Chapter Text
It was the middle of the night in Copia’s bedroom. You felt stirring next to you and a chill on your skin, slightly opening your eyes to see it was still dark in the room. The moonlight falling through the window was just enough for you to see him, sleeping next to you. You shivered a little and noticed you weren’t covered fully with the blankets anymore, neither was Copia. You looked at his face. He was asleep, the corners of his mouth curling upwards and his hair messy while he snored softly. A wave of happiness rolled through your body, the butterflies in your stomach going crazy once again. He looked so peaceful, so happy and sweet. Sitting up, you grabbed the blankets to pull them first over him, then over yourself, but while you did that, you saw his clothes were disheveled.
Of course, it was something that just happened in the night during sleep, and seeing as he had been moving in his sleep, it made sense. But now, you saw his shirt was pushed upwards, exposing his stomach and the lower part of his chest. You hadn’t seen him like that before, only catching a small glimpse of his chest when he was trying on some clothing earlier.
You saw hairs on his chest trail down, peeking out of the shirt and down in a line over his stomach and belly button, disappearing into his pants. You stared at him for longer than you intended, feeling your face burning and your stomach at this point just felt like it was made of butterflies. He was beautiful like this, too. His skin looked soft and you wanted to touch him, just to feel if he was indeed as soft as he looked, but you refrained from that, not being able to ask for his consent during his slumber.
You pulled the blankets over him and yourself, laying down facing him. You pressed a kiss to his jaw and closed your eyes.
Suddenly, his arm moved and wrapped around you, pulling you against him more. He murmured something, very soft, and you couldn’t tell if he was talking in his sleep or slightly awake.
‘Copia?’ You whispered, heart pounding rapidly for some reason. It was quiet for a beat and you were almost sure he had been talking in his sleep, when suddenly he moved his head and you felt him kiss the top of yours.
‘Grazie…’ he whispered and you nodded against him. ‘Beginning to...get cold…’ his voice sleepy and soft, slurring his words. You kissed his jaw again, being the closest reachable part of his face in the position you were in.
Then, he turned around, facing you and wrapping you in both arms, pulling you tight against him. His soft warm body pressed against yours as he cupped your face in his hand, his touch hot on your skin, making your heart flutter.
‘Of course…I was cold, too.’ You finally replied with a small voice.
A sleepy chuckle. ‘Did you like the view?’
You were sure you were bright red by now. You stuttered a bit when replying.
‘View? What are you…what kind of view…’ Another soft chuckle.
‘I was cold and you were sitting up for a while, cara.’
He sighed as you tried to collect your thoughts and control your breathing. Had he noticed you staring at him like that?
‘I peeked through my lashes…mi dispiace, tesoro…’ He sounded apologetic, caressing your face.
You went and turned away a bit, pulling your head back to try and look at his face, barely visible in the pale moonlight.
‘Okay, yes…but you just looked so soft and warm and….’ You paused, suddenly shy.
He kissed your forehead. ‘I am soft and warm here with you by my side…’ he mused, letting your unfinished sentence hang in the air.
‘You just look so beautiful…’ You spilled out, burying your face in the crook of his neck.
He didn’t say anything, but you felt his breathing stutter and he made a sound. ‘Grazie amore…’ he whispered, sounding less steady. You rolled around to lean on your elbows, now able to barely see his face, studying it. ‘Are you okay?’ You asked as he looked at you. His eyes shone in the moonlight as he held onto you with one arm while the other was tucking your hair away from your face. The gesture made you feel soft, well, softer than you already were.
Silently, he nodded. He glanced down and then looked at your face again, to which you followed his gaze.
Oh. You could still see his exposed stomach and part of his chest, which were just inches away from your fingertips. Somehow, this felt like a dream.
‘Can I…can I touch you?’ You stammered and he looked at you, half perplexed and half amused.
‘You are, are you not, cara?’ He whispered, pulling your head down towards his a little more, a small smirk on his lips. You rolled your eyes but smiled at him.
‘I mean, your…your stomach, it just looks like it would feel so soft…’ You admitted, shyly averting your eyes. He blinked a few times. He tried to speak but nothing came out, scraping his throat and trying again, in a hoarse whisper. ‘You want to touch my stomach?’ He sounded nervous, insecure almost. Your gaze softened and focused on his face again, so close that you could kiss the tip of his nose. ‘Only if you are good with that, I didn’t wanna just…do it without ever even asking…’ You whispered and he looked up at you blissfully, with a nervous smile on his lips.
‘Tesoro, of course you can do it. Grazie for asking.’ He said and he kept looking at your face, your eyes. You thought you could make out a hint of insecurity in his gaze.
Reassurance. ‘Copia, if you are not comfortable with that it is more than okay. I just…you are beautiful, you feel so safe and soft and warm when I’m with you. I really want to make you feel loved, because you are. So loved. By me, I mean, in this case…’ You rambled a little bit and he chuckled, pulling you in for a small kiss. ‘I love you, tesoro.’ He whispered and leaned your forehead against his, before letting go of you. You curled up next to him and he extended an arm to wrap around you. You could hear his breath and his heartbeat, as you placed your hand on his clothed chest. The life flowed beneath your fingers and you slid down to his uncovered stomach, coming to rest there.
He *did* feel soft, and warm. The skin to skin touch felt like there was electricity between you, a very good kind of it. He sighed and placed his free hand on the one on his stomach.
‘Is it good?’ He asked, chuckling nervously.
You nodded, realizing that maybe he could not see that and answered him. ‘It…yes, actually, it does, it feels as I thought it would.’ You chuckled and you felt him shake a little too with silent laughter.
For a while you just layed there, just enjoying the moment.
You woke up hearing a phone ringing, opening your eyes to the room being lit up with morning sunlight.
Next to you, Copia stirred, and you saw he was awake, sitting more upright and glancing around the room in alarm at the noise.
Realizing it was your phone, you stumbled out of bed to answer it.
Having spoken to whoever was calling, you tried locating all your clothes and other items while Copia was too surprised to speak by the sudden action.
‘Tesoro- what is it?’ He asked, swinging himself out of bed as well.
You sighed. ‘It was the hospital. I totally forgot I was covering my coworkers shift…my mind hasn't been there during work.’ You smiled apologetically. While he looked on.
‘You have to leave now?’
Combing through your hair and splashing water on your face you came back into the room, nodding. You couldn't help but feel a little sad at this intrusion, even though it was your responsibility.
‘It's not a long time - a coworker had an appointment she couldn't reschedule - I said I would fill in for her…’ you rambled, looking around to see if you had your most important items gathered.
He came up to you and placed his hands on your shoulders. ‘Okay, tesoro, take it easy, sí?’
You took a deep breath. ‘I will, I’m sorry…will I see you later?’
He embraced you. ‘No sorry necessary, hm? And I would like that. I have some important meetings this day, are you free this evening?’
You nodded, smiling and pulling away, giving him a kiss. ‘I'm looking forward to it. Good luck at your important meetings, okay?’
There was something in his eyes that almost looked nervous, anxious. It was similar to what you had seen when you met him that first time.
He nodded, squeezing your shoulders.
‘It's gonna go by quickly, I'll see you this evening.’ You assured him, grabbing his head and kissing him, then walking towards the door, turning around and taking some steps back toward him.
‘and…I love you.’ You added, a little shy about the suddenness of it all but he smiled and gave you a small head kiss. ‘and I love you, amore.’
Hurrying towards the hospital, muttering a string of apologies to your coworker who was quite tolerant of you- ‘it's okay, you're not very late, really-’ you sat there at the desk, it was busy in the morning but turned agonizingly slow. Time seemed to go extra slow as you reminisced about the time you had spent with your - well, you hadn't given it a name. Boyfriend felt too childish. Lover? Your thoughts settled on that. He had been so tired lately, seemingly more than usual. He attributed that to working hard while also being occupied in his head by you- something he said he enjoyed.
Deciding to task yourself with organizing the administration you had been slacking on, you worked away until you heard your coworker come back in. ‘I’m back! Thank you so much for filling in for me’ She thanked you, and you nodded, smiling at her.
‘I was just doing the administration, I slacked off with that.’ She peered over at what you were doing. ‘Thank you, you definitely didn’t have to, I could’ve done that!’
You explained it wasn’t a big deal and turned around to go get your phone from your bag.
It was the early afternoon and you sent Copia a message, wishing him luck with the important meetings. You didn’t expect a quick reply, he usually forgot about things like this and would be very busy during the day.
Putting on your jacket, you went back to your apartment. You had the time to do some tasks, cleaning a bit, tidying up, and some extensive self care.
When eventually you let yourself fall down on the couch, you saw it was already almost 6 in the evening. You grabbed your phone, expecting Copia to have called or messaged seeing he wanted to meet you this evening, but there wasn’t any notification.
It did feel strange. The feeling of something being up immediately seeped into your thoughts, even though you knew he could be busy and just finishing up. Maybe he was taking a shower. You decided to send him a message.
[17:45] “Hey lover. What time would you like me to come over? No rush. xx”
You made sure the sound was on and threw your phone down next to you on the couch, picking up a random book from your table. Not that you could focus on reading much.
After what felt like an eternity, you grabbed your phone again. No reply. Should you message again?
[18:05] “I hope you’re okay, don’t overwork yourself. If this evening is too much I can just swing by tomorrow maybe?”
Usually around this time he would be done. Lately he had been working later, that’s true, but he did have time for you. Suddenly you felt a little selfish. He had his own life, his own responsibilities. He was the leader of an entire clergy and band, you couldn’t forget that. Yet you had a growing uneasy feeling in your stomach.
You debated on just going to the ministry anyway to see if he was at least okay, but decided to wait for a sign of life first, picking up the book again. After reading the same sentence about twelve times, you threw that back down on the table and put music on instead, blaring it throughout your apartment, trying not to overthink.
You curled up on your couch, closing your eyes to focus on the music for a while, trying to sing along to distract yourself, almost missing the noise your phone made.
As if stung by a bee you jumped up, frantically looking for your phone between the couch cushions, shutting down the music.
[18:45] “Amore, I will come by your apartment. Shall we go for a walk?”
You read it a few times. His tone seemed off. Your stomach was in knots, even though the message itself didn’t contain anything strange. He was so formal, suddenly. Late.
Immediately replying with a ‘yes’, you grabbed your coat, getting ready to leave as soon as he would come.
After a while, you heard knocking. With your heart pounding in your throat and your breathing shallow and almost panicked, you opened the door.
There was Copia. He smiled at you, greeting you but you saw something in his eyes that hadn’t been there before. Putting on your coat and fumbling with your keys, you closed the door and grabbed his hands. “Please tell me you’re okay, are you?”
He kissed your forehead. “I’m okay, and you are too, right?” He replied, studying your face.
You nodded, uncertain. “I am…but I feel like something is up.”
His smile faltered and he pulled you with him.
“Let’s walk. I just need some fresh air…I just need to think. I will tell you, alright tesoro?”
Exiting the building, you clung onto his hand as if he would slip away if you didn’t. Something was wrong, something was going on. Was it you? Was it the two of you? You wouldn’t give up so easily, not now, you loved him- he had told you he loved you too, so what could be going on?
“I got some news today.” He said and you were pulled out of your thoughts. You were walking in the big park near where you lived, with soft hills, the same place he had taken you the first time you had been together. He had pointed you to the ministry from here.
The lights in the distance almost seemed like extra stars in the sky.
He sat down on a bench, with you sitting next to him, holding his hands and turning towards him.
He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. Your heart was going to burst out of your chest with anxiety.
“I will be ascending to Papa soon.” He said, his eyes still closed. His breath was shaky.
For some reason, you hadn’t expected it to be this at all. Partly happy, because you had been afraid it was something between the two of you, but partly anxious because of the way he seemed to feel about this. You had never spoken much about this, as it was a delicate subject. He had expressed his opinions on papacy a few times, but never in depth. It seemed like a possible far away kind of thing.
“Did they tell you that today?” You asked, your voice soft as your fingers caressed his.
Suddenly his increasingly nervous manners from the past weeks made sense. Had he known this was coming?
He nodded. “They did. They wasted no time in immediately jumping into the logistics and bureaucracy attached…”
He sat up and opened his eyes, looking at you.
“I didn’t mean to ignore you today. It’s just…I don't know how to feel, tesoro. About that. It comes with such a responsibility, so many expectations…”
He sounded unsure of himself and you wrapped your arms around him. He sucked in a big gulp of air. “It’s okay, I understand that it’s…a lot, suddenly…” you said, patting him on the back.
You sat in silence for a while, just hugging each other when he spoke again.
“I’m going to be so busy with the preparations. They said it’s more short term than they would want it to be. I don’t know why. Logistics, apparently.”
He paused.
“Did you want to become Papa?” You asked, pulling back and looking him in the eyes. He stared at your hands holding his.
“I did. I do. But the last time I imagined myself as Papa was…well, before meeting you.” His voice was soft. He sniffed loudly. Suddenly something in your mind clicked.
“We can’t be together.” You said, trying not to let your fear seep through in your voice.
He scraped his throat. “No. Yes. I don’t know, they haven’t said anything about that. But amore…” He took your hands and looked in your eyes. “I want to be with you, I don’t care what they will say.” He seemed determined.
You felt a little sad. Of course you wanted to be with him, it was all you wanted. But he had dreamed of becoming Papa for so long, you knew that. What if you couldn’t be together?
Squeezing your hands, he got your attention. “Are you okay?” He asked, his gaze soft. Him being the one to ask you this while he was struggling with something, you shook your head. “Copia, this is about you…” Oh, shit. Your sadness was in your voice. You scraped your throat. “I mean, I’m okay, I’m just…I’m just thinking, a lot. Please don’t worry about me.”
“I will worry. But…I am thinking a lot, too. Truthfully, cara, I feel…scared.” His voice cracked and the emotion behind it caught you off guard. Standing up, you pulled him with you and hugged him tight. “Let’s go to my apartment, okay?” You said, coaxing him with you as he nodded.
The walk to your place wasn’t long, but it was silent. He was holding your hand tight, as were you holding his, as if to underline the connection you had.
Opening the doors and locking them behind you, you shook off your coat and pulled his off too, draping them on one of your chairs before directing him to the couch, turning on some of the small lamps, bathing the room in a cozy soft light.
Sitting on the couch, you leaned back and motioned for him to come sit against you, which he did. You wrapped your arms around him.
“I’m scared that things will change. But not for the better. I have never felt alive in this way…” He said, his voice coming out choppy, you heard he was holding back emotion.
You shushed and stroked his hair. “It’s okay. And, have they said anything about changes, or do you know of any?”
He sniffled. “Only about responsibilities Papa has, that I would have to wear different clothes when others see me, that I would have to pick out skull paint and get it approved…”
You were just thinking about these things. They didn’t sound too bad, new clothing and a new makeup didn’t sound like the worst thing to happen. You didn’t want to invalidate his feelings, though. But there must be something else that warranted his fear.
“It will be okay, I promise. I will be there for you, okay? Hey, I could go talk to Miss Imperator if you want? I think she liked me.’ With a small smile you remember the first time you met Copia. He had been nervous, but he had also seemed sweet and lovable.
“It’s…it’s fine, amore, she is actually the most supportive and listening to my wishes…it’s just, my fear isn’t…I don’t think its unrealistic.” He said, his voice getting smaller near the end and he pressed himself against you with his eyes closed. Whatever it was, he really was afraid of it.
“That’s good, I’m glad she is.” You kissed his head and thought of what he could be scared of when suddenly it hit you.
The papa’s. Their fates. You knew what happened, you asked him one time about Papa Emeritus III- Copia called him Terzo, you knew what the public knew and how much Copia had valued him and his opinions, even if they bickered as siblings do.
But it had always been a painful topic. The way he had passed had not been natural. His reign as Papa had come to an abrupt end.
Copia must be scared the same fate would befall him. But, you thought, things were so different now. The clergy was different, they were known so much better, the dynamics seemed to be different. You didn’t know what exactly happened behind the scenes back then, but you did know Copia was specifically brought in to help them out, being personally appointed by Imperator.
“I think it will be okay. Of course I understand you’re afraid…I will be there. I will always be there and if you, or I get even the tiniest sign that something is going awry- I swear, I will get us out of here immediately- we can go live somewhere-” you rambled, trying to reassure him.
He let out a small teary chuckle. “Are you kidnapping me?”
“If I have to.” You promised. He was quiet before speaking again in a hoarse whisper.
“I just wish I could talk to Terzo for advice.”
The emotion in his voice struck you and you felt it in your heart. “Copia…” You whispered, stroking his head.
“Or Secondo, or Primo…they would know what to do, what will happen…I feel alone in this.” He said, his voice soft.
You knew those were previous Papa’s before the third. The days where everyone had been alive must have been great. You felt sadness for Copia. “I know that I’m not like them, but you won’t be alone. I will do whatever I can to help you. Okay?” You said, determined.
He nodded, and you kissed his forehead in support.
Some days later, you were over at the Ministry again. Copia was stuck in meetings about the upcoming ascension and you had offered your help, both for Copia and out of your hospital experience, which proved to be very useful with Sister Imperator and Papa Nihil.
Your work at the hospital had become part time, as you were at the Ministry so often that it felt like you had two jobs. They paid you, though, and you were happy about that.
Today you were doing a routine check up on Sister Imperator, who had felt slightly fragile lately. She was sitting in a chair as you rifled through her file. “It’s nothing, really…I just figured it’s better to check routinely.” She said, crossing her legs, leaning back.
You put the file down. “Well, your health is good. The accident can’t even be seen anymore, it’s just that…” you thought for a second. She raised an eyebrow. “Out with it, I can handle it” she said. “There’s just some usual deficits and issues a woman of your age might have. It’s nothing to worry about, and I’m sure you were aware of this too. Just take care, maybe take some additional vitamins, but if you still feel fragile in a few weeks, we’ll do another check up.”
She looked at you for a few seconds, registering it. Then she chuckled. “Well, I’m not the youngest anymore. Thank you.”
You hesitated. You wanted to bring up Copia and his fears about the consequences of becoming Papa, but you weren’t sure if this was the right setting. Sister Imperator, however, had the gift of reading this kind of thing right off your face.
She bent forward. “I know you want to talk about something. You can, especially now that you and my son are so…entwined.” She smiled a little at the end.
You stared at her. Copia was her son? For some reason, no one had ever really mentioned it, even though it made sense as you thought about it.
She noticed your surprise. “I…haven’t always been such a good parent. I regret that. Things were difficult, the ministry had much harsher rules. Of course that does not excuse it…but I want to support him, I want what’s best for him.” She said, her voice sounded soft.
You nodded and asked “Does Copia…” She nodded as well. “Yes. I wanted to tell him sooner, I really did, it just…didn’t work out that way. That’s why I want to help him every step of the way right now, especially with his father being like…that.”
You did know Nihil was Copia’s father. It wasn’t really a secret, and you disliked Nihil for treating Copia the way he did. You weren’t happy to hear of Sister Imperator not taking good care of Copia either, and it ached your heart.
At least she was trying now. You did your best to not scoff. “Sister…Copia’s ascension, he is scared of possible…negative consequences. I know he wants to become Papa, he’s worked so hard for it…” You said, not quite sure how to formulate your thoughts.
“He really did work hard.” She smiled, seemingly proud. You gave a small smile yourself, feeling proud of Copia as well.
“But” you continued, your voice serious. “there’s just a few…things. He doesn’t really know who to ask for advice, and…well, would it be okay if we…if we still…” your voice trailed off, looking at your lap while you felt your face getting hot.
Sister Imperator was quiet for a few seconds and hummed. You noticed both her and Copia hummed when they were thinking.
“I understand. It’s not ideal, but it’s the way it is right now. He will figure it out, I will be here to point him in the right direction…and of course, he’s got you now. You’re good for him.” She said, looking at you intently.
Did this mean you and Copia could still be together? Your heart beat fast. “I want to be together with him, no matter what. I’m in love with him…that’s all I want…” you felt a little nervous when you once again realized you were saying this to his mother, who chuckled a little.
She put her hand on your arm. “So then you will be together. I won’t deny him anything. Plus, when he is Papa, he will have a certain amount of power.” She smiled a little and stood up.
“Thank you…” you said, not knowing what else to say as she bowed her head a little and left.
A while later you heard some soft knocks on the door, before it opened and Copia himself entered the room, looking more relaxed than he had looked the past few days.
You stood up and came towards him, smiling. Before you could say anything, he pulled you into a tight hug, all but lifting you from the floor.
You laughed. “What’s gotten you so happy?” He released you and took your hands. His smile was wide and your heart beat fast, but because it was so good to see him like this.
“Amore…we will be together. No matter what. I will become Papa and you and I…we will be together. “ He said, his voice light and sounding like a promise.
You wanted to tell him that Sister Imperator had told you that earlier, but he already started talking more.
“Sister Imperator…she came to me and she told me that…to be honest, that really makes a lot of the anxiety go away…” He sighed deep, a sigh of relief.
You embraced him again, and you left to go on a walk outside to talk about everything.
Holding hands, you strolled the grounds of the ministry. “There will be changes…some more drastic than others but- ah, we’ll be together through it all…” He said, a little uncertain but happier towards the end.
“Hmm..changes. Like you becoming Papa and having to get new paints and clothes?” You said, swinging your hands back and forth.
“Sí. There was also talk of…something about my face. A change. I’ll still be myself, of course…” He said, and you heard he was holding something back.
A change in his face?
“But Copia, why?” You asked. He stopped walking and inspected some nearby rose bushes.
“These are going to be so beautiful when they bloom…to be loved is to be changed, they say…” He murmured.
Your stomach felt a little strange. You were happy for him, happy that you could still be together, but now you were anxious about that changing aspect.
He turned towards you. “It’s part of it all, we’ll see it when we see it. I’ll still be me, just…not the Cardinal anymore, finalmente.” He chuckled a little at the end, putting you more at ease.
It was true. He would always be you Copia, no matter what would happen. What was going to happen, would happen anyways, and you would be with him every step of the way.
Taking your hand again, he walked in the direction of the ministry again. “Already cutting it short?” You said, not that you minded it.
“I eh…really want to be with you and dance a little…” he admitted, smiling.
“Then we will” you replied, and you walked back to the ministry in light spirits.