Chapter Text
Time in that small, hot waiting room didn't seem to pass, on the contrary, Kyle could swear he saw the needle go back at certain moments – that's crazy, right? He settles into his hard, barely padded wooden chair, crossing his legs so his long, tired body takes up less space. His right foot begins to move frantically as soon as he finds a free space at the top. His hands are sweaty, his stomach is empty and his heart is tight. His eyes avoid looking at the rest of the room and focus on the books in front of him. There is a brief moment where the silence and the title of marriage analysis books become comfortable until the harsh sound pulls Kyle into reality. Eric is sitting next to him. Kyle turns his attention to the source of the noise and the other looks back at him almost at the same time. Kyle's gaze is soft and tries to communicate something that Eric's direct and rigid gaze refuses to understand. The redhead takes a deep breath, but before he can say anything, the door to Mrs. Bennett's office opens.
- Good Morning. Are you ready to come in?
Second Session – Eric Theodore Cartman-Broflovski and Kyle Broflovski.
- So, how are things going since our last meeting? - Mrs. Bennett asks with a friendly smile.
- Good. Great. - Eric adjusts himself on the other side of the sofa, away from his partner. His eyes seem to be focused on anything other than one of the other people in the room.
- Kyle?
Kyle takes a deep breath, his eyes staying lost on the back of his husband's head for a moment. He then adjusts himself in her place and clears his throat.
- Everything is fine. The children are in good health, the bills are paid and we have everything we need to live comfortably. - In a brief moment of silence, Kyle nibbles his lips and searches his mind for something to add. The gasp and the body slightly inclined towards the therapist indicate success. - My parents called me last Thursday and we had a long conversation.
- Great. What did you talk about? If I may ask.
- About Shabbat and the children. They were going to stay with my parents on Sunday, but that ended up not happening. - Kyle looks at Eric once again, but the bigger man ignores him. - We ended up staying at home.
- I understand. - Mrs. Bennett nods. She remains reflective for a few seconds. - Kyle, when you tell me that you guys ended up staying home with the kids, I can't let go of the idea that whatever it was you two had planned for Sunday ended up not happening. I would like to know more about this. What happened? Was it something in the logistics of the children staying with your parents, did they need to cancel or was it something between Eric and you?
- Why- why do you ask that? - Kyle seem a bit thrown off by the question. Defensive.
- Okay. - Mrs. Bennett respira fundo assumindo o que Kyle descreveria como uma postura mais profissional. - I think I forgot to say this at our first meeting, but I’ve been doing this job for almost 27 years now, and there are a few things I’ve built and cemented throughout these years as part of my core values, in and out of this room. One of these values is honesty. I believe that for this to work. - Cora signals with her hands drawing a connection between her, Kyle, and Eric. - We need to be honest with each other and honest with ourselves. I’m here to help you, that’s what here for. I may have the tools to do this but both of you bring what I consider to be one of the most important things, the materials which we’ll work with.
The woman goes back to her warmingly inviting position. She observes the couple for a second. - And I say all that because it’s quite obvious that something is happening here between the two of you. Now, I don’t have the information necessary to help you with this and that’s where I need you to help me. All I know is that we had our first session last week, you guys left here in a somewhat good mood, and this week you come back distant, emotionally and physically. - She points to their figures as far as possible from one another. - You’re both telling me that everything is fine but that something also happened this weekend that made you not go or want to go on something you had planned to do together. - Silence. - You see how that can be conflicting from where I stand? That's where I need you to come in with the honesty and fill in these gaps, so I can better help you figure things out. Does that make sense to you?
Kyle crosses his legs and arms, he looks to the side, there’s a small table next to where the man is sitting, and amongst little trinkets, there’s a picture. Kyle sees Mrs. Bennett in some place European, not that he has ever gone to Europe, but the buildings seem too crafted, too artistic and the people passing through behind her seem too smug. The shot is a fragment of time, the framed version of a peaceful and happy moment. Dever was kind of cold at this time of the year and Kyle wished he was somewhere else, not in Europe per se, but somewhere where the sun did its job, and he could wear shorts and a lot of sunscreen but still complain later about how freckled his skin got after being exposed to the smallest amount of sun. For a microsecond, he was alone in this imaginary sunny place and then he wished to be there with Eric and the kids.
- It does. - He finally replies turning back to his husband and then back to the woman in front of him. - It does make sense.
- And Eric? Does that make sense to you? - Mrs. Bennet brings her body forward a little bit more in order to search for the man’s face and bring his attention back to the room. Eric then exhales a great amount of air that even he didn’t know he was holding in his chest. The other individuals in the room wait for him patiently.
- Yeah, it does make sense, I guess. - He offers.
- That’s good. - Cora smiles. - Do you mind if I ask you were where you just now?
- I don’t know. I was just processing things, I think. Thinking ‘bout how I could contribute to this conversation without sounding angry or condescending. - For the first time since entering the office, Eric stares at the man on the other side of the sofa, he shakes one of his legs anxiously. - Here’s the thing, I just don’t feel like having the conversation Kyle wants to have. I’m just not very comfortable going down this path.
- And is it safe for me to assume that this path is related to why you didn’t go out on Sunday and why you’re distant from each other today?
- Eric shakes his head affirmatively.
- Could any of you tell me how? - Mrs. Bennett asks attentively.
Kyle looks at his husband as if he expected him to initiate things this time, but Eric just looks at him and then at their therapist. - Of course, let me just drink some water first. - Kyle se inclina a fim de se servir da jarra de água no centro da sala. The water’s cold, almost too cold, he thinks taking big gulps of it. - So. - Kyle resumes after he’s done, and the glass is back on the table. - It was Sunday morning. Eric and I woke up early and for some reason, the kids didn’t, so we just decided to enjoy each other’s company without the usual screaming and general chaos we’re so used to by now. -There’s a long pause. Kyle não parece querer seguir por esse caminho também. He takes a deep breath. - Let’s just say that the peace didn’t last long.
- May I ask why not? - The therapist looks at Kyle and he looks back at her and then at Eric. The ginger man crosses his arms. He’s passing the baton. Mrs. Bennett then turns to the bigger man. - Eric, would you like to tell me what happened? Why didn’t the peace last long?
Eric is back to his defensive pose. His shoulders are tense, and his arms are crossed almost turning into a knot. He doesn't like this; he doesn’t like talking about his feelings and being vulnerable with people other than his family and friends. But that’s the problem, isn’t it? The fact that Eric hasn’t really talked to either his family or his friends in months, not openly anyway. He’s angry and part of this anger comes from the fact that he is aware; he’s aware that he has become one of those people who others need to be careful around because if they say or do the wrong thing the night is over – I don’t feel like talking about it, I’m tired, I’m going to bed, Of course we’ll do this again, Don’t be a stranger, Don’t forget to close the doors and turn off the lights when they leave, I’m so tired.
He has always been like this. One would argue that no, Eric Theodore Cartman hasn’t always been like this. There was once a time when young Eric could only talk about himself and his feelings, there was nothing more important in the world than that little chubby boy and his ever-fluctuating set of emotions. But only Eric knew how good he was at hiding what he felt, how good he was at identifying the bad destructive feelings in him and replacing them with happier-shinier ones. How good he was at avoiding conversations and pretending like nothing ever happened. He also knew that he kind of fucked up when he fell in love and decided to marry someone who liked talking things out. Someone who felt things as they came and became even more open and transparent with which passing day. Eric thought about how hard it was keeping things to yourself and tending to your wounds when the world you’ve built for yourself feels so secure in case you need to fall apart. And he hated that he wasn’t completely there yet.
- We were taking a shower together, something we hadn’t done in years. - Eric clears his throat. He fixes his posture. - We were just talking, you know? Being stupid. - A small laugh escapes his lips. - We then talked about breakfast, the kids, our parents, therapy and that’s when... - The man scratches the nape of his neck while biting his upper lip. - That’s when Kyle thought it was a good idea to bring up Scott. - He goes for the water.
- I’m sorry. Scott?
- Eric’s brother. - Kyle clarifies.
- I see. - Mrs. Bennett nods. He sits upright and takes a minute to think about all the information she has received so far. Her shoulder falls after a moment and she exhales through her mouth like something hit her. - Is that- Is Scott related in any way to what you said last week, Kyle? About Eric and how he was or wasn’t dealing with his grief? - Cora observes the couple.
- Yeah, Scott’s the one who... He’s- He’s no longer with us.
And then what always happens when this subject is brought up happened; the most excruciating silence proceeded to fill the room. This was weird and still so otherworldly to Kyle, this type of silence, a silence that couldn’t be occupied by a silly comment or a fight over something stupid. This type of silence transformed Eric into this strange man whom Kyle didn’t know how to talk to. Is like suddenly, they hadn’t grown up together, they didn’t know how to approach each other, it felt like it was prohibited to approach each other. Kyle just wanted his friend back, he wanted to be allowed in again, and he wanted to be able to sit and listen if that’s all he could do for the other man. Eric had always been a theatrical person, as Kyle liked to say, so it was sort of scary when he became an island to which no one had access. Not even Kyle.
- Eric, could you tell me something about Scott? - The woman asked, her voice filled with care and attentiveness. Kyle’s eyes turned so quickly in Eric’s direction. He wanted to reach out and touch him, and let Eric know he was there still. - Anything you feel comfortable sharing.
Cartman then takes a deep breath and brushes both of his hands over his face before exhaling like all his problems can be expelled from his body just by doing that. He sits back on the sofa, trying to calm himself a bit. He thinks for a second before lifting his eyes to look at the woman in front of him.
- He loved bowling. - He clears his throat. - He used to participate in some sort of amateur championships with his team from back home.
- That sounds nice.
- Nah, it was just two failed Little League dads and two ex-alcoholics who couldn’t find a better hobby honestly. But they were good, I guess. I don’t know. - The man turns to look at his husband who looks attentively at him, listening to every word that comes out of his mouth. - Scott liked to say they were good.
- It sounds like he was a lovely person. - Mrs. Bennet smiles warningly at the couple before going back to her reflexive state. - Is it okay if ask one more thing about Scott? - She asks and Eric nods a little bit scared of what’s to come. - Were you and your brother always this close?
Eric looks back at Kyle for some reassurance. His husband looks back as if he could read his partner’s mind, and sometimes they liked to believe they could. Eric was still an island, but at that moment, Kyle felt like he’d received a signal, so now they’re not completely cut off from each other.
- Hum... no. We didn’t know of each other’s existence for a good part of our childhood and when we were made aware of it, we instantly became enemies and spent the following years terrorizing each other. It was stupid really.
- And Scott put up a good fight, but Eric was the most persistent 10-year-old you’d ever know so as expected he ended up winning that prankster battle against the 15-year-old. - Kyle lets out a laugh. Eric laughs too and then they fall into a comfortable quietness.
- He loved Kyle’s cooking. - The bigger man recalls. - There’s this kosher dish that Kyle usually makes for the kids when they’re feeling a little under the weather.
- Bukharan chicken and rice with vegetables. - Kyle points out.
- That one. He loved it. It kind of became his comfort food too.
- How about the kids?
- Oh, the kids were obsessed with him, but they’re obsessed with anyone who doesn't send them to bed early or makes them clean after themselves. - Both men look at each other sharing a small smile. - No, but in all seriousness, they really liked the guy. He even got two of our best friends feeling insecure because he was good with the kids, and they thought they were going to lose as their favorite uncles. - There’s a pause. Kyle doesn’t know if he should keep talking. He takes a wavering breath. - They miss him a lot, the kids and our friends. We all do. - Eric’s on the other side of the sofa biting the inside of his cheeks.
- That’s good. That he’s missed by all of you. It means he had a great impact on everybody around him. It means he was able to care and be cared for. Thank you for talking a little bit about him and sharing these stories with me. - The woman looks discretely at the clock on the wall behind the couple. - I feel like the conversation we had today was a very important one, given this, I would like to propose something.
- You're already giving us homework? - Eric jokes lightly. Cora laughs.
- Some people like to think of it as homework, yes. But I like to think of it more as a suggestion. You guys are free to do something with it or not. - She goes back to sitting upright. - Try and make plans again, without canceling this time around. Leave the kids with a babysitter or your parents and go somewhere nice. Take this time to enjoy each other’s company and talk about things; and if you feel like talking about Scott, do it. But try to talk about what’s good to remember, to work your way through the happy memories first, and make sure that you still hold space for them. You’re going to deal with the hurt and the loss as time goes by, as a family and individually. There’s no need to rush. - She gets up from her chair. - I will see you next week but until then consider taking some for yourselves, alright?
- Of course. - The couple gets up from their seats and makes their way towards the door. - we’ll think about it. Kyle, do you have the car keys? - the bigger man asks while extending his hand to the older lady. - Baruch tiheyeh and thank you for having us.
- Yes, thank you. We’ll see you next week. I have the car keys here with me, don’t worry. - Kyle follows behind his husband. - Goodbye.
- Goodbye. - Mrs. Bennett smiles back. - she then goes back to her office to prepare for her next session.