Chapter Text
Mango >>> Jimmy Bufetttttttts Daiquiritown
Mango: WikiHow would never lie to me, right????
Barold Bluebeans: I mean, it depends. Anybody can edit that thing.
The Full Merle: who the heck is wikihow
Barold Bluebeans: It’s a website, Merle.
Mango: yeah but it has 8 co-authors!! ONE OF THEM IS EVEN NAMED BARRY!!!
Mango: So i can totally trust it and ignore everything else to the contrary.
Barold Bluebeans: NO?
Barold Bluebeans: I mean. This is a bit, right? I don’t have to actually tell you why that’s intellectually dishonest, right?
Mango: … well it’s not really an intellectual matter…?
Barold Bluebeans is typing.
punch a shitty movie: I think it’s going to take Barry a hot minute to finish that rant of his, so I’m going to jump in and be the devil on your shoulder.
Mango: lup u aren’t a devil!! You’re way too awesome for that. You’re an angel, but like, a cool one. Not a narc.
punch a shitty movie: awww <3 hold on
punch a shitty movie changed punch a shitty movie ’s nickname to A Cool Angel (not a narc)
A Cool Angel (not a narc): Okay awesome. Anyway, before I can tell you if this WikiHow article is getting through the Pearly Gates or whatever this metaphor is, I need to uhhhhhh know what fucking article you’re even talking about?
Mango: oh YEAH lol
Mango: https://www.wikihow.com/Make-Wooden-Rings
A Cool Angel (not a narc): Okay. Cool! Why do you think literally anybody in this chatroom aside from yourself would be qualified to pass judgment on this article.
Mango: i dunno. I mean, it all seems legit to me.
Mango: but every reddit thread i find keeps telling me that wooden rings break really easily and never last and that they suck and everybody hates them : (
A Cool Angel (not a narc): Ohh, I see. Your first mistake was going on Reddit!
The Full Merle: reddit is chill. I like r slash trees.
The Full Merle: Been checking out wikihow and its also pretty chill tho.
Mango: I THOUGHT YOU’D LIKE REDDIT, LUP!
A Cool Angel (not a narc): Hm.
A Cool Angel (not a narc): For the sake of our friendship, I’m just gonna ignore that and move on, okay?
Mango: ok 👍
A Cool Angel (not a narc): You’re the expert here. You know the wood and all that. If you really think this WikiHow article is right and that all the other chucklefucks are wrong… well, you can’t discount your own experience.
A Cool Angel (not a narc): But you’ve gotta ask yourself if this is what you really think is right, or if you just really want to carve your own engagement ring and you don’t want to be told it might not work out.
Barold Bluebeans: damn
Barold Bluebeans: i was writing out this whole nerd essay about it, but i think lup kind of just got it in one.
A Cool Angel (not a narc): awww thanks babe <3
Mango: yeah, you guys are right… I’ll have to think about this stuff.
Mango: I really appreciate your help.
Barold Bluebeans: no problem, bud.
The Full Merle:
[ID: A WikiHow illustration of a woman looking into a box, with eggplants tumbling around inside. The whole image feels vaguely unsettling.]
The Full Merle: literally me btw
~~~
the french fry kid / julia >>> Girls club! Girls club party! owo, what's this? no personality tim, yet again. Please stop changing the title. No!!! I Do What I Want! blease,, The Oh Shit Smile
the french fry kid / julia: I need one of y’all to pretend to get engaged for me.
N03113: Sorry Jules, but I’d rather not do that. So I call not it.
the french fry kid / julia: I was seeing this as more of a volunteer system rather than a draft.
Quoth the Gayven: Not it, unless the reason you need a fake engagement is for crime. In that case, Hurley and I will consider it.
the french fry kid / julia: sjfdgnbjdfhgbghfjbgbh IT’S NOT CRIMEEE.
No Ragrets (hurley): babe what do you mean you’ll consider it if it’s for crime?
No Ragrets (hurley): also not it.
Quoth the Gayven: Well, it’s not for crime, so we don’t need to unpack what I meant. :^)
Lucretia: Not it. And if it isn’t for crime, what exactly is it for…?
the french fry kid / julia: I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED!
the french fry kid / julia: Soo I was thinking like. I wanted to make Mags engagement ring, duh. And I really got my heart set on tungsten band with a wood inlay, because that’s so perfect for us. But I don’t know shit about woodworking.
the french fry kid / julia: Sooo if one of you goobers pretends to get engaged, then I can have us work on YOUR engagement ring, and then he’ll teach me how to do it. And then I can make his for real!
Lucretia >> Hula Lup
Lucretia: We have a real Gift of the Magi situation on our hands.
Hula Lup: huh?
Lucretia: Check girls club.
The Lady Flame >>> Girls club! Girls club party! owo, what's this? no personality tim, yet again. Please stop changing the title. No!!! I Do What I Want! blease,, The Oh Shit Smile
The Lady Flame: NOT IT! Phew that was close.
Hula Lup >>> Lucretia
Hula Lup: ugggh this would be so much easier if i didn’t have ‘’ethics’’ and ‘’boundaries’’
Hula Lup: if we could just TELL THEM then they’d do it together and they’d have a gay old time!
Hula Lup: but nooo. We don’t get nice things.
Lucretia: … I think I have an idea. Give me a moment.
N03113 >> Girls club! Girls club party! owo, what's this? no personality tim, yet again. Please stop changing the title. No!!! I Do What I Want! blease,, The Oh Shit Smile
N03113: Only Carey and Killian are left. I suppose they’re ‘it’ by default.
Quoth the Gayven: @Killer Killian @i'm not a scaley, but– come on get in here, you’ve been drafted!!
Lucretia: If I may? I have a solution which does not require drafting our dear friends into the… marriage military? Whatever this metaphor is.
the french fry kid / julia: OOH im all ears!
Lucretia: I propose - if you’ll pardon my pun - that you simply don’t make the ring a part of the surprise. Instead, you make the rings together after you are engaged. It could be a belated engagement ring. Or you could use it as your wedding band instead.
Lucretia: Both of you are brilliant craftspeople, and you love what you do. I think that creating the ring together, knowing full well what it means, would be a valuable memory for the both of you.
the french fry kid / julia: hooly shit YOUR MIND.
the french fry kid / julia: i am totally going to steal that idea!!!!! Tysm!!!!!!!!
Lucretia: My pleasure.
i'm not a scaley, but--: haha just saw this. guess we dodged the draft!
i'm not a scaley, but--: good luck, jules!
Killian 💚 > Carey 💙
Killian 💚: We should probably tell them, someday.
Carey 💙: well duh. but i don’t want to overshadow magnus and julia’s shit.
Carey 💙: they’ll learn we got married in fantasy vegas when the time is right.
~~~
Taako™ >>> i saw seven doofuses
Taako™: so, i am going to be EXTREMELY GENEROUS!
Taako™: I know, I know. I’m too kind. Please, hold your applause.
A Hot Angel: 🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗
Taako™: oh shut up.
Taako™: ANYWAY
Taako™: Before I share MY beautiful, extravagant, insanely sexy summer plans, I am going to give you chucklefucks some time to share your own plans. So that I don’t overshadow you.
A Hot Angel: and our nobel peace prize goes to…!
A Hot Angel: jk jk. This is actually a really good idea, excited to hear what everybody has planned.
Taako™: of course it’s a good idea. It’s MINE.
The Merleman: Eh, nothing much. Maybe I’ll try some yoga.
Davenport: Merle. We are preparing for the birth of our child.
The Merleman: Oh, yeah. That too. I guess. Do you think they let babies do yoga?
Taako™: you are a fucking disaster.
Davenport: Aside from that, it’s mainly administrative work on my end. If we can find time, though, I am hoping to get the boat out on the lake.
the future mr. julia burnsides: I’M PLANNING A WEDDING!!!!!!!!! YOU GUYSSSS I’M ENGAGED!
Taako™: we already knew that.
Davenport: We’re all very excited for you, Magnus. Don’t be such a dick, Taako.
the future mr. julia burnsides: oh that’s just his way of showing he cares!!! I get it <3
Taako™: whatever.
Lucretia: As for my plans: I’ll be isolating myself from the world until I finish my damn novel.
Darry Bluedeans: How isolated are we talking, here? Hotel room, cabin in the woods, weird cave…?
Lucretia: Ideally? The moon.
Lucretia: Practically? Undecided. I’ll let you know once I have the details.
A Hot Angel: #GetLuceToTheMoon
Darry Bluedeans: #GetLuceToTheMoon
The Merleman: #GetLuceToTheMoon
the future mr. julia burnsides: #GetLuceToTheMoon
Taako™: #GetLuceToTheMoon
Davenport: #GetLuceToTheMoon
Lucretia: Thank you all for your support. My campaign grows stronger every day.
Darry Bluedeans: As for me, it’s pretty boring. Y’all already know about my internship, so that’ll be taking up most of my time.
Darry Bluedeans: But Lup and I are gonna go visit my Ma in August. It’ll be her 60th birthday, so we’re taking her to some national parks.
A Hot Angel: It’s going to be RAD!!!
A Hot Angel: but yea my plans are pretty much like Barry’s. why must God’s bravest soldiers be given His most boring internships </3
Darry Bluedeans: I mean, the corporate atmosphere is going to suck, but I don’t think it’ll be boring. Maybe I’m just too much of a nerd, though.
A Hot Angel: well duh. But you’re my nerd <3
Darry Bluedeans: You’re my nerd, too <3
Taako™: GET A ROOM!!!!
Taako™: EW!!!!
Taako™: ANYWAY!! Onto better things. ME! So. You all remember Kravitz, right? My super hot BF? Well, you’ll never BELIEVE where he’s taking me.
Fruit Lups >>> Oops! All Barrys
Fruit Lups: hey, I know i was goofing about the internship, but I really am excited to spend the summer with you.
Oops! All Barrys: me too!
Fruit Lups: I love you, babe.
Oops! All Barrys: I love you too.