Chapter Text
Noya woke up in a bedroom that wasn’t familiar, in a bed that smelled familiar. His whole body ached and the light peeking through the cracks in the blinds sent pain shooting through his skull. He dragged a pillow over his head and hugged it against his face, then breathed in.
Ryuu.
It smelled like home, the so-familiar scent of soap and skin, of borrowed pillows and sleepovers, training camps and late nights spent talking. He buried his face in it and breathed again, slow and steady, blocking out the light and trying to will himself back to sleep.
The thought settled in before he could drift off: why was he in Tanaka’s bed?
Then he remembered the taste of Tanaka’s mouth, the smooth softness of his lips, the gentle press of his teeth.
He sat up abruptly, which was a mistake. His stomach churned and his head heaved like something heavy had rolled to the front of his skull. He pressed a hand to his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the feeling to pass. Then he looked down and realized he wasn’t dressed. His shirt and jacket were gone, and when he lifted up the sheets, he discovered that he wasn’t wearing anything but a pair of Tanaka’s boxers. His stomach went cold. He couldn’t remember anything after the bar. After the kissing. But he was definitely in Tanaka’s bed and wearing his underwear. He shifted experimentally. He was sore all over – more than volleyball practice sore, but not… And he was grimy with sweat, but it wasn’t. He didn’t think.
But he couldn’t remember.
His heart was beating fast and bile spiked in the back of his throat. He needed to get up and find a bathroom, fast. He only got as far as throwing off the covers, though, before he realized that Tanaka had left a trashcan lined with an empty plastic bag right beside the bed. He grabbed it, dragged it into his lap, bent over it, and threw up until his ribs ached and he was panting for breath. When he ran out of what little he had in him to puke up and his dry heaving subsided, Noya set the trashcan back on the floor, then put his face in his hands, covering his eyes and trying to figure out just how badly he’d fucked up.
A few minutes later, there was a quiet rap on the door. Noya just had time to look up before the door opened and Tanaka stepped into the room. “Morning, pukey,” he said, handing Noya a glass of water and two hefty-looking tablets – probably some kind of painkiller. He closed the blinds on the windows a little tighter, darkening the room, then sat down on the edge of the bed and asked quietly, “How’re you feeling?”
Noya grunted, carefully swallowing the pills down one at a time. He took another gulp of water and swished it around in his mouth, trying to rid himself of the taste of stomach acid, then slowly drank the rest of the water. When he was done, he set the empty glass on the nightstand, took a steadying breath, and asked, “Did we have sex last night?”
Tanaka’s eyes blew wide with surprise, his face going dark crimson, “What?” Then, hastily, “No. Dude, no, nothing. Nothing happened. What. Why would you think that?”
Noya gestured to himself – wearing nothing but Tanaka’s boxers – then to the room and the bed – not his.
Tanaka shook his head, composing himself. “Dude, no, it’s not… You went full Shoyou on me. Puked all over me, then puked all over yourself and passed out. I had to carry you upstairs. All your clothes were either covered in vomit or smelled like swamp ass or both, so I put them in the wash. There’s no bed in the other room yet, so I put you in mine and slept on the couch. I promise I didn’t, like, molest you or something,” he said, waving vaguely in Noya’s direction – encompassing, presumably, the fact that Noya wasn’t wearing the same underwear he’d had on the night before. “And we didn’t-” He stopped, puffed out a sigh, rubbed the back of his neck. “What do you remember?”
“You kissed me,” Noya said. Tanaka frowned, looking down at his feet and nodding. “And then I kissed you. And then…”
“And then you slipped and fell off the bar and puked all over me and passed out, and I hauled you up here and put you to bed. That’s it.”
“Did you-” Noya started, then stopped, because the first thing that came out of his mouth was rarely ever tactful, and this was… delicate. He had so many questions, but wasn’t sure which one was the right one to ask to get the answer he needed. Finally he asked, his voice small, “Did you mean it?”
Tanaka’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What?”
Noya touched his fingertips to his lips, then realized what he was doing and ducked his head, cheeks burning, “When you kissed me. Was it.” Because it was me or just to make a point?
“Yeah,” Tanaka said when Noya couldn’t find a way to voice the question, “I meant it.” He smoothed a hand back over his head, scrubbing the short fuzz of his hair and huffing out a breath. “I shouldn’t have done it, and it was really shitty and selfish of me, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… Fuck, to take advantage of you when you were drunk and hurting, and I’m so sorry. I was pretty drunk, too, and I didn’t… God, I didn’t expect you to kiss me back, not at all and not like that , but…” He grunted, low and frustrated, “You said I would have been a better boyfriend than Asahi, and all I could think was how much I wanted the chance to prove you right.” Noya’s eyes went wide, but before he could muster a response, Tanaka pressed on, “I know you were probably just talking out your ass last night and that you’ve probably never even looked at me that way, and that’s fine, we don’t…” He sighed, leaning forward on his arms and covering his face with his hands. “You’re my best friend and I don’t want to fuck that up, but if you meant what you said even a little bit-”
“I did,” Noya said, and Tanaka sat up abruptly and looked over at him, startled. Noya inched forward on the bed, reaching out and tentatively brushing his fingertips along Tanaka’s cheek, murmuring softly, “I wouldn’t have kissed you back last night if I didn’t.” Tanaka went very still beneath his touch, breath caught in his lungs, eyes wide and searching. But he didn’t draw away, and when Noya was sure he wasn’t going to, he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. Tanaka made a small, needy sound against his mouth, and Noya slid his hand around to the back of Tanaka’s neck, drawing him closer and kissing him again, slow and sure. Tanaka breathed a weak sigh and started to relax into the kiss, the tension draining out of his shoulders as he started kissing Noya back. Without the hazy shroud of alcohol between them, it felt somehow more real, and now that he wasn’t scrambling sluggishly to make sense of what was happening, Noya realized just how much he’d meant what he’d said – how much he wanted this. He snaked his arms around Tanaka’s neck and tipped his head to one side, parting his lips in invitation but letting Tanaka lead. He was surprised by how sweetly Tanaka kissed him, a gentle touch of tongue, the slow threading of fingers in his hair, the ghost of fingertips on his spine leaving trails of phantom heat on his skin. It made him shiver and gasp, and when he drew back, he let out a giddy, breathless laugh, pressing their foreheads together and murmuring against Tanaka’s mouth, “Holy shit, Ryuu.”
“Still think I’m the straightest person you know?” Tanaka asked, his voice tinged with amusement and a little rough around the edges.
Noya huffed out a laugh, giving a small shake of his head. “Still think I only kissed you because I was drunk?”
Tanaka drew back, searching Noya’s face, his voice softening. “No, but you sure as hell never let on that you were interested before.”
Noya sat back on his heels and dropped his gaze. “I never let myself think seriously about this,” he said, gesturing vaguely between them, “before last night. But it turns out it wasn’t much of a leap.”
Tanaka gave a small nod, licked his lips nervously. “And now that you’re thinking about it?”
“I don’t know,” Noya said, because he didn’t. He looked over at Tanaka, searching the lines of his face for all the things he’d missed. “I don’t want you to be a rebound,” he said finally. “I don’t…” He frowned, looking down at his knees.“You’re maybe the most important person in my life, Ryuu, and I don’t want to fuck that up, and I’m… I’m not in a good place right now. Obviously. But I didn’t ask if we had sex last night because I was worried you’d taken advantage of me, I asked because I was afraid I’d…” He stopped. Shook his head. “Because the last thing I remember from last night is wanting to. But I can’t… I can’t promise that if Asahi shows up here tomorrow with flowers and a really, really good apology and a fucking five year plan that I’m not going to at least hear him out.” He shook his head, rubbing at his eyes. “And I don’t want you to be the person I… Ugh, but I fucking did, though, not like that way, or at least not on purpose, but I fucking ran right into your arms after I broke up with him. And that probably means something, but I don’t want you to be a rebound, I don’t want you to be an “I’m-over-you” or a revenge fuck and I don’t want you to be a salve or a fucking band-aid for the mess Asahi made. If we’re gonna…” He shook his head. “I wanna do it right, and I can’t right now. I mean, Jesus it’s been… It hasn’t even been a day.”
“I’m not in any hurry,” Tanaka said after a moment. “I mean, I’m not… I’m not asking anything of you. This doesn’t even have to be a thing unless you want it to be, not now or ever. I didn’t mean to back you into a corner, I just… Jesus, I really didn’t think this through at all, man. Last night was just the first time I saw an opening to tell you and had the guts to take it.”
“How long?” Noya asked.
Tanaka gave a small shake of his head, like he wasn’t going to answer, then glanced down at his hands. “When you came out to me, I had about two minutes to come to terms with the realization that I really wanted to kiss you and that that was maybe a thing that could happen before you told me you were dating Asahi.”
Noya sucked in a breath, because, wow. He’d had no idea. He’d been neck deep in his own shit at the time, terrified and thrilled and-
“I think you were waiting for me to be grossed out, or mad or freaked or something, but it was, like, the first time anyone had ever made it sound like it was okay to like both? And it kinda blew my mind.” He shook his head. “It really hit me after we won nationals. I’d sort of been pretending to myself that my beef with Asahi was that I thought he wasn’t good enough for you, but when you ran over and jumped into his arms and kissed him in front of everyone after the match… I stopped being able to pretend I wasn’t jealous.”
Noya breathed out a bitter laugh. “For what it’s worth, he almost broke up with me for doing it. We got in such a huge fight afterwards, because he was so afraid that his parents would find out.”
“Jesus. Guy knows how to ruin a moment, huh?”
But Noya didn’t want to talk about Asahi. He shook his head. “Why didn’t you ever tell me? I mean, not about me, but that you’re…”
“Bi, I guess?” Tanaka provided when Noya hesitated. “I dunno, man. I mean, I never told anyone, because it didn’t matter. Or it felt like it didn’t, I guess. Like if there had been another guy, maybe, but it was just…” He shrugged. “You. And that’s a hell of a conversation, right? ‘I’m mostly straight but damn your ass looks good in those shorts, best friend who’s in a steady relationship!’”
Noya couldn’t help it. He grinned. “Which shorts?”
Tanaka looked up at him, blushing when he realized what he’d just said, then snapped, “Your fucking jersey, man.” He scrubbed his hand over his head, sighing, “Your little orange ‘regulation booty shorts.’” Noya barked out a laugh, and Tanaka muttered, “It’s not funny. It was fucking distracting.”
“You should have told me,” he said, suddenly serious.
Tanaka shook his head. “I didn’t want to fuck things up. Not between you and me, and not between you and Asahi.” He sighed. “It didn’t feel like it would make a difference, anyway, even if I told you.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s always been Asahi for you,” he said quietly, leaning forward and wringing his hands together. “From the moment you met him, it was like… some red thread of fate shit, or something. He was always your ace. Always the bright light you looked toward. For a while I thought that maybe when he graduated, it might change, but it didn’t. Even after he was gone… I was the ace of the team, but he was still your ace. You never looked at me the way you looked at him.”
“Because you’re different,” Noya blurted. “I never had to look to you because you were always there.” Tanaka looked up at him, surprised, and Noya flushed and looked down at his lap. “You’ve always been there for me, Ryuu, no matter what. With Asahi… if I wasn’t always looking, I would miss the moments when I got to see him.”
“What do you mean?”
Noya shook his head. “You said last night that no one ever saw in him what I do, and you were probably right, because…” He made a frustrated sound, “Because he always hides, from everything. But there are these moments, like that split second when he slams down a really perfect spike, when he forgets to hide or worry or apologize or whatever and it’s just… him, the way he’s supposed to be.” He looked back up at Tanaka. “But you never hide from anything.”
He let out a dry laugh. “You say to the person who just confessed to harboring a secret crush on you for more than a year.”
“It’s different,” Noya said. “You never stopped being you. You never stopped being the person that I could trust, and depend on. I mean, Jesus, you were in the perfect position to sabotage my relationship with Asahi, but-”
“Dude, I would never- ”
“Exactly.”
Tanaka stilled, staring at him for a moment before dropping his gaze. “I’m just glad you aren’t pissed. Or like, grossed out, or-”
“Dude,” Noya said, “I promise, there was like zero chance of me being grossed out. I may have straight-friend zoned you, but I’m not blind .” Tanaka’s cheeks dusted pink, and that was so weird and new and thrilling, to see that almost-shy look on Tanaka’s face and know he was the one who had put it there. He reached up and brushed his fingertips along Tanaka’s rosy skin, following the line of his cheekbone, his voice softening, “Just because I never went after you doesn’t mean I never thought about it.”
Tanaka looked up, searching, his expression soft and vulnerable, like he was almost afraid to believe what Noya was saying. “Really?”
Noya gave a small nod, and then, when the uncertainty didn’t leave Tanaka’s face, he grinned. “And did I mention that you’re a really fantastic kisser?”
Tanaka huffed out a startled laugh and looked down, his cheeks going two shades darker. “No, you didn’t.”
“You’re a really fantastic kisser,” he said, brushing the pad of his thumb along Tanaka’s lower lip. Tanaka made a soft sound, his eyes falling shut, and Noya’s voice turned soft and thoughtful, “I keep waiting for this to feel weird, or… I dunno. Strange?” He paused, cupping Tanaka’s face in his hand. “Forbidden, maybe, or wrong somehow. But it doesn’t.”
“Yeah,” Tanaka breathed, looking up into Noya’s eyes. “Can I…?”
Noya just nodded, leaning in and touching their lips together again, because it felt right and because he wanted to understand that, because the best way he knew how to make sense of a new thing was to touch and prod and push, to feel his way around it until it became familiar. This time, their kiss was less tentative and more relaxed, and the easy way they fit together made Noya hum contentedly. Tanaka smiled against his mouth, a subtle, lazy curve of lips, and Noya traced the shape of it with slow, wandering kisses. He wanted to map the terrain of Tanaka’s mouth, to memorize every inch of him, to catalogue his reactions to every slow, exploratory kiss and touch – the soft intake of breath, the blossoming warmth in his cheeks, the little rumble of pleasure in his chest. Tanaka’s hands came to light on Noya’s neck, thumbs gently stroking the sensitive skin behind his ears, and Noya gasped, parting his lips against his mouth. Tanaka moaned weakly and leaned into him, their kiss turning languid and hot and open mouthed, the smooth press of Tanaka’s lips punctuated by soft bites and the intoxicating, sultry heat of his mouth.
The angle was bad, though, the difference in their heights and their positions on the bed forcing Noya to lean and crane his neck uncomfortably and keeping him from getting as close as he wanted to be. He grunted softly and shifted, slinging a leg over Tanaka’s thighs and straddling his lap.
It became immediately obvious that this very logical and embarrassingly habitual repositioning was a really terrible idea when Tanaka instinctively gripped Noya’s waist with both hands, making Noya whine against his mouth and cant his hips forward. Tanaka let out a strangled groan and drew back, looking up at him open-mouthed, his pupils blown wide. His fingers dug into Noya’s hips, like he couldn’t decide whether he should pull him closer or push him away.
Noya found himself caught in Tanaka’s gaze, the sudden weight of the moment freezing him in place. Because they’d just found the line, and despite everything he’d said, he wanted to cross it. Wanted to grind against Tanaka again, to push him backwards and splay him out on the bed and keep exploring, to sink his teeth into him and peel him out of his clothes and find out how well their bodies fit together, to let himself believe, for a moment, that this was the only thing that mattered. Tanaka wanted it, too, their bodies pressed too close together to pretend otherwise, but Noya knew a misstep here could cost him his best friend, and it wasn’t worth the risk. Even if they both wanted it, there was too much room for regret. He knew it was too much too soon, but he had no idea how to pull away, how to tip the scale back to where they’d been and keep himself from tumbling clumsily into this new, delicate thing.
For a long moment, they just stared at each other.
Then Tanaka said, deadpan, “You smell like Daichi’s feet.”
Noya sputtered out a startled laugh, and Tanaka cracked a grin. And that was it. Boom. Sexy gone. Moment shattered. Noya laughed until his shoulders shook, and he fell forward, resting his forehead on the curve of Tanaka’s neck.
“I’m serious, man,” Tanaka said, a hint of laughter in his voice even as he trailed his fingertips lightly down the dip of Noya’s spine, “Like someone shoved all of Shoyou’s practice clothes in a gym bag and forgot about it for a week.”
“That’s just nasty,” Noya complained.
“I’m just callin’ it like I’m smellin’ it.”
Noya snorted out another laugh and leaned back. “I guess I should go take a shower then, huh?”
Tanaka’s expression softened, and he reached up and brushed his thumb gently against Noya’s cheek. “Bathroom’s out the door and on the right. You can’t miss it. I’ll bring you a towel and your clothes.”
Noya spent a long moment watching Tanaka watch him, memorizing the gentle, almost disbelieving look on his face. Then he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his lips and murmured, “Thank you, Ryuu.”
“Yeah,” he said, a little breathless, “sure.”
“I’ll be quick,” he said, sliding out of Tanaka’s lap and padding his way across the room. Tanaka’s boxers – which were a few sizes too big – were sitting dangerously low on his hips, but he waited until he was out of Tanaka’s line of sight before he hiked them up, partly because it felt undignified and partly because if Tanaka had been staring at him in his volleyball shorts, he was definitely paying attention to how Noya looked wearing his underwear, butt-cleavage and all.
The bathroom was right where Tanaka had said it was, but Noya took a moment to poke his head into the other bedroom first. It was virtually identical to Tanaka’s – about the same size, but with different windows that caught different light and empty except for a bunch of collapsed cardboard moving boxes. It wasn’t where he thought he’d spend the next year or more of his life, not the place he’d spent the last several months planning for, but it was the place he’d been daydreaming about for a lot longer than that. He didn’t let the thought linger; it was too heavy, too raw and new, and he still wasn’t quite sure what to do with it.
He ducked into the bathroom and shut the door but didn’t lock it, then took his time showering, scrubbing himself pink from head to toe and letting the caked-on grime and sweat and tears wash slowly down the drain. He didn’t hear Tanaka open the door, but when he turned off the water, he found his gym bag sitting on the counter by the sink, a towel folded neatly on top of it. He grabbed the towel and wrapped it around his waist, then started digging through his bag.
His phone was sitting on top of the pile of clean clothes, and he contemplated leaving it there. Decided resolutely that he wasn’t going to so much as glance at it for about two seconds before turning it on and unlocking it. He had three missed texts, all from Asahi, all sent sometime late the night before:
✿ ♥Asahi♥ ✿ : I’m really, really sorry about earlier, Yuu
✿ ♥Asahi♥ ✿ : I know I threw a wrench in your plans, but have you considered asking Tanaka if he’s rented out his spare room yet? Just a thought.
✿ ♥Asahi♥ ✿ : Sorry again
He stared at the phone in his hands and forced himself to breathe. Checked the urge to fling the phone to the ground, or out a window, or flush it down the toilet. Then he checked the urge to send a message back, something obscene in all caps - maybe a picture of his middle finger; repressed the grim desire to tell Asahi that, actually, yes, he was going to be living with Tanaka, and that they’d almost just-
-and that was exactly why they hadn’t. Because anger and hurt were the wrong reasons to do anything. Tanaka wasn’t a tool or a weapon to turn back against Asahi just because he was upset, and even if that wasn’t his intent, he knew it was too soon, the wound too fresh, for him to be able to keep his feelings from bleeding into each other. He held down the power button on his phone and shoved it into the side pocket of his gym bag, only to realize the pocket wasn’t empty. His fingers brushed the ring box, and before he could think better of it, he took it out and opened it. When he’d bought the ring, it had seemed like the next logical step – something inevitable – because they were young, sure, but they were rushing forward into the unknown together, and together had more weight to it than either of them did on their own. But they hadn’t been running hand-in-hand like he’d thought. He’d turned back to look and found Asahi run ragged, dragged behind him, exhausted and afraid, without a brave face left to give him.
Had he tried to make Asahi something he wasn’t? He didn’t know anymore, and it felt like it was too late to matter either way, because in the better part of a day, the only apology Asahi had been able to muster was for inconveniencing him. Asahi, who had a thousand apologies in him at any given moment, but never the right ones – never the kind that actually righted the wrong, just the kind that made rifts wider and cut wounds deeper.
Noya knew that if he wanted to fix this, he could. That he could fight and patch over and rebuild and apologize and compromise and reshape the mess they’d made into something that looked like what it had been before. But it wouldn’t be the same, and he was pretty sure if he was going to do it, he was going to have to do it alone, and that even if it worked this time, it wouldn’t be the last time he would have to pick up the pieces. And he was tired of it, tired of making things happen by himself, of pushing and pushing and pushing and never getting very far, of keeping secrets and staying hidden and running in endless circles while Ashai moved one slow step forward at a time.
He snapped the ring box shut and started to put it back into his bag. Then he realized he didn’t want it there. Didn’t want to carry the weight of it, didn’t want to feel it in the back of his thoughts, burning a hole in him. Didn’t want the reminder. He’d put all his hope in the future. Made himself believe that the two of them moving in together would fix everything. That if they could finally “be together,” that everything would be okay. But they’d been together, and he realized, now, that a change of scenery wasn’t going to change the fact that he desperately craved more commitment than Asahi was ready for, or that Asahi needed more time and space and patience than Noya had it in him to give.
He looked down at the ring box sitting innocuously in his hand. Sniffed and rubbed his nose, his face feeling pinched. Contemplated, for a moment, just throwing it away. Got as far as holding the box over the trashcan before he realized what he was doing, then let out an abrupt, startled sob, because that. That was. He took a shuddering breath and wiped the heel of his hand against his eyes, then pulled open the drawer beneath the sink and put the box in it, way in the back, where he could forget about it for now and decide what to do with it later. He braced his hands against the counter and stared down into the sink, forcing himself to breathe, slow and steady.
It was over.
The finality of it settled over him like a weight, the hurt in his chest starting to morph into something numb, which probably wasn’t better – would probably come back and bite him – but it brought with it a certain sense of calm. He fished his phone out of his bag and turned it back on, then pulled up Asahi’s last text and started typing a reply: i talked 2 ryuu n he said i cn still rent the room so dont worry abt that. He hesitated a moment, then sent the message and started typing again.
ur probly
No, that wasn’t right.
i didn’t
No.
im not
But he was. Angry. Pissed. Upset. Hurt. Confused. Heartbroken.
i hope ur ok
Send.
im sorry
He was sorry for a lot of things. Sorry for all the things he’d missed, for all the things he’d maybe done, or not done, or done wrong.
im sorry, too
Send.
He chewed his lip. Started and deleted half a dozen more messages before realizing there wasn’t really anything else to say. They’d left things with a heavy sense of finality the day before, and all the thoughts in his head were just rehashing everything they’d already talked about, all the reasons they couldn’t fix this. If Asahi’s message had said don’t leave instead of I’m sorry , if he’d filled his phone with messages of love and determination and resolve and refusal to let him go, if he’d tried to fight for him…
…but he hadn’t, and Noya understood now that he wouldn’t. Because he knew Asahi loved him, but not in the way he needed him to.
He took a steadying breath, then started a new group text to Suga and Daichi.
if he didnt tell u already, asahi and i broke up yest. i dont rly want to talk abt it but if u havent heard from him plz make sure hes ok. i dont want him 2 b alone rite now. im gonna turn my phone off but if its an emergency im in tokyo w ryuu so u cn call him 2 get me. thx guys n sorry
He reread the message, then hit send.
Before he could turn the phone off again, it dinged.
｡ﾟ✶ sugamama ✶ﾟ｡ : Don’t worry about Asahi, he’s with us.
｡ﾟ✶ sugamama ✶ﾟ｡ : We’ll make sure he’s alright.
｡ﾟ✶ sugamama ✶ﾟ｡ : Take care of yourself, Noya <3
He breathed a shuddering sigh of… relief? It felt like relief. Because Asahi wouldn’t be left alone with his thoughts, and if they’d both told Suga and Daichi… It made it truer, somehow. More final. He typed and sent a quick thx suga , then turned off his phone and set it face down on the counter.
Okay.
He was going to be fine, and Asahi was going to be fine. It was over, but that was okay, and it was going to be alright. He ran the water in the sink until it turned cold, then splashed it against his face and slapped his cheeks with his hands. It was a clean break. Mutual. Better now than in a year, or two, or five. He had a fresh start. A new school, a new team, a new apartment in a new city. A new… A different Tanaka than the one he’d graduated with hardly a month before, but that was...
He splashed more water on his face and scrubbed it with his hands. Slurped water directly out of the tap and smoothed his cool, wet palms through his hair and over the back of his neck. It was going to be okay. He repeated it to himself, again and again, as he dried off and dressed, soothing himself with the familiarity of routine. He brushed his teeth with a dab of toothpaste on his finger and poked around in the medicine cabinet until he found some mouthwash to gargle. There wasn’t any hair gel, of course, which meant he was stuck looking about four inches shorter and five years younger than usual, but it wasn’t like Tanaka had never seen him with his hair down before. He fussed with the limp strands for a moment out of habit anyway, wishing he at least had a hairbrush, then sighed and smoothed his hair down as best he could, because it didn’t really matter. There was no getting around the fact that he looked like he’d spent the better part of a day crying his guts out before going on a bender. At least he didn’t stink anymore.
He took a breath. Puffed out his chest. Told his reflection, “You’re going to be fine.” Stared himself down until he almost believed it, then opened the bathroom door and headed back out into the living room.
Tanaka looked up from his phone and sat up straighter on the sofa. “Hey,” he said gently. “How’re you feelin’?”
Noya paused, honestly considering it, then said, “Better than yesterday.” Tanaka nodded, a little crease of worry in his brow, and Noya let out a dry laugh and added, “And like I drank too much, like an asshole.”
The flicker of a shadow passed over Tanaka’s face for a moment before he put on a grin and shot back, “That happens when you drink too much, like an asshole.”
Noya huffed out another laugh, but this time it felt a little more natural. “You have anything to eat?” he asked, rubbing his eyes. They felt gravelly and dry. Scratchy. “I haven’t had anything since breakfast yesterday.”
“There’s rice and eggs and natto and probably some instant miso in the kitchen if you’re starved, but I was thinking if you were up to it, maybe we could go out to eat? It’s a little late for breakfast, but there’s some pretty good street food nearby, and I could show you around the neighborhood while we’re at it.”
It was what they would have done if this had been a casual visit, and it sounded like exactly what he needed. He wanted to move, to stretch his legs and get his blood pumping, fill his lungs with the unfamiliar air of the city. Wanted to find his footing, learn the names and faces of the streets so they would feel a little more like home, eat something warm and comforting and preferably unhealthy. Noya found himself nodding, because it sounded normal and familiar but not static; like a good first step to start moving forward. “Yeah, that sounds great,” he said.
Tanaka nodded, pushing himself up off the sofa. “Great. Let’s get out of here.”
As he followed Tanaka toward the front door, he was struck by a small, quiet feeling of hopefulness – like things were going to work out, somehow, if not remotely the way he’d expected them to. And when Tanaka tossed him a beanie to cover up his wet hair and started prattling on about the food and the neighborhood and the train station and where all the shops were and all the best spots he’d found on campus, it wasn’t strained or affected. The nagging, negative part of him said it was because Tanaka had been pretending things were normal between them for a long time, but watching him wedge on his shoes and dig around in his closet, he found he didn’t really believe that. Because things had been normal, because first and foremost they were friends, and that, at least, hadn’t changed. “Yo, space cadet,” Tanaka said, tugging on his own Karasuno coat. “Come on, I’m starving.”
“Right,” Noya said, pulling the hat on. His shoes were lined up next to a pair of Tanaka’s slippers by the door, and he spared a moment to consider them – that this was where his shoes belonged, now, because this was where he was going to live. That this was his genkan in his apartment that he shared with his best friend, who was maybe more than just a friend now. He slipped his feet into his shoes, wiggling them until they got comfortable. “Sorry, I’m ready.”
Tanaka didn’t ask him if he was okay, but it was written all over his face.
He shook off his thoughts and gave Tanaka a tired smile. “I like the new place,” he said, and meant it.
Tanaka grinned and opened the door. “It fuckin’ sucks on Saturday nights, but the price is right, and the commute to campus isn’t bad.”
“You’ll have to show me around the train station,” he said, following Tanaka out into the narrow hall.
“Yeah, sure. It’s really not that bad once you’ve seen it a couple times,” he said, pulling the door shut and locking it. “And I can… Er,” he hesitated, glanced back over his shoulder at Noya. “Should I make you a key?”
Noya quirked an eyebrow. “I would like to be able to get into my own apartment.”
Tanaka snorted, but he looked relieved. “I’ll talk to Saeko.” He waved for Noya to follow him down a narrow, rickety flight of stairs. It let out into a cramped hallway, which in turn led to a nondescript door. Once they’d passed through it, Noya realized it was butted up right against the front entrance to the bar. “How soon do you want to move in?” Tanaka asked as they fell into step beside each other and started walking down the sidewalk.
“I dunno,” he said. “I wasn’t going to move until right before the semester started to save money, but it would be good to have more time to find my way around, and I guess there isn’t really a reason to wait now that I have a place to live. I’ll talk to my parents when I go home.”
“When are you planning on going back?”
“Probably tonight or tomorrow, since I literally have nothing here but the clothes on my back.”
“God forbid you be forced to go without your hair care products,” Tanaka said, reaching over and palming Noya’s head, rubbing the beanie down against his scalp.
Noya swatted his hand away. “Man, not all of us have perfectly aerodynamic skulls, city boy ,” he said, reaching up and rubbing at Tanaka’s fuzzy head.
Tanaka ducked out of the way, dodging Noya’s attack, then held a hand to his chest, looking wounded. “That’s cold blooded, dude. You should be nicer to your tour guide.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he said, bumping their shoulders together. “So what’s for breakfast, Mr. Tour Guide?”
“What are you in the mood for?”
“You said there’s a good ramen place near here, right? Would it be open this early?”
“Yeah, I think so,” Tanaka said. “It’s a couple blocks past the station, so we can look at the train schedule on the way.”
“Cool. Maybe if I draw myself a map, I won’t get lost next time,” he said, rolling his eyes.
“Why don’t I meet you at the station when you come back?”
Noya blinked up at him, then looked down at his feet. “You don’t have to do that. I’m just bitching because I had to pay for the stupid cab.”
“Still,” Tanaka said. “It’s no big deal. Just text me when you’re a stop or two away and I’ll come pick you up.”
Noya bit his lip and nodded. “Okay,” he said. “I will. Thanks.”
Tanaka nodded and hummed his approval, but then went quiet. When they reached the end of the block and stopped at the intersection, Tanaka scratched his cheek, puffed out a breath, and said, “You are coming back, right?”
“What?”
“I mean,” he said, rubbing his head nervously, “you’re not going to go home, and see him, and like… decide to stay in Torono, right?” Noya’s eyes went wide, and Tanaka quickly held up his hands. “I mean, this isn’t. It’s not about me, or us, or the apartment or whatever. I’m not- I just want to make sure you’re not going to drop out of school or quit volleyball for him again, or something, because it would be such a fucking waste and-”
“I’m coming back,” he said firmly. The light had changed and people were starting to move around them, crossing the street. Noya frowned and grabbed onto the sleeve of Tanaka’s jacket, pulling him back toward a nearby building and out of the flow of traffic. Once they were under the shelter of the awning, he sighed and said, “Asahi and I are done, Ryuu. I’m not going to keep chasing after him anymore, and I’m not… I worked way too hard to get where I am to give it up now, and I’ve put too much on hold waiting for him already.”
Tanaka tilted his head. “What do you mean?”
“I’m going to come out to my family when I get home,” he said, “because if absofuckingloutely nothing else, I’m sick and tired of being in the closet. I don’t want keep pretending to be something I’m not anymore.”
“Honestly, I don’t know how you did it.” Noya tilted his head, and Tanaka added, “Kept it a secret so long.” When Noya furrowed his brow in confusion, Tanaka dropped his gaze and cleared his throat. “My uh, my sister already knows.”
He tilted his head, momentarily uncomprehending, then… “Because of last night,” he gasped, horrified. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”
“What? No, man, I mean, I was the one who kissed you, and-”
“No, you like, you gave me a quick little peck, and I-” He’d made out with him, sloppily, in the bar where he worked. Noya’s eyes went wide and he put his hand to his mouth, “Oh my god, Ryuu, I-”
“Dude, seriously, it’s okay. She-” he grunted irritably, then reached into his pocket, pulled out a crumpled wad of paper, and handed it to Noya. “She slipped this under the front door last night.”
“What?” he asked, even as he started unfolding the paper. He smoothed it out and turned it over, then let out an abrupt, startled laugh. The note read, in sparkly pink glitter pen: CONGRATULATIONS!!!! (finally!!!!!) with a crappy but clearly identifiable drawing of the two of them kissing, surrounded by a giant heart. “Oh my god ,” he said again, but this time he was laughing, “I’m keeping this.”
“Go ahead,” Tanaka said with a dry laugh, dropping his gaze and rubbing the back of his head. Noya folded the note in half and tucked it carefully in his pocket, and Tanaka shook his head. “Anyway, I guess she had her suspicions already. But yeah, it’s not… Now that you know, I don’t really care who else does.”
“Do you mean that?” Noya asked, reaching out and hooking his fingers with Tanaka’s.
Tanaka went pink, giving a small nod and lacing their hands together. “Yeah, I do.”
Noya bit his lip, but he couldn’t keep himself from smiling. He brushed his thumb against the back of Tanaka’s hand. “Still, I probably shouldn’t try to make out with you again while you’re working, huh?”
Tanaka gave a shake of his head, reaching up to cup Noya’s cheek gently in his hand. “I don’t care who knows.”
Noya’s breath caught in his throat, the casual intimacy of the touch making his pulse flutter and race beneath his skin. When Tanaka moved half a step forward, closing the distance between them, Noya tipped his head back, his eyes falling shut as Tanaka leaned down over him and pressed their lips together. It was as soft and tender as the first time they’d kissed, but this time it brought a rosy flush to Noya’s skin and made delighted, embarrassed pleasure bubble up in his chest. What they were doing was scandalous only by virtue of the fact that they were standing in the middle of a crowded street during the late morning rush, but when Noya leaned up for a second slow, gentle kiss, just that tender touch of lips was enough to make him shiver and curl his toes. When Tanaka drew back a moment later, he was wearing an easy, satisfied smile, and Noya had to duck his head to hide his own pleased grin. “We should probably go eat, huh?”
“Right, breakfast,” Tanaka said, like he’d genuinely forgotten. Noya laughed, and Tanaka grinned. “C’mon, I know a shortcut,” he said, drawing Noya back out onto the sidewalk, still hand in hand.