Chapter Text
"…and remember, if all your players are new, it doesn't matter how good of a DM you are, you will be the best they ever had…"
Well at least Kaidou is making it easy for me.
Saiki was laying on the sofa at his house, flipping through the notes Kaidou made for him. That’s some of the most boring writing I ever saw- cliché start, boring ending, easy fights, shallow puzzles- you name it; it's here.
The notes mentioned that Kaidou stole it from some guy online. Whoever it is I owe them bigtime. I don’t need to change anything; I can just run the session word for word, and it would be more than enough to accomplish my goal.
His mother walked up to him from the kitchen. "hey Ku! Don’t you have that game with your friends today? Kokomi mentioned it when you two had your date the other day~" 'I do hope you are not planning to bail out on your friends, are you Kusuo?'
"I was just leaving mom"
Saiki hesitated a moment before teleporting.
"and it was not a date!"
--
"…you meet in a tavern…" Saiki tried not to cringe as he read aloud from the note in front of him. "the large forests of Vaden are known for their ruins, left by ancient civilization, the many monsters that infest them and, of course, their treasures. For this reason, the forests attract many adventurers, most of them not unlike those sitting around a table right now."
Saiki paused as he took a bite from his coffee jelly and scanned the players at the table well I was going to skip the next part but Kaidou did get me a jelly. He turned his head to face him.
"oh you want me to introduce my character?" Kaidou tried to hide his nervousness with a smile as Saiki nodded. 'well it makes sense he would go to me first. Good thing I am prepared.' "Yes of course."
Kaidou took a quick glance at his notes and flashed a confident smile "well, what you see sitting in front of you is an elf with dark-purple skin, wearing a gray cloak. He has black hair that goes down to his neck and dark purple eyes, and he is holding a large wooden staff."
"Wow!" Chiyo gasped at the introduction.
seriously?
"And what is his name??"
Kaidou gave a small chuckle, flashed a dramatic stance and spoke with a deeper voice. " 'Well, my name is Jun Kaylan, also known as the walking death of magic…. it is an honor to make your acquaintance.' " did you just try to do an accent?
Well, anyway.
Saiki gestured toward the redhead Yumehara; you go next. I wonder how she will do, compared to Kaidou.
"Ah! Um uh y-yes" 'I didn’t really make a full introduction like Kaidou… well I'm sure I can come up with something,' Chiyo smiled, 'Maybe Kaidou will even help me with the game…'
please don’t start with your love fantasies again.
"Ok so my character is a wood elf druid... um she wears leather armor, and her name is Chieko Yuldrin."
Teruhashi gave her friend a wide smile, "That's so lovely… does she have a weapon?" 'That’s good, a druid's wild shape ability will give her a large health-pool to make up for Kaidou's glass-cannony class… maybe I can convince her to play a moon druid...’
I wouldn’t get so ahead of myself if I were you, Teruhashi, I don't plan the campaign to last that long. Saiki tried to ignore her thoughts as Chiyo answered.
"Ah yes! Yuldrin holds a small wand and she has a shortbow strapped to her back." A cliché, boring character, maybe I don’t appreciate you enough. now I want to avoid Teruhashi's thoughts for now so-
Nendo, what does your character look like? Saiki looked at him and waited and did Kaidou actually manage to get you to understand what roleplaying means?
After a few moments of silence Kaidou said "Nendo? I think Saiki wants you to introduce your character."
"huh? What are you talking about partner?" Ah, not surprising. before Saiki had time to respond Kaidou started shouting.
"come on man! Don’t you remember? We worked on him together...?" Kaidou turned to Saiki "we all helped him with the character. I convinced him to roll a goliath, it felt appropriate"
Teruhashi chimed in, "If I remember correctly, he is playing a fighter, as this class is the least mechanically challenging" 'and would let him close most of the holes in our non-combat abilities...'
"Don’t you remember Nendo? We worked on our character portraits together?" Chiyo said.
Nendo gave Chiyo a wide grin. "Ah yes!" He showed Saiki his character sheet with a smile. That looks like a gray blob with black pants and a hammer, still more than I expected.
"Yes partner! This is me! Nendo!" he said with his usual enthusiasm, "I don’t really get how that picture is me like chibi said, but I’m glad for my friend’s help!"
That’s great Nendo, and keeping the worst for last. Teruhashi, what about you? He waited for her to start.
Saiki tried not to acknowledge her for as long as he could, as her thoughts for the last few days were worse than ever, jumping between rules and numbers and statistics and how roleplaying is supposed to work. If I didn’t know her I would have said the game broke her, but she will probably return to her normal self soon. I think.
'ok Kokomi. You can do this. You are the perfect pretty girl and you can figure out how to be the perfect d&d player. Now eyes on the prize, put a soft smile on. It’s showtime.' No pressure.
"Well, I’m a human, around my twenties, I wear leather armor painted in blue and yellow, and have long braided black hair. If you looked you could see my short sword strapped to my belt and I’m holding a flute. My name is Kotone Terena and I’m excited to go on an adventure." Teruhashi gave the table her best innocent smile after she finished.
Well, I’m not surprised she chose to play a bard, all things considered. Now it’s my turn again.
Saiki waited a moment as he took another bite from his coffee jelly.
I will spare you readers and my players the suffering of enduring Kaidou's god-awful writing and run the game using visual and auditory illusions. You can thank me later.
Four adventurers are sitting around a table in a cozy room. Fire cracks in a small fireplace and a bard plays a tune on his lute in the corner. In front of them sits an old man who introduces himself as Quentin Gaaver, and he is in the middle of a story.
Saiki prepared himself for the next part. This is ridiculous, but I have to at least pretend that I’m trying. Saiki mentally changed his telepathic voice to sound like he was trying to sound older and doing a mediocre job.
" 'and there we were, me and my nephew not a day away into the forest, when we found it- in the middle of a clearing, an old structure of black marble, overgrown and ruined by time. Now me- I knew immediately-it must have been the old temple for the knights of light it was. They used to protect our city, centuries ago. Now me and the boy, we wanted to get into the temple, see if we could get some of the treasures inside of it- but we were jumped by goblins at the entrance! The forests 'round town been infested with the blasted things lately so me and the boy retreated back to town. Not unscathed tho' "
Quentin rubs his wounded hand as he paused for a second. " 'So I’ve been thinking, I could tell you where the old temple is. You deal with the monsters within, and we split the treasure between us. What do ya say?' "
Cliché beginning, check. Awkward introductions, check. Long, boring monologue, check.
Saiki let himself relax after the tiring monologue for a moment before he turned his attention to the players at the table and their thoughts.
It looked like Kaidou wanted to see if the others would start roleplaying before he joins in. good grief, why did you get me to play if you can't bring yourself to participate?
Yumehara wrote in her notes the name of their quest-giver, and the general point of the incoming adventure 'an ancient order of knights? That sounds interesting… I wonder what was their deal.' her thoughts lingered on the mystery and it didn’t look like she was about to do anything in-game yet. Nendo seems like he didn’t completely understand what he’s supposed to do, and Teruhashi- well that’s good.
"Terena looks at Quentin and smiles at him." Teruhashi looked at Saiki with the full force of her confidence. 'Good thing I brushed up my acting'
" 'me and my new acquaintances here would love to take your quest.' " Teruhashi's voice sounded a bit older, more mature, with a slight hint of a foreign accent.
'Good at acting, has the courage to speak in character voice first, AND I accepted the plot hook immediately- I’m probably Saiki’s favorite player already. I will hear him say offu before the game ends for sure'
Well, I can promise you that won’t happen, but thank you for driving the plot forward.
Before Saiki moved them to the next scene, Nendo started laughing. "Haha yes! Me and my buddies are going to slay all the monsters and take all the treasures for ourselves let’s go!"
Saiki hesitated for a moment and then smiled internally as he realized something. " 'What? How dare you back down from our agreement!? If you won't give me my cut, I won't guide you to the temple! Good luck finding your way without me!' " Quentin is clutching his bottle, ready to defend himself or run.
Yumehara blurted out, " 'Wait! He didn't really mean it! We wouldn’t dare betray someone like that!' "
Kaidou chimed in, " 'It's true. No ally of mine would do something as wretched as that.' " Kaidou leaned over to Nendo and whispered "And especially won't tell it to the quest giver"
Quentin eyes them wearily " ‘And how do I know I can trust you?' "
Teruhashi glared at Saiki 'Well he is worried we might try to extract the information from him, and with his wounded arm he does need the money. I can salvage this.' " 'You don’t need to be worried about this, after all we will only give you ten percent of what we find, which will leave more than enough for us to be satisfied' " 'Offering him a large cut should hopefully start to deescalate the situation.'
Hmm… Well, she is trying to convince a person of something..."Teruhashi, give me a persuasion check."
As if I don’t know what she is going to get; blessed by the gods, remember?
Teruhashi rolled a 20 sided die from the pile in the middle of the table and beamed.
"Natural 20"
--
The four adventurers are walking through the forest, following the instructions Quentin gave them on their way to the lost temple. The late afternoon sun shines through the trees and their footsteps crunch almost too loudly on the ground as the adventurers strain their ears to listen to a forest that feels just too quiet.
"Kaidou, you are the first in the marching order. Give me a perception check."
Kaidou reached for a die in the pile as Nendo said, "I bet the goblins are super smelly living in the forest like that. My momma always says they don’t have baths in the forest." Kaidou looked at him before he rolled "Actually that might not be a dumb idea. Hey Saiki, Kaylan stops walking for a moment and tries to see if he can detect anything that smells out-of-place."
"Interesting idea. I still require a perception check." Though I might give you a bonus for creativity. Even if it’s Nendo’s, you did manage to surprise me with it.
"I got… thirteen... is it enough?"
Good enough. "Just as you stop, the wind changes its direction and you catch a new smell not too far off, in the direction you are walking."
The smell is rotten and foul, not unlike spoiled meat.
"Kaylan hunkers down and whispers to the team 'Halt fellow adventurers! I detect foul beasts and I fear they might try to ambush us.' "
Teruhashi quickly said, "I hunker down as well. 'Where?' "
"I point to the direction the smell came from 'and I’m afraid they are not far.' "
"Yuldrin joins them and I say 'Maybe we can go around them? They block our path.' "
Teruhashi looked thoughtful. "maybe we can use a distraction? One person gets them to run one way and the rest push forward?" 'Although I’m not sure how we could regroup after that...'
"Actually," Kaidou said with a confidant grin, "we don’t need a person to do the distracting. We do have illusion magic on our side"
"That’s a great idea Kaidou!" Yumehara said, "But isn’t the only illusion magic we have right now minor illusion? Is it large enough for anything they would be interested in?"
Teruhashi looked at the spell in her notes "Yeah its only 5ft squared"
Kaidou thought for a moment "hey Saiki do gnomes and halflings live in this world? I’m pretty sure their height is only like 3 or 4ft tall"
---
The goblins jumped the two fake halflings- summoned by Kaidou's and Teruhashi's characters – and pursued them into the forest; Saiki then had the players all roll stealth checks to sneak behind them in the direction of the temple.
Well, Kaidou rolled terribly, but with Nendo's and Yumehara's decent rolls and Teruhashi's nineteen their average is probably high enough to pass as a group. Having less fights would probably also make the game more boring, so that’s good.
"You manage to make your way forward without alerting the distracted goblins." Chiyo relaxed visibly at that. As the adventurers moved forward the notice a clearing up ahead of them… The trees part to reveal a small, black marble structure. The structure is overgrown with vines and has visibly weathered with time. It has a small entrance with stairs leading down and two goblins sitting at the entrance, keeping watch.
Saiki leaned forward and placed a map prepared by Kaidou on the table, graph paper with scribbles on it to give the players a better lay of the land.
"Well..." Teruhashi said, "I don’t think a distraction would work on them. If they’re keeping watch, they won’t leave their post… We might need to fight them." 'As the perfect d&d player it’s important to not rush into fights by myself without their agreement, I'll need one of the others to initiate it…'
The others started to mumble in agreement as Nendo raised his head from his character sheet, which he presumably have been reading for the past few minutes, assuming he can read and said, "hey buddies, that’s so crazy I can talk to goblins! Hey goblins! Hello there!"
Saiki gave Kaidou a questioning look. He can do that?
Kaidou looked a bit sheepish "Well it’s one of the languages we chose for him… So, I guess so."
"…You walk up to the goblins and they hear you." They could probably hear you from a mile away with your shouting. The one on the left grips a rusted spear. " 'What do you want?' he hisses at you in goblin" Hisses at you in goblin? God this is dumb.
"A spear? Hahah that’s so lame! I could sell you my sword if you want! Only a hundred yen!"
Kaidou looked at Saiki "hey while this is happening can the rest of us sneak up behind the goblins around the temple?"
Saiki nodded. good thinking. "Ok, you three give me stealth checks. Nendo, to determine how well your distraction works give me a persuasion check to sell a sword. To a goblin. In the middle of the forest." This is absurd.
Teruhashi rolled. "Natural twenty." ok that’s it I should start messing with her rolls.
Yumehara "fifteen total"
Kaidou "twelve total"
Nendo "well seventeen minus one is nineteen!"
The three teenagers looked at him sheepishly for a few seconds.
Sure. Why not. Terena, Yuldrin and Kaylan make their way silently around the temple as the two converse in goblin. " Nendo, the goblin asks you 'What is yen? Don’t have that' and raises its spear." they are forest barbarians, after all.
Teruhashi looked at the map. "I motion to Kaylan to sneak from the west side of the temple while me and Yuldrin sneak from the east"
"How do you not know what yen is??? Well I guess I could trade my weapon for yours"
The goblin leans over to his companion and they whisper a few things to each other. Good grief, I have no idea what the goblin would do in this situation. It’s way too out of nowhere.
"Kaylan motions toward Nendo… uh I don’t know. General violence motion? And then points at the goblin and then I hold up three fingers, and start counting down" 'I hope he gets what I’m saying'
You know what? He rolled a sixteen what the hell. The first goblin walks back to Nendo. He gingerly hands over his spear and holds his other, empty hand up.
"Kaylan finishes counting down to zero and quickly throws an ice knife," Kaidou quickly said, 'Before the dumbass actually takes the trade' "and I aim it at the goblin in front of Nendo."
"Terena walks up to the goblin and I attack it with my sword." 'Better save my spells. I expect more fights inside'
"And I- uhh..." Yumehara panicly rifled through her spell sheet. "Ah! I cast thorn whip at him!"
"And I take the spear from his hands and ATTACK HIM WITH IT!"
That escalated quickly. "ok, everyone give me attack rolls against the goblins' armor class"
The players rolled their attacks. Kaidou missed his spell, but the ice knife’s aoe effect and Nendo's attack were enough to kill the first goblin. Kokomi managed to hit her foe, but Yumehara missed with her spell, so he survived the round with 2 health points.
Ok, my turn. "The goblin, on the verge of death, turns around and sprints down the stairs"
Teruhashi quickly rolled a dice. "He left my melee range! I have an attack of opportunity!" ok I think the little guy deserves to live a little longer. "Oh I rolled a nine. So a total of thirteen." 'Huh, I guess the dice can’t always be on my side'
Nendo waved and shouted "I run after him down the stairs! With my new weapon ready!" The other three followed suit behind him.
Nendo runs down the stairs and suddenly steps on a pressure plate, activating a trap , "roll a dexterity saving throw for me." Sorry to destroy your momentum.
"Total of seven!"
Saiki rolled some dice. "You take four points of piercing damage as darts fly at you from the wall, but you manage to keep running down the stairs. The rest of you avoid the pressure plate as you run after him"
--
"You throw the spear at the fleeing goblin. The weapon pierces the monster at his heart, killing him immediately."
“As the rest of you catch up behind him, the four of you take a moment to catch your breath."
They find themselves in a large room. The walls are covered in ancient paintings depicting battles from the distant past. Shelves are scattered around the room, and ahead of them, at the other end of the room, there is an opening with stairs, leading further down.
Perhaps they will take the treasure from this room and leave. They would certainly think the game is boring if they don’t get a chance for actual combat.
As the others started searching the room for treasure, Yumehara turned to Saiki. "Hey Saiki, are there any noteworthy scenes painted on the wall? also is there any writing on them?"
the murals depict an assortment of different scenes. One shows a woman fending off a dragon with a bow in a dark forest. Another is a man in armor charging on a mountain by himself. An elf wrestling a bear. A gnome defending a city from an approaching army. Every scene depicting a wild act of heroics or stupidity, every one of them is alone. "give me a perception check"
Yumehara got startled out of her daydreaming by Saiki’s last comment. "Ah! Yes…. Fifteen?" 'So it really was a temple of some legendary order. But the old man at the tavern said they protected the village and they were clearly much bigger than that. Did he lie to us? Or perhaps he didn’t know?'
I wouldn’t read too hard into that. "Another thing you notice all the murals have in common is that every one of the warriors carries somewhere on their body or in their hands a small coin, with a hole at its center. Another thing you notice is writing on the far wall, above the stairs leading further down. Do you speak celestial?"
Yumehara checked her character sheet and smiled "Yes I do!" 'The coins… Are they a membership token of some sort?'
Saiki handed her a note and she read it out loud to the group. "You are entering the last resting place of the order of light. Only ones who are among our ranks may enter the inner sanctum- pay your respect and leave."
"So it’s some kind of cemetery?" Teruhashi asked
"Weird they booby trapped a cemetery" Kaidou added. You are the one who prepared this adventure.
"It says the place is members only," Yumehara said, "it makes sense to trap it if you want to be the only one with access. That’s also probably why the people of the village think it’s just a temple." 'We should be careful on our way forward'
Teruhashi picked up her pencil. "Well anyway, Saiki, what did I find in my search? I think I’ll put it in my inventory and we can split it between us in the tavern later"
"Ok, mark one sack of coins you don’t recognize and around 50 gold pieces worth of gems." Saiki nodded at her. "You can also find non-magical weapons in the room, but you can probably take any you want before you move forward"
--
"The stairs don’t seem trapped on the way down, and you reach a large wooden door. It is slightly ajar."
Teruhashi leaned forward "I walk up to the door and look at the room beyond through the opening"
beyond the door is a large hall. It has a rotten carpet on the floor, and paintings are hung on the walls. Lit torches are hung on four large stone pillars in the corners of the room, A large statue stands on the opposite side of it. Saiki placed the figurines Kaidou gave him on the map. In the middle of the room two goblins are sitting next to a fire, towering above them is a large creature unrecognizable creature. Its skin is sickly white, its body is a bulk of muscle and two tusks stick out from his mouth. Saiki looked at the clock. I hope the battle won’t take too long.
" 'There are two goblins in the room. And a large creature I don’t recognize.' "
"Kaylan whispers 'I think our tactic should be to deal with the goblins first. There is strength in numbers after all.' "
" 'that sounds like a good idea' " Teruhashi smiled, 'and it would tilt the action economy in our favor' "Before we start, I give Yuldrin bardic inspiration with my flute"
Yumehara looked confused "What's that?"
"It gives you one dice you can add to any skill check or attack roll you want. It should make the fight easier for us."
" 'Well let’s go with the same plan as before,' " Kaidou said, " 'me and Nendo attack the one on the right and you two get the one on the left. You ready Nendo?' "
"Yes! Let’s kill more stuff!"
"Well then. I think it’s about time you roll initiative."
--
The battle started as planned. Kaylan shot another ice knife at the first goblin, damaging both of them with ice shards. Nendo then came in and crushed the goblin with his hammer, killing him.
" 'take that you foul beast! A taste of true magic! It’s your turn Nendo!' "
"HAHA we got him buddy!"
Terena rushed at the remaining goblin and removed his head with her sword.
" 'Give him all you've got Yuldrin!' "
" 'I got it!' "
Yuldrin ran up to the monster and raised her wand. A sudden wave of thunder erupted just call the spell its name hitting the creature and pushing him back.
The now furious creature charged up to Yuldrin and Terena and made a sweeping attack with his clawed hands. Terena managed to evade him but he got Yuldrin on her arm, leaving a large bloody wound there.
"I only have two health points left!" 'save me Kaidou!'
Kaylan then shot a fire bolt at the monster and missed. Nendo did manage to hit it, causing massive damage. Terena slowly walked behind the monster and started playing a slow healing tune at Yuldrin, and stopped the bleeding.
"Ok Yuldrin. It’s your turn. What do you do?"
"I cast thorn whip, and I use my inspiration…. Guys! I got natural twenty! That’s a critical hit isn’t it?"
"Total of fourteen damage!"
"Yuldrin, describe to me how you kill the monster."
Yuldrin jumped at the monster, and summoned a whip from her wand. With a quick move of her hand she wrapped it around the monster's head, and cut it off.
"The now headless body remains standing for a moment. And then topples to the ground."
--
"Good job with the monster Yumehara," Kaidou smiled at her
Yumehara blushed a little. "Thank you Kaidou… but it's only a game..." 'and I didn’t expect a game to be so exciting... I'm actually shaking from that.'
"Do we find anything interesting on the goblins' bodies?" Kaidou asked Saiki.
" I search the room for treasure!" Teruhashi stated.
As the two discovered a disappointing lack of treasure, Yumehara thought of an idea.
"Hey Saiki, I walk up to the statue, what does it look like?" 'It's supposed to be a cemetery but there are no tombs or sarcophaguses (sarcophagi?). It must go further down.'
She sees a large statue of a knight in armor, the knight is kneeling and is holding one arm forward, palm up.
'hmm...' "Hey Kokomi? Can I take a look at the sack of coins you found in the last room?"
"Sure thing. I hand the sack to Yuldrin."
"I look inside the sack, is there a coin that’s different?"
"Why yes, you find a coin that is different. It has a small hole in the middle of it, and small inscription in celestial."
"What does the inscription say?"
" ‘An adventurer’s path is lonesome, but you are not the only one' "
"I take the coin and place it on the palm of the statue's hand."
Yuldrin placed the coin on the statue's palm. A moment of quiet passed, and then they started hearing rumbling from behind the statue.
"Wow Chiyo, that was such a great idea!" Teruhashi beamed at her, "We go behind the statue, what do we see?"
The four adventurers approach the opening that appeared behind the statue. They see a small, quiet room, lined with sarcophaguses.
Yumehara spoke softly. "Are there names on the sarcophaguses?" 'Sarcophagi?' "Do I recognize any names?"
"There are names on the lids, give me a history check"
"fourteen"
"You do recognize some of the names, names of heroes of legend. Some famous, some less. From all over the world, you never heard that they were part of the same order."
And in the middle of the room there is one sarcophagus with an open lid. Inside it you see a skeleton holding a pristine wooden bow, covered in runes.
"I take the bow"
"As you do so you can feel the bow's magic at your fingertips." Saiki glanced at the clock 1:30 AM?? "and I think that’s enough d&d for today."
--
You could feel the tension leaving the table as the game ended. They actually expected the skeletons to fight them. Well, I don’t have time for this, sorry.
"Wow that was so much fun!" Yumehara breathed out. 'didn’t think a game could be so interesting'
"Yes, I enjoyed it very much" Teruhashi added. 'I do hope next time there will be more challenging fights so I can show my understanding.'
"I don’t really understand what happened, but I had fun." Nendo gave him a thumb up.
"You are such a good DM Saiki" Kaidou said. 'I could actually see the scenes in my head. Saiki is so talented.'
Am I? I barely did anything, and how did you enjoy that? But I can clearly see you had fun. That’s weird.
“Did you have fun Saiki? Do you want to continue next week?"
Well, I didn’t have a bad time. I guess I can always try to make it boring in the future. Saiki nodded
"Yes! Then same time next week?" everyone nodded and everyone left for their homes.
--
"Hey kuu dear, did you have fun with your friend yesterday?"
"It was fine mom"
Saiki shrugged as he fell to his bed.
The main problem now is that I finished the adventure Kaidou prepared for me, so I would need to think of an original adventure.
But hey, I’m an all-powerful psychic
How hard could it be?