Chapter Text
Seungcheol woke up to the sound of loudspeaker music. He decided not to open his heavy eyelids. The change for the better that Jihoon promised him will take some time, right? He guessed you could say it will take their time. Not only his. After all, he alone won't change anything in his life. He wanted to get back to his old self honestly. He's a bit lost, isn't he? Sleeping on the sofa in Jihoon's studio, everything seemed so simple. As if he were about to get up and the world would become colorful again. However, despite his desire to be better, something kept pulling him down. Maybe it was the awareness that he would have to get the help from the members that he was supposed to help? He was the oldest in the group, and he just seemed the most fragile. He didn't know why he was the one who fell into the clutches of anxiety. It just happened. For some reason he was always anxious, but one day it all just came at him and he couldn't breathe and life seemed bleak. And it still does. Nothing has changed.
“Seungcheol, have you ever been diagnosed with depression?”
He heard Jihoon's voice. He had to show a sign that he was no longer sleeping. Seungcheol tried to answer the question in his head. He was never diagnosed with depression, only anxiety. However, this was also only in the hospital. After all, he stopped attending any therapy sessions. Thinking about it, he couldn't come to one conclusion. He had never read about the symptoms of depression, but honestly, he didn't want to. He probably didn't have it, that's what he felt.
"No, I was diagnosed with social anxiety symptoms only."
"Symptoms? And what about the whole disease?"
"Never."
If you think about it, Seungcheol seemed to be pushing himself into this black hole with no future. If he hasn't even been diagnosed with the illness, it can't be that bad, right? If he smiled more, maybe went out to meet people, everything would be fine. Looking at himself, he thought that maybe it would be easy for him to heal. However, he did not want to participate in therapy sessions. Still. It terrified him to have the awareness of participating in meetings between a sick man and another person who was supposed to cure him. He didn't want to tell strangers about what he was going through. And even if he did, he doesn't think the therapist would take him seriously. They would probably laugh and think he was being silly. Why would such a small problem wipe him off the board? He laughed at himself mentally.
Looking at his entire friend tree, he thought that maybe both he and Sunggyu were overreacting. Everyone is so fine, only they seem eager to greet the cemetery prematurely. He wonders who would visit them.
However, the state they were currently in would keep them for a long time. Let alone the older. Sunggyu seemed disconnected from reality since the times Seungcheol hadn't even debuted yet. Younger realized that this wouldn't go away on its own. Because why was Sunggyu still unable to wake up from this terrible dream? The elder was in a terrible condition that didn't even let Seungcheol sleep at night. He was afraid that the elder would make the final decision. And honestly, he didn't know what he would do if the elder decided to do it. In a sense, they were both dependent on each other. He had a feeling that if one of them killed himself, the other wouldn't last long.
"Cheol, I have already informed the members about your situation. I hope you are not angry."
"Why didn't you wait for me?"
Seungcheol sat down. That's what he wanted to tell them. Present your situation and your way of thinking. He didn't want to rely on another person this time. Especially since now he had no idea in what light he had been presented. He didn't like this vision. He looked at his phone. When he opened it, it burst with notifications. A few from Seungkwan, quite a few from Mingyu, one long message from Seokmin. He also noticed missed calls from Soonyoung. The contact "Hannie" caught his eye. He had three missed notifications, so when he clicked on the number, he saw three short messages.
“Hi Cheol, I hope you get better soon.
I'll fix everything, don't worry.
Jihoon told us everything. We discussed it together, I think we will take appropriate steps."
“Jihoon, what did you tell them?”
"Cheol, don't stress out. It's just what you told me, I also mentioned Kim Sunggyu Sunbaenim a little. Everything will be fine, we've already researched the solutions. It's morning, we'll meet Seungkwan and Jeonghan at noon. We'll talk to you there."
Seungcheol didn't like this idea. Why would he discuss matters that had already been discussed? Things that concerned him. Not them. Was he just supposed to approve them? It seemed like he still couldn't get control of his life. And the people who were supposed to help him didn't understand how much he wanted to catch it either. Apparently they had become so far apart that they no longer understood each other's ways of communicating. However, he didn't want to look at everything as negatively again as before. He wanted to hold on to the little hope he had regained. Sleep seemed to be the best choice. This time, one from which he will wake up.
"Wake me up when we will be leaving."
`°•~'
They were driving in Jihoon's car. They usually didn't use their own ones, but one of Seungcheol's requests about not telling the staff about his situation seemed to have been answered. He thinks so?Probably because he didn't know who to trust anymore. He looked at people walking on the street and wondered if they were also experiencing the same breakdowns in reality as he was.
"We are here, Cheol."
He got out of the car with the younger one. To be honest, he was afraid. He was afraid of confrontation with the members. He had imagined many endings to his story, but this wasn't one of them. In a way, it felt like everything was going to have a happy ending. He didn't know what to think. On one hand, he wanted to suffocate himself right now, but on the other hand, he wanted to see what would happen if he exceeded his limits. Walking through the halls of the apartment building... It seemed to him that he had already forgotten the way to Jeonghan's apartment. The road he remembered just two days ago. Everything became new and mysterious. Dark and scary. There was a creaking sound, and he felt as if he was learning what automatic reflexes were again. He felt really bad. Like in a horror movie. He didn't know why he reacted like that. His head was like one big unknown. He wanted to believe that he had some control over himself, but he lost that belief the day he tried to kill himself. After the first therapy session.
He heard a knock, and a second later he was in Jeonghan's apartment. He guessed he turned off again and got carried away by the hurricane in his head. Everyone was sitting on the couch in the living room. They looked like devils, waiting for him to run to them and hug them. He really didn't realize what he was doing. He didn't realize how automatically he moved, or how scary he looked at that moment. The members' eyes looked at his body. Thin and pale. Covered in bruises that revealed how sensitive it was. But to Seungcheol it still felt heavy, it was hard to walk with, he felt like he was carrying five bags of rocks in addition to his weight. He tried everything, but the extra weight wouldn't go away.
"Hey, Cheolie."
Joshua. He hasn't seen him for a long time. Pretty face. He liked him, he really did. He loved him as a friend. Joshua had always cared about him, and Seungcheol really didn't blame him for taking away his time with Jeonghan. Because it's not like Jeonghan couldn't have friends. After all, this was his group member. However, at certain moments it seemed that Seungcheol took a backseat. That he is no longer a man's priority. The elder wanted to believe that this was not the case, but he no longer wanted to delude himself. The delusions didn't take him anywhere.
"Hi Shua."
"I'll speak up, Cheolie."
He heard Jeonghan's voice. Jesus, it sounded like honey. Like his youth. Like the best moments of his life. He wanted this one to be like that too.
"Cheolie, we... We've already talked. We really feel sorry for you. Why didn't you tell us all about this, huh? We seem like the bad guys now. Really, Seungcheolie... We've talked and we're thinking about you moving in with one of us. It would be better for all of us. We want you to go to therapy too. It will definitely help you..."
"I won't go. I don't want to live with you. Guys, I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about the situation, but I didn't have the courage or strength. However, I don't think that we can communicate with such enthusiasm. Who is the bad guy? Me or you all? I thought no one, but looking at the current situation..."
"Seungcheol, please. I don't want to blame you, but who hasn't told us all about this? You. I love you, but I need you to wake up. It's not like we can do anything on our own. Therapy is really..."
"I said I wouldn't go. Fuck! How many times can I tell you that I won't go there!"
"Do you want us to take you there by force? Fuck! Seungcheol, if anyone in the company would find out about all this, you would immediately end up in a mental hospital. We really want the best for you. But damn it, show some initiative!"
"Guys, enough."
Everyone heard Mingyu's voice. The boy was brave, because no one in the room dared to stop the argument. The atmosphere seemed so thick that it could be cut with a knife. Seungcheol seemed to be shaking, the man hadn't even sat down since the beginning. It looked tragic, this was not how the entire group had imagined this conversation. It was supposed to be nice, supportive and, above all, it was supposed to go smoothly. However, they probably underestimated Jeonghan's capabilities or the severity of Seungcheol's problem. On one hand, Mingyu felt like they were going a little too hard on their friend. They heard the story from Jihoon's side, they didn't even bother to listen to what Seungcheol had to say. It seemed wrong to Mingyu, very wrong indeed.
"Listen, I'm sure we can reach some compromise, right? Anyway, maybe we'll listen to Cheol hyung? I think he has a lot to say about this, too. After all, it's all about him."
Seungcheol wanted to open his mouth, but all the motivation he had a few minutes ago had evaporated. He didn't want to be healed anymore. The difference is that now he's in a room with twelve different guys who all know he's thinking about suicide. There is no escape now. Everything came crashing down on him. Jeonghan was terrible, really mean. Seungcheol loved him, but all the words he said to him hurt. They hurt so damn much. He didn't understand why he was making him look bad. However, understanding in his case may have been distorted. All the words the younger man said could be true, but Seungcheol just didn't want to admit them. Over the last few hours, he had started to look at himself differently. Less negatively and judgmentally, he just wanted to believe that he was the victim of the pain. But now it seemed as if he was taking steps back again. Approaching the dangerous cliff from which he had recently left. Again.
"Apparently Cheol doesn't want to talk. Mingyu, I understand that you want the best, but in a situation where our friend can kill himself at any time, there is no compromise. He either allows himself help or is forced to do so. It is difficult to separate it as so that it doesn't hurt. Seungcheol hasn't had treatment for years, so I understand that it's difficult for him to start it again, but well... What can I do? What can we do?"
"Jeonghan, I'm sorry... I'm really sorry. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. I know you can't help how I feel or how I react to certain words, but I can't go back to therapy. I'm really sorry. I don't think we will find a common way to find a solution for my problems. I know it's because of me. I know that I don't have the same relationship with you all as I used to. I will try to fix myself, maybe I will find something to replace therapy. But I can't cooperate with you now. I love you, but I don't want you to remember what Jihoon told you. Can we just forget about what happened? I understand it's going to be difficult, but... I think it's just better this way. For the group. We still have to make money, right?"
Before anyone could answer, Seungcheol left. He felt like he was about to fall over. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to disappear completely. Everything seemed as real as ever. He didn't like it. This reality overwhelmed him. He realized he might have just fucked up the entire team. The one they worked so hard for. He really wanted this help, but all that desire evaporated with Jeonghan's first sentence. In the studio, Jihoon seemed willing to help, but maybe he was the one who misjudged it. He felt as if his friends felt an obligation to help, rather than a desire. On one hand, it was good because at least he wouldn't kill himself, but on the other hand, it just hurt. Because it was as he had suspected. Everyone wanted to get close to him again, but only out of pity. The poor fat boy can't cope with himself. Nothing was going well. When everything seemed to be falling apart a long time ago, now it just surely fell apart. He had nothing to hold on to anymore. The rope and the option he wanted to take turned out to be a suicidal move. He wondered if it was literally suicidal.
He wondered how he ended up in front of the dark wooden door again. A habit. The door was completely black at this point. Seungcheol wondered what happened to it.
He knocked and knocked and knocked, but no one answered. He wanted to imagine the worst when the door opened. Sunggyu's current state was the worst Seungcheol had ever seen him in. He had dark circles under his eyes, sunken cheeks as if he hadn't eaten for about two days, red eyes, and overall he looked like he had been crying a lot.
"Hi, hyung. Why won't you let me in?"
Seungcheol asked the elder. Sunggyu didn't move away from the entrance, so Seungcheol had no way to get inside. Something in the elder's aura had changed, but the younger couldn't say what. It seemed as if the entire conversation they had recently had never happened. The older man's eyes were cloudy, so Seungcheol couldn't even see the spark in them caused by his appearance. Everything seemed so empty about Sunggyu. Not that it hadn't happened before, but Seungcheol flinched at the sight of the elder.
"Cheol, I... We can't meet anymore."
The younger one froze. He didn't know what to say. It was as if there wasn't enough saliva in his mouth to even try to respond to the elder's words. If he was honest, he confessed that he would be the first to break away from this relationship. It wasn't that he was planning it, he was just looking at a future that he was sure wouldn't come because Seungcheol would kill himself. Yesterday's conversation with the elder in the car was supposed to be the starting point of today's conversation. The younger one wanted to learn a lot about life and possibly draw conclusions. Ask about the day's progress. Anything that would give him hope. Or pick it up. It didn't matter. He simply came to this door to listen to someone and to be listened to. No judgments.
"Hyung, what do you mean? Did I do something? Why won't you let me in?Sunggyu hyung please...!"
"Listen, Seungcheolie. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart, but I can't live with the knowledge that I'm the one pushing you into the hole of my depression. I can't even leave this world with that thought. I didn't know... I thought it would be slowly getting better, but today I realized that I'm the one making everything worse..."
"Who told you that?"
"Your friends called. Don't be mad at them, okay? I'm sure they mean all good for you."
Seungcheol was close to bursting into tears. Why didn't they tell him they called Sunggyu? And with this message? Why aren't they getting anything? After all, he told them that he puts a lot of hope in Sunggyu. He knew it might be considered unhealthy in some way, but so what? If the elder disappears, the younger will have nothing to hold on to. His anchor keeping him somewhat afloat will disappear and he will slowly drown. He trusted them. Really. After all, he trusted them with his entire mental health, and yet he was the one who was deceived. Again. He doesn't know if he can call it cheating, but how else could he call it? Everything seemed to be slowly coming to an end. As if the poet writing his stories lacked ideas. As if he was wrapping stories like poets from the Romantic era. In such a way that the main character dies in the suffering of his own obsession.
Seungcheol didn't know what to do. He had to somehow convince Sunggyu not to leave. The younger one had to say something that would convince the man to change his mind. Even if Seungcheol himself had to make a sacrifice worthy of death. The relationship they built over the years was amazing. No matter how dramatic it may sound. And he was just afraid. He was afraid of the future without the elder. They were both dependent on each other, what his group did was to sort of sentence them both to beheaded. He noticed that he was getting closer and closer to Alice in Wonderland. Alice was closed to being beheaded because she had ridiculed the Queen of Hearts in a game of croquet. However, she escaped and woke up. Seungcheol had nothing to wake up from. Where before he didn't believe he could be real, now everything seemed all too real. So real that he wanted to escape from all the sounds around him.
"Gyu hyung, we can get out of this together! Don't worry about me! We'll go to therapy together, we'll try together. I'm sure my friends didn't mean what they told you. Sometimes they're just impulsive. I promise that no matter what they said and how aggressively they did it, they still like you! Please agree... Neither of us will drag the other into this hole. I don't want to heal myself, but with you... I want to try."
"Cheolie, please... I can't. I've been living in the condition you see me in for years. Until recently, I went to therapy, I believed that it would fix me. I would become a normal, happy person. But it didn't help. I changed therapists, changed medications, and yet nothing can still help me. I look at myself and vomit. Old friends are laughing at my condition and the members don't know how to react anymore and what to do. Everyone has given up. The last therapist said she was close to putting me in the hospital. Do you understand that? I locked myself away after in this building, and before that I bought a stock of medicines. I still don't know how they sold me so much of them at once. I lost hope for the situation to improve, Seungcheolie. I don't know why nothing available to humans works for me. Things were better recently, but I feel like I'm going back to this disgusting empty place. I can't sit here thinking that because of my problems you won't get out of it. Maybe therapy will help you, maybe you'll eat again and live like you used to. And me? What would I do? Sit next to you ? As Seungcheol's sad friend? I cannot allow myself as a person to drag you into my problems again. Into this black hole that crushes us. I love you, Cheolie, like my son. You are so dear to me. I... I can still send you food if you need it. There will also be money. But physically... I'm sorry, my dear Seungcheolie.”
With the last word spoken, the elder closed the door. Cheolie, Cheolie, Cheolie. This diminutive. God. How will he cope now? The elder was like a father to him. He didn't understand why Sunggyu did that. Why couldn't he try again for him? If he was so important to him then why?! He felt cheated on, outraged, and at the same time, deep in his heart, he felt that somewhere there was understanding for the other person. But at the moment he couldn't get it out. He knew. He knew that in a few days something so bad would happen that Seungcheol wouldn't wake up from it. But in his situation, he didn't even have anything to do. He was left alone. With friends who have just thrown away the ship's metaphorical anchor. The man felt depressed, more depressed than ever before. He lacked strength and slid down Sunggyu's door and just started crying. He felt that the person on the other side was also shedding heavy tears.
And so they sat, listening to each other's sobs. However, neither Seungcheol knocked again nor Sunggyu opened the door again.
`°•~'
Seungcheol was so exhausted. He didn't even want to pretend. He barely heard any sound and he didn't even feel like arguing with his members anymore, he just wanted to go to sleep. He knew that Sunggyu had gone to therapy, before even they first got to know each other. He also knew that he had dumped it. He also knew that only minor things made the elder feel better. Bringing INFINITE together again, and something that was often hard to admit, but also him. Seungcheol didn't know how someone could love something like him. Something so broken and boring. Abstractly grotesque.
He felt like he had no thoughts left. He just missed them. He also no longer had tears. In the toilet, he had already vomited the water he drank. He didn't eat any food. Even though after leaving the apartment, Seungcheol received a transfer on his phone with the title:
"Eat your dinner, Cheolie."
He won't eat. He don't want to fulfill the demands of the person who left him. Nobody understands him. He didn't understand the elder's logic either. The only person who could listen to him... He needed a shoulder to cry on now, someone to lean on. However, they all disappeared. He looked through the contact list on his phone. There weren't many of people on it. Personal manager, group manager, a couple of HYBE employees, their old manager, HYBE's ceo, Sunggyu, family and members. The realization that he actually had no friends seemed all too real now. Because he realized that the world in which he was an outsider was real, not imagined in his broken head. The times when he gave his number to other idols were so distant, it was such a distance in the timeline that it slowly began to blur for Seungcheol like an old pencil on the paper. He only remembers some of the people he gave his number to. They were only those who said harsh words to him. He was slowly forgetting them too.
He was honestly starting to wonder if he had already forgotten the real reason why his entire condition had developed so terribly. What was the spark of all this? His anxiety? That's for sure. But does he remember anything else? Any words? Actions? In a sense, his entire career could be considered a trauma. However, if he had to choose between it and another life again, he would still choose the life of an idol. After all, it was little Cheol's dream. He couldn't destroy the smile of this little, full of luck boy.
His phone had been ringing since he left Jeonghan's and Seungkwan's apartment. He didn't dare to lift it. Maybe he was just too impulsive? The whole therapist thing. Maybe he really is crazy. Idiot. But he really doesn't want to go to a therapy. He should be the one to talk about his problems, not third parties. Two opinions create a tug of war in his head. He has a headache. His head hurts so much. It's about to burst. The multitude of thoughts that haunt him is so madly insane that it eats him from the inside. He's really going crazy. He's about to put on a hat and call himself a mad hatter. He was supposed to be the main character in his story, and he was terrified that he might soon turn into a crazed supporting character. But what was he supposed to do? Questions without answers, answers without questions. Everything was like a lucid dream.
`°•~'
It's been two weeks of not leaving the house. Nowhere. He felt that he had become pale and thin. The food still arrived every day. In a way, it was an assurance that Sunggyu was still alive. Seungcheol took it, but rarely ate anything. He didn't look at food or anything related to it with enthusiasm. He was still angry at Sunggyu. He couldn't understand his train of thought. His brain told him that he would do the same, that the elder had some reasons. Seungcheol was suffering one way or another anyway. He wondered if this time he hadn't pushed himself to the edge of the cliff himself. He didn't accept the help he was offered since he ran out of Jeonghan's apartment. He didn't answer the phone, he didn't open the door. Sometimes he sent an emoticon to the chat to prevent members from breaking down the door. They knocked, sometimes shouted and threatened. But he didn't gave up. He had enough suffering, and in his sick head a part of him thought that if he closed himself off, he would heal faster and maybe the group would forget about all this mess. He had nightmares about returning to them. About how they will look at him.
He felt like he was starting to behave like a wild animal. Or maybe he was starting to feel paranoid. He didn't even remember what he did yesterday. Once he got down to work, he thought that since he was sitting at home, maybe he would at least send Woozi some lyrics. Nothing worked out. People say that when a person suffers, they have unstoppable inspiration. They want to put all of their pain on paper along with their tears. But Seungcheol didn't seem to be able to do even that anymore. He didn't feel like motivating other people when he was barely making a living himself. He didn't want to hurt others either, he would take all his suffering upon himself. Then he only shed tears on the paper in front of him. Not a single word.
Recently he started crying more. He thought he had run out of tears, but after two days of loneliness they began to fall. He cried at every opportunity. When he was washing himself, when he was eating dinner, when he was watching television. Even when he was sleeping. He felt that no one was looking at him, so he could let himself do it. He didn't know if it was good. After the salty tears shed, his heart was still heavy. He was still breathing hard and hardly functioning. However, he found a reason why he started crying so much. Crying was exhausting, which allowed him to fall asleep faster and give him a moment of unconsciousness. He preferred to dream and have nightmares rather than live in one big nightmare.
`°•~'
He woke up that day with a heavier heart. Something was wrong. Maybe it was his anxiety, but something couldn't leave him alone. He felt worse than any other day. He didn't like it.
He decided to clean up. He hadn't done it for a while because he had no motivation, but his anxiety made him take care of the dirty dishes now. He dropped three. Nothing was going his way today. For the past two weeks, his entire daily process has been identical. He just always got up, went to the living room, picked up the food sent by Sunggyu, put it in the fridge, sat watching random programs on the TV, ignored the knocks on the door and the phone calls, and went to sleep. Over and over again. Nothing ever changed. Today, however, it was different from the very beginning. Instead of picking up the food, he went to wash the dishes. Now he is sitting and wondering what is happening to him today. His house, despite his desire to clean it, was covered in broken dishes. As he thought about the various options for his behavior, he remembered an important part of the day, the absence of which disturbed his entire day.
His food. Sunggyu always sent him food. Where is the supplier? Maybe he overslept and the delivery guy left a package at his door. He decided to check it out. He walked up and unlocked his now practically black door. There was no food. He looked out into the hall. He didn't see anything at the neighbors doors either. Seungcheol was definitely concerned about this. He was scared. He feared that the day he had been dreading for the past few weeks had finally arrived. Since his usual schedule was upended anyway, he decided to check his phone for the first time. It was lying unused on the kitchen cabinet, he charged it every day. However, he never used it. When he turned it on he had to put it down. It practically exploded with notifications. When the old ones finally stopped coming, one of the newer ones caught his attention. A transfer for a few million won titled "This is all I have left after the division, but I gave you two extra million as an apology. I love you, Cheolie." He felt dizzy. He had to sit down. What did it mean? He looked through recent messages and call attempts. However, Sunggyu was nowhere to be found, making this his first interaction with Seungcheol other than food since that fateful day.
He thought he was about to lose his mind. Nothing in recent days had caused him such a panicky reaction as this. He crouched down next to the sofa and grabbed his hair. He thought he was going to faint when two knocks on the door woke him up. He didn't know if he would dare to open it. The only person he ever opened the door to in the last two weeks was the courier. However, this didn't happen often either. He usually waited for the delivery guy to leave it at the door. Despite the conflicts in his head, he decided to get up and open the black door. He didn't like today's aura. He really wanted to end the day, but today both options were giving him a headache. Whether it was opening the door or leaving the person at the door without an answer.
Nam Woohyun?
After opening the door, he saw none other than Nam Woohyun. Sunggyu's would-be love interest. What the hell was he doing here and where did he get his address? Everything was turned one hundred and eighty degrees. Seungcheol didn't speak. All the scenarios played out in his head one by one. Looking at Woohyun, he noticed that the elder was shaking. His entire posture looked as if he was about to fall, and he was holding a piece of paper in his hand. He never spoke to Woohyn personally. There was no opportunity, but Seungcheol also didn't have that much social power. He had heard about him from Sunggyu, but not much either. Just like Seungcheol didn't want to talk about Jeonghan, the elder didn't want to talk about Woohyun. They often cried together because of them, but never said a word. Seungcheol felt so strange, he wanted to jump out of the window. He didn't understand what was happening, and even though he sensed what was about to happen, he couldn't accept it. He looked at the person at his door and prayed that he would say he brought food. He wanted this not to be his last exhale. Despite his willingness to die, at this moment he only wanted to survive.
"Sunggyu killed himself."
`°•~'
Seungcheol went to the funeral. He hadn't seen so many faces in one place for a long time. It seemed as if everyone who had been laughing at his friend's condition for years suddenly appeared. Sunggyu told him about them as a warning not to approach them. At that moment, he saw a full sea of idols. He stood in the back, not daring to move forward. SEVENTEEN stood there with him. He was surprised that they had the nerve to appear here and even cry. It seemed that Seungcheol's words reached Woozi only on the day of Sunggyu's death. So as not to forbid the elder from contacting him. Jihoon has been apologizing to the leader all day, but Seungcheol doesn't think he is the one who deserves an apology. Or maybe he deserves it too? Now he too has nothing to hold on to.
He knew that it would happen. They were so dependent on each other that they couldn't live knowing that they can't talk anymore. It was so inevitable that it became unreal. Seungcheol senses that the thought that the elder had of knowing that he "made the things worse for him" must have been difficult to live with. When he stood at the funeral, he saw Woohyun. The man looked terrible. He didn't even dress properly. Despite his own condition he felt sorry for him. He wondered if Jeonghan would look like that at his funeral. He wondered if he would cry like that too. Honestly, he didn't know what to think. On one hand, he was really close to the younger one, but it was a long time ago. Jeonghan hasn't spoken a word to him since he left the apartment that day. He wondered about the reason. But he couldn't find it. His head was somewhere else.
A few days before the funeral, Woohyun came to his apartment again. He looked practically as bad as the younger one. Seungcheol let him in, there was no point in fighting in the situation they both found themselves in. It was awkward, the first time they talked to each other was when the elder came to inform him about Sunggyu's death. Seungcheol pointed to the sofa in the middle of the living room and walked over to it himself.
It turned out that Sunggyu had sent his savings to every member of INFINITE on the day of his death, but it was Seungcheol who received the largest amount. The paper that Woohyun held in his hand on that terrible day turned out to be a letter to Seungcheol written by Sunggyu. Woohyun said he hadn't read it. Overall, the man didn't want to talk much. Seungcheol didn't judge him, he didn't feel like talking right now either. He felt drained of emotion. He knew it would take him a few days to realize his friend was no longer on this world. He only cried on the day of his death, and three days had passed since then, and he had not shed a single tear. In a way, he felt that his body was trying to protect him from a devastating fall. Seungcheol himself had a feeling it would happen anyway, but he couldn't tell when.
He said goodbye to Woohyun after ten minutes of sitting in complete silence. The letter was left on the table. Seungcheol was afraid to open it. He was afraid that it would be the one to open the waterfall of tears he kept inside. But he knew that since it was the last thing Sunggyu did before he died, it was important. The letter itself was packed in a white envelope with a red bow and a sticker with a cherry. It was a sticker from a set that the younger one had once given to the older one. He wanted his friend to always remember about him. Everything seemed so far away, and Seungcheol was afraid that he would be the one to forget. When he opened the envelope, he couldn't control his shaking hands. He didn't cry. He still wasn't crying. However, after reading the dedication, the first lonely tear rolled down his cheek.
"Dear Cheolie,
I think you're already reading this when I'm no longer next to you. Honestly... I don't know what to tell you. You can call me selfish in any way, because I guess I am. I won't talk about myself here because I know we know enough about each other that I don't need to explain anything. Well, the inevitable happened, didn't it? My young boy, I just want to tell you that you had an importance in my life that no one else had. I loved you like a father loves his son. I believed that I could save you from this terrible state, but somewhere along the way I stumbled. I shouldn't spill my own regrets and griefs on you. However, the very place and circumstances of our meeting seemed to herald a friendship that would be built on shaky foundations. Seungcheolie, I hope you can go through it. You are a smart man, and what a handsome boy. I'm sorry for treating you like a child, but I can't look at you any other way. You were never broken, you just got a little lost along the way. You still have time to find the right path.
We didn't talk to each other about our loves in life. However, I think you were not literally and unconsciously giving me information about the one. You only said his name once in my presence. Jeonghan, right? Throw away this letter if I'm wrong, because it doesn't make sense that way.
Cheolie, life is complicated. For some more, for some less. People change under the influence of different situations, but it's still the ones who can make you feel better in any situation. The words you said to describe this boy were always beautiful. You never said a bad word about him, although I often saw who was the reason behind your terrible well-being. Your love is huge, I think it's dangerous to some extent. But you know what I'll tell you? Living with the knowledge that you will never know whether the other person liked you or maybe still likes you is the worst of all. I can't predict what will happen to you, and if it makes you feel worse, pour acid on my grave. Cheolie, I hope you get out of the hole you're in. I take the blame for what happened recently. I shouldn't have rejected you so suddenly, but after hearing what your friends said, I believed that I was the problem. And maybe it was true?
Anyway, please forgive me. I will be here, always. I love you, my little boy. Please don't waste your life, Cheolie.
Your adoptive father
Sunggyu.
PS. In the envelope you have coupons for various restaurants, I went out specially to buy them for you! Please use them for yourself!"
After reading the letter, Seungcheol locked himself in the apartment again and left only when his members came to take him to the funeral. After all the commotion, he felt like he had shut down. He operated like a vending machine, and the only new thing his daily routine included was buying dinners in restaurants using coupons. He wanted to fulfill the elder's last wish. Sunggyu bought him coupons at restaurants all over Korea, so he was forced to travel. He had the impression that it gave him back a little of the lost sun. He saw a lot of new faces and things, and above all, he stopped spending his days in the apartment.
After two months, he returned to his group activities. Everyone was surprised, including the members. He couldn't blame them for thinking Seungcheol was going to leave the group. Everything that had happened to him in the last few months was unbelievable. They smiled at him and he did at them. At one point it seemed as if everything was as before. That nothing ever happened and it was all just a terrible nightmare. However, Seungcheol acted like a programmed robot. All his movements were trained and his smiles were fake. So much so that it was difficult to tell whether they were real or not.
In the third month of this routine, he used up the last coupon. He looked at the restaurant he had left and wondered what to do now. These coupons were a replacement for his friend, his next anchor. However, they ended too. He didn't know what to do now. He wanted to run out and buy new ones, but would it be the same? He couldn't recognize the signs in his head anymore. He didn't know what was good and what was bad. He was starting to feel like he had a few months ago again. He means... Honestly, he didn't know how he felt lately because he was completely disconnected from reality. He didn't even remember where he lived at the moment. It looked like he had finally woken up. But it wasn't good for him. He was too aware of reality. Everything that happened around him was coming back again. He feels like he's about to lose his breath. Everyone seems to be looking at him, although surprisingly no one recognizes him. He can't even put his thoughts together. They are like detached particles from three different books. Dilemmas that were about to leave him. He never completed Sunggyu's request to confess his feelings to Jeonghan. Honestly, he didn't feel the need to do so. He suffered, yes. But at this point he already thought he deserved it. He deserved all this suffering. He is a terrible selfish person who doesn't care about the world around him. What kind of example does he set for his juniors? How ridiculous he must look compared to such a well-coordinated group as SEVENTEEN. By pretending to be their leader, he only ridiculed them and gave them a bad reputation. Inside and outside the industry.
His friend's tragedy caused many idols to appear at his funeral and sympathize with his loved ones. Seungcheol then looked specifically at Woohyun, who didn't shake anyone's hand. He seemed to know what Seungcheol knew. About how Sunggyu was harassed in the industry. When he listened to the elder telling him about it, he wondered if it would happen to him in the future. That behavior close to ostracism. This seems to be what he's getting closer to. No friends, idols are afraid of him, and entertainment shows prefer other members. There was nothing special about him and he himself believed that if he didn't debut in SEVENTEEN, fans wouldn't know the difference. He felt sorry for them. For their fans. Really. To have an idol who can't take care of them, but constantly thinks about how terrible his life is.
He was approaching that cliff again. His final form. How does it sound? Like he was going to turn into a mental health monster. When he just wants to melt and forget that he's alive. Die falling asleep and never waking up. Of course with the knowledge that he would never wake up again. He always falls asleep thinking that this will happen. He begs for it from God in whom he does not believe. To finally stop thinking and feeling. He always thinks that he has stopped thinking, but what happens then is that his thoughts are so confused that he just doesn't understand them. Maybe he had that depression. However, he didn't care about all these diagnoses. Really. He didn't care how other people would describe him in their study guides. Maybe after his death he will donate his body for research? Research of the chief coward. Wow! How inventive he is. God. How stupid he is. More and more crazy. People would really put him in a mental hospital if they could hear his thoughts. They would put him there and wouldn't let out until he fucked himself up. Better yet, until he would shorten his insignificant life. When he describes it nicely, so beautifully that it seems uninviting to him. Such a very significant and beautiful thing does not deserve him. His disgusting face. He'll just kill himself. Fuck, he doesn't know. He will shoot himself in the head with an imaginary gun.
Entering the house, he took the keys from the hanger to the cabinet next to his bed. The one with the supply of pills. He smiled to himself. He'll finally get some sleep.
`°•~'
After the death of Seungcheol's friend, Jeonghan could feel nothing but guilt. He was the one who talked Jihoon into calling Sunggyu. He thought it would help. He wanted to help his dear friend. He said some obscene things on the phone to Sunggyu, but he had the feeling that now Seungcheol would go back to his old self. He was sure he had become this way due to the influence of others. Jeonghan didn't know what he felt for his friend, he had the impression that it could be something deeper than friendship, but he couldn't define it. Maybe he was afraid of realizing it. He cared about the other. He wanted the best for him, so he distanced himself from him. It seemed to him that this was what Seungcheol wanted. Everything would then explain why he didn't want to go out with him and his friends, and rarely with just Jeonghan. He wanted to give him space. His decision led to him becoming irritated and unpleasant. He didn't know why he started blaming Seungcheol at that moment, but he just wanted relief from the terrible guilt that was drilling into his head. The knowledge that it wasn't Seungcheol who wanted space, but something completely different, didn't want to be allowed into his head. He wanted to live in blissful ignorance while meeting his other friends.
In the midst of his period without Seungcheol in his life, he had kind of forgotten about him. He wanted to hit him with everything that was behind his back. With words, deeds, and maybe even gestures. He knew Seungcheol wasn't in good condition, but he still tried to make his actions look good. He had heard rumors about how "scary" Seungcheol is, but even though he knew it wasn't true, he only repeated them. The idol community was completely devouring Seungcheol, and Jeonghan only seemed to feed them food. He felt terrible. He doesn't know how Seungcheol survived it, being kicked from every side. Inability to talk to someone. He knew that the members also did not talk to the elder at that time. They believed Jeonghan was doing it. However, he failed too. He left him to the dogs who ate every piece of gossip.
Jeonghan tried not to think about Seungcheol, but when Jihoon called an immediate meeting and told about the conversation he had with the elder... Oh, Jeonghan was furious, he didn't even think about what they would do. He was telling them lies, just like he was telling them to himself, that if they forced the man into therapy and cut off what he believed was the main cause of Seungcheol's bad mood, things would get better. That the group will return to the state it once was in. Impulsive behavior of a primary school child. But what was he supposed to do? He didn't want to lose his friend... Friend? He did not know.
He knew he had done a terrible thing. Honestly, he couldn't even look at his friend right now. He couldn't live like he used to with him by his side. He saw that even though it seemed better, it wasn't. Jeonghan was his closest friend in the group, so he noticed the older man's mechanical movements. However, he gained weight, so some hope was shining inside the boy. He just hoped Seungcheol was actually getting better. He knew that he had been moving from apartment to apartment over the past few months. Once he lived with Jihoon, once with Soonyoung, and once with Mingyu. But he never came to see Jeonghan, but it wasn't like he invited him either. The atmosphere between them was awkward. Well, maybe he was the awkward one. Seungcheol seemed to just completely shut himself down around him.
Jeonghan wanted to say a simple sorry and hug his friend. Talk about difficulties in understanding his own feelings. About how it doesn't justify him. Just talk. A conversation they hadn't had in more than half a year. When this awkward period is over, maybe they will be inseparable like two cherries again. They will sleep together, maybe even as a couple. How strange that sounds. Couple. Him and Seungcheol. He guessed that he would want that? Taking the elder on dates and showering him with love from all sides. He should have done it from the beginning and not just shout at the man. The mistake he made was colossal. On the scale of a human life. However, he believed he still had time to fix it. Everything will be fine. They will grow old together, and whenever Seungcheol has a bad time, Joenghan will be there for him. Ready to devote all his time and honor to atone for his sins, but also to finally fulfill his serious infatuation.
He decided not to waste time, dialing Seungcheol's number to ask him where he was when he was interrupted by the doorbell. A shiver ran through him. God. What is he scared of? Seungkwan wasn't home because he had gone to his hometown, so he was forced to stop what he was doing to open the light wood door.
Jihoon greeted him. The shorter one looked like he had just swam across the entire ocean. Panting and shaking. He had never seen him like this. His hair were scattered and his shirt was pulled out of his pants. There were tears on his cheeks and deep sadness in his eyes. His legs were shaking like sticks, and in his hand he held a crumpled piece of paper with the words "For Hannie" written on it. Jihoon held it in such a way that he could barely read his name. Why was he shaking so much? What happened? The storm of questions that was currently running through Jeonghan's head was interrupted by Jihoon's quiet and desperate voice.
"Seungcheol killed himself."