in turn. Joking that,“ It was quite a fair improvement than our show for the Dutch, I promise. More believable.” Which Ed already knew, he'd believed it of course. The tale having passed through dozens of hands who also believed it, gave it good credit.
He still continued to recount it, unaware of how familiar Ed already was with what must've happened around that time,“ I faked my death and came back out here. Luckily, I happened upon the same sandbar a talent show was waiting on before they started eating one another. We sailed to Dominica and stole better passage before we'd hunted down The Revenge by the clues my men had eavesdropped. Found Lucius with a whole other gang of pirates, weird enough that I'm sure you might like them yourself. But by the time we got all of it back, you’d left. Then we were just waiting here for you to come back.” Stede looked deep into his eyes,” I’m still waiting for you to come back, Ed. Wherever you are right now isn’t right. And I don't know what I can do to bring you back, but I'm here. And I’m going to try.”
He'd softened while Stede had spoken. Heard all the parts of his journey he deemed fit to share, and he could see it play out in his mind's eye like a tragic play. A heartbreaking thing when a man's been crumbled to bits and had to completely put himself back together again. And he believed it.
He'd decided when Stede asked him “What happened?” that he wouldn't believe a single word he said. He was just another rich boy who wanted to make a Yes Man out of him. He just wanted an apology he could tack onto his list of accomplishments. So he could walk back on out there, before his men, and declare himself undefeated. As he'd bested the most devilish pirate into forfeit.
But that wasn't it. It was so much more complicated than that.
He was going to try? To try and get back to the days when they woke up wearing smiles and snickered over morning teas with so much sugar. To hold Ed's hand as he climbed out from the cold dark he'd relinquished himself to…
“Why?” Ed asked.
It was so much trouble. Stede didn't have to be bothered with it. He could've already killed him or asked a member of his crew to do it. Instead, he was betting a sunken investment to try and bring it all back. He didn't have to put in that much work.
“Because…” he wondered how best to put it,” I’m choosing to be selfish here. I’m not letting go this time. I will bring you back because I’m choosing not to make myself live without you anymore.”
Selfish? He'd describe helping a man dig himself out of painful desperation as a selfish wish? Simply because that man might be there with him afterward?
“What if wherever I am is gone? And this is all that’s left?” he thumped his fists into his chest, over his heart,” What if there’s only the Kraken in this body now?”
And Stede smiled easily. “I know that’s not true.”
And he reached forward, bringing up his small knife with the golden bezel, and pulled Ed's hands away from him as he cut the bindings off of him. ”I know that performance you make yourself do, it isn’t you.” he spoke so surely.
“Do you know I was told the most wonderful story about things on The Revenge while I was gone? Before everything went wrong, of course. I was told that, after a few worrisome days, you came onto the deck with a song you’d worked on with Lucius and Frenchie. And then Buttons sang his piece of “pure tone.” And then you proposed a talent show. And that’s just the most darling thing I’ve ever heard, and it’s so like you. To find something fun and new to do with the people who care about you? Something that would make them all feel good about themselves? There's a lot of Edward Teach there."
Ed shook his head,“ That can’t be enough.” His fingers soothed the skin that was just made free of rope, though there wasn't much irritation to abate.
And still, Stede just smiled. He looked so serene and settled in himself. The first time he'd ever looked so convinced of anything.
"And because,” he started,” Even as you were clearing The Revenge out, you left the auxiliary closet untouched."
Ed felt a certain embarrassing exposure to that particular thing having been found.
But that wasn't all. "And because you left this behind,” Stede also said.
He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled from it that little bit of red silk. And he held it out for Edward. When the man's eyes caught on the deep color, they widened, and tears built back up as he carefully took the special piece so gently between his fingers. Not even tugging them from Stede's, it didn't even require that much effort. It seemed to slip right along like it was returning home to his hands. His lips quivered as he tucked it in close to his chest. Right over his heart.
"So I know you're still in there." Ed dared to look back into Stede's eyes again as he spoke," Because you wanted to do a talent show just a day before all the dark settled in. Because you protected the secret wardrobe we shared and hid away gentle things of ours. Because you didn't think you could keep this as you gave yourself back to your old ways. I know something happened. I don’t know what he did to you, but I know Izzy did something. I’m not going to let you waste precious time not being yourself. I’m not going to let him steal your life from you because you’re scared right now.”
Ed broke the connection with Stede's soft brown eyes and looked back down at the silk he clutched in his hands. And he slowly lifted it higher, bringing it to his neck so he could feel its softness without staining it with the leftover black on his face. Took comfort in the small, delicate little scrap. In the memory he held of the two of them under moonlight.
He didn't make himself meet Stede's gaze, but he whispered,“ He said he’d kill me…”
Stede instantly felt his blood run cold.
“What?”
“He said he should’ve let the English kill me already. Because I was pathetic as I was. Weak. And then he told me “Edward better watch his fuckin’ step.” Because Edward wasn’t Blackbeard, and Edward didn’t deserve anything good, not even his life. Not at the exchange of everything Blackbeard offered.”
“No.” Stede stood up and started striding towards the door. Heavy footsteps spoke to an unsaid, but obvious, fury.
Ed stood up off the edge of the mattress. Not running after him, he was still getting back to his legs, but he called,“ Where are you going? What happened to us talking?”
“We can talk later.” Stede offered, getting to the cabin door as he told him,” Right now I need to tell the crew to finish the mutiny they tried to enact weeks ago.”
And in a surprising turn of events, Ed said,“ No.”
“No? He said such awful things to you and you want to just allow him to-”
“I don’t! I don’t want to allow him to do anything.” Ed explained,” But I don’t want you to just lash out at him either. I don’t know what to do with him, but right now we’re talking. About me. This is my time and we’re talking. You don't get to walk away while it's my turn.”
And Stede was infuriated. He wanted to throw all of his rage onto Israel Hands's shoulders. Wanted to watch him buckle under the weight of it as they threw him overboard and watched him sink.
But Ed was talking. And Ed wanted him to listen.
So he could not run off to the lonely corner of the lower deck to deal with a pest they'd likely be far better off without. Instead, he'd stay right there in the captain's quarters. He walked back to the cushioned chair in front of the bed and agreed,“ Alright. You’re right. Please, continue.” He sat back down and watched Ed do the same.
They were going to see themselves through together. Before anything else.
Ed continued, his thumbs rubbing little circles into the fabric as he pushed himself through it,“ Izzy just- he set me off. Suddenly my heart was thundering, and my hands were shaking, and it felt like everyone was looking at me like that. Like they hated what they saw, and thought it pathetic, laughable. And I was back at the dinner party. Everyone was watching, waiting for my mistake so they could jump on it and sneer at their neighbor about my embarrassment. So when the crew called for me, wanting me to come back on deck for the talent show, it suddenly changed and I felt like an animal on display being made to dance for their laughter. Like it was all a joke I couldn’t read. And then I was in the haze of Blackbeard again.”
“It was like muscle memory. Like I barely had to even think of what I needed to do and it was done.” Ed walked through each step of it in the way it washed over him in those days,” Lucius witnessed me at my weakest, so he had to go. Izzy disrespected me, so I had to remind him who was in charge. You hurt me, so I removed every object of your memory from view. Your crew was something of yours, so they had to go too. It all just happened one after another so fast that I barely felt it happen. I barely felt the guilt.”
One hand dropped from where he held the silk. It pressed deep into the mattress with tightly clenched fingers as he sunk down,“ Until nighttime. Every time the sun went down and I tried to sleep in your bed, everything slowed down. It slowed down so much that it felt like I finally opened my eyes and saw the wreckage of all the terrible things I did while sleepwalking as Blackbeard. And it was all slamming into me until I couldn't breathe anymore. I wanted to avoid that more than anything, it was hardly a surprise when the ship ran out of booze and we had to resupply.” But Ed's last sentence stuck out,” And I lasted longer than I thought I would anyway.”
Stede's head fell just an inch to the side,“ What does that mean?”
“Well I tried to get rid of everything of yours, but I kept the two of them: Jim and Frenchie.” Ed first explained.
And, yes, that was a question they'd often pondered. Why those two? Why keep them for the “new crew” and no one else? Argue all you like about tactics, but Frenchie wasn't a shockingly gifted fighter and to throw away a medic didn't seem like a decision most captains might make in such circumstances.
“I needed the musician, particularly for a sewing job he’d been said to have skill for. My new flag. But the assassin? It wasn't just for general use. I kept them for a specific job befitting their own proficiency. Figured they would’ve gotten it done by now after I’d made it quite clear they were a hostage and that their boyfriend wasn’t coming back.”
And that just said it all without saying exactly anything.
“No…” Stede caught his meaning quickly,” Ed- You didn’t want-”
“Yeah, I did. I was sure they’d have snuck into the captain’s quarters by the end of the first week and would’ve been done with it. Knife to the throat, into the heart, through the eye, up the gut, wherever would’ve gotten the job done. I was sure they could choose. I didn't exactly have a preference. And I thought I’d have done enough to make them want to do it- to need to do it.” Ed deflated,” But they never did. That itself was disappointing enough. So I changed courses. I thought if I had to keep going on, at least I should do something. I should have a goal.”
It all broke Stede's heart to hear, but he followed along.
“The only one that made sense would’ve been to hunt you down and kill you for what you did to me. Course, then I found out you’d died on the mainland. Mauled and run over and crushed. And I bought it. So I couldn't even get my vengeance against you. Now, what was left for me? To just move on? To pretend like the entirety of Stede Bonnet didn’t even happen to me? Just go back to my crew and keep pirating like always, day in and day out, like I wasn’t already so sick of it all years ago? I couldn’t do that. I tried that for weeks hoping to feel something and I never did. So I left them all behind and got on my boat and rowed out on my own to…”
The sharp reminder of what he was off doing jumped back into his mind. And he quickly feared, what if Stede couldn't forgive that ? He ran off to kill Mary because it was all he had left. What if all the talking they'd done was worthless once he found out?
He quickly described his recent journey in a much more innocuous manner. “To take care of other feelings I was being swallowed up in.” It was vague enough being put like that.
“Ed…” Stede’s hands began to reach for his, but he hesitated. First asking,” May I touch you?”
Edward gave a small nod and Stede closed the distance to take Edward’s hands into his. Two pairs wrapped around that red silk. His thumbs ran gentle circles into the backs of Ed’s hands as he tried to find anything to say.
He was reminded of how he agreed with Chauncey as the madman readied to kill him. How he'd given himself over to his demise because it'd honestly seemed like the best solution at the time. It seemed that they'd both fretted a little too close to something of a suicide recently. Stede’s felt nearly logical to him when he was in the moment, but to ponder such a thing happening to Ed? That nearly split his heart in two right here.
“I know that a lot of this is my fault. I accept that. I honestly do.” Stede expressed. “I messed up to an incredible degree that night. I just need you to know that I wasn’t trying to do any of this to you. I only ever wanted you to be fine through all this. To survive me. I just wanted you to escape the cursed whirlpool of Stede Bonnet without being dragged in.”
Tears built up in his own eyes. He sniffled to draw them back when Ed quietly said,” You never felt like a curse to me.”
Ed looked at their hands together,“ I know I messed up too… I did love them. Our crew. They’re incredible in a hundred ways that pirates have never been. The days we had as their co-captains were some of the best I ever lived. And they nearly saved me when I was at my most hurt. I did love them. I didn’t do what I did because I didn’t love them. I did what I did because... I didn't know what else to do. I couldn’t figure any other way to continue.”
Stede ran away because he didn’t know what else to do, and Ed returned to old personas in the same way. As a last resort. As someone all alone, struggling in the current of so much else, doing whatever they could just to keep their heads above water.
But, they didn't have to keep on like that.
“You know, it doesn’t have to be all one way or the other. It doesn’t have to be all my fault or all your fault…” Stede broached,” We could share the responsibility of what happened.”
And, truth be told, that was something Ed had never considered before.
In every other fight in his life - the ones he played a part in as well as the ones he only witnessed - he only ever saw people doing whatever it took to make sure they weren't to blame. To make sure they came out on top of their accusers. He only ever knew people willing to break one another, cross lines they'd promised to respect, and destroy anything in the way as collateral damage, all to prove they were right. To prove they deserved the apology.
But was that true? Was it an option to do it another way? Can two people really accept that they were both a little bit wrong and a little bit right, and everything that happened falls onto both of their backs?
“We could?” he asked.
“We could.” Stede softened, and a thought came to him that caused his lips to quirk up into another small smile,” It’s a little funny. Before I left, Mary told me that she and I only ever hurt one another and that we couldn’t seem to stop no matter what we tried. She was right, it’s probably why we could never make it work.”
Ed worried,“ Are you saying that we…?”
“No! That’s the difference. We never hurt each other before. When we were side-by-side, we had such good times, something Mary and I never got. The two of us don’t just hurt each other. But we got stuck. And we were cornered, alone. We got separated and things went wrong. When Mary and I separated, our lives got better. But, if you'll agree, I think that we need to not leave each other anymore.”
“Are you serious?”
Stede felt it in his bones that, by being together, they could help and be helped by one another.
They both had so many scars from their lives before they found each other, but every time they were together, it seemed like they were able to heal just a little bit of it. Like, through one another, they were working themselves out. Giving the other what they have always longed for and needed, and getting exactly the same in return. It somehow just worked. Perfectly.
There was so much more they needed to address, so much history they hadn't had the chance to explore, and current obstacles like the man trapped in their ballroom to deal with. But if they had each other, maybe they could make it out to the other side better than they were when they went in.
“We’ve barely got to know one another as is. But the entire time we spent together, I've only ever felt such impossibly profound joy. I’m still figuring you out. But, even after everything, I don’t want to live this life without you, Ed.” He carefully squeezed his hands tighter,” I am here to stay this time. I’m not going to be swayed by manic personifications of my own guilt. I've dealt with the things I held regret over, and I’m dealing with the pieces of me that were broken and needed fixing. And if there are pieces of you that you want help with, I’ll be right here.”
Ed whispered, voice low and quiet, on the edge of tears,“ Do you promise? I need you to promise you won’t leave me again.”
“I promise. With everything I have, with everything I am, I promise.”
And with that heartfelt assurance, Ed succumbed to it all. Practically melting into tears as his whole body gave away under him. As he parted Stede's hands that have been clasped around his, seeking to climb right in between them and lay himself in his arms. It felt like falling into place. Like a puzzle piece finding exactly where it belonged.
Ed was buried into Stede's shoulder. Saltwater trailed down his cheeks and into his white linen shirt as it all washed out of him. It'd been built up for so long, but finally, that pressure was relieved. And Stede had his arms wrapped so tightly around him that Ed would've not been able to escape the hold, had he even wanted to. He'd been desperate to keep him right there, safe and close.
“I really am sorry I was gone,” Stede whispered into the top of Ed's head.
“I know,” he said. Because he did know. He believed it. “And I’m really sorry I nearly-” his voice hitched as he tried to say he nearly killed their crew. It had been his regretful intention at the time. And he'd never been so thankful something he'd done hadn't gone to plan.
“I know. But nothing was done that we can’t undo. With time, we’ll get better. We’ll get past this.” Stede began to run a hand down Ed's back, from the crown of his hair, down the length of it, past the ends onto inked skin and over-worked muscle.
“You really promise you won’t leave again?” Ed had to ask. He believed him, but he had to ask.
And Stede held him tighter as he swore,“ I promise I won’t leave again.”
So, Ed could agree. Nodding against Stede, he said,“ We’ll get past this.”
“There’s one more thing I have to do, though.”
“Huh?” Ed asked as he pulled his face from where it’d become tucked into the crook of Stede’s neck.
But before he could ask much more than that, Stede had placed his hands on each side of Ed's face and pulled it up to meet his. Closing their eyes against each other, Stede was capturing the other man's lips in a kiss.
It was a soft kiss. Not the kind a pair might share as they were about to bed one another. It wasn't heavy or heated, nor could it be described as particularly messy. It was gentle. Careful. And so very sure. It felt like the only thing Stede had ever really been so sure about.
It was a little chaste. Ed could've argued they deserved to drag it on a little longer. But Stede separated them and blissfully looked into Ed's big, dark, perfectly brown eyes. And he felt all the goodness of the world as he said,” I need to tell you that I love you. “You make Stede happy” isn't really enough to say it. It never was. I didn't really know how much I was in love back then on the cliff. I'd never felt anything like what you make me feel. You brought love into my life, Ed. I'm sorry I missed it the first time. I'm sorry I almost let it pass us by. But, I know what it is now. And I am not letting it go.”
And like it was the only thing he'd ever wanted, Ed closed his eyes again and reconnected their lips. Moving his hands up from the top of Stede's chest to hold onto either side of his jaw. He breathed in deep as they just held each other together. The contentment was everything. It was almost silly how safe it all felt. Ed felt small and precious in Stede's hands. Like he himself was something good and fine to hold. The way that Izzy had made him feel was nearly a lost memory. It didn't matter anymore.
What he had with Stede, what he felt with him, it was real. It was what he'd been waiting his whole life for. The only treasure he'd care about taking with him on the other side, despite a whole career of piracy.
“I love you, too. Though, I’ve known it for a little while now.” Ed returned. And Stede laughed at him, getting his little jokes in and being first to the plate. But after the laugh, it was just him.
Him and the way his eyes lit up at the phrase. Ed decided at that moment that he would say it over and over again until the end of time to see it repeated. He wanted to memorize the way it looked so that even on the darkest night without a trace of light, he could still see it in his memory as clearly as it was before him. The way his smile curled up and his cheeks squished under Ed’s hands, how his wrinkles collected around those wondrous eyes in bags and crows feet that have never looked better before, the shinning bright irises, all warm brown with just a tiny halo of gray.
To just sit there together, to hold and be held and behold , it made so many weeks of pain and heartache just slip away. Like dirt being runoff with rain. Being cleaned of what they both thought were stains. They would be okay. They really would.
“Dear, we really ought to get you cleaned up, as well. You’ve got black streaking down your cheeks.” Stede mused, a soft thumb inching up his face to try and rub some away.
Ed, in turn, absentmindedly pulled from his pocket the handkerchief Mary had given him. It already had older marks of the black makeup on it, so he surely couldn’t ruin it with what was still on his face. He began to go at it, though it seemed without a reflection to work with, he wasn’t managing to get it off very well and kept smearing it around.
“Let me.” Stede offered, taking the cloth gently in hand, reaching over to the pot of water on the vanity, and bringing it back to warmly wipe the color away. Bit by bit he was uncovering Edward Teach from under the Kraken’s mask. “There you are,” he whispered in soft adorn before placing a kiss on his forehead.
Ed had never felt like a thing to be adored before. But the way Stede spoke to him, the way he looked at him, the way he held him, there isn’t any doubt in Ed's mind that he meant it. That it was true and could be trusted. Ed was beautiful. And good. And fine.
They share a smile and a beat of comfortable silence, just gazing upon one another’s faces with complete peace. One as hard fought as it was, was to be enjoyed. Then, as Stede was wringing the handkerchief between his fingers, he wondered,“ Hm? Ed, where’d you get this hanky? I don’t think I’d ever seen you carry one-”
“Oh no.”
He'd gotten so swept up in the high spirits of their reunion that he'd forgotten that part. Forgotten that he had yet to tell Stede about it. And all too suddenly he remembered his recent escapades to Barbados. He sat back up a little bit, and quickly blurted out,” Stede, we have to get Miss Mary Bonnet something really nice.”
And Stede looked at him with tender, and misunderstanding, awe.
“Well, That’s a sweet thought, Ed. Very sweet that you care about Mary’s fate, but I just relinquished my entire family’s wealth to her. She’ll be very well taken care of and comfortable. There’s nothing we could provide Mary with that she couldn’t acquire if her heart really longed for it.” he chuckled,” Honestly, she’d probably get it herself far more easily than we’d be able to-”
But Stede was missing the point.
“No, no, we really need to give her a good, proper gift.” Ed insisted.
“Ed, she’ll be fine. I promise she has a very sizable estate and will want for nothin-”
“Remember when you said how you struggled with Jack after I left? The whole “what makes him better than me” part? Well, I felt the same way about Mary. So when I thought you’d left me and died for her, I went to Bridgetown and I threatened to - well, fully intended to - kill her. And Doug. And I made a mess. And said some very rude things, too.”
Stede just stopped, like his brain had completely frozen over and wasn’t able to process what to think next. He just looked at him blankly. Lost and waiting for the next cue.
“So,” Edward led,” we have to give her something very, very nice. To thank her for not only righting the both of us but to apologize for… that moment we shared. Which was less than pleasant.”
Stede eventually found the power to nod in agreement. “Alright, we’ll find something really nice for her.”