Chapter Text
Tsukishima's life was always full of flowers. They were there, in his brother's right hand whenever he went out for a date with his girlfriend, next to his aunt's gravestone in the cemetery, on the bedside table of the hospital when his father had to do a surgery , literally everywhere in his grandmother's house, on the dining room table and even in the bathroom. They decorated his memories.
Flowers have always been there, and they still were.
But instead of being in a bouquet for Tadashi in their first date,they were just petals on Kei's bedroom floor. Instead of decorating the house him and his friend, that would be way more than just a friend at that point, would have shared, they would have probably been on Tsukishima's gravestone if his brother hadn't found him on time.
The surgery was simple and painless. Kei felt nothing during it, the sedatives that were given to him worked perfectly well. When he woke up, he wanted to ask the doctor if the sedatives were still affecting him. That would explain the numb feeling on his chest. Three hours passed, but the numb feeling didn't. In fact, it had only gotten worse. Stupid sedatives.
"How are you feeling?"
"Fine"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No"
And the conversation with his brother was over. Kei quietly thanked the fact that his parents were out of town that week because he knew Akiteru would give him the space their parents wouldn't. Kei really wasn't looking forward to the conversation that he would have to have with his mother and father. If he was honest, Kei wasn't looking forward to anything.
"Kei"
"Yes?"
"Yamaguchi called"
Yamaguchi. Kei thought about him for a second. About his smile and laughter and voice and face and everything but that numb feeling was still there and only getting worse and worse and he knew that it wasn't the sedative anymore, it never was, but it was easier not to admit it.
"What did he want?"
"He asked about you, if you were okay. He was very worried"
"And what did you say?"
Kei knew he still felt things.He knew that the feeling he got when he looked at his brother was love, just like when thought about his parents. He knew he felt annoyance when he thought about Hinata and Kageyama and thankfulness when he thought about Suga. And he also knew he should feel something,anything, when he thought about Yamaguchi.
He should feel love and thankfulness and even annoyance because their friendship wasn't perfect. It wasn't fucking possible he could feel something towards the dumb duo and nothing towards his best friend.
"I said that you had some problems , but everything went well and you were physically okay"
"And what did he say?"
"He asked if you were emotionally okay as well"
"I'm not"
"I know, I told him that"
Kei felt like crying. He had loved Yamaguchi, he knew that for sure, but now there was nothing. Why couldn't him feel anything?It was Yamaguchi, his best friend, the person he loved. There should be something.
"How are you feeling?"
"Like shit"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"...Whatever"
When Akiteru hugged him, he felt like crying again. Could he still call Yamaguchi his best friend now? Probably not. Yamaguchi was Yachi's boyfriend and Hinata's friend, but was he Kei's anything ? You have to feel something towards someone to know that, don't you?
"Did Yamaguchi say anything else?"
"He apologized"
"Hm. Do you think he knows?"
"I don't know, Kei."
"I don't want him to know"
Akiteru sighed and the room was silent again.
Numb.
When Tsukishima opened the door to his room, two days after surgery, when the doctor allowed him to go back home, the petals were still there, decorating his floor with colors. He heard a panicked noise from behind him.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry, Kei! Let me just..."
"No"
"...clean this up for yo..."
They stayed silent for some seconds until Kei spoke again.
"Don't worry. I'll clean it up myself."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes"
"...Okay then. Tell me when you're done"
Kei knew it wasn't a good thing to do, but when he looked at the flower petals spread on his bedroom floor all he could think about was Yamaguchi and he could feel sadness and pain.
Feel.
That pain and sadness made the numb feeling go away when he thought about Yamaguchi. And anything was better then nothing.
Even if he felt the urge to cry and scream when that smiling freckled face appeared in his thoughts every time he looked at the petals. At least it was something.
That's why he now had a jar full of flower petals on his bedside table. Beacuse that pain was a good pain. It was a reminder. Yamaguchi was his something even if it wasn't a good something.
He was feeling.
When Akiteru saw the jar, he didn't comment on it, he just hugged his brother tightly. When Kei didn't say anything, he took the message.
The only reminder I need is inside that jar.
So that's why he acted like nothing happened when he went to practice that next morning. Surprisingly, nobody pressured him and they all acted like it never happened. Everyone but one.
"Tsukki"
"What is it, Yamaguchi?"
"I'm sorry"
"Don't be"
---
The flowers that decorated Yamaguchi's and Yachi's wedding were the the same colors as the petals Tsukishima had coughed out all those years before. He asked Yamaguchi to do that.
Tsukishima could not go to his best friend's wedding and not feel anything, could he? Of course not. He had to feel sadness and pain under his fake smile, feeling is what makes us alive, isn't it? He was still alive,wasn't him?, and for that, he needed his flowers.