Chapter Text
”I spent so much time
believing all the lies
to keep the dream alive.”
- Billy Idol
The bathroom door slams behind him as Suguru fumbles to turn the lock.
Finally.
He leans his head back against the wall and waits for his heart to steady, his breaths to slow down. An embarrassed flush, however, still stains his cheeks a bright pink as he makes his way over to the bathroom mirror; his gaze meets Satoru’s face, lingers over the gentle slope of his nose, the strands of hair that frame his face like wispy clouds.
Satoru has always looked heavenly. Standing here now, Suguru feels as though he’s sullied him, desecrated something pure through his own base thoughts and actions.
He turns on the tap and brings the cool water to his face, silvery cold to wash away his impurities.
(If only it could.)
“Shit.” He breathes. “Shit, shit, shit!” He tightens his hands around the smooth edges of the sink until his knuckles turn white, staring up at the water droplets rolling down Satoru’s face, the soaked ends of Satoru’s bangs.
“What the fuck is wrong with me.” Suguru feels as cold shame seeps into his blood, disgust pulsing through every vessel. “I’m such utter…”
Garbage. Trash. Waste.
Perhaps it was Suguru himself that was nothing more than a filthy animal. Perhaps he was the monkey, the parasite leaching off of Satoru. Using him, objectifying him.
God, I’m so fucking disgusting .
Now that the warmth in his gut has dissipated into a cool shame Suguru only feels a lingering sense of fatigue, his eyes heavy, his body numb from the strain and injuries of the day before. He feels…dirty, like he wants to scrub the grime coating his insides, black and hot and searing in all the ways he shouldn’t be feeling towards his best friend. He wants to scrub the reminder of that heat from the very pale skin he’s wearing, until he’s raw and red, hiding in the familiar shadows of his own body. The stretches of skin that drive his mind crazy, eyes darting over milky swathes of flesh into infinity, rub them raw until they turned to dust, only bright molecules floating in the wind.
Satoru’s molecules would settle over the green-blue translucent glint of the sea, the sparkling light shining through forgotten pathways in evergreen forests, rays of dawn dancing through silky curtains on a Sunday morning.
He hears Satoru's call from the next room. He’s brought back to the crisp, clean bathroom and linoleum tiles, the tap that’s been running too long still rattles in the sink.
He turns it off, glancing in the mirror as he turns to leave.
It’s strange, when something you hate wears the mask of something you love. The ultimate paradox. Suguru’s insides feel jumbled up, conflicting, like writhing snakes before they suffocate, injecting their poison into their own tails.
Suguru knows that feeling well.
-
He’s greeted by a sunset smile and warm, half-moon eyes that gesture toward the empty space on the hospital bed. He settles down next to Satoru, this time keeping his distance, a distinct gap between them on the bed.
It feels like a canyon.
His body is stiff, the previous warm and familiar atmosphere has been shattered like glass, like the mirror in the bathroom Suguru wishes he could have smashed, fractured that perfect face into a thousand, smiling pieces.
If only I could, Suguru wonders, If only I could leave him, quit him, shatter him into smithereens until nothing remained. Maybe then it would be easier.
But who is he kidding? He needs Satoru like he needs the very air that fills his lungs, the blood running through his veins, every atom of his flesh revolves around those smiling eyes and that crooked grin.
But something’s wrong and they both know it. Suguru watches as Satoru’s smile dissipates, his eyes widen and his eyebrows furrow. He’s worried, as if he isn’t the one lying in cast on a hospital bed. As if this wasn’t all Suguru’s fault. Why is it that when he’s there, all the smiles seem to flicker out like burning candles? God has no remedy for a sinner like him.
He feels swollen, too large for an ever tightening space, stretched out like a star before it collapses in on itself, and Suguru won’t go quietly, retreat slowly and fade.
When he goes, he’ll become a black hole. No light will escape.
He wonders if he were to go back to the day he was born, to walk down the pristine walls of the hospital to where his cradle lay amongst all those other screaming monkeys, would he wrap his hands around that chubby little neck himself? Would he squeeze until his own strangled monkey cry went silent? Until his arms went limp, his lips breathless?
What if a star died before it could do too much damage? Before it burst and broke and left behind only a shattered mess to burden other people with.
It would be better if he were just gone. Nothing but a sigh in the wind, the cold rush of air that runs down your spine and then disappears. He’s lived long enough to see smiles after sunrise and movies at midnight and maybe that’s enough.
Maybe it’s enough to just have felt that love once. Because he did, he does, feel it. He feels it every minute, every second and it burns and it blazes and it’s full and it’s bright and it’s alive and he loves, he loves those blue eyes, that boyish smile, that mole on his cheek, the sound of his voice when he laughs, his hands, his face, his heart, his veins, his blood, he loves every atom of his flesh as if it were his own.
He loves him too much to keep hurting him like this.
Maybe it’s all just enough now. This is where his story ends, nothing new to see or do. No more people to love, no more tears to shed, no more blood to spill. Maybe there are some people that are just too far gone to be fixed, irrevocably broken, flawed. Because if you got rid of the darkness from Suguru, he’s not sure how much would be left.
But then he feels a hand in his own. It’s warm, and his thoughts go silent.
“You take life too seriously, Suguru.”
It’s quiet save for the ticking of the clock, the fluttering of the curtains against the summer evening breeze.
It’s quiet. Suguru’s mind slows, the frenzy settles. He looks into his own dark eyes, looks at the small smile on his features but sees only Satoru underneath. Feels only Satoru’s warmth and care that he won’t really ever explicitly say but will always show, how he’ll work himself to the bone for the sake of the people he loves.
And then it snaps inside Suguru, or rather, it ends the battle he’s been waging against himself. Maybe he’s drunk off the summer evening or the stress of the fight yesterday or maybe this is something that’s been long overdue, gone long unsaid between them only conveyed through too long touches and stolen glances, eyes meeting across the room and lingering, but Suguru is going to say it now. Although broken, although chipped and charred and fractured, he’ll say it. And when the words leave his lips they’ll be the truest words he will ever utter.
And so what if there’s nothing left of him when the darkness leaves him, he’ll devote himself to the only light he knows, the only true, good, tangible thing he’s ever come across.
Suguru takes a deep breath, memorises the feeling of their hands intertwined, that pleasant feeling, once more, and with the peach-sweet summer breeze filling his lungs, speaks, his eyes fixed on his own.
“I love you.”
The smile on Satoru’s face is the reason the word beautiful was even ever thought of, it is every star, every sunset, every sunrise, every waterfall, every precious jewel, mineral, building, book, letter, thought encompassed. It is every note of a symphony and every brushstroke of an artwork.
“I’ve always loved you, I think I always will.”
And he feels the snakes slither back inside him, the writhing darkness settling inside his gut, but there’s something else too - less bite, less rage, more contained and right there, in the centre, beating quietly but faithfully, is his own heart.
Oh, he thinks, he’s healed it. The shrivelled blackened machine that had been keeping Suguru going was now alive . The gaping wound in his chest closed up and brought back to life.
He breathes out. The searing pain is missing. Funny, he’d forgotten what it was like to live without it. He looks again at Satoru, the real Satoru, lips slightly apart, face sweet as spun sugar and stares into his smiling eyes like he’s found home, mesmerised.
Satoru wets his lips, once, twice and blinks slowly. “You…You do? Are you sure?”
A faint blush settles over his cheeks, Suguru resists the urge to take them in his hands and cradle them - precious as a newborn baby.
“Satoru.” He says, with his own voice now. “There is only one thing that I am sure about, that I have ever been sure about, and it’s this: I will love you until the world ends, in every shape, in every form. As long as mothers kiss their children goodnight, friends wait for each other to walk home on hot, still summer evenings, lovers share silent, gentle nights, humans worship the Gods and Stars in the sky, as long as there is love, as long as there can be love, I will love you.”
He breathes, not looking at Satoru, there’s still so much he has to say. Then, he feels hands pull him closer, foreheads touching. He stares into the oceans in Satoru’s eyes, bright and playful, like dolphins lie beneath the depths,
“Suguru…” He says, and his voice is like birdsong.
“I know I’m messy and flawed and broken, but dammit, I can’t help it anymore. I can’t make it go away, Satoru. So, we don’t have to talk about this ever again, we can forget it ever even happened. Hell, if you need me to leave you alone for a while I can do that, I just…for once in my life I had to tell the truth, get it off my chest. Sorry.” He runs his hand through Satoru’s hair, cradling every strand as if it were something infinitely precious
“You know you’re so stupid sometimes, Suguru.” Satoru hums against him, voice impossibly fond, head leaning into the touch as he lifts himself up to look at Suguru, deep into his eyes. “How can you not have noticed I’ve loved you all along too.”
And then the well inside Suguru breaks. His hands shake as he reaches for the sides of Satoru’s cheeks, he’s almost desperate as he brings their faces together till their noses brush, he nuzzles his cheek against Satoru’s before moving to chastely kiss his neck, once, twice, three times, still hesitant - he doesn’t know if this is allowed, to touch, to feel, to taste something untouchable, fleeting, ephemeral, as though Satoru will just disappear on the wind. He pulls away and looks into Satoru’s eyes, still endlessly blue and in this light, clouded over by something Suguru won’t dare to name, they’re almost liquid, melting and reforming, fluid and sparkling.
And Suguru could look away, he should , but he doesn’t.
Instead, he drowns.
Satoru’s cheeks are slightly flushed, tinted peach-pink in the afternoon light, his hair unkempt and ruffled and his lips are set slightly apart.
(He’s beautiful - of course he is. But beauty is not what draws him toward Satoru, he could have been the foulest, most repulsive creature to have ever lived and in that moment, Suguru would have thought he was still radiant.)
His eyes meet Satoru’s. They’re asking a question.
Are you sure? They ask.
Satoru nods, his eyes flutter closed. Waiting.
Suguru jerks forward, taking a moment to summon up enough courage for a monumental task. He moves back, looking at Satoru’s waiting face, infinity down, the golden light filling the room with honey so saccharine sweet he can almost taste it, he doesn’t think anymore. He leans forward and kisses his best friend.
It’s short, weighed down by nerves and baggage and enough teenage angst to last a million lifetimes, but it’s perfect. It’s right.
They pull apart and Satoru’s eyes flutter open, he’s grinning. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you how long I’ve been waiting for you to do that.”
Suguru rolls his eyes. Still, he can’t help the smile that finds its way onto his face as Satoru wraps his arms around his neck and jumps on him, pushing their mouths together sloppily as they both smile into each other's lips.
“I love you so much.” Satoru says into his mouth.
“You saved me.” He says back, kissing around Satoru’s face. His eyes, his lips, his nose, his cheeks. Satoru laughs and it sounds like music. “I can’t believe you actually like me.”
“Of course I do, moron. You’re you.” Suguru’s eyes linger again over Satoru’s face, tracing the slope of his nose, the crinkle of his smiling eyes.
“I guess true love broke the curse after all?” He grins. “We’re back in our normal bodies.”
“Yeah, it would have been totally weird making out with myself.” He says, burrowing into Suguru’s chest. Suguru wraps an arm around him, sitting up against the headboard of the bed. “But I did like being able to take care of you for a while, you’ll carry on doing it now, right? You won’t give up again? For me?”
Suguru glances down at him, sees the earnest look in his eyes and hears the sincerity of his words. It’s hard, harder than he thought it would be, to forgive himself. There’s still a part of him that still feels like scum, like he doesn’t deserve to be happy. No matter how hard we want them to, those feelings don’t go away. Shadows are evidence of sunlight; there must be dark in order for there to be light.
It will be hard, he thinks, but it’ll be worth it. To be strong enough to protect the people he loves.
He nods and Satoru grins. “Good. I’ll still help you, of course, but it’s still up to you to forgive yourself Suguru.”
Suguru runs a hand through Satoru’s hair. “You’ve also got to look after yourself, Satoru. I don’t want you to overwork yourself. I’m here for you always, you got that? For me, you come first.”
“I don’t need that Suguru, I can take care of myself-“
Suguru clamps a hand over his mouth. “No, idiot, you don’t have to carry everything on your shoulders anymore, we’re a team, right? A duo.”
Satoru looks up, slightly dazed. “Right…” his voice trails off before his brows set into a more determined line, as though he’s trying to convince himself. “Right. We’re together. Together.”
“You don’t have to be alone anymore, I’m here for you now.” Suguru does his best to comfort the uncertainty he feels inside Satoru. A pang of guilt resounds inside his chest.
Satoru looks up at him. “I’m just scared…What if…What if it all just goes back to how it was before…? I don’t know if I could lose you again Suguru. I think I’d lose a part of myself if you left. I just…don’t know…”
Suguru pulls him into a tight hug.
Maybe if I squeeze hard enough, he’ll know, know that I’ll never leave him again, that if I did it would be suicide.
It’s his fault, everything seems to be these days. But Suguru, for once, won’t wallow in self pity, won’t brood like some gothic, Byronic hero, he’ll face it head on. He’ll work to smooth over the cracks he’s caused, not smash it all out of spite.
“It’s okay, I won’t leave you again, Satoru. You’re a part of my soul, my heart beats in your chest, my blood runs in your veins. It’s not that I just want you, Satoru. I need you, I need you like I need food or water or oxygen. I need you so much it almost hurts. I won’t leave you, I couldn’t leave you without killing myself, it almost hurts me to even think about it. Everything only makes sense when you’re near me, understand? You don’t have to worry anymore, I’m here for you. Call, and I’ll come running, don’t call and I’ll still be here until you get sick of me and go off and find something better, and I’ll still be here, trailing after you, chasing sunlight.”
“Suguru…” He says, into his neck. “I love you. I’ll never find anyone who I’ll love as much as you. You really promise you won’t leave?”
Suguru threads his fingers through Satoru’s hair, voice breaking a little as he gets the words out. “I swear it.”
“I love you, Suguru. Always have, always will.” Satoru smiles.
“It’s been hard, but I promise you, Satoru. I’m going to do everything I can to make it better, you won’t have to be hurt again.”
There’s a new resolve inside Suguru in the fading Summer light, amongst the pristine sheets of the medical office, something has shifted. A flame rekindled, hope reawakened. There is not all good in life, but there is not all bad. The most we can do is wake up each day and appreciate that we are alive, that we aren’t alone, that we can cry and laugh and love and hate and feel. To be alive is the greatest gift in all the cosmos; you can’t waste it, but it’s important to recognise the gift you have and to truly live. To love with all your heart, to see the beauty around you.
We only get one life, it is up to us to use it wisely or unwisely, but to enjoy every second of it, the good and the bad and to surround ourselves with people that we love.
Suguru won’t waste this opportunity. He’ll seize his life back, suck the marrow out, live with every atom of his being, love with his whole heart.
His heart is beautiful, he’s seen it through Satoru’s eyes.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; Satoru just opened his eyes to it.