Chapter Text
No.
Yes.
When Leo opened his eyes, he saw April and Mikey standing in front of him, concerned.
Two siblings that you just saw-
He hurriedly crawled away against the wall, tears threatening to pour down his face as his breathing quickened. He felt so lightheaded - he didn’t think he could stand if he wanted to.
You don’t deserve to stand, anyway. You got your family-
Raph and Donnie ran into the room.
Not possible. Raph and Donnie were-
“What the hell happened?!” Raph yelled.
Is he actually yelling? Or are you just imagining his screams from when he-
“We- we don’t know! He just- we-” Mikey choked on his words, crying.
Crying because of you.
Leo had stopped listening. All he could think about was the rocks falling onto his family.
Guilty guilty guilty
The dream he had, was that-
Donnie’s eyes.
He repeated to himself that it was just a bad dream, but he knew better.
Real real real real
Donnie kneeled down beside him, but he barely noticed.
Because Donnie shouldn’t
be here
- he should be under rocks and debris, -
He hugged his legs close to his chest and cried.
Pathetic.
“It had to be a dream it had to be a dream it had to be-”
It wasn’t, and you know that. You know your family is-
Donnie heard his mumbling, and if Leo was looking he would’ve seen the color drain from his face.
Don’t say anything please no I can’t-
You’re fucked-up.
“Guys…I…I think he remembered what happened to us.”
NO NO NO WHY WAS HE SAYING THAT NO NO NO-
You know why.
The other three crouched and sat down around him.
How? Because of you they should be-
“Leo…” Raph started, but Leo wasn’t having it.
Selfish, arrogant piece of shit.
“Tell me it was just a bad dream!” Leo begged, looking up at his older brother. “Please tell me it wasn’t real!”
Oh my God shut the fuck up already you-
Raph just looked at him with sad and oh-so-tired eyes.
No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
You always knew.
“No…no! How are you-...You’re here! You can’t be-” Leo couldn’t bring himself to finish that sentence, instead hiding his face in his knees once more.
Stop acting like you don’t know anything.
“Leo, being here…it’s been taking a lot of energy,” Raph said softly, placing a hand on Leo’s shoulder. “We can’t…we’ve been waiting for you to remember everything, but now-...”
They’re leaving you.
Leo, still refusing to look up, shook his head vigorously. “No, no! You’re lying! You’re pranking me, you can’t-”
Even now you still make it about yourself.
“Leo.”
Sounds like April, the sister you-
The slider finally peeked up at April’s voice. Despite the tears in her eyes, her face remains warm and gentle.
You don’t deserve it.
“Just try to take some deep breaths, okay? It’s going to be okay.”
That was a Goddamn lie and you know it.
But still, Leo obliged.
Why? You don’t deserve to.
They were shaky breaths, but still deep breaths all the same.
Fuck-up.
“Alright, are you okay now?”
Far from it, actually! It’s quite pathetic.
Leo nodded softly. He could tell April was shaking slightly as she spoke.
When was the last time you
actually
heard her speak? Was it when you-
“Leo…what you, uh, saw, it…it wa- it wasn’t a dream. It was r-” She swallowed thickly, trying to keep it together. “It was real.”
I told you so. But you already knew that, didn’t you?
“Are…are you real? Or are you…in my head?”
You’re really fucking stupid, you know that right?
“No, no, we’re real, Leo.”
Even though they shouldn’t be because you-
Tears filled Leo’s eyes once more.
Stop. Fucking. Crying.
“Why…why didn’t you tell me?”
You already know why.
“We wanted you to remember on your own,” Donnie said.
But you’ve always remembered. And now-
Leo turned his head to see his twin. He was looking away, tears threatening to spill in his eyes.
It’s your fault he’s like this.
Leo turned his head back. “So-...so what? You’re not… leaving me, are you?”
Always so
selfish.
Silence.
You already know the answer.
They all looked down.
They can’t look at you anymore because you-
Leo felt as if his heart had been stabbed hundreds of times.
And yet
you’re
the one still-
“No, no! You can’t just-”
Don’t beg for something you don’t deserve.
“Leo.” Raph finally met his gaze. “We…being here, it’s…it’s draining us.”
Looks like you still managed to hurt them even after they’ve-
Tears dripped down his face as Leo became desperate.
Don’t act surprised.
“No! No, I need you, please, you have to stay! I can’t-...I can’t-”
Maybe it’s good that you can’t. Maybe it’s deserved.
He didn’t care if he was being selfish.
That’s such a lie. You care.
“Leo,” April was crying, yet a wobbly smile stretched her face. “You’ve been such a good little brother to me.”
She’s lying. You’re-
Please, let me have this.
…I’ll be back later.
I know.
“I loved making stupid puns and jokes with you. I’ve loved trying and failing gourmet recipes with you.”
Leo couldn’t control the tears anymore.
“I love you, Leon. I’m so glad I got to be your big sister. You are so kind and so amazing, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
“April…”
“Lee,” Mikey’s voice made Leo turn to him. He was also crying, his smile a lot smaller than April’s yet still there. “I’ll never forget those nights you read to me as tots. I’ll never forget your hugs and smile whenever I had a nightmare. I loved and cherished every day I got to spend with you. I’m sorry I-...” He bit his lip. “I’m sorry for everything that's happened. Just know I love you and always will love you, big bro.”
“Mikey, don’t…don’t-...” but Leo couldn’t form words, he was sobbing too much.
“Leo,” Raph wasn’t smiling. “I…I know I’ve been hard on you sometimes, and I’m sorry.” He looked down. “I am so, so sorry. I feel like I don’t say this enough, but you are one of the most extraordinary, talented, loving people I’ve ever known. If I could go back, and tell you how much I love you every day, I would. But I can’t, so I’ll tell you now. Leon, I love you to the moon and back. I’m sorry I couldn’t always protect you or be there for you, but I’ve never, ever stopped loving you and I never, ever will, either.”
Leo desperately wanted to respond, but his throat was too tight.
“‘Nardo…” Donnie was finally looking at him, tears streaming down his face. “I know I’ve… I know I’ve teased you and made fun of you a lot, but I promise I never met any of it. I’d do anything to take it all back. I’m gonna miss the nights we stayed up together. I’m gonna miss our birthdays and stuffing our mouths with cake.” He huffed a wet laugh.
“I’m gonna miss working while you rant about Jupiter Jim. I’m gonna miss those stupid debates about characters. I’m gonna miss Lou Jitsu marathons with you. I’m gonna miss all your dumb jokes and puns. I’m gonna miss the way you collected action figures. I’m-...I’m gonna miss you, Leo . ”
“No, no, no…” Leo was sobbing uncontrollably now, his heart cracking at each word.
“Leo, promise us…” Raph began. “Promise us you’ll stay strong. Promise you’ll take care of yourself.”
“I…I can’t, no-”
“Leo,” April said softly. “ Please. ”
“No, I can’t- I can’t do this without you guys. I…I need you.”
“Leo, please just promise,” Raph said, the slightest bit more stern.
“I don’t know how to-” He hiccuped, words mumbling together from his cries. “-How to keep going without you here. Please, I love you, please stay, I-”
“Leo. Promise. Promise you’ll at least try. ” Raph was crying now.
Don’t do it don’t promise anything don’t don’t don’t
I have to.
You’re gonna regret it.
I know.
“...Okay. I promise,” Leo whispered finally.
Raph smiled weakly. “Thank you,” he breathed.
And then they all began to-
Fade
Away.
“What the- no, wait!- I’m not ready!” Leo pleaded.
“It’ll be okay, Lee,” Mikey soothed.
“No, no, please . Please stay, I- I’ll do all your chores, I’ll- I’ll always pick up the food, I’ll do anything, just please, stay!”
They began to grow less and less opaque.
“Donnie!” Leo turned, desperate. “What- what about the promise we made? As kids, remember? You said you’d always be here for me, you- you-!”
Donnie didn’t let him finish, tears rolling down his face.
“Leo, you were the best twin I could ever ask for.”
They were almost completely invisible now.
“Thank you for making this life worth living. I love you.”
And then-
…
…
…
They were
Gone.
“... You promised …” Leo whimpered, before punching the floor hard. He heard something crack in his knuckles, but he didn’t care.
“You promised !” He punched again. His knuckles were bleeding and hurt like hell, but he kept going.
“YOU PROMISED!...YOU LIAR, LIAR, LIAR, LIAR!… Liar…”
When he finally stopped, his head and knuckles throbbed and he felt on the verge of fainting. He ignored it.
He let himself weep. He felt Mayhem curl up by him comfortingly, but Leo didn’t acknowledge him.
Instead, he sobbed.
He sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for hours.
Your fault.
I know.
Mikey said it was okay, but it wasn’t. He didn’t think he’d ever be okay again.
He wished he hadn’t made that promise to Raph. He wished he had begged more. He wished he had told them he loved them more. He wished he wasn’t the one who was saved. He wished he had been better. He wished he could’ve asked for just one more day. He wished he could do or say something, anything, to bring them back.
But he was useless.
Useless, stupid, fucked-up Leonardo.
Why did Mayhem teleport him of all people?
What made him so special?
It’s your fault they’re all dead.
I know. I’m sorry.
“Sorry” won’t fix it. It won’t bring them back from
your
mistake.
I know.
You’re a murderer.
I know.
You killed your own family.
I know.
Now you have to live with that for the rest of your life.
I know.
You’re selfish.
I know.
You’re pathetic.
I know.
You're lazy.
I know.
You're a waste of space.
I know.
You’re just one big mistake.
I know.
If it weren't for you they’d still be here.
I know.
You never deserved any of their love.
I know.
Good.
I’m sorry.
I don’t forgive you.
I know.
Finally, after several hours, Leo’s eyes finally dried.
At some point, Splinter found him and helped him to his feet despite almost collapsing. With his father’s help, he got back to his bed.
He just felt numb. Like all the happiness and joy he had in himself was sucked out of him, leaving only despair and regret.
Despite his exhaustion, he couldn’t fall asleep. He wasn’t sure if he was grateful or resentful for this.
He’d promised he’d try.
But right then…he just couldn’t bring himself to do anything.
He found himself in an endless, dark pit that nothing and no one could pull him out of except for his siblings.
But they weren’t coming back, were they?
They were gone; he had killed them.
It was
All
His
Fault.
And nothing could change that.
Alright, so what? His family is ruined, no, destroyed because of him. He can acknowledge that. He has acknowledged that.
…Yet the pit in his heart and stomach remained.
He wouldn’t be surprised if it never went away.
“Guilt eats you up, and one day that may destroy you…”
He was wrong. He hadn’t understood before, but he did now.
And wasn’t that so selfish? His siblings are dead and all he can think about is how much he misses them and how much he felt bad about himself.
Classic Leo. Always thinking about himself.
What was new?
His knuckles and head ached, but he ignored them. He did it to himself, anyway, what was the point in caring?
What was the point in caring about anything if it all just gets ripped away from you? What was the point in loving anybody if you always just get left behind?
…
Unless-
Maybe he could just-
The promise.
He knew Raph wasn’t there to make sure he kept it, but he couldn’t bring himself to break it, no matter how much he wanted to.
He turned his head to the side, suddenly feeling disgusted in the ceiling. He stared at the wall, his eyes subconsciously tracing over the small stains.
Those stains were old and gross, but they each had their own story that involved him and his brothers.
God-
He thought he was completely out of tears until one escaped his eye.
And then another. And another. And another until they began pouring out his eyes.
He didn’t sob, though. He just layed there, pillow becoming wet.
Mayhem was curled up beside him. His father was in the other room.
And yet-
Leo felt
So
Alone.