Chapter Text
Nathaniel took the next 3 days to decide what he wanted to do. In the end he decided why the hell not. For the first time in his life he could make any choice he wanted. Why not make the one that brings him joy. Time after time his life had been forced by his family, led by their stern hand and harsh words. But music had always been his lifeline, his passion. And why deprive himself of something so small?
The rehearsal space the band rented was nice. It was large and clean and that was more than Nathaniel was expecting for a band who was still so new.
Everyone else was already there setting up their instruments. When Nat told Wymack that he would go to the band rehearsal the older man had given him the sheet music for some of the band’s most popular songs. Nathaniel had gone and bought his bass guitar that night and started practicing.
“So we should start with ‘the plan’,” Kevin asked once everyone had their things set. This was the first song that Nat had practiced so he was the most confident on it. He nodded his head without looking over at Kevin. His current plan was to just never talk to him or at least never talk to him one on one.
The song started off with Nat and Nicky playing their guitars while Kevin started singing. It was okay for the first part. There were a few mess ups, but that was to be expected. Nathaniel had just started learning this song 2 days ago.
Kevin halted their playing, “No no no, Nicky you have been playing this song for 3 years why are you messing up?? And Nathaniel, I know you are new, but you need to pick it up. We cannot wait for you forever.”
Nathaniel did not respond, just simply nodded his head and got ready to play again.
They practiced the same song till everyone had it perfectly. It had only taken them 30 minutes to get timing and everything together with Nat. It was truly remarkable. The drummer was the only one to never mess up, but he also rarely participated. While everyone else was getting timing right, specifically Nicky and Nathaniel making sure they were playing at the same time, the drummer sat there twirling his sticks and seeming overall uninterested.
They had a short break and Nat decided to go outside. After a few minutes the door opened again, and Andrew appeared. Nathaniel expected him to tell Nat they were starting again, but instead he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and leaned against the wall beside him.
There was a game of roulette that was played every time he smelt smoke. Some days it would bring back memories of his mother. Of someone watching his back and trying to keep him alive. Other times though all he could remember was Baltimore. Of charred flesh and pain. Today it was the former. Nathaniel felt himself relax into the smell.
“Why are you here?” There was a manic smile on Andrew’s face that Nat didn’t believe for one second.
“You need a bassist.” Andrew looked skeptical, but that was really no concern of Nathaniel’s. He was there to play.
“See you say that and yet I don’t believe you. It was no coincidence that you showed up here. Not right when we needed a bassist.”
“Well considering I’ve been working at the Foxhole for the last 4 months I wouldn’t exactly say I just showed up.”
“So, it was luck then that you played for Wymack? That he knew you could play?”
“I don’t believe in luck.” For some reason this made Andrew burst into a fit of laughter. Nathaniel found himself oddly annoyed by the noise. Nothing Natural caused a sound like that. Nathaniel held in his annoyance and walked back inside.
When everyone made it back to their instruments Kevin decided that they were going to work on a new song. The hope was that if they work 2-3 songs a rehearsal then in the 2 weeks when they have their next gig, they would be ready for a full show.
The bass line to the next song they worked on was really very simple. It was a constant repeat of notes to a steady rhythm, and then that note would change, and a new note would be repeated. There was one section that got mildly harder but even then, Nicky was doing all the heavy lifting.
So if you're lonely, you know I'm here waiting for you
I'm just a cross-hair, I'm just a shot away from you
And if you leave here, you leave me broken shattered I lie
I'm just a cross-hair, I'm just a shot then we can die
Based on the lyrics Nathaniel guessed that Nicky wrote them. His suspicions were confirmed after their first full run of the song.
“I still don’t know why we play this one,” Kevin was still apparently the same music snob he’d always been. “There’s no meaning behind the lyrics.”
“Don’t be so thick Kevin. It’s a great song. The crowd absolutely loves it," says Nicky who comes to its immediate defense.
“I’m not saying the crowd doesn’t love it, I mean there's no meaning behind the lyrics.”
“Just because you’ve never been in a relationship like this one, doesn’t mean the crowd hasn’t.” Based on his tone it was clear that Nicky had written it from experience.
Kevin looked around the room in search of someone to back him up, but all he came across was Andrew’s medicated smile and Nathaniel’s uninterested expression. Giving up, Kevin groaned dramatically and went back to singing.
They kept working the song and in significantly less time than it took for the last song, they had it down. Nathaniel found that despite his lack of connection to the lyrics he liked the steady rhythm of the song.
It felt almost like a heartbeat and the metaphor of the title being “Take me out” did not go unnoticed. The euphemism found in comparing a secret relationship to being killed, was complex in a way that Nathaniel had not expected from Nicky. Almost as if the relationship was failed from the start, not because of the people, but because of fate. The narrator knows that they won’t be leaving together yet still finds themself begging for the attention of their lover.
The song instantly became one of Nat’s favorites.
That night as the rehearsal came to a close Nathaniel felt lighter than he had in a long time. Here he was on his own for the first time in his life, doing what he loves. He no longer had the guidance of Stuart. Whatever choices he made were entirely his own. There was something so freeing about that.
Back in his apartment Nat continued to work through the sheet music. And then eventually when he got bored of the bass line, he pulled out his own song book and started writing.
Nathaniel had always been better at making music than writing lyrics. Though that never seemed to stop him from compiling poetry in his little song book.
There had been a tune stuck in his head for the last week that he was finally ready to put onto paper.
In his mind the song started off pretty mellow and as the narrator’s pain grew so did his desperation. By the chorus the lead singer would be basically screaming.
Well, it's cold, cold, cold, cold inside
Darker in the day than the dead of night
Cold, cold, cold, cold inside
Doctor, can you help me 'cause something don't feel right?
Something don't feel right
While compiling the music into actual sheet music he tried to ignore the story of this song. It was therapeutic of course to take his pain and turn it into something beautiful, but the truth behind the words became all too consuming sometimes.
While writing the final bridge of the song Nat felt his breath grow quick. He could remember what it felt like in that basement. The never ending doom that would consume him that first night back.
And as the darkness falls, it fills up both my eyes
My life before me like a flash in the night
With my arms open wide
Never had Nathaniel been as close to his own death as he was that night. The memory of it was so overpowering that Nat couldn’t breathe.
He was there in that dark room again. His dad was staring over him, with a smile that promised pain.
“Come on Nathaniel, did you really think she could save you?” Nathan had always been a sick fuck. It didn’t matter to him that Nathaniel was only 14 and had just watched his mother die.
Nathaniel felt himself struggle to breathe. He was stuck, there was no getting out of this situation. No more places to run.
He looked up through his blood soaked hair and looked at his father, truly looked. It was not every day that someone faced the devil and walked away.
Nathaniel continued to fight for his breath until he was finally able to come back to his body. Writing music was always a cathartic experience. No matter how raw it left him, getting it out always made him feel better.
Knowing that sleep would not find him tonight, Nathaniel stayed up working on the bass line of The Monsters’ songs.
As expected in the morning Nat was not looking forward to going to work. Being sleep deprived was not necessarily a foreign concept for him, it was just more far off than it once was.
During his shift he got more than one worrying look from Matt and even a few questions asked by regulars. Nat brushed them off without a fuss and continued to work.
Rehearsals with the band happened 3 times a week meaning in 3 days Nathaniel had perfected over 8 songs.
Of course, not every rehearsal was as easy as that first. As more time went on the less Nathaniel was willing to let Kevin’s attitude slide.
Which is why it came as no surprise to Nat when Kevin was absolutely intolerable at their 4th rehearsal.
“Nathaniel you cannot keep dragging the tempo. It’s really an easy concept. You see that metronome right there? When it goes down that is one beat. Do you need a whole lesson or is that enough for your tiny brain to understand?” Nathaniel took 4 long deep breaths before he even tried to respond.
“Are you mute or something!?? What did daddy not teach you proper manners?” Clearly Kevin did not share the same patience. And boy if he could have chosen a worse thing to say.
In three quick strides Nathaniel had Kevin held against the wall with his arm across his chest, his father’s smile on his face. “My daddy taught me quite a few things. None of which had anything to do with manners.” For extra emphasis Nathaniel pushed a little harder after each word.
Apparently, this was too far for sweet little Kevin. Who made pleading eyes at Andrew to save him. Already one step ahead of him Andrew was there already lining up to punch Nat.
Now Nathaniel was no idiot, he knew that if it came to a fight, he would be three against one. He was also not blind to the knives Andrew was wearing at all times. So, for his own safety Nat took a wide step back from Kevin and dodged the punch.
“Whoa there, don’t you think that’s a bit of an overreaction.” Apparently, Andrew did not find this funny and got ready to hit again. Not expecting this to end anytime soon Nathaniel got ready to take the hit.
If that was the easiest way to get Andrew to calm down it would hardly be the worst pain that he’d ever been in.
Surprisingly though the hit never came. Instead, Andrew had grabbed one of his knives and was now holding it up to Nat. With a low chuckle Nathaniel stared into Andrew’s eyes.
“You will not harm what is mine. If you have a problem, you will use your words.”
Apparently, Nat had lost all sense of preservation skills in the last few minutes because the next words out of his mouth were, “you do see the irony right now, yes? Pulling a knife on someone to explain that talking it out is the right move.”
Ignoring him Andrew moved away.
The rest of rehearsal was tense. Nat refused to let his guard down and Andrew refused to let him anywhere near Kevin. They made it through the songs they needed to and called it as soon as they could.
On his way out Andrew followed him, and an uneasy feeling came over Nathaniel.
“You’re going to come with us to Eden’s twilight tomorrow.”
“And why would I do that?”
“Because you want to be in this band. Because you want to play, and you want to be good.”
“Yeah, and I could do that elsewhere.”
“Okay fine, entertain me. If you go to Eden’s this once, I’ll never ask you again.”
Nathaniel really hated that he was forcing himself into this situation. There was really no outcome that was favorable to him. But Nathaniel couldn’t give up playing. Not now. Not when it was just back in his life.
“Fine.”
It was established that Andrew would pick Nathaniel up from Foxhole at 8 the next night.
Nat hadn’t been to a bar in over a year. Not since his last trip with his cousin. Despite the heat and the general lack of personal space he hadn’t minded it too much. He hoped that it would be relatively the same with Andrew and his crew.
When he made it to Foxhole, he found Nicky there waiting for him holding a small black bag. It was still 45 minutes before they were supposed to leave, so Nathaniel was mildly confused.
“Hey! Andrew wanted me to help you get ready. No offense, but no way could we let you go to Eden’s like that.” Nicky said this all while analyzing Nat’s original outfit choice. It was plain black jeans with a loose button up. Nathaniel couldn’t see the problem with it.
“Umm no I think I’m ok.”
“Sorry man, Andrew’s orders. Plus, if you were that you stick out like a sore thumb. Believe me man, whatever's in here is way better.”
Giving up Nathaniel took the bag and went to the back room. Nicky tried to follow him, but changed his mind after a stern look from Nat.
The clothes definitely weren’t horrible. They were tight, much tighter than anything Nat would put himself in. The pants were black with rips along the thighs. The shirt was a black tank top with a long sleeve mesh shirt over it. He got to keep his own combat boots which he had stuck a knife into.
When he was done getting dressed, he walked back out. Nicky gave him a once over and seemed to approve based on the look he was giving Nat.
“Ok now let me fix your hair,” Nicky said excitedly. These words sent chills down Nat’s back.
“My hair’s fine.”
“No, it’s not. Come on, at least let me put some curl cream into it. Your hair just looks frizzy without it.”
Nathaniel tried not to worry as Nicky did his hair. If he could see that it was dyed dark brown, well it wasn’t really a big deal. The hair dye was there so Nat could look at himself without just seeing his father, along with the contacts. He just really didn’t want Nicky asking questions.
“See, look at how good that looks!”
Nathaniel was honestly surprised by how much better his curls looked, “Thanks man.”
“Of course!! Oh, and Andrew said something about taking out your contacts. I don’t know why honestly, I mean I bet you look super hot with your glasses, but yeah, no contacts tonight.”
Nathaniel felt his chest seize up. He hated that Andrew had been able to see through his fake lenses.
Begrudgingly Nathaniel went to the bathroom and took out the contacts. When he saw his dad’s bright blue eyes it took a moment for him to catch his breath.
“He’s dead, He’s dead. You were there when he died. Get it together Abram.” Nathaniel whispered to himself. Once he had his breathing under control he went back into the main room.
While he was in the bathroom Andrew and Kevin had showed up. Andrew gave Nat a long look scanning up and down his body. When they finally made eye contact a smile came over Andrew’s face.
“Whoa one less lie. I didn’t think you had it in you,” Andrew said.
Rolling his eyes Nathaniel started walking out. Kevin quickly got in front of him and Nicky and Andrew on either side. Really it was a weak intimidation tactic.
In the car Nicky was driving and Kevin took the passenger seat. That left Andrew in the back with Nathaniel.
There was music playing softly and Nicky spent most of the ride talking about who knows what. No one was really listening to him.
About halfway there Andrew spoke, “Nicky pull over.”
“Oh, come on Andrew were almost to Sweeties. Can’t you wait 10 minutes?”
“Nicky now!”
Listening, Nicky pulled off to the side of the road, just as Andrew opened the door. He started dry heaving. Nathaniel was more than a little confused but refused to ask. Really it wasn’t any of his business.
The rest of the ride was silent.
They pulled up at Sweeties, which happened to be an ice cream shop. They walked in and took a seat in one of the large booths. Nathaniel was sandwiched between Andrew and a wall.
Now that he was looking Nat noticed the lack of medication in Andrew’s system. The other boy's eyes were bleak and there was no endless chatter or forced smiles. It was almost as unsettling as Andrew on his medication.
The waiter came up and asked for their orders. Nicky ordered the ice cream special for all of them, and the waiter left.
Andrew’s hands were shaking nonstop, it got to the point where Kevin decided to say something, “Just take the pills Andrew.”
“Fuck off”
“You’ll be fine in a few minutes if you would just take them.”
“And I told you no.” There was extra heat put behind those words.
Trying to defuse some of the tension Nicky continued his endless chatter about whatever came to mind.
“So, Nathaniel, why the contacts?” Nicky was the one to start asking the questions.
“I hate my eye color.” Nathaniel really didn’t want to give more detail than that. All night he was going to have to play the game of letting them get enough answers to satisfy their curiosity, but not enough to give too much away.
Nicky looked like he was gonna press the matter, but luckily the waiter came back. She dropped off the ice cream along with 4 sets of napkins. Andrew quickly grabbed the napkins and took something out from under them.
Nathaniel picked up on the movement but couldn’t figure out what Andrew grabbed. Luckily though Andrew wasn’t willing to wait much longer and opened a small packet of white powder and tossed it in his mouth.
Nathaniel was very used to drugs, whether it was what his dad was taking, or what his uncle was selling, Nat was always around drugs.
Once the powder was dissolved in Andrew’s mouth the shaking off his hands stopped almost immediately. Whatever this new kind of drug was, it was strong.
Silence came over the table. Kevin looked like he wanted to say something but settled on glaring at Andrew.
Nathaniel had never liked sweet things and didn’t really care what Andrew did, so he was just waiting for everyone else to be done.
Andrew stared at Nathaniel's uneaten ice cream, “Do you really think we did something to your ice cream?”
“Not everything is about you actually, I just hate sweet things.” Nathaniel wouldn’t have actually been surprised if they did honestly.
Rolling his eyes, Andrew took Nat’s ice cream and ate it.
On their way out Nicky left more than enough money for their ice cream. They all got back in the car and headed the rest of the way to Eden’s twilight.
Nicky dropped Andrew, Kevin, and Nathaniel off at the door and went to park the car. At the door Andrew did some silly handshake with the bouncer and they got in free.
The bar was packed. The loud music made it almost impossible to hear anyone and the dark lighting left Nathaniel on edge. He followed Andrew to a set of tables. They all sat down and waited for Nicky.
Scanning the bar Nathaniel looked for familiar faces, praying he would find none. He took note of the exits and watched the people dance on the ground floor.
Andrew tapped on his shoulder to get Nat’s attention. Andrew nodded his head in the direction of the bar and together they made their way.
The bar was packed. Andrew seemed to be waiting for one specific bartender which made Nathaniel uncomfortable. Eventually the bartender appeared to service them.
“Hey Andrew! Who’s this?”
“A nobody.”
The bartender seemed to ask Andrew a silent question. Nathaniel had a good guess as to what to expect, but when weighing his options Nat found he only really had one.
“So, what can I get you?” This question was directed at Nathaniel.
“Just a coke.”
“Ok, Andrew you just want your usual?” Andrew gave a small nod and the bartender got to work.
When they got their drinks, Andrew walked behind as Nathaniel cleared a path.
At the table everyone grabbed their drinks. Andrew passed out the powder and everyone except for Nathaniel grabbed one.
“Here Nathaniel, you want some Cracker dust?” Nicky asked.
“No, I'm good.”
“Oh, come on Nat, loosen up a bit.”
“No means no Nicky,” Surprisingly this came from Andrew. There was a kind of mania in his eyes that had nothing to do with the drugs.
Going silent Nicky chugged the rest of his drink and got up to dance. Nathaniel stared at his drink. There was like a 98% chance that it was drugged, or at least tampered with in some aspect, but what other option did he have?
Nathaniel made sure to make eye contact with Andrew as he drank.
The effect of the drugs didn’t take long to kick in. His mind felt light, yet his body felt heavy. It took an effort to keep his thoughts on one thing. Andrew seemed to be moving even though Nat knows they are both sitting still.
“So now Nathaniel, I'm gonna ask some questions and you're gonna tell me the truth.”
“Really all of this just for some answers that I would have given you for free.”
“Nothing is ever free. This is the best way, get over it.”
Rolling his eyes Nathaniel replied, “Ok well I’m not getting any more open than right now, so fire away.”
“The drugs should take another ten minutes to fully set in.”
“Yeah, but I've been drugged more times than I can count. So, no matter how long you wait I’m not gonna be anymore gone.”
If Andrew was uncomfortable with Nat’s omission to being drugged before, he did not let it show.
“Fine.” Andrew said with a cold smile.
“Why are you here?”
“To be your bassist, we’ve been over this.” Nat found this question oddly funny, and a smile came to his face as he answered it.
“Not in the band. In Palmetto.”
“Well, I couldn’t stay in Britain forever could I.”
“Why not?”
“Well apparently the family business is really only my business when they need me.”
“What’s your family's business?”
“Crime.”
Andrew seemed shocked by Nat’s answer. Well as shocked as he could look, his eye got the slightest bit wider.
“My parents worked with the Moriyama’s to some degree. Probably just some small jobs here and there. Nothing to be of any importance. They're dead now anyway so it's not like they matter.”
“Did you kill them?” the question was asked so nonchalantly that it startled Nat.
“Did you kill yours?”
“Only one of them.” Nathaniel was surprised he got an answer at all.
In return Nat answered the question, “One of them. Mom was killed by my dad. I helped kill my dad. I lived with him and survived it. My uncle came and saved me and took me to Britain away from everything for 2 years. He put me in a private conservatory for music.”
“Why did you run away from Kevin that first day we met?”
“He was there one time when my dad cut someone up. He was young, probably too young to remember it, but the fear of him recognizing me took over and I had to get out of there. I don’t want to live in my parents' shadow.”
Andrew seemed content with his answers and gave up on asking questions. Already being high Nathaniel gave into the feeling.
He loved the freedom that came with drugs. Nathaniel took a shot before deciding to go dance.
Enjoying himself for the first time in a while Nathaniel let himself go. There was a steady beat and flashing lights that Nathaniel found himself lost in.
It took a while but eventually Andrew found him, and they left. Nathaniel let himself drift without a care on the drive back.
He was surprised when they stopped at a house relatively close to the bar.
On their way in, Andrew stopped outside to smoke. Nathaniel decided to join him. The silence they sat in was comfortable or maybe that was just the drugs. Nathaniel found himself captivated by the little ember at the end of the cigarette.
It must have been the drugs, but Nathaniel thought that Andrew’s eyes looked beautiful reflecting the light from the cigarette.
“You're gonna want to drink your weight in water before you go to bed.”
Nathaniel nodded his head and took the dismissal for what it was and left. He found the kitchen and got a cup of water. No one was sleeping on the coach so he made himself comfortable and passed out for the night.