Chapter Text
Things remain quiet in Kazuki’s arms for a while. At some point, the two of them slump back down onto the pillows, Rei still tucked into his partner’s grasp as the blond drifts off. He knows Kazuki must be exhausted. He is too, but his brain is much too loud to fall asleep. He waits for Kazuki’s breathing to even out, waits some more, until he’s certain that he can slip from his arms without waking him. Swallows down a grunt of pain when he moves his arm, and stays silent as he creeps out of the room and down the hall. Kazuki would kill him if he knew he was up and around, but Rei needs to clear his head. He manages to make it downstairs, grabbing a pack of cigarettes and a cheap lighter from a high-up shelf where he hides them from Miri.
He shuffles out onto the balcony, thinking. He feels… unstable. Unstable and strangely lucid. He’s aware of every breath, every spike of pain, every blink. Swears he can hear his own pulse. It’s fucking uncomfortable . He’s used to emotions and everything he thinks being boxed up, understood but not felt. He’s not used to this level of consciousness or control. His skin feels raw in the breeze, heavy and too tight on his bones, burning and freezing all at once. God, he wants to peel it off. His chest is constricting, and he’s desperately sucking in shallow breaths of air. He moves his hands to grasp at his hair, and his lighter clatters to the tile of the balcony. Oh, right. He came out to smoke. The sound is overwhelming, sounding far too loud, but he snatches up the lighter anyway, relishing in the familiar scratch-click-puff of it lighting. Gets a cigarette out despite his shaking hands, lights up, and takes a deep drag in an attempt to calm down
It helps, but not enough.
His thoughts shift rather quickly to a train of thought he didn’t want to acknowledge. What if the arm wasn’t enough? What if his father, his father’s people, came after him, his family? Tried to get him back? Some shadowed part of his brain tells him to rip off the bandages and dig his fingers into the wound, to tear at the muscle and sinew, to make it worse. Wants to file down the fangs and claws his father spent years honing. He wonders if he were to jump off the balcony if he could fuck up his legs enough to be totally useless. Its not that long of a drop, but if he did it right–
“Rei?”
He startles, choking on the smoke in his throat, and wheezes out a “ Jesus.”.
“Fuck, sorry! I tried not to scare you, but it looked like you were… thinking.”
Rei coughs, settling his lungs, before briefly looking to Kazuki standing in the doorway. “‘S fine. Needed a smoke.” Kazuki jerks his head up in acknowledgment, stepping next to Rei in the cool night air.
“You alright? You seem…” He pauses. Stressed? Upset? On the verge of doing something self destructive, judging by that look in your eyes? “Off.”
Rei glances at him again, taking another long drag of his burnt down cigarette. “I’m fine– I’ll be fine.” He corrects himself. Even now, the comfortable burn of smoke in his lungs is bringing back that familiar, far away buzz that he’s used to. The discomfort and hyper-awareness is fading steadily. He settles back into that emptiness, and all those too-strong emotions are hidden away again, leaving nothing but dead, grey static in their wake.
Kazuki steps closer, pressing his shoulder up against Rei’s, sighing softly. “Just… just want you to be safe.”
Rei nods.
“Wish I could fix it.” Kazuki knows he can't fix it. Can't go back in time, stop the abuse, can't even promise him it'll all be okay. He knows Rei’s brain is full of hurt, fear, and regret, and he'd give anything to be able to take it all away.
“Not your fault.”
He knows, and yet he wants to tear Rei’s shitty father limb from limb, wants to get Rei the full closure he'll never have. His family is too large to take down, too dangerous to risk killing the leader. He still contemplates if it'd be worth the risk.
Kazuki sighs again. He moves to lean gently on Rei, leaving plenty of opportunity for him to step away, but he doesn't. Rei simply flicks the burnt cigarette butt to the ground and presses his cheek into Kazuki's hair as they silently contemplate their options.