Chapter Text
Being smacked in the face isn't Stede's favorite way to wake up, but he knows what it means. Pain jolts him into full wakefulness, and with minimal hesitation, he utilizes his size advantage to pin Izzy to the bed.
"It's okay, Izzy. You're here. I'm here. You're on the Revenge. You're not with them anymore." Those promises and more are whispered into Izzy's ear as he continues to struggle—Stede is well aware that sometimes it's actually harder for Izzy if he forces him awake, so he just does his best to comfort Izzy while he's still caught up in the world of dreams.
When Stede has a nightmare, it's relatively calm. A quiet groan and a tightening of his brow, a grinding of his teeth before his breath catches and he jolts up. His whole body shakes and his breath comes in short puffs that he struggles to catch. Izzy's nightmares are much more violent. Over the years, he's trained himself not to lash out in his sleep, but there's only so much he can do while asleep. Especially with dreams like his.
It had taken a while for Stede to learn what to do when Izzy's nightmares turn fitful like this. When he lashes out and snaps his teeth and his eyes go wide and wild though his mind is still gripped by sleep. Most times, he'll simply fall into a more restful sleep while Stede holds him. Sometimes, like tonight, he'll fight himself awake. That makes things hard, as Izzy awakes being held down and his mind struggles to tell between his dream and the real world.
"Come on Izzy, you're okay, it's okay," Stede reassures as Izzy's eyes snap open and his breath catches in his throat. He lets out a high panicked noise that drops away into a choked sob. It breaks Stede's heart seeing the fear in his partner's eyes as Izzy strains against his grip. "It's okay. It's me, it’s Stede. We're okay.’
It takes a minute, but the words finally get through to Izzy, and the mist clears from his eyes as he realizes that it's not Hornigold, here for his "punishments" or Ed, back for another toe. It's just Stede. His sweet, delicate boyfriend who screams at the sight of blood if he's caused it. "Fuck, sorry, Stede."
Feeling Izzy slump in his arms is a relief, but Stede hates that the first word out of his mouth, aside from his favorite curse, is sorry. "Darling, you don't need to apologize. It's alright. I'm glad you woke me."
Izzy slowly takes in more of their surroundings. It's still dark, clearly the middle of the night, and there is no noise aside from the ship and the water. Stede is mussed from sleep, drool dried on his face and hair a complete mess. On his cheek, there's a scratch that looks fresh. Izzy realizes that he must have lashed out while asleep and caught Stede with his nail.
Guilt makes Izzy feel nauseous. He doesn't like the idea of hurting Stede, especially In his sleep when he can barely control himself. Stede doesn't seem aware of the scratch. Izzy lifts a hand once he's released and touches it. "I hurt you." His voice is hoarse, more than normal.
Stede winces. A bit of blood comes away with Izzy's fingers—when did his nails get so long? "I'm fine, dear, truly. I would much rather this than you fight these dreams yourself." Stede takes Izzy's hand again so he can't focus in on the miniscule bit of blood.
Izzy still wavers, eyes practically glued to the scratch. He hurt Stede, that's all he ever does, really. Hurt people, he deserves these dreams, he deserves—
He's shaken from his thoughts by Stede patting him on the cheek. "Izzy dear, come back to me. Don't go somewhere I can't follow.”
" I hurt you. " The words are more emphatic as Izzy repeats them, trying to stress to Stede the severity of what Izzy has done. What he always does. Yet Stede doesn't seem aware of it, staring at Izzy in that same soft way that he always does.
"You did. And you didn't mean to. You were asleep, darling. And it's barely a scratch. It'll be healed in a few days at most. I'm not upset about it, so you don't need to be either." But Stede can see that Izzy is upset about it, regardless of Stede's attempts to absolve him of any blame.
"Why aren't you upset? I always hurt people, and they're always upset. You should be fucking upset." Izzy is on the verge of tears, and he hates it. Crying is fucking ridiculous, and he won't have any part of it. It's different when Stede cries, because Stede is soft and sweet and delicate. Izzy is tough and grizzled and old. No one wants to see him cry. Even when he was young and pretty, Hornigold always smacked him across the face if he cried while they fucked.
Stede frowns. He can tell how hurt Izzy is… how much he's holding back. He leans in and presses a soft kiss to Izzy's forehead, right between his eyes. "Because I know you didn't mean it. Because I love you."
That seems to break the dam. Years of tears start to spill out of Izzy. He's gotten so good at not crying, he almost forgot what it felt like. Of course Stede would be the one to bring him to tears with his soft fucking words. His chest tightens and he sobs hard as tears streak down his face. It's embarrassing and stupid and Stede is
hugging
him as he sobs.
Stede holds him close, shifting so he can fully cradle Izzy's body as the smaller man sobs against him. He strokes through his hair, muttering, "It's okay," softly. Stede nudges him when he tries to stop himself, when Izzy tries to hold his breath or bite his lip to stop his tears. "Don't hold back," he says, and his voice is so soft and yet so commanding. "You need to cry. Come on, you can do it. You're safe with me.”
Izzy continues crying, soaking Stede's nightshirt with his tears. It's incredibly reminiscent of Stede's tears the night that he revealed his own nightmares, so Izzy does his best not to let shame take over him for forcing Stede to take care of him when he has been the one to hurt Stede. Throughout, though, Stede isn't upset, murmuring affirmations and support.
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I hurt everyone." Izzy's mantra is non-stop as he cries, though most of the words are completely nonsensical through the tears.
Once Stede understands what is being said, he holds on to Izzy as tight as possible. He hates that Izzy feels guilty, but he knows that he needs to let the tears finish before trying to make Izzy see the illogical nature of what he's saying.
When Izzy finally calms down enough that he isn't close to dry heaving with his sobs, Stede reaches up to one of the nearby shelves and pulls down one of the glass bottles of water he keeps around for when they get thirsty in the night. "Here, Izzy, drink. Just a bit." He keeps his voice soft as he puts the lip of the bottle to Izzy's mouth.
Izzy sips from the bottle obediently as he sniffles. He feels more like a child than he has in years. He wipes at his face as Stede sets the bottle away.
Stede takes his face into his hands and Izzy leans into the touch. "Better?" Stede asks. Izzy doesn't respond. He glances off to the side, eyes tired and bloodshot from crying. Stede sighs and kisses his head again. "I love you, Izzy. I need you to know that, yeah?" He strokes his thumbs over Izzy's cheeks. "You haven't hurt me or any of the others in a way that hasn't been mended tenfold. You keep us safe more than you've ever hurt any of us.”
"But Eddie..." Izzy can hardly even say it. He knows that Ed did him a lot of damage, but that doesn't mean that he didn't fuck Ed up over the years, too, by clinging on to the idea of Blackbeard so hard because he needed that structure. He hurt Hornigold with the mutiny. He hurt Jack by picking Edward as his Captain over him. His desires always hurt people.
If Edward knew that he was shacking up with Stede now, it would probably upset him enough to kill him, but Izzy can only hope that it never happens. He doesn't think he can stand hurting people he cares about anymore.
Stede strokes his fingers through Izzy's hair. "You weren't good for each other, and that is okay. You've only ever done what you thought was right in that moment—and yes, those actions may have hurt people, but it's not like they were innocent." Stede has been very realistic about Izzy and Ed's relationship, even with his care for Ed. He knows that Izzy has genuinely hurt plenty, but Izzy has also been hurt.
"Things are different now. You don't have to make decisions alone and you don't have to be scared that your choices will result in you being hurt." Stede doesn't know how else to make Izzy understand that his choices were in the past. All those ghosts were just that: ghosts.
"But what if they do?" Izzy knows the fear might be illogical, but he can't help the way he feels. The memories of everything that has happened won't go away. No matter how much Izzy tries to tell himself that they don't matter, they do. They influence him in every aspect of his life, and they've always hung over his head when making decisions.
He doesn't want to get close to anyone because his decisions could hurt them. Stede and his clown crew have been the exception to the rule, and while Izzy has allowed himself to form bonds with them, he's still afraid of them blowing up at any moment. That's the reason the nightmares bother him so much—he could hurt them and fuck up those relationships.
"Then we will figure it out if that happens." Stede nuzzles his nose against Izzy's. "Because when things upset us… we… ?"
Izzy can't help but snort a bit at that. "Talk it through."
"As a crew.” The final portion of Stede’s rhyme is said in unison.
"Good boy," Stede hums against his skin. Izzy lets out a short rumble and presses his face into Stede's chest. "It's okay if we get things wrong and get hurt. What's important is how we act afterwards. We talk about it, we apologize, we heal.”
"Why are you so good at this shit? You're terrible at talking through your own problems." Stede snorts at the open criticism.
"I just think about what I would need to hear, mostly. There's nothing to be feared from making mistakes. We're old enough that we've both fucked up more than our fair share. But we can always do better in the future." Stede kisses Izzy's cheeks before kissing him properly. In the kiss, Izzy can taste the salt of his own tears.
"So you really don't think I'm going to hurt you? Or that it won't be a big deal if I do?" Izzy has to ask when Stede pulls back.
"Of course you'll hurt me." Izzy's stomach drops. "And I'll hurt you, and we'll be hurt together. But I guarantee that no matter how hurt we are, it doesn't have to be a major issue. We can work through it.”
That makes Izzy feel a bit better, fighting off the sinking feeling in his gut. Stede presses their foreheads together. "I love you, and I know you love me. We both know that stuff like this isn't simple or without its challenges. It's just like sailing, yeah? Storms happen, and when a sail gets ripped or the rigging gets messed up, you don't burn the whole ship do you?"
"Stede, don't use a fucking sailing metaphor on me." Izzy might be whining, but he doesn't care. But Stede's been growing as a sailor and as a pirate and it has been driving Izzy up a wall.
"Hush," Stede chuckles. "You don't burn the whole ship. You mend sails and rework the rigging. We can do that, too. No matter what."
Izzy kisses him this time, mainly to shut him up. "Okay, yeah…”
It's sweet that Stede is trying to make sure that his metaphors make sense to Izzy, but it just makes him sound ridiculous. At least laughing at his partner is better than crying over his night terrors.
The actual events of his nightmare feel far away, removed from Izzy after their conversations. His demons still haunt him, of course, and he thinks that the shadows of Hornigold and Edward will hang over him forever in one form or another. Eventually, he'll have to talk to Stede about everything he's endured, and he knows that Stede will support him through every second of that confession, but tonight isn't the time for it. Tonight is just for affection and affirmation that Izzy is loved and won't be making the mistakes of his past any more.
Eventually the pair do manage to get back to sleep, Stede tracing small shapes onto Izzy's back that the man eventually realizes are constellations. Not just any, though—a few of the lesser known ones Stede had learned from some book about stars he had found on a raid months ago. Little things, which he had claimed made him think of Izzy and the crew.
Izzy drifts off, counting the lines and stars that Stede traced against the constellations of his lash marks. His senses are engulfed in Stede's warmth. He is haunted, yes, but he is also home.