Chapter Text
The silence was deafening as they both stared at eachother, as if they were trying to out-silence eachother. His eyes were so gentle, resting on her face, and she could feel her heart twitch. Stop it. He smiled a lipless smile and yet it was so friendly. It made her chest tingle in ways she hadn't felt in a long time. Stop this right now. His skin was scarred, melted from radiation and she wondered what it felt like under her fingers. Did it hurt as her scars did from time to time? Nate had a lot of scars. Don't do this. Some of them came from his military experience but there were a few that she had seen happen. He'd cut his finger when he made dinner the night she announced her pregnancy with Shaun. He burnt his leg at the family barbeque, her father had rushed to get him some ice and... ENOUGH.
She took a sharp breath and looked away to steady herself, feeling her bones shake already.
"Just a suit, means nothing important." A lie, a bold lie, but she hoped it would pass through. It didn't.
"Ah, ahah." He gestured to his hat. "Just a hat, holds no significance."
He seemed to notice that his attempt to lighten the mood had failed, his eyes going from heartwarming to heartbreaking.
"Hey, listen... If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. Just the way you bottle things up inside, it ain't healthy."
She stared at her hands in her lap, folded neatly for composure. In a way she agreed with him. This wasn't healthy and it was killing her but to expose such a part of her? She'd only told those who absolutely had to know, those few she trusted with the truth, but to tell him? With his soft eyes and handsome smile and... He reminded her too much about Nate and it was odd. They looked nothing alike, spoke nothing alike and yet Hancock was so familiar to her that she was almost surprised he didn't already know everything.
"I wasn't always a ghoul, y'know." he began. Startled she looked at him. His black eyes were fixed on his boots.
"You don't have to-..."
"Nah, I want to." He shot her a smile and she fell silent.
"Some years back I used to live in Diamond City with my brother. Left when he became mayor and decided to abandon half his people. He, uh... He shoved all the ghouls out the door and left them to die. Couldn't stay after that."
Silence filled the room for a moment and she wondered briefly if he'd appriciate her settling down next to him on the couch as a way to offer support but decided that she hadn't earned it. Huh, she thought. Here she was thinking he hadn't earned her trust while in truth she hadn't earned his. And yet he gave it to her so willingly. Nate was always so quick to trust peop- shut up, shut the fuck up.
"I tried to lead some of the folks to Goodneighbor, keep 'em safe but I just... I just couldn't live with it. Heard of a new chem on the street and decided to give it a go, hoping it would either make me feel better or kill me." His eyes were fixated on his boots, she thought she detected shame in his voice and she felt a stab of sorrow. She'd judged him wrong.
"Greatest high of my life and it turned me into... this" he said smiling, gesturing to his face. His eyes met hers and she nodded, encouraging him to continue.
"Thing was, Goodneighbor back then, was run by this asshole. Tortured and killed people however he saw fit with his goons and one night... one night they got a hold of a friend of mine, kicked him to death and I just... ran away to get high. To forget. Got so high I ended up someplace I ain't been before. Might've still been high but I looked up and saw this getup and it spoke to me. Told me what I had to do."
He paused and took a sip of water.
"Went back to Goodneighbor a new man and told people it wasn't right, that they deserved better. Got some folks armed and trained and when the time was right we went in there and wiped them out. Bastards never saw us coming. Hung Vic from the railing on the state house, told people they were free. That Goodneighbor was 'of the people, for the people'. And here we are."
He flashed her a wide grin and took another sip of water.
"Oh." she spoke softly. The silence was heavy as she searched for the right words to say. "So no real significance tied to the hat then?"
He laughed and there was a spark in his eye. Somehow it made her proud and she considered what he'd told her. He wasn't as old as her which left a bitter taste in her mouth, but he was a good man, a man who got his hands dirty to help others and it made her feel... Not pride, no, she didn't know him enough for that to be prominent but something else. Comfort? He certainly made her safe but this wasn't what she felt. Was it hope? She stared at him, uncomfortably so with her mouth ajar.
She wanted to tell him everything, it'd been decided long ago in her subconscious, he would understand. But all the words wanted to explode at the same time and there were so much to say, so many things she'd seen and experienced and things that only happened inside her mind that she wanted to let go of and he was sitting there, perfectly calm and ready for her to fall apart. No words could escape her mouth, her prison was secured too tightly to let prisoners out and the only clue of her inner turmoil was the tears that welled up in her eyes.
"Hey now..." he leaned forward just like Nate and was prepared to walk over and hold her, to rub her back and kiss her hair and make up cute little stories and fuck off, he's not Nate, Nate is dead, gone, buried in the vault. This is Hancock, not Nate why are you doing this?! She grasped her face to keep herself together because she was breaking at the seams, she could feel it. Her skin was falling off and her bones were dust and she had to run away before she dissapeared, she was going to fall through the cracks of the floor and join the rubble beneath them. A jerk in her legs made her stand up and she wanted to run JUST RUN, GO, HURRY, but she couldn't stop shaking. Hancock reached for her but she misstook his hands for bones and the dead were coming for her, coming to take her back to where she belonged. She was supposed to be dead, this wasn't her time, she wasn't supposed to be here.
"I'm not supposed to be here." she repeated and the questions in his eyes, those beautiful black fucking eyes told her that he wouldn't understand, she was wrong, no one would ever understand. She slapped away his extended hand and she wanted to scream until her throat was torn and her brain was numb just please stop. And run until she was at home where the grass was green and the flowers had colors please, where her mother sat in a garden with iced tea don't take me there and her father was mowing the lawn oh god please stop this and Nate and Shaun were playing with a ball I can't take any more...
Her mind went blank and the last thing she saw was Hancock rushing to catch her before her head slammed into the ground.
--
It was so strange to be back in Sanctuary Hills but so pleasant. The birds were chirpin outside and the unmistakeable sound of a car flew in through the open window. The air was warm and gentle, even for such a late autumn day and it released tension she didn't know she had.
"Good morning mum! Your coffee is ready."
Coffee. She sighed as she inhaled the scent of the roasted beans before gently placing her hands around the cup. So warm that it went through her palms and up her arms and as it begun to creep over her shoulders like a warm blanket she took a sip. Oh lord how she missed the taste of coffee.
She almost slammed the cup down on the counter when the sound of a weeping child disturbed her from deeper inside the house. Shaun? That's impossib- wait. Of course it's Shaun. Who else would it be?
"Are you alright, mum?"
The robot whirred closer to her and she smiled.
"I'm just fine, Codsworth. Thank you. Would you mind?"
"Not at all, mum! I'll see to the young master at once."
It'd been such a good idea to get the robot, they'd been so worried at first but it seemed to have worked out just fine. She returned to her coffee and flipped through a grognak comic.
I remember this one, didn't get to finish it before... before what? This was the newest edition, freshly arrived in the morning mail and she hadn't looked at it before now but why did it seem so familiar?
"Good morning, honey."
For a second the air felt like ice. She almost didn't turn around to face him, afraid of what she'd see. Afraid of what? Don't be stupid. A hand weighed heavy on her shoulder and she spun around to face him. Nate. Oh handsome, beautiful Nate.
He placed a kiss on her cheek and grabbed the comic from the counter and there was joy in his eyes as he eyed the comic. God, he was such a nerd. A loose strand of his hair was secured behind his ear as he waltzed over to the couch with the comic in hand.
"So hey listen, I was thinking we could go to the park this afternoon, what do you say?"
The park? She still had the decorations to put up but it sounded nice, they could do both. They rarely ever had time to go anymore and it would be a nice chang- wait.
The air froze around her as she realized where she was, when she was. How could this happen? In a minute there would be a knock on the door, vault-tec, and when they left Shaun would cry again and Codsworth would ask her to... And then the TV would say... not again. I can't do this again.
Somehow Nate had gotten up and stood next to her, cupping her face in his hands. Tears were falling from her eyes, coating his hands as he forced her to face him, forced her to look into his beautiful brown eyes.
"Nate..."
"It's okay, honey. It's all going to be okay."
"No, you don't understand. Nate we need to run, we need to get Shaun and run. We have to hurry away." The tears were clouding her vision but he was still there, he was still holding her, placing a soft kiss on her forehead.
"It's gonna be okay. If you let go, it'll be okay."
Why was he saying that? He didn't do this before. Why was it changing?
Suddenly the ground shook and everything went silent. His lips still mouthed the words but she heard nothing until the bright light illuminated everything in a screeching white flash and a boom went off in the distance.
"I love you."
When the light faded away and her eyes regained their vision she was standing in the ruins of her home and Nate was gone. Dust whirled in the air around her and it was so cold compared to the nice heat of earlier. A deafening silence surrounded her, a crushing lonliness, and yet the pain wasn't smothering her like ash in her lungs. It wasn't the first time she dreamt this although it was the first time it ended like that. It was the first time Nate told her to let go.
In the rubble of her home after watching the ghost of her husband speak to her she realized what he'd been saying. After all the nightmare-filled daydreams and all the breaths stolen by the memory of his death, after all the times she'd cried herself to sleep, whispering his name like a lullaby... It was time to let go. She wanted to let him go, to let him rest in peace instead of forcing him to live in her thoughts like a zombie. He'd been telling her goodbye.
--
It was warm when she woke up and she noticed she was wrapped in a blanket. There'd been no blankets around before the sleep took over and she realized that one of the cushions were torn apart and draped around her. She shifted under the heat, comforted by it but now sweating, and she tried to sit up but ultimately decided to remain still. It was too nice.
"Hey there, you alright?" he asked her, touching her forehead with his smooth cold hand. The cool touch made her shiver but she leaned into it.
"I'm fine." she mumbled against the blanket and he snorted.
"You said that before, somehow I don't believe it."
Her left hand escaped the heat and reached for his, weaving his fingers with hers. Rip the bandaid off, she thought. The dust around them shifted as he sat down on the floor next to her head, squeezing her hand with his. He wanted to know, she wanted to tell him and it was time to let go. Rip it off.
"I'm from a vault." she whispered and for a second she was worried that he hadn't heard her. "Vault 111." He remained silent but stroke the back of her hand with his thumb. She continued to speak.
"They froze us, right after the bombs hit. I remember the light as they exploded, they shook the ground and everyone got quiet. Sent us down the elevator just in time. Nate held Shaun and I thought I was lucky, we were safe together but then we... but then they told us to put on the suits and sit in the chamber."
The all too familiar tears were seeping down her face but instead of the usual panic she felt eerily calm. This was how Nate would live on. Not in the dark corners of her mind, spewing anxiety at the mere mention but in the stories she'd share with people.
"They said it was to depressurize us or some crap like that, said it was gonna help us. And then it all got so cold and I couldn't move. Until suddenly I could but something was wrong. There was a man and a woman outside the chambers and they stopped outside Nate and Shaun and they, they just uh..."
Hancock searched for her eyes with his own black gaze and she could see the universe in them. It gave her strength in ways she never expected and she pressed on.
"They took my baby and shot my husband and then those bastards put me back on ice. Left me on standby for 200 fucking years until I was released from it. And then I... Then I got out and I..."
He pressed a cold hand to her cheek, softly comforting her and she wanted him to hold her.
"I got out and everything was broken. I tried to find Shaun, to bring him home but I was too late."
The air was quiet and still in the lobby and while she was still crying over the loss of her family, the anxiety didn't tear at her with its iron grip. She knew it would come back eventually, it always did. But maybe when she said her goodbyes, maybe when she finally allowed herself to escape the sinking ship, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad.
After a long silence he spoke.
"I... I'm really sorry. I can't even imagine the pain."
His eyes looked so sweet and for maybe the first time she wasn't afraid to peer into them. He'd opened up to her and she to him, there was nothing left to hide between them. Those beautiful black eyes. If there was suddenly a constellation in them she wouldn't be surprised.
"What? I got something on my face?"
They shared a small smile.
"Why did you come after me?" she asked him. While she knew Hancock was a good man who would easily make sure his people were taken care off, she wasn't one of his people. And he wouldn't have chased them down like he had her.
"I told ya, just wanted to-"
"No, I mean, really?"
The tears had begun to dry on her face and the heat began to annoy her. She sat up and rolled the blanket off of her, feeling refreshed in the cool air. He sighed and pulled himself up from the floor, brushing the dust off his coat.
"A month ago you steamrolled your way into Goodneighbor. Went straight for the den with that detective of yours and I tell ya, there was fire in your eyes. Could've burned a man alive with a glance. Then I hear rumors of you killing that Kellog, the institute hitman and what not. Not just anybody can do that."
A faint rose spread across her cheeks. Rumors were the food of the commonwealth but hearing there were rumors about her, good rumors, was still new to her.
"Then last night I find you at the bar, getting drunk as drunk can get. Couldn't understand why a force like you'd need to drink yourself away like that. But now I guess... I guess the past catches up to anyone, no matter how tough they are."
She appriciated his kindness and was tempted to hold his hand again but decided that it wasn't appropriate.
"I see a lot of myself in you, y'know. Only I use chems for running away."
"Maybe we can both stop running, keep eachother on track?"
She wasn't sure why she suggested it or why his eyes gleamed after she said it but she enjoyed the idea of spending more time with him. It'd been such a long time since she'd had a friend by her side and somehow the anxiety didn't have room to breathe around him. He sat down next to her, in the warmth of where her head had been resting and rested his arm on her shoulders.
"The handsome ghoul mayor and the tough human vaultdweller, tearing through the wasteland side by side? Sounds like my kinda freakshow."