Chapter Text
On the ninety-ninth day that Buck and Eddie sleep together, Eddie wakes to the same gentle circles trailing across his back as he has for the past two weeks. The dribble he leaves on Buck’s shirt is there, like always, but Eddie finds an absence where he once felt shame. Buck called it cute, after all - who is Eddie to disagree? With a smile on his face, Eddie presses closer into Buck, eyes still shut like if he pretends to still be sleeping he can extend this moment indefinitely. Realistically, Eddie knows that he’s got Chris back under his roof and the school year officially kicking off in a couple hours, so any notions of mornings lazing in bed will expire momentarily. Just a few more minutes, Eddie bargains with himself and even his more rational side has difficulty denying him that, because today is the day that everything changes. Yesterday, Adriana returned to Texas, leaving the loft empty once again; today, Chris returns to school and he’s already trying to make good on his promise to avoid Buck and Eddie in favour of his peers. So Eddie has two options, either he’ll have to let Buck leave because there is no longer any reasonable need for him to sleep in Eddie’s bed any longer, or he could ask Buck to stay.
The latter is a terrifying thought, putting himself and all of his vulnerabilities on display for his best friend, an admission and a confession all rolled into one. But it’s Buck, Eddie reminds himself, he could tell Buck that he’s discovered his sexuality mid-way into his thirties and Buck would celebrate him without hesitation. More importantly, Eddie knows that he could tell Buck just that he was helplessly in love with him, and even if Buck didn’t feel the same, Buck would treat that confession with care, too. They’d go through a period of adjustment, of course, but lawsuits, and lightning, and gunshots, and forty feet of mud couldn’t keep them apart, a little unrequited love hardly seems an insurmountable obstacle. Besides, Eddie rationalizes, the former is a much scarier prospect - Buck leaving because he’s no longer needed, Buck never knowing how wanted he is in Eddie’s space.
So today, things will change, because Eddie Diaz is gearing up to tell Buck that he’s in love with his best friend; but first, Eddie has to tell his son.
“Morning, sleepyhead,” Eddie can feel Buck murmur into his hair.
“Not awake yet, shhhh,” is what Eddie whispers back, lips still pressed to Buck’s chest.
“You’ve been awake for like, ten minutes,” Buck laughs softly. “You squeeze me when you wake up.”
Eddie’s glad that his face is still tucked away, a furious blush spreading across his cheeks.
“We’ve got a big day today,” Buck continues to prod.
“I know, you’re just comfy,” Eddie pouts, finally raising his head to meet Buck’s gaze. With two firm pats on Buck’s torso, Eddie rises and shuffles out of bed. “But you’re right, Chris will kill me if we make him late for his first day of school.”
Eddie watches as Buck lifts himself from the bed, can’t help himself from wondering what it would look like to watch Buck do that without the material of his t-shirt blocking his view. For a moment, Eddie lets himself get lost in wondering whether all the clothes that Buck sleeps in are the norm, or if they were just for Eddie’s benefit; at this point, he’s not overly concerned with the answer, as long as sleeping without them is also an option for his benefit. Shaking his head, as if to clear the thoughts from his mind, Eddie listens as Buck delves into his plan of attack for the morning: Eddie will shower first while Buck preps the quiche; once that’s in the oven, Buck will shower and Eddie will deal with waking Chris; Chris will shower last, and by the time that’s done, breakfast will be ready for them all to sit down to enjoy. Eddie nods along, face stoic, but he can’t help but adore the way that Buck has thought through a morning routine between the three of them; Eddie lets himself hope that they do the exact same thing tomorrow.
Later, once Eddie has showered and traded the bathroom space off to Buck, he ventures into Chris’ room. Not for the first time that morning, Eddie questions his sanity as he plans to broach the ‘hey, would you be cool with me dating your other dad?’ conversation with his teenage son, first thing in the morning. When he lets himself acknowledge that it’s a conversation that he’s having with the son that he drove away to Texas for months because of his love life, Eddie knows he’s all the more insane, and that’s not even considering the fact that it’s serving as his coming out. Still, Eddie’s got a plan for the day, but he won’t proceed without Chris giving the okay, and with his son heading off to school before spending the evening with Denny, now is really his only chance.
After the initial grumbling that comes with waking almost anyone, certainly one that accompanies the waking of any Diaz, Eddie sits next to Chris on his bed.
“This is a bad time for this conversation,” Eddie prefaces. “But, I was too scared to do it yesterday, but I’m also too scared to miss my chance to have it with you today.”
“That doesn’t make any sense, dad,” Chris groans.
“I know, but I hope it will,” Eddie can feel his hands shaking. “I, well I wanted to talk to you about dating again.”
Chris eyes him suspiciously, but doesn’t otherwise react, which Eddie takes as a good sign.
“I know that I’ve made decisions in the past, especially as it relates to my love life, that have hurt you - that was never my intention, of course,” Eddie is quick to add. “But over the summer, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and self-discovery and all that stuff that they make you do in therapy, and, well, I’m gay.” The sentence stuttered, all of Eddie’s thoughts fracturing until he finally lands on a starting point. It’s the first time he’s ever let himself say those words, even to himself, he’s thought about his sexuality as this vague concept, never giving voice to a label.
Chris, quintessential in his sarcasm, replies with an, “Okay, and?”
Eddie lets himself laugh, his elation at finally being able to voice that fact about himself is only heightened by the fact that his kid is obviously unbothered by it, but is deeply bothered by the fact that his father has woken him ten minutes too early to tell him.
“Well, I’m telling you this because,” Eddie inhales deeply, readying himself for the next part of this confession. “Because I’m in love with Buck.”
“Okay,” Chris says again, nonplussed by the revelation.
“What does that mean?” Eddie prods.
“Okay, you’re gay and in love with Buck,” Chris repeats back like it’s obvious. “Haven’t you guys been together like all summer?”
His initial response is shock, because how could Chris think that Buck and he were together without telling him? When Eddie lets himself think about Chris’ perspective over the summer, however, Buck answering the nightly calls, Buck sleeping in Eddie’s room, Buck’s laundry in their washing machine, Buck, Buck, Buck all over their home - Eddie understands the point that Chris is trying to make.
“We haven’t been, we wouldn’t do that without telling you,” Eddie promises, before joking, “Besides, didn’t Buck agree to get your signoff on his next relationship?”
“I thought he was kidding! I thought that was the whole joke, oh Chris, I need you to like the next guy I date - wink, wink - it’s your dad!” Chris replies, his tone playfully mocking Buck.
“No! I think he was really being serious,” Eddie laughs with his son. “Look, I see where you might have gotten the idea that we’re already more than friends, but I promise you we’re not. I know that I want us to be, but I can’t say the same for Buck. With your okay, I’d like to ask him about that, today.”
“Dad, of course that’s fine, it’s Buck,” Chris rolls his eyes.
“Are you sure?” Eddie confirms, before he’s met by his son’s nod and then a pair of bony arms wrapping around him tightly.
“Dad, it’s Buck,” Chris reminds him again, more sincerely this time. “He just fits.”
From there, Chris lets Eddie drag him through a morning routine, though neither complain nearly as much as they do on most mornings. By the time they sit down for breakfast with Buck, Chris has managed a teasing shorthand for his father that is going just over Buck’s head, but makes Eddie flush with every sentence. Forty minutes later, they all pile into the Jeep, dropping Chris at school - where he refuses either of them getting out to hug him and see him off - before Buck drives over to the station for a twelve hour shift that they’d both agreed to.
When Eddie gets out of the car, he can’t help but wonder if this will be the last shift that they ever work as friends.
Four hours into a twelve, Buck is considering dropping the q-word. They’ve had one call all day and he can’t help but feel like Eddie is avoiding him; it’s strange, Buck thinks, because the morning started with Eddie curled into his chest, but then he recalls the odd looks that Eddie had thrown him as they were planning the morning routine, the strange way that he and Chris seemed to speak a different language over breakfast, and now, the way that Eddie keeps disappearing with their co-workers without giving Buck a heads up. Buck knows of course, that this is the day that everything changes. For the first time in three months, his loft is empty, Chris is home, and Buck is completely single - so really, there’s nowhere else he should sleep tonight other than the loft. Sure, his heart twinges at that notion, but he’ll do it without hesitation; what he’s not quite understanding is why Eddie seems quite so squirrely about asking him to move out? Doesn’t he know that he can say anything to me? That all I want is for him to be happy? Buck wonders.
When Buck wanders past the bunk rooms and hears the low hum of Hen and Eddie’s voices, he almost considers walking right by, but then Eddie speaks.
“I think I’m ready, Hen.”
“To date?” Hen’s asking.
“Yeah, I cleared it with Chris and he thinks that it’s a good idea,” Buck can hear Eddie respond.
Buck thinks that he hears Hen wishing Eddie the best of luck, but he can’t be sure with all of the blood rushing to his ears. Eddie is going to start dating, is the thought that plays on repeat; he knew, of course he knew that he had to leave Eddie’s eventually, but he hadn’t realized the urgency with which he needed to go. But Eddie’s here, talking to Hen about dating and new relationships and Buck is certain that he cannot be around for that.
Later, their second call of the day comes in. It’s a contained fire in a condominium that requires all residents to evacuate, but poses a danger to very few; Buck is lingering by the truck, awaiting instruction when he spots a woman approaching his Eddie. Their voices are muttered but Buck can see the way that she caresses his arm, beams up at him like he’s god’s gift to man, bites at her lip like she’s picturing Eddie’s teeth in her place. It stirs something in Buck, something that he’s not quite ready to look at, but one that makes his stomach wobble nonetheless. This is how it’ll go, right? Buck thinks, because of course, Eddie will meet a beautiful woman on a call, or in a parking lot, or at a bar; wherever it happens, Buck will fall into second place and watch as her presence starts to fill all the roles that have defaulted to him over the last six years. It won’t be intentional, nor will it happen quickly, but eventually he’ll be replaced by Eddie’s real partner, and that thought hurts so bad that Buck knows that he has to remove himself before it can scar.
Hours later, when Buck drives them both back to the Diaz household, Eddie can sense that Buck is jittery in a way that he’s not yet seen. When they move inside the house, Buck rushes to their bedroom immediately, a duffel bag open on the bed with Buck quickly filling it with the little he’d brought with him for his stay at the Diaz home.
“What are you doing?’ Eddie demands.
“Just, this is it - isn’t it?” Buck huffs out. “Chris is back, and he’s in school, and Adriana isn’t still at the loft, so it’s over - right?”
Eddie can’t speak, he’s watching the love of his life pack a bag and facing the prospect of waking up alone in his bed tomorrow and he wants to crawl out of his skin at that thought.
“What the hell does that mean, it’s over? It’s never over between us,” Eddie proclaims.
“Of course not, you and I will never be over,” Buck placates. “But I don’t want to stand in the way of you and meeting someone you love. You’re the most important person in the world to me, and I’ll never stand in the way of your happiness.”
“Buck, wait, please,” Eddie begs.
“It’s okay! I know you’re wanting to date again and I totally support that,” Buck announces, though the bite in his voice suggests otherwise. “The loft is empty again and Chris is with Denny tonight, so it probably just makes sense.”
“It doesn’t,” Eddie bites back. “Just, let me explain, please.”
“You don’t have to, Eddie,” Buck’s voice is serious in a way that Eddie never really hears. “I’m really happy that you’re going to explore dating again. You, more than anyone else that I know, deserves that happily ever after, and even if the woman from the condo building isn’t the one, I hope that she brings you closer to her.”
“What if she’s not what I want?” Eddie bites out.
“Then I hope you find it!” Buck finally snaps. “I hope that you find everything that you ever wanted, Eddie, but I refuse to keep standing in the way of your partners.”
“Buck,” Eddie huffs back at him. “You could never be in the way, you are the way!”
“Eddie, it’s fine, I promise,” Buck replies. “Sure, it’ll be weird not living together anymore and we’ll both need some time to readjust, but you’re my best friend. We’ll figure out our new normal eventually.”
Tongue heavy in his mouth, Eddie can’t seem to make himself speak. He’s Buck’s best friend, and if Buck’s intent on it staying that way, well Eddie can’t really force him to change his mind, right? So, Eddie watches as Buck throws a handful of his clothes in a duffel bag, nods along as he promises to be back for the rest eventually. The rest, the thought echoes through Eddie’s mind, as if it would be remotely possible to carve Buck out of his home, out of his heart.
When Buck asks Eddie to tell Chris goodnight from him, Eddie agrees and lets the door click shut while he watches Buck walk to his Jeep and drive away. He can feel his heart fracturing, not entirely dissimilar from the devastation he felt watching Chris leave all those weeks ago, but at least that time he had Buck to hold him together. For the first time in ninety-nine days, Eddie is completely alone.
An hour, he lets himself spiral and drive around aimlessly for an hour before Buck finally arrives on Maddie’s doorstep, duffel bag in hand. The thought of returning to an empty loft is too heavy for him to bear under the weight of his heartbreak, he’s not surprised to find himself running to his sister for comfort. Mindlessly, he wishes that he could run to Eddie for comfort, even if what’s hurting him most is Eddie. But that’s not right either, Buck corrects his own mind, because it’s not Eddie that’s hurting him. Eddie loves him like best friends do, Buck was the one who stupidly inserted himself so wholly into Eddie’s life that he couldn’t do anything but fall in love with him.
“Buck?” His sister asks, the look on her face tells Buck that it’s not the first time that she’s said it. “Are you okay?”
“No, um, I don’t think I am,” Buck manages to stutter out.
With that, he lets himself be ushered inside. Chim is sitting on the couch when he walks in, but takes one glance at the tears building in Buck’s eyes and makes an excuse about Jee-Yun to give the siblings some privacy, offering Buck a brotherly pat on the back on his way out. Was that how Eddie felt about Buck offering physical comfort? That it was brotherly affection and nothing more? Why hadn’t it ever felt that way for Buck if he was only now falling in love with his best friend?
“What happened?” Maddie prompts gently.
“I moved out,” Buck starts.
“When?”
“About an hour ago, I guess,” He replies.
“Why?”
“Eddie wants to start dating, apparently he cleared it with Chris and everything,” He confesses. “I guess, I just didn’t want to be around to watch that.”
“He’s dated people before,” Maddie hedges.
“Not while I was living with him,” Buck bites back. “It was different.”
“So that’s it, then? Eddie’s newly ready to start dating, and you thought you needed to move out so he could move someone else in, tonight?”
“No, of course not. I know it’ll take time, but I just, I can’t watch it, Maddie,” He admits. “For once, I wanted to be the one to leave, not the one that clings on longer than they’re welcome.”
“Buck, it’s Eddie,” Maddie says like it’s simple, like the whole problem isn’t that fact.
“Exactly, it’s Eddie,” He sighs. “It’ll kill me if he has to cut me out, he knows that so he’d probably let me stay forever, but I won’t do that to him.”
Maddie pauses at that, seeming to consider her next words carefully. “Do you remember when you told me about Tommy?”
Buck knows the shock on his face at her diversion is apparent, but he’s too emotionally raw to even try to hide it. “Yeah, I remember, though I don’t think talking about my ex is really what I want to do tonight.”
“You didn’t really talk about him then, either,” Her tone is suggestive, but at Buck’s obvious confusion, she continues. “You came over and told me all about how guilty you felt for lying to Eddie, and this was less than a week after you came over and told me all about how Eddie’s time was being monopolized by someone other than you. Buck, you came out to me and all you wanted to talk about was Eddie.”
On a sigh, Buck lets himself meet his sister’s gaze. “You know, then? That I’m in love with Eddie.”
“Since when do you know that?” She’s not any better at hiding her shock.
“About an hour ago,” Buck shrugs.
“That’s really why you left,” Maddie confirms and continues when Buck nods an affirmation. “What did Eddie say when you told him that you were leaving?”
“He tried to stop me, tried to explain the dating thing, I guess,” he says. “I just, I couldn’t listen to it, y’know? Because I know he’d be kind about it, but I think that would hurt more in some ways - it’s hard to make the person breaking your heart a villain if they do it gently.”
“That’s all he said?”
“I don’t know Maddie, I was focusing on not crying too hard to process it all,” He admits, dejection colouring every contour of his face. “He snapped a bit when I said that I didn’t want to stand in the way of a potential partner, but he didn’t say much after I promised that we’d always be best friends.”
“What if that wasn’t what he wanted to hear?” Maddie whispers, like if she says it quietly enough the universe won’t know that it’s been voiced.
“What do you mean?”
Conflict washes over his sister’s features as Buck watches her try and navigate her response. She stares at him intently, and she must see something, some desperate plea in his eyes, because she takes a deep breath and begins.
“That day that I spent with Eddie, a little while back,” Buck nods, the memory of them playing Just Dance and the sting that he’d missed out on it still fresh in his mind. “We had this one conversation, where he kept complaining about Tommy - how Tommy didn’t like your cooking, or Tommy didn’t listen to you enough, or Tommy refused to take you out for ice cream when he got frozen yogurt.”
Buck nods, because he’d heard the same complaints in the month since he and Tommy had split.
“I think the implication there is that Eddie would,” Maddie says, like it’s some grand confession that Eddie likes his cooking, and likes the way his mind works, and likes to see Buck smile when they make two stops instead of one.
“Of course he would, he’s my best friend,” Buck is sort of starting to regret coming to his sister for advice, because she’s making very little sense to him at this moment.
“Buck what I’m saying is that it felt like the conversations that you and I had about Eddie and Tommy,” Maddie says, frustration leaching into her tone.
“You think Eddie wants to date Tommy?” Buck can feel the colour draining from his face, because god almighty, if he has to watch that relationship unfold, he doesn’t think he’ll survive it.
“Ew, no!” Maddie’s composure finally snaps. “I’m saying that I didn’t think that you wanted to date Tommy either! I’m saying that I think you knew, subconsciously sure, even back then that it was Eddie that you wanted. I’m saying that Eddie knows, again, maybe subconsciously, that it’s you that he wants. Obviously I’m speculating, it’s not like he came right out and said it, but I think you owe to yourself to at least ask him if that option is on the table.”
“But Eddie’s straight,” Is what Buck manages after a lengthy pause.
“So were you until six months ago,” Maddie reminds him.
Buck tries, he really does, to temper the flame of hope that ignites at Maddie’s implication, but then he lets himself picture it for the first time - what life would look like if he got to keep Eddie Diaz. Mornings spent cuddled together in bed; meals shared over the kitchen table that’s almost as old as Chris; family and the friends that might as well be celebrating milestones and birthdays and simply surviving in the yard; evenings spent curled together on the couch, Eddie’s body beneath him or on top of him or all around him; a wedding, maybe one day; couple more kids, maybe another day. Permanence. Belonging. Home. Love.
For the first time in his life, Buck can imagine his future so easily, and it’s sickeningly joyful. It’s all that he’s ever wanted, he just has to be brave enough to ask Eddie if he pictures the same.
“Thanks, Maddie,” Buck calls over his shoulder, duffel bag in hand and halfway to his Jeep.
“Where are you going?” She asks with a laugh.
“Home!”
Eddie lasts thirty minutes, alone on his couch without the strong arms of Evan Buckley to hold him together, before he drives himself over to the Wilsons. On his way, he sends a text over, pleading with them to make sure Chris and Denny are far, far away by the time he arrives, because he really can’t handle Chris seeing him breaking down, again.
Karen’s waiting at the door when he arrives, dragging him inside and into the living room while she promises that the boys are in the backyard and will stay there until Hen calls for them.
“What happened?” Hen’s the first to ask, sadness for her friend all too apparent in her features. “You were so excited to talk to him this afternoon.”
“He just left,” Eddie admits, defeat evident in his tone.
“What?” Hen gasps, like she can’t believe that it’s Buck that they’re talking about.
“Slow down, start from the beginning,” Karen interrupts, ever the voice of reason. “You got home from your shift, did you talk right away?”
“No, no we didn’t really talk at all on the way home and when we got there, he just went straight to the bedroom and started packing a bag,” Eddie confesses.
“So you haven’t actually talked to him?” Karen confirms.
“I tried! I was begging him to let me explain, but he kept talking about how this was over and how we’d always be best friends,” He manages to spit out the word, though it tastes like acid on his tongue.
“But you told him that you love him, right?” Hen asks.
“Of course! I tell him that I love him all the time,” Eddie can feel the panic rising, the fear that he’s driven Buck off and he doesn’t know whether he’ll ever come back.
“Eddie,” Hen leans forward and squeezes his knee in sympathy. “Did you tell him that you’re in love with him?”
“I, I tried, I told him that he is the way,” Eddie stumbles. When all he receives is twin looks of confusion from his friends, he continues. “Buck said something about not getting in the way of my next partner, so I told him that he is the way - that, that counts, right?”
Something that looks a lot like pity replaces the confusion on their faces, and Eddie knows he’s fucked up.
“I think it might be helpful if you explained that one to him,” Hen suggests. “Buck’s a really smart guy, but in this instance, I think he probably needs to hear you spell it out.”
“That’s terrifying,” Eddie pouts. “Isn’t this a ball’s in his court sort of situation?”
“It’d probably be scarier for Buck to potentially blow up the most important relationship in his life, with his presumably straight best friend, because said friend sort-of, maybe implied that they could be more,” Karen deadpans.
Eddie groans, frustrated that Buck can manage to read every other thought in his mind, but apparently he doesn’t just know that Eddie’s in love with him.
“I have to tell him, right?” Eddie asks, but he knows the answer.
“Not if you’re not ready,” Hen says gently. “But nothing is going to change until you do.”
Hen’s right, of course she is, but also wrong? Because Eddie doesn’t think that he’ll ever really be ready to admit his feelings to Buck, not when rejection is on the table and he already feels fragile enough to crack. But then Eddie thinks of waking tomorrow, without Buck’s solid chest beneath his head, and his stomach twists in on himself, nausea rolling over him like he really could be sick at the thought of it. There’s every possibility that Eddie will never be ready for this conversation, but he’s going to have it anyway.
Abruptly, he stands, thanks both women for their advice and accepts their offer to keep Chris overnight despite the fact that it’s a school night, and then he’s rushing out the door, like if he moves too slowly he’ll talk himself out of moving at all.
Exactly fifty-one minutes later, Eddie finds himself on the front steps outside the loft, he knows it’s been fifty-one minutes because it took him seventeen to drive over here, and he’s been waiting outside for the past thirty-four. He’s tried knocking, using his key feels like overstepping given the circumstances, and unless Buck is giving him the silent treatment, he’s beginning to conclude that Buck’s not at the loft. Somehow that feels worse to Eddie, that Buck fled Eddie’s house specifically, not because he wanted to be in his own space or because he missed having his own bed, simply that he couldn’t be around Eddie any longer.
He’s about to give up, about to return back to the loneliness of his home and lick his wounds until he has to pick Chris up in the morning. Realistically, Eddie knows that he and Buck will have another chance for this conversation, but sleeping apart for even the one night after months of togetherness feels monumental. When he stands, Eddie spots Buck running towards the stairs he’d been perched on, and oh, this hurts too, Eddie thinks. Sure, it hurt that Buck would stay somewhere other than the loft, but it doesn’t really feel any better now that he’s returning to it. Maybe it’ll always hurt if Buck is sleeping anywhere other than his bed, Eddie thinks. Shame washes over him too, the thought that Buck is just trying to go home and Eddie’s here blocking his path, forcing his hand, it feels wrong and the urge to flee is unbearably strong.
“Sorry, sorry,” Eddie apologizes, trying to brush by Buck. “I’m going, I didn’t mean to-, this is your home and you should be able to come and go without me ambushing you.”
Eddie can feel the heat in his cheeks and he’s willing the tears in his eyes not to fall, when Buck wraps strong arms around his shoulders and drags him up to the loft. Standing in the kitchen, waiting for Buck to lecture him or yell or tell him to leave, Eddie’s never felt smaller. Buck was always the one telling him how intentional he was with his time, how if Buck were with him, then he could trust that Buck didn’t want to be anywhere else - how could Eddie not have realized that the inverse was true, too?
“I’m going to go,” Eddie breaks the silence.
“I was coming to see you,” Buck says, nearly at the same time.
“Buck, this is your loft. I think it’s pretty clear that you weren’t,” Eddie mumbles.
“Eddie,” Buck pleads, encroaching on Eddie’s space to wrap a palm around his jaw, forcing Eddie’s eyes to meet his. “Eddie, I checked your location, I saw that you were here and that’s why I came. If you’d been at your place, or the station, or halfway to Texas, then that’s where I’d be right now.”
“Oh,” Is all Eddie can manage.
“Yeah,” Is Buck’s thoughtful reply.
All at once, all of the ugly feelings swirling around inside him seem to dissipate, because Buck was always coming home to him. For the first time all day, Eddie’s almost certain that he’s not alone in this; his hands still shake because the nerves are still there, but there’s an excitement too, like he’s on the precipice of getting everything that he wants.
“You have that? I feel like this is a breach of privacy or something, was this a Hildy thing? Does she know where we are now?” It’s the first coherent thought Eddie’s been able to manage with the warmth of Buck’s palm still seeping into his bones.
“No, it was the night of Chim’s bachelor party,” Buck laughs, Eddie loves that sound. “You said I took so long getting drinks that you thought one of the ‘whores by the back exit’ tried to kidnap me. The only people sitting by the back exit were three couples in their mid-60s.”
“They could have been swingers!” Eddie protests, because the memory of being drunk and silly and completely jealous is starting to come back to him. “Maybe they were in costume. Their whole plan could have been to disarm you so that they could sneak you out the back exit.”
“You’re an idiot,” Buck smiles fondly. “Anyways, you said we need to know where the other is at all times so you made me share our locations with each other.”
“Oh. That was pretty smart of me,” Eddie sighs, unable to look anywhere other than Buck’s eyes.
“Yeah, even if neither of us needed saving from any ‘whores’ who also qualify for a senior citizen discount.”
They both giggle, the gravity of the moment broken by the memory of a much simpler time. Eddie uses their lapse in concentration to reposition them so that he’s holding both of Buck’s hands, leaning back against his counter while Buck towers over him slightly. When the laughter subsides and Buck’s eyes are back on his, Eddie knows exactly what he wants to say.
“Stay,” Eddie demands.”Stay just because I want you to.”
“You want me to?” There’s a pinprick of doubt in his tone, and Eddie can’t possibly let that stand.
“I always want you to,” He confirms. “I want to wake up next to you every single day of my life. I want to spend my entire life learning new things about you and having new adventures together. I want to watch all of your favourite movies and then find new ones together. I want you by my side when Chris graduates or gets married or has a kid. I want another kid or two, who calls both of us dad even if it gets confusing. I want to try every recipe you ever attempt and I want to finally try that pie you’ve been promising all summer.”
When Eddie pauses to catch his breath, he can’t help but notice how Buck has sunk even further into him, their lips barely an inch apart.
“Actually, what I really want is for you to stop wearing so many clothes to bed,” That last thought slips free before Eddie can reign it in, but it puts a smile on Buck’s pretty lips, so Eddie can’t find it in himself to mind.
“I think I could probably make that happen,” Buck nods, before teasing Eddie, “Any thoughts on why you suddenly have all of these new wants?”
“Because, Evan,” Eddie can’t help but move his mouth closer still to Buck, their lips nearly grazing as he finishes his sentence. “I’m in love with you.”
Buck’s control slips then, the tentative distance that they’d maintained is gone in an instant. Suddenly, their lips are pressed against each other with surety; slowly, Eddie lets his tongue lick into Buck’s mouth, tasting him for the first time, and he knows that he’ll never get enough. He could have a lifetime of this, and he’d still want more; Eddie’s nearly giddy when he remembers that he really will have a lifetime of this. Seconds, minutes, hours later - Eddie doesn’t know because he has far too much trouble thinking when Buck’s kissing him - they break apart. With swollen lips and wide smiles, neither of them even attempt to mask the utter glee in their expressions.
“I’m in love with you, too,” Buck places another peck on Eddie’s waiting lips. “Just in case that wasn’t clear.”
“You were pretty clear, but I’ll never complain about hearing you say that.”
“I’m in love with you,” Buck repeats, just because Eddie asked him to.
“I’m in love with you,” Eddie repeats, just because he really wants to.
“Let’s go home,” Buck suggests and Eddie can’t move fast enough.
He drags Buck back out the door, waiting impatiently as Buck insists on locking it, despite Eddie’s protests that it doesn’t really matter because the important stuff is already at their home and Buck will never live in the loft again. When Eddie realizes that they’ve made the monumental mistake of driving separate cars, he can feel the way his face drops.
“We’ll get your car tomorrow,” Buck murmurs. Embarrassingly, Eddie’s only thought is why? Why would he need his own car when he plans to be permanently attached to Buck’s hip for the rest of his life? And like he always does, Buck reads his mind. “Maybe we could have Maddie or Chim drive yours over so that we can ride together.”
“That’s a good idea,” Eddie grins softly.
Later, Buck carries a mug of tea into their bedroom, setting it on Eddie’s nightstand. In just a pair of boxers, at the behest of his - boyfriend? partner? love of life? They hadn’t really had a chance to settle on terminology. When Eddie stumbles in from the bathroom and spots Buck nearly naked in bed, the flash of heat in his eyes tells Buck that he’s absolutely made the right choice.
“You look good,” Eddie murmurs, eyes never leaving Buck’s.
“You could stand to lose some clothes yourself,” Buck finds himself suggesting. He knows that they’re not going to do anything tonight, the emotional rollercoaster of the day has exhausted them both, but that doesn’t mean that Buck can’t look.
Eddie complies agreeably with his request, before climbing into bed with him. It’s new, the warmth of bare skin, and Buck can’t help but be excited about all the new things that he’ll only ever get to experience with Eddie. For years, he’d been content to come second in Eddie’s life, probably would have spent the rest of his life content in that role, just so long as he had Eddie in any way. It’s almost otherworldly, the fact that he gets to have all of Eddie, that Eddie wants all of him.
“When did you know?” Buck finds himself whispering, looking down at Eddie whose skin glows under the lamplight.
“In some ways, I feel like I always have,” Eddie admits, and Buck knows exactly what he means, because no matter how far back he searched, he can’t remember a moment where Eddie wasn’t the center of his universe.
“But if you want the actual timeline,” Eddie offers, “I think that I first started realizing after you came out. It was like I didn’t realize that it was an option for men our age - and then, of course I kind of freaked out about the whole sexuality thing.”
Buck lets himself drop a kiss onto Eddie’s forehead alongside a whispered I’m so proud of you when Eddie takes a breath.
“When I started seeing Frank again, he kept asking me what I want, made me write it down in a journal and everything,” Eddie continues.
“The one you’re always hiding from me,” Buck teases.
“Yeah, that one,” Eddie smiles. “I hid it because every time I wrote something down, I think I knew that I was describing you. And then when Chris came home, that day, I let myself admit that it’s just you, I just want you.”
“I can’t believe you waited two weeks to tell me after you realized that you’re in love with me,” Buck teases affectionately.
“Hey, I’ll have you know that it is absolutely terrifying to have to tell your best friend that you’re in love with them,” Eddie mocks back. “Besides, how long did you hold out on me?”
“Like two hours, tops,” Buck confesses shamelessly. “I left your place, admitted it to myself, let Maddie interrogate it out of me, and then I drove straight over to the loft to tell you.”
“Yeah, yeah, very brave,” Eddie scoffs, “You’d already come out, so that drops the fear factor.”
For a while longer they go back and forth, teasing each other like they’ve always done, except this time, they’re nearly naked and cuddled into bed together; this time, their banter is interspersed with soft kisses of lips, and cheeks, and foreheads, and chests; this time, neither of them have to leave at the end of the evening; this time, every teasing barb between them means I love you.
Buck’s not entirely sure which one of them falls asleep first, both of them dozing off and on, neither willing to turn off the lights and put an end to their night. So, on the ninety-ninth night, Buck and Eddie fall asleep in each other’s arms and amidst their laughter; Buck can’t wait to do it all again tomorrow.