Chapter Text
Matt’s new bedroom was in the attic. The nature of an attic was a silent vow to the long forgotten memories of the past, covered in dust and worn away. However, Matt had not taken the vow that he would leave these memories forgotten. While cleaning out the practically archaic items marking him and his friends’ past, he came across a box of old cassette tapes from when he was still in high school, dating back to when he met Tord for the first time. It took a little digging through his childhood to find them but as he held onto each tape, he felt a sense of nostalgia, mixed with a sense of dread so potent it could destroy his very being.
Then he laid his eyes upon one particular tape, titled:
“Tord’s mixtape for Matt”
A basic title, sure, but one that marked the function of the tape quite clearly, as younger Matt would have easily forgotten what it was for and taped over it. As he stared down at the simple cassette, he contemplated the fact that Tord knew him better than anyone else in his life, perhaps his parents, his other friends– and even himself. He ruminated on the idea that Tord had once known him well enough to know what songs he liked and had played them specifically on this tape just for him. He wondered if Tord even remembers playing this for him. His memories of their time in highschool together were hazy, yet still fond. He remembered the way his insecurity bled like ink through paper and the way Tord was always there to comfort him in his own way. Tord had unconventional methods to say the least, but he always made Matt laugh when it came down to it.
He sighed, and popped the tape into a cassette player he had found nearby. It made a satisfying crackle, and began spinning its spool with ease. The opening song began with heavy distorted guitar chords in the background and loud drum beats in front of it, which Matt was not a fan of. Leave it to Tord to interject his taste into something that was meant to be for Matt. They had fought over many things leading to their relationship ending, including the fact that both of them had this air of self involvement that did not clash well together. It was an ironic sense of self-centeredness, as they loathed themselves and made that fact very apparent to each other. Tord was much more direct with it, making self-deprecating jokes and isolating in his room, while Matt resorted to thinly-veiled insecurity hidden with false vanity. At the time of their relationship, they were two people who nobody else could stand, so they found solace within one another.
Yet as Matt sat on the floor of his bedroom, tears threatening to spill, he couldn't help but long for the times where he had found comfort in his friend Tord rather than becoming another anonymous face that hated him as everybody else had. He became a hypocrite in that very moment, his longing abruptly ended as Matt remembered the exact circumstances of their breakup with a feeling of pure hatred.
Tord was the one to initiate it, and Matt had completely blocked out the exact nail in the coffin that led to Tord’s explosion. All he had remembered is that he distinctly thought that Tord’s reasoning was valid, and Matt definitely had his flaws, but he had simultaneously hated Tord so fucking much for having the audacity to leave him.
Although, with the logical part of his brain knowing they just were not a fit for each other, his heart felt as if Tord had left him as dust in the road. He felt abandoned, even to this day. He would never forget the day that Tord had left, speeding off in his signature red car. The driveway felt so empty without that car, and Matt had felt empty without Tord. Edd and Tom were left to pick up the pieces, and they did so with as much compassion as they could have considering those two had been going strong since highschool, and clearly had no end of their relationship in sight, so breakups were not their forte.
His thoughts then turned to Edd, his longtime best friend. Edd was possibly the only other person who met Matt with compassion in his youth, and that led Matt to value Edd more than anyone else in the world. Edd has also been nothing but kind to him in his adulthood, and Matt feared that he couldn't help but fall in love with him. Even though now that Matt had grown much more attractive, and therefore garnered superficial attention and “niceness” from those around him, once they got to know him they met him with the same attitude his unattractive young self had faced. His personality was repulsive to others, the reason why unknown to him. But Edd had never once judged him for who he was despite all the jokes thrown his way, and that led to this attachment he could not shake. Edd would never be his, though. Tom was Edd’s end all be all, forever. Matt ached. He couldn't get enough of feeling lonely, could he?
He reached for his phone once again, ironically to text Edd.
Matt realized this was a subject he could never breach with his best friend.
He put the phone down in silence.