Chapter Text
Dazai peeked around Gojō, looking at the table smasher. “Is that a child?” he queried inquiringly.
Swiftly, the figure dressed in bandages and white robes was at the child’s side, checking their vitals.
“They seem to be alive, no major visible damage.” They said, picking up the child gently. “We should find a doctor.”
“I know a doctor!” Dazai exclaimed, before anyone else could even think of speaking. “She’s very intense!” He gave a thumbs up.
“I also know an intense doctor! She’s into cutting people up. They could be friends!” Gojō said goofily.
“Ahahahaha, anyways, uh, which way is the doctor’s?” the guy in white asks, sweating.
“This way!” Dazai strode forward, yanking Chūya behind him via his collar. Chūya howls in anger, for he was busy secretly collecting all the number one cards from the floor to hide in his sleeves.
“I’m Xiè Lián, by the way, and this is uhh–” the guy in white robes gets cut off suddenly by the man in red.
“Huā Chéng, his husband.” Huā Chéng smiles coldly. He does not look happy.
“Did you get taller, by any chance?” Gojō asked, looking at Huā Chéng—or seeming to. It was hard to tell with the blindfold.
“Why would I have suddenly gotten taller?” Huā Chéng smiles, this time teasingly.
Gojō responds with an infuriating smile of his own. “I’m quite positive that you were an inch shorter than me mere moments ago. And for some reason, you’re now an inch taller than me. You’re not jealous of my plentiful height, are you?”
“Why would I be jealous of your height? Didn’t you just say I am taller than you?” Huā Chéng looks pleased with himself.
“I said you became taller than me. Which, if you’re not jealous, seems terribly odd.” This is all said with an infuriatingly cheerful voice.
“Haha,” Dazai finds the tall mens’ conversation funny. “At least you’re not short like the hatrack,” he jabs a thumb in Chūya’s direction, nearly poking his eye out since Chūya is standing next to him.
“Watch what you're doing, you actual grub from a pile of poop that a chicken ate and spat back out. Did you know that chickens actually can’t throw up, so you as pond sludge must’ve been actually disgusting?”
Dazai is used to tuning Chūya’s angry cries out, so he just keeps walking. He doesn't hear Chūya screaming at him to pay attention to him, because he’s ignoring him.
Chūya keeps ranting at Dazai for the several minutes it takes them to get to the Armed Detective Agency, but Dazai continues to tune him out, in favour of listening to Huā Chéng and Gojō’s banter. Gojō displays passable wit, doing a beautiful job of making Huā Chéng bristle.
Xiè Lián appears to have broken out in a cold sweat, and is attempting to make placating motions. Owing to the fact that he’s carrying the mystery child, he’s not very effective.
He stops himself a moment before he can accidentally fling the child to the ground in an attempt to wave his hands around.
“San Lang…” Xiè Lián says pleadingly. Huā Chéng glances at him briefly before turning back to Gojō, his expression murderous. If looks could kill, Dazai is sure that Gojō would be an unrecognisable pile of mush underneath Huā Chéng’s heeled boots.
“Please, just think about how much blood would get on my white robes 🥺” Xiè Lián pleads. (Gojō seems incredibly amused by this notion.)
“Gēge, you need not worry about such things. I would never.” Huā Chéng stares lovingly at Xiè Lián and Xiè Lián smiles contentedly.
Dazai is not sure if Huā Chéng means that he would never kill him, or if he means that he would never let Xiè Lián’s robes get dirty. He suspects it’s the latter.
Dazai, deciding that the attention needs to be focused on him again, exclaims, “Here we are!” with a flourish, indicating the red brick building that houses the ADA.
He turns to Chūya. “Now, be a good little doggy and wait outside.” He gestures vaguely at the sidewalk.
Chūya's eyes glow red and he makes several ineffectual swipes for Dazai’s head. Dazai dodges, not even looking at him, and opens the door. “After you, gentlemen.”
Xiè Lián nods graciously and walks forwards, careful not to smack the child's head on the doorframe . Huā Chéng follows him close behind. Huā Chéng is not smiling.
Gojō is though and he ducks cheerfully under the door, grinning widely.
Dazai stands patiently, tapping his foot, but Chūya is hesitant, his eyes shifting nervously for a second. He rolls his eyes and pushes past Dazai. “Not like you could keep me out, Mackerel,” he scoffed.
Dazai rolls his eyes fondly in return, and saunters up the stairs to the third floor, hands in his pockets. He kicks the door open, the door jamb banging into the wall. “I come bearing guests of varying heights!” he exclaimed proudly.
Kunikida looks up from his paperwork.
"Dazai, this is a detective agency, not a zoo. Why did you bring a tour group." He demands irritably.
"Well… you see, studies have shown that being observed by strangers while you work greatly improves your happiness, work ethic- hey, you should be writing this down!"
Kunikida nods and starts furiously writing.
"Haha, just kidding!" Dazai slaps his knees like an enthusiastic grandfather.
Kunikida’s pen snaps as he clenches his fist around it, and lunges for Dazai, grabbing him by the lapels. Gojō laughs delightedly at them , but quickly grows bored and goes snooping.
"Um," Xiè Lián hesitates. "Uh, this child is, um, they require medical attention; that is, if you wouldn't mind taking him to a doctor? Mr… uh the Other bandaged man said that you guys could help?"
Kunikida drops Dazai into a heap on the floor and pushes his glasses up his nose, lenses flashing dangerously. “I would suggest you go to the hospital. This is a detective agency.” He sits back down, tapping away at his laptop.
Dazai picks himself up off the floor, straightening his clothes.
He walks over to a nondescript door in the background and knocks three times.
"Ms Yosano! Please help, this child is dying!"
There’s the sound of a revving motor, and the door slams open, almost flattening Dazai. A woman stands there, chainsaw in hand, a maniacal grin on her face.
"Someone needs medical attention?!" she says gleefully.
The blond kid takes this exact moment to revive himself. He leaps out of Xiè Liáns arms, glancing around his eyes wide with fear.
"Who ARE you people?!" he screeches, preparing to do something as lighting sparks around him.
"DANGER!" Kunikida yells and lunges for him.
The blond kid leaps out of the way and jumps valiantly out the window.
"Ah! It's the fourth floor, you idiot!" Kunikida yells, rushing over to the window.
There is a splat noise.
Safe to say, the people in the agency can guess that the blond kid has now passed away.