Chapter Text
We are the classic case of the right person at the wrong time.
The two of us were many crushed-up fragments of a whole heart.
The cruellest thing you had done to me wasn't leaving me.
It was leaving all those unanswered questions and answers.
We planned to get married.
We planned so many great things.
Yet even now, I am aware but not aware that it will never happen.
I cannot come to terms with the fact you are not here.
I feel so terribly lost and scared.
I never wanted to die before you.
I knew what would happen to me if you did.
That I would turn out like this terrible monster whenever I looked in a mirror.
I have to face that monster that's reflected in me every single god-forsaken day.
And I hate it so much I can't breathe.
You know, I started to enjoy the rain these past few years.
I told you how I never enjoyed the sight of wet puddles and the feeling of cold benches.
But now, the rain has become my greatest company.
Whenever it rains, I go outside without my umbrella and feel it run down my face.
It reminds me that I am not the only one crying alone.
We did not take photos with one another often.
You would tell me how you wanted to savour the memories in our minds.
To you, savouring is the best part of a person's memory.
I now have only a few photos of you.
I wish I knew that our situation would end up like this, I would have taken a couple more photos.
Photographs that I did happen to save hung as relics on the walls.
Whispers frozen in time, each a portal to a past I struggle to grasp.
Faces smile back at me, familiar yet distant, their identities a hazy mirage that evades my grasp like grains of sand slipping through desperate fingers.
And within these frozen frames, your essence lingers—a spectral presence, an elusive whisper that dances on the edges of my consciousness, teasing me with glimpses of a life once lived, a love once cherished.
I give you many flowers when I go to your grave.
The beautiful daisies that you said reminded you of me.
I cannot help but walk past flower shops and specifically look for daisies.
Even now, you are always with me even if you do not know it.
You never enjoyed flowers when you were with me.
You hated the way they would die in a few days tops.
As well, you did not keep vases around, and you were not the best at taking care of plants.
And when I learned this, I stopped getting you flowers because I did not want to burden you with them.
But, now that you are not with me, I bring you flowers every week or so.
It took us both years to finally accept the love we felt for one another.
It was truly a sight to see.
We were complete fools when it came to confessions.
I wonder constantly why it took us so long to realize our feelings for one another.
It may have been for our hectic lives or perhaps our busy schedules.
The mutual pining that was never answered.
The feeling of yelling into a dark hole and getting no response back.
But, we both learned to accept it because at that point in our lives.
We finally decided that we were capable of being loved and capable of loving.
When I held you in my hands.
I held my world.
I held my pride.
I held my joy.
I held my wrath and fury and all the words I wish I could express.
I held my true love.
My other half.
My soulmate.
I held my galaxy and stars.
I held my youth and compassion.
I held the person I would give anything up for just to be by their side.
For you, beloved, were my galaxy, and every star within, I would claim.
I keep using 'you'; however, somewhere along this treacherous path, I truly forgot who 'you' was. Our child reminds me often, but it always slips my mind every so often for some reason.
There are still pictures of you hanging around our house, in every corner to be exact.
But whenever I look at them for too long, my heart shatters, and I fall to my knees.
I am unable to look at them for too long without breaking down in tears and being a mumbling mess.
But, I hope one day I will be able to look at those photos and cherish them.
Even though I forget your name as often as your face, it does not mean I do not love you.
It does not mean that I do not yearn for your warmth and hands to intertwine with mine.
It does not mean I do not miss the way you would hold me close as though you were going to lose me.
Ironic because I am the one who lost you.
I wish I had held on tighter when you hugged me.
Even with my memory struggles, I never truly forget you.
Which proves that I never truly stopped loving you.
Even after your death, I couldn't help but feel that death wasn't the worst thing that could happen to me because then I would finally be by your side again.
You were sort of like my home.
My comforting space where I could when I was down.
Without you, I am constantly homesick.
Our daughter is growing so much these days.
I cannot help but fear I am not a suitable parent for her.
While you were loud and energetic, I feel as though I fell short.
I am quite timid, and in my head, can I truly be a good figure in her life?
Though I struggle to echo your vibrance.
In her, your spirit finds its voice.
A lot of you still lives in our friends and family.
You live in me and our daughter.
The laughter she brings is a bittersweet song.
Echoes of your joy, a familiar trace of sound.
Yet my mind, a labyrinth, lost and forlorn.
Trapped in fleeting moments, time won't erase.
Though my steps falter in the shadows of uncertainty, in her, I discover echoes of your wisdom, your tenderness, and your unwavering grace.
Pictures speak tales I strain to recall.
Faces blurred a hazy mirage.
Your essence lingers a phantom's call.
In the shadows, memories dance, entwined collage.
The warmth in our daughter’s touch, a silent embrace.
Familiar echoes in her whispered words.
Though my mind's locked in a relentless chase.
Your essence in her, like migrating birds.
I falter, I fail, yet love endures.
In fragments, in whispers, in tender embraces.
Forgetting, yet remembering, is obscure.
A dance of love, an unfinished chase.
I will stumble, I will fall, but never sever.
The tie that binds our story's grace.
In her, I find you, lost and never.
Forgetting love's enduring, eternal trace.
Forgive the fickle nature of my mind.
Its relentless wanderings through the corridors of forgotten moments.
Where the threads of our story intertwine and fray.
In her laughter, in the softness of her touch, and in the hues of every sunrise that kisses the horizon, I unearth fragments of you.
It is woven intricately into the tapestry of her being—a living testament to a love that refuses to be confined by the limitations of recollection.
I stumble.
I falter.
I doubt myself.
I despise the person I have become since you’ve been gone.
Yet in her presence, I find solace.
A continuation of our shared narrative.
A whispered promise that our love endures.
Undaunted by the passage of time or the fragility of memory.
In the echoes of her existence, I find you, not lost but transformed, a mosaic of love's enduring, ethereal grace.
So, I may be unable to remember your name or face sometimes.
But everything in the world reminds me of you and the impact you made in my life.
I will never fully be able to forget you.
I am grateful for that.
But I also resent that part because it means I will never be able to fully move on from someone as important as you.