Chapter Text
"Why the hell do you wanna know?" The red haired man asked. Kunikida didn't even have his contact information. How the fuck did he obtain it, and why the hell did he bluntly ask if he had Dazai?
"He's been missing for a week now, we haven't been able to locate him," the blonde haired man paused. "You were a last resort."
"That's fucking hysterical," Chuuya stood up and walked over to his bedroom to carry on with the conversation, not wanting to stir Dazai awake from his slumber. He left the door open slightly, just enough to hear Dazai in case he awoke.
"You ever think he didn't want to be found by the Agency?" Chuuya scoffed.
"Normally, we would let him return by his own accord, however, he was acting... out of character before his disappearance," Kunikida paused. "So, Nakahara, do you have any idea where he is?"
Chuuya sighed, "He's with me."
"And what is his current condition?"
"He's a fucking infant child with cat ears." Chuuya stated.
The line went silent, the only thing you could hear was Ranpo (the ADA's detective) eating a bag of chips in the background.
"I'm going to fucking hang up if that's all you wanted to hear," the redhead sounded irritated, he told them what they wanted to hear, and now Kunikida was going silent on him, what a jerk.
"I was processing the information, my apologies, Nakahara."
"It's Chuuya to you, Doppo."
"Right, apologies."
Chuuya stopped to think, maybe he could get an answer out of the Agency as to why Dazai was like this. It couldn't have been an ability; No Longer Human is the ultimatum; the ultimate stronghold. No ability could get past it.
"We're unsure of why he was behaving oddly. Before his departure, Dazai was on edge and acted sickly. We offered our support to him, but, he kept declining. Even Yosano inspected him for any illnesses and failed to find anything. A week and a half ago, we were having a meeting when Dazai ran out in a fritz, he's been missing ever since."
So, Dazai has been stuck like this for longer than Chuuya thought, that's why he's so dirty. He's probably sick if he's been trapped as a baby and alone. Babies can't fend for themselves, all they can do is cry and hope someone hears them... and eventually tends to their needs.
Ranpo yelled something in the background. Kunikida breathed heavily through the phone, removing it from his ear in the middle. Chuuya heard ruffling and scurrying in the process.
"Mafia guy!" Ranpo yelled into the phone, causing Chuuya to move it away from his ear. "The Armed Detective Agency is practically useless here, so, you're on your own with Dazai! We'll keep you updated if we find the culprit magician, good luck!~"
Kunikida fought for the phone back. "Hey, Ranpo! Give that—"
The line hung up. Leaving Chuuya utterly confused about that whole interaction.
The door creaked open and Dazai was crawling into the bedroom with something in his mouth.
Chuuya was left in awe at the sight, "Mackerel... What's in your mouth?"
The brunette crawled closer to Chuuya's leg and sat next to his feet with his cat ears flicked back, looking up at the redhead with sleepy eyes.
"C'mere," Chuuya reached down and picked up Dazai, holding him with one arm. "Open your mouth for me, please."
Dazai turned his head.
"Mackerel... Baby, please, I won't be mad." Chuuya said as he turned Dazai's head to look at him again.
Dazai showed no signs of cooperating. What if Chuuya was mad? What if he got mad because he did something he wasn't supposed to? He didn't mean to be bad, he was hungry, so, he ate the first thing he could fit in his mouth, is that so bad?
Amidst his overthinking spiral, Chuuya had nudged his fingers into Dazai's mouth and latched onto the object, pulling it out in the process.
It was a battery.
"Sweetie... We don't eat batteries, they're yucky. Are you hungry?" Chuuya's voice sounded so calm, welcoming, and warm. He wasn't mad? Was there going to be no punishment?
"How about some bread, hmm?"
The brunette shoved his head between Chuuya's neck and shoulders, letting out a quiet groan.
"There's not much else you can eat, Mackerel..." Chuuya cooed, and then he chuckled to himself. Back in their Mafia days, Dazai was so fucking stubborn and difficult that it made Chuuya want to scream. But, he had to remain calm. Dazai was like this for a reason, if he drove everyone away with his difficult demeanor, no one could hurt him. 'Hurt them before they hurt you.' That was his motto, both in and out of little space. Of course he was no different as a baby.
"A bottle instead, then?"
Chuuya wanted to get something into the brunette's tummy before giving him a bath. Preferably, something light and easy to digest. Dazai has always had a very sensitive stomach, which is why he had to be forced to eat during their Mafia days. He probably doesn't even take care of himself as an adult; doing the bare minimum to stay alive until he can commit the perfect double suicide with a beautiful woman.
From what Chuuya can remember from their time in the Mafia together. Dazai was like a vampire, it was so hard to understand him and his antics. He was impulsive but also repulsed. He was loud and had a brash personality, but also extremely avoidant and distant. He was the definition of an oxymoron. Each and every one of his characteristics were opposites of each other. There was no understanding the mind of Dazai Osamu; the Demon Prodigy.
Chuuya walked to the kitchen where the formula was and repeated the procedure to make a bottle, the flavor was vanilla, something easy to digest.
"No!"
Chuuya, surprised, blurted out; "Oh, so you can speak?"
"No!"
"No, you can't speak?"
"No! No! No!"
"Is that all you can say?"
"No!"
"Mackerel, you're fussy..."
"No!"
"Are you hungry?"
"..."
"I'll take that as a yes."
Chuuya walked over to the couch and Dazai was... difficult on the short journey there to say the least. He attempted to kick Chuuya with all his might, ultimately failing as his limbs were too short. He then tried biting Chuuya, but the redheads pain tolerance was very high thanks to Dazai hitting him constantly as a "joke" when he was in the Mafia. Those were the only two things the brunette could really do besides cry, which, he didn't have the energy for.
Chuuya sat down, laying Dazai on his lap, with his head resting on his arms. He nudged the bottle between Dazai's lips and he was surprisingly cooperative.
"Geez, you were hungry," Chuuya stated, but, Dazai's eyes weren't paying attention to him, they were fixated on the switch that was on the table. Mackerel pointed and turned his body towards it.
"Do you wanna watch me play?" Chuuya asked, receiving a happy hum in response.
Chuuya reached over and grabbed the switch, accidentally pushing Dazai's bottle out of his mouth. He quickly nudged it back in there before Dazai could even think about fussing.
The redhead scrolled through his long list of games, he had a bit of a shopping addiction, which led to him having more games than needed.
He settled on five games for Dazai to pick from; Animal Crossing, Stardew Valley, Garden Story, Pokémon Snap, and Untitled Goose Game.
"Which one of these sounds appealing to you, Mackerel?" Chuuya subtly tilted the screen so Dazai could see better.
The brunette pointed and clicked on Animal Crossing. 'It's still his favorite... interesting.' Chuuya thought.
The redhead loaded up his island and it was pretty boring, he only had four villagers on it, and all of them seemed uninteresting.
Dazai shot a judgy glare at Chuuya.
"What? I got really unlucky with the first two and haven't been able to find good villagers," he attempted to explain, but Dazai was not having it.
A few minutes later, Dazai finished his bottle and attempted to cradle himself on Chuuya's chest.
"Do you want to sit up?" Dazai hummed in response.
Chuuya sat Dazai on his lap and let him watch the villagers. He pointed his fingers across the screen, showing Chuuya that he wanted him to buy a Nook Ticket to go to another island.
"Alright, alright," Chuuya chuckled. "But I'm telling you, I have bad luck."
The redhead bought the ticket and ran towards Dodo Airlines, buying a ticket from Orville and got on a plane with Wilbur. If Chuuya remembered correctly, Dazai loved getting on a plane with Wilbur since he found his voice funny.
Dazai giggled and his cat ears flickered in content at the sound of Wilbur's mutters.
"Yeah? You like him, baby?" Chuuya teased, and Dazai hummed in glee.
They landed and Chuuya searched the island. "See, Mackerel? This game hates me..." Chuuya saw that the island was empty.
Dazai violently tapped on the screen, telling him to go left.
"Dazai... I don't think there's going to be anyone—"
Chuuya was interrupted by something walking in the distance, there was a fire burning and something walking around.
"Chibi!" Dazai slurred around his fingers and grabbed at the screen, his kitty ears standing straight up in the air.
It was Tangy; a peppy cat villager with an orange leaf on her head, she was fairly uncommon if Chuuya remembered correctly.
"Yeah? Is that me?" he chuckled.
Dazai tried maneuvering the persona over to Tangy.
"I'm inviting her, calm down," Chuuya giggled at the sight of Dazai being so cute and excited to add an orange villager to the island.
They flew back with their new friend added to the island and purchased another Nook Ticket, flying to another island.
"I think last time you were lucky, Mackerel—" Chuuya was interrupted by Dazai's happy squeal as they both bestowed their eyes upon an octopus villager.
It was Zucker; a fun octopus villager, one of three in the game.
"Chibi!!!" Dazai's ears were flicking back and forth in happiness.
"I guess the game likes you better than me, Osamu." And Chuuya added Zucker to their island as well.
They flew the villager back to the island after stealing some wood and apples off the trees to plant on their island.
'Shit, I still need to bathe him.' He knew this was going to be hard and expected the worst to come; war.
Chuuya turned off the switch and set it on the table. Dazai looked up at him with sad eyes, he didn't want the switch to go away, he wanted to keep playing.
"Honey... I know you want to keep playing, but I don't want your retinae burning."
Chuuya unsuspiciously picked Dazai up and walked towards the kitchen to grab another onesie and a diaper from the bags he still hadn't unpacked. He then walked towards the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. He went to turn on the bath, putting the water at a warm temperature since he knew Dazai didn't like hot baths, and plugged the drain in the process.
Dazai looked at him with a face of utter betrayal, his ears planting against his head with a vengeance.
"Mackerel... With all do respect, you're stinky."
Chuuya sat Dazai on the sink top and began to unbutton his onesie.
"No, no, no!" Dazai attempted to fight and failed miserably; kicking his legs as much as he could and throwing his arms in the air like an inflatable noodle man. He screamed at the top of his lungs as if he was playing in an opera, surely causing Chuuya's ears to bleed; or, at least causing him to go slightly deaf.
"Dazai, fighting isn't going to get you out of it." Chuuya stated as he finished undressing Dazai.
He carried him to the tub of water, feeling it again to make sure it was just the right temperature. The water was fairly shallow, as he didn't want Dazai to attempt to drown himself if he had to leave to get something.
"Please, stop thrashing, you're going to hurt yourself..."
"No, no, no!"
Chuuya plopped Dazai into the body of water and tears rolled down his face. Baby really didn't want to take a bath, but, Chuuya knew it was going to be a challenge either way.
"Dazai..." Chuuya groaned, it broke his heart to see him crying like this, over something so simple as well. Maybe Dazai had a fear of water that he didn't tell him about, or maybe it was trauma inflicted?
Chuuya sighed in defeat... But, he remembered that he kept most of Dazai's age regression gear from his time in the Mafia. He went to go look under the sink for some bath toys, and there was a shitton. He completely forgot how much he used to spoil Dazai when he was regressed.
The redhead grabbed a glowing octopus that swam in the water, a robotic toy crab that blew soap into the air, a few rubber duckies, a shark bubble machine that could sing, and a waterworks pipe that he remembered Dazai loved. He also grabbed different color water dyed for Dazai to choose from; blue, purple, and pink.
"Dazai~" Chuuya cooed and showed him the variety of toys that he kept. "Hopefully, this can make it more bearable for you," Chuuya chuckled.
Chuuya let the floaty toys float and stuck the waterworks pipe onto the wall, he grabbed a nearby cup off of the floor and scooped water into it, pouring it into the waterworks pipe.
Dazai's wails ceased as he was enthralled by all the toys, and as anticipated, he was especially captivated by the waterworks pipe, going to touch it immediately as water was poured down it.
"Psst, Mackerel, wanna choose a color?" the redhead held up the three water dyes that Dazai could choose from, Dazai chose blue. Chuuya then added a few drops into the water and watched the color change from clear to a sea blue.
Now, Dazai was splashing in the water, playing with all the toys and dumping water in the waterworks pipe. Chuuya was so glad that he managed to make this a happy experience for the slippery Mackerel.
Chuuya began to gently wash Dazai's fluffy brown curls, opting out of attempting to wash his face since that would be a battle of its own. He made sure to get behind his ears and the back of his head, getting all the mucky goo out.
After a few minutes, Chuuya scooped water onto Dazai's head to rinse the soap out—covering Dazai's forehead with his hand to avoid water going down his face.
He let Dazai play until he got tired.
Fifteen minutes passed and Dazai was yawning in the bathtub, surely, he was clean by now.
"Are you done, baby?" Chuuya said as he picked Dazai up in his arms whilst he was sitting on the floor. He has a towel ready to dry Dazai off, wasting no time.
The baby was putty to his touch, yawning before the towel was even fully wrapped on him.
"You're pretty exhausted now, aren't you?" Chuuya cooed, as he was putting the hoodie of the towel over Dazai's wet hair.
He finished swaddling him and went to drain the water out of the bathtub, Dazai didn't even fuss about it. He left the toys in there as he would clean them up later when Dazai was asleep for the night.
Chuuya grabbed the clothes off of the sink top with one hand while Dazai was in the other, turning off the bathroom light in the process. He then walked to his room and sat both Dazai and the clothes on the bed.
The baby groaned as he was put down.
"I know, I know, baby. But, I need to grab lotion so you don't get itchy," Chuuya stated as he grabbed lotion out of his nightstand and immediately returned to Dazai.
He pressed on the pump a few times and began to put lotion on Dazai.
Dazai fused at the coldness of it, "I know, I'm so sorry, but we don't want your skin getting dry."
Chuuya finished applying the lotion as quickly as he could, wiping the access on the towel. He then dressed Dazai in a cute, bear sleeper onesie, putting the hood up to ensure he'd stay warm.
"There you go, see? Now you're all nice and clean." Chuuya said as he got up and instinctively started bouncing Dazai in his arms to coax him to sleep. It didn't take long before quiet and gentle snores came from behind the fingers in Dazai's mouth, slippery Mackerel.
Chuuya laid Dazai down on the bed, covering him up with two blankets so he wouldn't get cold, he swapped his fingers for his crab pacifier. He stayed with the younger until he felt that he wasn't going to wake up.
Chuuya exited the room to go go to the bathroom to clean up the mess he and Dazai made.
The redheads phone buzzed in his pocket, he turned it on and checked the notification and his heart sank to the bottom of his stomach.
(000-000-0000)
Can you bring Dazai over to the Agency?
- Ranpo Edogawa