Chapter Text
A few months after Eddie’s initial Facebook message, Alex messages to let him know that he’ll be in LA for a bit and if he’d want to meet up. They’ve been messaging online a bit but haven’t really talked. It’ll be easier to talk in person, Eddie tells himself. Still, he’s a bit nervous when he gets to the café where they agreed to meet.
“So, how have you been?” Alex asks after they sit down at a free table outside in the shade of a parasol.
“Good I guess, all things considered,” Eddie says, trying his best to sound casual. It feels so alien to make polite small talk with someone who used to know him better than anyone in the world. But perhaps they are back on small talk terms, he thinks. Still, the whole thing feels a bit like a performance.
“You’ll have to get a bit more specific than that, man,” Alex tells him and laughs, “can’t say I wasn’t surprised to hear from you again after all that time.”
“Yeah, sorry about that. I guess I owe you an explanation for disappearing for fifteen years, huh?” Eddie says. There’s so much to say, that he really doesn’t know where to start.
“You’ve got nothing to apologize for,” Alex says, “I’m pretty sure everyone is going through some shit when they’re a teenager. Besides, I pretty much fucked off to New York and never even told you about it.” He takes a sip from his iced matcha latte. Alex never did like coffee. It seems like he too has stopped pretending to like things he doesn’t.
“Hey, at least you made it out. Can’t say I wasn’t kind of jealous,” Eddie tells him. He hasn’t wasted much time thinking about how things could have gone if everything hadn’t happened the way it did, but there were a few occasions over the years when Eddie thought about Alex and where he might be and how much different his life could have been if he also got to leave El Paso back then.
“Well you made it in the end,” Alex says, “Los Angeles is not so bad either. Number one place to run away from your shitty hometown to. Or maybe second, after New York. I can count the number of native New Yorkers that I’ve met over the years on one hand.”
“I guess I did,” Eddie says, not because he thinks that that’s the same, exactly, but because he figures that Alex is right. He did make it in the end.
“I’m glad to hear it,” Alex says. And then, “well then, enough stalling, we’ve got some catching up to do and I have a show tonight, so you better get talking. Tell me all the juicy details about your life that I missed.”
“That doesn’t seem fair,” Eddie says, “from what I’m hearing I think your story is much more interesting.”
“Oh what’s to tell?” Alex asks, “I moved to New York, with nothing but the clothes on my body and big dreams. And a savings account that my parents set up for me, but who's counting? Anyway, I took the city by storm with my boyish charm and incredible talent and soon I became a star. Or like, a moderately successful stage actor.” As if to prove his point, Alex accompanies his tale with dramatic gestures and facial expressions.
“Now, I’m hearing you’ve so far been making your career choices based on popular Halloween costumes for seven-year-old boys? Can we expect a career change to Spider-Man in Eddie Diaz’ near future?” Alex asks.
“Alright, calm down,” Eddie says, “so you already know I was in the army and now I’m a firefighter.”
“Butch,” Alex interrupts him with a challenging smile.
“Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s not as fancy as your whole thing, but it is what it is,” Eddie says. Then, more carefully as if not to pick at an old would he adds, “and, um, I’ve got a kid now, so that’s a pretty big change I guess.”
“Yeah, I heard,” Alex says, “you and Shannon…” All of a sudden his extroverted persona drops and reveals someone a bit closer to the Alex that Eddie used to know, back in El Paso, in the summer by the lake.
“Listen, I’m sorry about you and her and how things went. I was a pretty terrible friend,” Eddie tries to explain.
“It’s fine,” Alex says, “we were broken up.”
“Yes, but still. I should have handled it differently.” It then dawns on Eddie that there is a chance Alex doesn’t even know about Shannon, about what happened.
“I don’t know if you heard about Shannon,” Eddie says but isn’t really sure where he is going with it.
“My mom told me. I’m so sorry, Eddie” Alex says. He looks down at the cup in his hands and then says, “apparently someone still notified Shannon’s parents. They tried not to make a big deal out of it. Just like they’ve been pretending she never existed for years, but you know how people talk.” It sounds earnest, almost angry.
“Yeah,” Eddie says. And then after a beat, “can you imagine being so cold? And to your own child. They never talked to her ever again after they kicked her out. Not even when she tried to notify them when Christopher was born.” It makes him angry just thinking about it. Now that he has a kid it seems even more cruel to kick your child out, especially when they need your support the most.
“Nobody deserves that,” Alex says, “happens way too much though.”
“I guess not everyone is cut out to be a parent,” Eddie says and shakes his head. Shannon was only three years older than Christopher is now. He was only three years older than Christopher is now. It’s something he can’t think too much about or it will make his head spin.
“You seem to be doing a pretty good job though,” Alex says encouragingly.
“I try to, but I messed up pretty bad recently so I’m not sure if I can claim to be a great dad at the moment,” Eddie tells him. Christopher came back. That’s what counts. And yet Eddie still feels like he failed him.
“Did you ever kick him out?” Alex asks, “make him feel wrong or unloved or like he doesn’t belong? Because if you can honestly answer no to all of those then you’re already doing a lot better than most parents I know of.”
“I’ve always tried my best,” Eddie says and when he does, he realizes that he doesn’t only mean it about Christoper.
“I know,” Alex says in a way that almost makes Eddie feel like he understands. And then, with a smile, he says, “so tell me about your kid.”
A few days after his illuminating session with Frank, Christopher calls. Or rather, Helena calls probably because she feels bad for the way they just took off with his son and hands the phone to Christopher in what seems like an attempt at a peace offer. Not that Eddie plans on forgiving his parents for taking him away anytime soon, but he still makes note of the show of goodwill.
Christopher pretends not to want to talk to him at first, but Eddie talks at him anyway. He tells him about his day at work, about regular, mundane things, as if everything is fine. Finally, when he tells him about a call where Buck fell out of a tree trying to rescue a cat, Christopher breaks and laughs. After that, they talk every few days. Christopher tells him about Texas, about going to the park with his grandparents and about playing video games with his cousins. Eddie secretly feels like he would have come back much earlier if his sister hadn’t bought that new console for her daughter’s birthday.
Eventually, just a week before school starts again, Christopher tells Eddie that he’s ready to come home. Eddie secretly hoped that he was going to miss school and his friends back in LA, but that little shit still kept it up until almost the last minute. Not that Eddie is complaining. Christopher is coming back and that’s what counts. Besides the excitement, there is also a little bit of anxiety as Eddie knows that there’s one conversation that he has been putting off all summer but that it’s finally time to have.
“Hey Chris, can I talk to you for a second?” Eddie asks, standing in the doorway of Christopher’s room. The door is open, and Christopher is in the middle of unpacking his bags, but it doesn’t feel right to come into the room uninvited.
“Am I in trouble?” Chris asks without looking up from the pile of clothes he’s sorting into his dresser.
“No, of course not, I just thought we should talk,” Eddie says.
“Okay,” Christopher replies.
“I wanted to say that I’m sorry. I know I said it before, but I really mean it. While you were gone I talked to Frank a bit and figured some things out which isn’t an excuse but maybe an explanation. I don’t think I realized how strange I was acting until it was too late,” Eddie tries to explain.
“It’s alright, dad,” Chris tells him, as if it’s old news. Maybe to a teenager, something that happened a few weeks ago is old news or maybe he just doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Eddie is sure his parents already grilled him for all the juicy details while he was staying with them.
“No, it’s not,” Eddie says, “I haven’t really been myself for a while and I thought I could just deal with that on my own but in the end you were caught in the crossfire and that’s not fair on you.”
“Yeah, I guess,” is all Christopher says. Eddie can tell that he just wants him to leave so he can get back to his own stuff, but he also knows that if he doesn’t have this conversation now, he’s just going to fall back into his spiral.
“So this is all still a bit new for me too, but while you were gone I figured some stuff out about myself and it’s important to me that you know,” Eddie says. Christopher doesn’t say anything, but he does pause the task he was on and gives Eddie at least some of his attention, so now probably is as good a time as ever to get it over with.
“I’m gay,” Eddie says as if it’s just that simple. And maybe it is. “I was holding onto whatever feelings I had for your mother because I did really love her, just not like that. But I’ve really made some progress, and I realized that what I had with her was different. And it doesn’t have to change anything, I just wanted you to know,” Eddie says. He could have rambled on and on, but he stops before he can talk himself into a corner.
“Okay,” is all Christopher has to say in return. He's still mad, But Eddie feels a bit relieved to see a small smile on his son's face. Chris then considers for a moment before he continues, “so are you in love with Buck?”
It’s a question Eddie really did not want to have to face tonight, but then he figures why wouldn’t he? It’s one of the many pieces that suddenly fell into place when he allowed himself to really think about it and when he did it was so blatantly clear that it almost seems silly he never noticed it before.
“Yes,” Eddie says, and when he does it all feels almost easy, “I haven’t talked to him about it,” he adds, “I wanted to talk to you first. But it’s next on my list, I promise.”
“Okay,” Christopher says, and that seems to be the end of the conversation for him. Still, his expression is softer than it had been since he came back. Maybe Christopher is still upset for now. Maybe he’ll need more time until everything is back to normal. But at least there are no more lies between them.
Eddie is just about to turn around and leave Christopher to it when his son speaks up again.
"Hey dad," Chris says.
"Yeah?" Eddie asks and turns back to look at him.
"I love you," Chris says for the first time since he got back from Texas.
"Love you too, bud," Eddie replies. Things may still be a bit tense, bur at least he knows that they will be okay.
Eddie expected questions. He still does. Frank warned him that it may take some time for Christopher to really process this information and that he might come back with a bunch of questions later on. But for now, things seem alright. Maybe they will have a more in-depth conversation at some point. Or maybe that’s just all Chris needed to know. Either way, he is back home and he’s back to talking to Eddie, even if only sparingly. It’s progress and that’s all Eddie needs for now.
Telling Alex about Christopher is easy. You’d think it’d be awkward, given their history, but all that is so far in the past and Chris is Eddie’s favorite topic to talk about, so it really isn’t all that much trouble.
There are some parts that Eddie doesn’t talk about. He doesn’t say much about the early years, about how scared he was then. Partially because he doesn’t want to admit that he wasn’t around much during those first few years. Alex already knows about Eddie’s military service so he can probably piece it together, no need to dwell on it, Eddie figures.
So he tells him about the good times. About having breakfast together every morning and watching telenovelas but pretending it’s just to practice Spanish, not because they’re really invested in the characters by now, and he tells him how he taught Chris to fold paper airplanes, the same way Alex taught him when they were kids.
“Sounds like you guys have a lot of fun together,” Alex says, smiling that old familiar Alex smile that Eddie knows so well. Then he narrows his eyes a little bit as he looks at Eddie and says, “you mentioned earlier that you felt like you messed up. Can I ask what you meant by that or would you rather not talk about it?”
“Oh, right, yeah. Chris actually spent the summer in El Paso,” Eddie starts.
“No way,” Alex says excitedly, “did you take him to our old spot by the lake?”
“No actually,” Eddie tries to explain, “I didn’t go with him. He kind of ran away. Not really, he was staying with my parents. But it would have been running away if he wasn’t so smart and responsible.”
“Rebellious,” Alex says, “you only ever made it to my house whenever you tried running away, which was usually the first place your parents came to look so you really should have figured out a better strategy at some point.”
“Yeah but I was an idiot so don’t expect too much,” Eddie says and smiles when he thinks back to the many times he showed up at Alex’s door declaring that he’s running away and never going back only for his mom to come pick him up a few hours later.
“That’s just what kids are like, especially at that age. They run away, they tell you they hate you and you’re the worst. And unless you actually are the worst, you always take them back with open arms and you love them anyway,” Alex says and all of a sudden it occurs to Eddie that he never even considered if Alex has any kids.
“Are you speaking from experience,” Eddie asks carefully.
“Oh no, I just know lots of people who used to be kids with shit parents so I’ve pieced together a few things,” Alex says. And then, with a conspiratorial smile, he adds, “but I’ll get to find out for myself in a few months, so if you have any advice on the whole parenting thing, I’ll take anything I can get.”
“You’re going to have a kid?” Eddie asks.
“Yeah, we found out that my girlfriend is pregnant a few weeks ago. We’ve not really been telling people yet but the whole secrecy is driving me absolutely crazy,” Alex says, and he looks so excited.
“Congrats, man! I’m so happy for you. You’re going to be a great dad,” Eddie says. “Few tips: Don’t go to war immediately after the little one is born, and when they get older, don’t traumatize them by dating a doppelgänger of their late mother.”
“Jesus, Diaz, is that why Christopher ran away?” Alex asks, still smiling, as if Eddie just told a joke. It does kind of sound like a joke, Eddie thinks. He wasn’t really going to get into it, but then again, if anyone might understand, it’s Alex who loved Shannon too.
“Yeah, it was a whole thing,” Eddie tries to explain, “I was going through some shit, but I’ve talked to my therapist about it and we sorted it out.” It sounds almost easy if he says it like that.
“Glad to hear you’re going to therapy,” Alex says. Then he asks, “so I guess that means you broke it off with fake Shannon?”
“It was kind of inevitable,” Eddie says, and then, “turns out I’m gay.” And as he says it, he notices how it doesn’t feel strange to say it anymore. The first time he said it, a few months ago when he told Frank, it set off all the alarm bells in his head. He’s had quite a few opportunities to say it since then.
“Yeah, I guess that would make things a bit awkward,” Alex says, “so that’s a recent revelation then?” It’s just a question, there’s no judgement, Eddie knows that there isn’t. And yet it feels like a polite way of calling him an idiot.
“A couple of months now,” Eddie says, “already told you I’m an idiot, so you know, what did you expect?”
“You’re not an idiot,” Alex says, and Eddie knows that he means it, “and I’m happy for you so don’t even start.” Then Alex stands up from his chair and it startles Eddie a little bit. Before he knows it, Alex has pulled Eddie out of his seat and into a tight hug. He doesn’t let go until Eddie has also wrapped his arms around him.
“So, are you seeing anyone at the moment?” Alex asks in a sing-songy voice after he has sat back down on his chair.
“Well, actually…” Eddie starts, ready to tell him everything and hopes that Alex doesn’t regret he asked. Not that he would, Eddie thinks, it’s a good story after all.
Eddie is grateful when Buck doesn’t bring up his message the next day at work. There isn’t anything more to talk about as far as he’s concerned, Eddie figures. Or maybe Buck is just waiting for him to bring it up first. Either way, they don’t talk about it and everything is normal, at least that’s what it feels like. In a way, it’s comforting to see that his whole world didn’t collapse in on him, the earth didn’t split beneath his feet, and he didn’t fall into the fiery pits of hell. Overall, what more could he ask for?
Still, maybe not everything is exactly the same. Buck brings up seemingly casually how hot some of the guys they meet on calls that day are. It’s something he has been doing ever since he came out himself. Part of his ‘becoming comfortable with his sexuality’ journey, he said. At least he did until Hen pointed out to him that, as happy as she is for him, objectifying men isn’t really much better than objectifying women, so he has toned it down since then.
Today though, he’s really been back at it. And sure, some of the guys were admittedly pretty hot, but for some of them he’s pretty sure Buck is just commenting on them to get some sort of response from Eddie. But he never asks directly, and Eddie is happy enough with not giving him much more than the occasional “yeah sure” or “I guess”.
By the end of their shift, Buck changes to a slightly more offensive strategy.
“Hey, I thought maybe we could go out this weekend?” Buck says seemingly nonchalantly, “you know, you and me and maybe Hen?”
“Yeah, sounds good,” Eddie says. He knows what this is about, and he knows that it might be good for him to go. Still, he wants to have a little bit of fun with it first, “why don’t we ask Chimney and Ravi as well?”
“Yeah, that could be fun,” Buck replies and Eddie can almost see the gears turning in his head trying to come up with the next part of the sentence, “I just thought it might be nice if it’s just the three of us, you know, because we’re all…” he trails off and makes some sort of vague hand gesture.
“Because we’re all what?” Eddie asks even though he knows the answer.
“You know… I don’t want to assume what terms you’re comfortable with or I guess how you identify, and that’s really personal and everyone is on their own journey, so I don’t want to put you in any boxes, but you know… I thought it might be nice for you to spend some time with other LGBT+ people,” Buck finally says.
“Spoken like a true ally,” Eddie teases him, “besides, I hang around you guys all the time.”
“You’re right, forget it,” Buck says and suddenly looks a bit disappointed, almost hurt which really is the last thing Eddie wanted to achieve.
“No, no, it’s a good idea,” Eddie says, “good thing I love spending time with you guys. You pick a bar and I’ll invite Hen. It’s probably better if I talk to her anyway so she knows what’s going on.” When he says it now, it almost seems so simple.
“Are you sure that’s okay?” Buck asks and looks endearingly concerned, “there’s no rush if you’d rather give it some more time.” But Eddie has already made up his mind.
“No, you’re right. It’s taken me long enough already. I think I have to keep moving or else I’ll just get stuck again.” Eddie tells him. And with that, they have a plan.
Eddie holds up his end of the bargain and talks to Hen. It’s a short conversation and she’s less surprised than Eddie thought, or maybe hoped, she would be. In the end, she just tells him she’s happy for him and agrees to come out with them. She insists that that’s a great show of love because she really enjoys her usual evening routine and being in bed by 9 pm and Eddie thanks her for her sacrifice.
Buck texts him the address of a bar that looks nice enough and announces that he is going to be the designated driver for the night because he’s just that good of a friend.
“That’s what you’re going to wear?” is the first thing Buck asks as Eddie gets into the passenger seat.
“What’s wrong with it?” Eddie asks, trying his best not to sound like a man who has tried on nearly everything in his closet and finally landed on a black t-shirt and slightly distressed blue jeans. He did try on a few dress shirts, including a Hawaiian shirt that he bought on vacation years ago and never worn since, but somehow none of it felt right.
“No, it’s fine. If this is what you chose then I support you,” Buck says as though he rehearsed the line.
“You’re literally wearing a polo and jeans,” Eddie tries to defend himself.
“Yeah, but tonight isn’t about me,” Buck argues, “besides, at least it’s a pink polo.”
“Whatever,” Eddie says and shakes his head, but he can’t hide his smile.
They pick up Hen on the way to the bar and after a short drive and an almost equally as long search for a parking spot, they’ve finally made it to the place that Buck chose.
The bar is relatively small and dimly lit. The walls and ceiling are completely covered in posters of people Eddie doesn’t recognize and pages from various magazines. From the outside, they could already see a number of different pride flags that are hanging in the window. Eddie recognizes the rainbow flag and the bisexual flag, which Buck pointed out to him a while ago, but he isn’t sure about all of the other ones. For a moment he wonders if that’s something he should know now.
“Why don’t you guys sit over there, and I get us the first round?” Buck asks as they step into the room that smells a little bit sweet and a little bit like cigarette smoke, despite the sign behind the bar that says that smoking isn’t allowed. He points to an empty table in the corner and Eddie is all too happy to sit on the plush velvet couch, hidden away behind the table.
“What do you want?” Buck asks before Hen and Eddie can make their way over to the table. Eddie glances over to the drinks list on the chalkboard behind the bar. Ultimately, he decides to get a beer, partially because he likes it and partially because all of the cocktails have names that would feel strange to say out loud, especially to Buck. Hen orders the same and although Buck tells them that they’re lame, he turns around to go over to the bar.
Once they’re seated, Eddie takes a look around. Suddenly he realizes that they must be the oldest people there. A song Eddie doesn’t know is playing from the speakers far too loud for his taste and a few people have pushed some of the tables to the side to dance. Most of them can’t be much older than twenty-one, Eddie thinks. They’re wearing outrageous outfits, all shoulder pads, metal chains, mesh tops, and flowy skirts. And as he observes the people around him, Eddie suddenly feels more like a chaperone than a part of the group.
“You alright over there?” Hen asks him and gently places her hand on his shoulder.
“Yeah, all good,” Eddie says, but then he adds, “doesn’t it feel like we’re too old for this kind of place?”
“I guess most people our age are in bed by now because they have work in the morning,” Hen tells him and laughs. Then she looks at him earnestly and says, “but I guess you never got to be young when you were their age, did you?”
“I definitely didn't go to places like this when I was twenty,” Eddie says as if it’s a joke, but he knows that it isn’t.
“Do you think you would have liked to?” Hen asks.
“I spent a lot of time trying not to think about what I would like back then. Felt like it didn’t really matter so why dwell on it?” Eddie tells her and it’s not until he sees the look on her face that he realizes how depressing that must sound.
Fortunately, there isn’t time to dig himself into a deeper hole, because at that moment, Buck appears at their table with two bottles of beer and a bright blue drink with a pineapple wedge and a little pink umbrella.
“Alright party people, what are we talking about?” Buck says as he sets the drinks down on the table.
“What kind of parties were you going to when you were twenty-one?” Hen replies and Eddie is grateful that she does.
“Oh God, definitely nothing like this,” Buck says and a big smile forms on his face as he thinks back. This starts a long-winded recollection of various tailgate parties that Buck went to when he was way too young to drink and the frat parties he continued to go to long after he dropped out of college, most of which he doesn’t remember at all, which is probably for the best.
Eddie is happy to listen to him talk, both because he’s always happy to listen to Buck, but also because it’s comfortable. He can sit back and listen, and that’s all he has to do for now.
They finish their drinks while Buck continues his tales of youthful misadventures, and even Hen contributes one or two stories from the previously unknown reckless past of Henrietta Wilson.
“Alright, time for the next round?” Buck asks and slams both hands on the table.
“I think I’m done. I don’t want to regret this tomorrow,” Hen says and although Buck and Eddie tease her for being boring and responsible they don’t press her about it.
“I guess I’ll do another beer,” Eddie says hesitantly but Buck immediately shuts him down.
“Tell you what, next round is on me, but I get to pick something for you,” Buck says and because they both know that he won’t take no for an answer, Eddie and Hen agree. After a quick trip to the bar, Buck returns with three drinks and a mischievous glint in his eye.
“A virgin Moscow Mule for you,” Buck says as he hands Hen a copper cup with a mint leaf garnish. “Pink lemonade for myself,” he says and puts down a tall glass that’s filled with more crushed ice than lemonade, “and a Screaming Orgasm for you, my friend,” as he sets down a glass topped with whipped cream and a maraschino cherry in front of Eddie.
Eddie tries his best not to be childish about it and, as a sign of goodwill, takes a sip from the sweet drink. It tastes almost like a milkshake, if it wasn’t for the subtle burning of the vodka in the back of his throat. It wouldn’t be half bad if Eddie wasn’t already feeling a bit nauseous.
“Not bad, Buckley,” Hen says after taking a sip from her own drink.
“What can I say,” Buck replies, “if there’s one thing I know it’s drinks.”
“I’m pretty sure the last time we got drunk together you poured straight tequila into my mouth,” Eddie says to debunk his claim. He tries not to pay attention to Hen’s raised eyebrow.
“Yeah, yeah, that was different. You have to scope out the vibe and match your choice of drink. I guess you wouldn’t know anything about those nuances,” Buck says jokingly and makes a dismissive hand gesture.
“Oh excuse me, I didn’t know we were talking to a professional,” Hen says in a sarcastic tone but Buck just gleams at her proudly.
“Alright, hurry up now, I want to dance,” Buck exclaims after a few blissful moments spent sipping on their respective drinks and not saying a word. They’re here to have fun, and it seems Buck is on a mission to make sure they do. Hen is about to protest, but Buck immediately cuts her off and tells her that he won’t accept any excuses, so she reluctantly follows him but takes her drink with her to the makeshift dancefloor.
Then, Buck extends his hand out to Eddie, who figures there’s no use arguing, so he takes one more, large sip from his overwhelmingly sweet drink and takes the hand that is offered to him. Buck doesn’t let go of his hand all the way to where Hen is already swaying her hips to the music. Eddie is just about to let go of Buck, when he raises their joint hands and spins underneath them.
Eddie still doesn’t know the song that is playing, he doesn’t think he’s recognized any of the songs since they got here, but Buck seems to know it as he is mouthing the words, seemingly lost in the moment. As he watches the colorful lights cast Buck’s hair and face in shades of blue, Eddie suddenly feels overwhelmed. Maybe this was a bad idea after all, they should have talked first, or he should have given it some more time. All he knows is that he has to get out of there.
Eddie wanted to have a fun, casual night out with his friends tonight, but somehow everything is just too much now. The music is too loud and the lights are too bright and he feels like everyone can tell that he doesn’t fit in. That he doesn’t belong.
“I think I want to go home,” Eddie says, so quietly that he worries the others didn’t hear him over the music.
“Are you alright?” Buck asks and looks so concerned that it almost makes Eddie feel bad.
“Yeah, absolutely, but I think maybe Hen’s right and I’m getting too old to stay out at bars all night,” Eddie says.
“I never said that,” Hen tries to defend herself, but it doesn’t really have the desired effect, because she’s subtly been trying to hint that she wants to go home for the past half hour or so.
“Fine, I guess I appreciate everyone’s effort,” Buck yields and then dramatically exclaims “can’t believe I’m only friends with lame old people, but such is the fate of the youngest, hippest person in any friend group, I guess.”
“Yeah, yeah, you’re cool and we’re lame, now please drive us home?” Eddie says. Buck gives them a satisfied smile and finally leads them through the door where the cool night air almost instantly clears all the sensations from Eddie’s brain.
They drive back in silence, but it’s not a bad silence. Buck is driving, his eyes fixed on the road. The voices on the radio are probably reporting the news, but it’s too quiet for Eddie to make out any of the words. Eddie notices the light from Hen’s phone shining from the back seat.
“Thanks for driving,” Hen says as they drop her off at her house, “tonight was fun but I need to get to bed unless you want to deal with sleep-deprived me tomorrow at work.” She shuts the car door behind her and is about to walk off, when she turns around and knocks on Buck’s window. He rolls it down and she leans over to look at Eddie.
“And Eddie, I’m really proud of you. I know it’s scary, but you’ll be alright. I’m always here for you if you need anything, we all are,” she says and gives him a warm smile. For a moment Eddie considers getting out of the car to hug her, but he figures that would be a bit much. Maybe tomorrow.
Before Eddie can reply anything, Hen has already turned back around and as she’s leaving, she calls over her shoulder, “and make sure that you get home safe, I also don’t want to deal with sleep-deprived you guys tomorrow at work.”
Buck drives them back to Eddie’s house and when they get there, Eddie doesn’t think for a moment before he asks him if he wants to come in. And it doesn’t take Buck even a second to tell him that he doesn’t have anywhere to be.
And then it’s them. The two of them, like it always is. Eddie never really thought about it until recently, but Buck is at his house so much he doesn’t really feel like a guest anymore. He’s not worried about how tidy the house is when Buck is over, because he’s seen it all before anyway. And Eddie never feels like he has to come up with things to do or talk about, because there’s always something, and even if there isn’t he knows that Buck is happy to just be around and not talk alongside each other.
If Eddie expected things to be different now, he couldn’t say. Maybe that’s what he was afraid of. That things would change, and they wouldn’t be like this anymore, that whatever role they’ve played in each other’s lives up until now would suddenly feel like it has to mean something. But then, as he’s unlocking the door and leading Buck into the kitchen to see if he has any drinks he can offer him, everything feels just the same as it always has.
“So, did you have a good time tonight?” Buck asks as he shoves a handful of peanuts into his mouth. They opted for a snack because they both are kind of hungry and neither of them should probably be having a beer right now, which unfortunately is the only drink in Eddie’s fridge at the moment.
“It was definitely a new experience,” Eddie tells him truthfully.
“Okay, you’re dodging the question, but I’ll take it,” Buck replies and after a moment of consideration he asks, “and did you see any guys that caught your eye?”
For a second Eddie is taken aback, like Buck just crossed a line, said something out loud that they agreed not to. But then they never made that agreement, he realizes, and if anything the whole point of tonight was to ease into the idea of him being gay and it being a normal thing. Just another aspect of who he is. Nothing to feel irrational about.
“Everyone there was a bit young for my taste, don’t you think?” Eddie tries to deflect but to no avail.
“Okay, fine. How about outside of tonight? How about that guy who set his kitchen on fire trying to make a grilled cheese? He was pretty cute if you look past the terrible cooking skills. Although, that could be kind of charming,” Buck probes him further.
“I don’t know, I don’t think he’s really my type,” Eddie says. Not because he really thinks he has a type, but mostly because he barely remembers the man in question. He was conventionally attractive, sure, but Eddie wouldn’t be able to say anything beyond that.
“So what’s your type then, or are you still figuring that out?” Buck asks and as if he suddenly worries that the words sounded too harsh, he adds, “it’s okay if you are.”
And the truth is, Eddie knows. He knows exactly what his answer is. He knows why he didn’t really pay attention to any of the guys Buck pointed out all day and he knows what he has to say because he’s been practicing it in his head ever since he figured it out for himself. And still, when he says it the words sound timid and uncertain, as if this is not the only thing Eddie is sure of in his whole life right now.
“It’s you,” he says, carefully, like he’s giving an answer on a test.
“What?” Buck asks and if he didn’t look so genuine Eddie would be tempted to take it back again and make something up.
“I think I’m in love with you,” Eddie says, more certain this time, because there’s no going back now anyway. “You don’t have to say anything. I just thought you should know and I know you won’t be mad or weird about it or anything, but I’ve been trying to tell you and now I did so do with that what you will,” Eddie rambles if just to fill the silence.
For an excruciatingly long couple of seconds, Buck doesn’t say anything. He just looks at Eddie as if to work out what he just said from the look on his face. For just a moment, Eddie has time to feel something painfully close to doubt, but then it all goes up in smoke when Buck speaks again.
“Then kiss me,” Buck says firmly. Eddie isn’t sure he heard him correctly, but he doesn’t want to ask either. Somehow the moment feels too fragile, like any movement could cause it to shatter.
“Kiss me so I know you mean it,” Buck repeats himself, “because I really don’t want to mess this up and if you’re not ready that’s okay. I’ve just really wanted to kiss you since forever but I don’t want to have to beat myself up for moving too fast or…”
“I think we’re long past moving too fast,” Eddie interrupts him because he knows that if he doesn’t Buck will just keep going. When he stands up straight from where he was leaning back against the kitchen counter, Eddie suddenly becomes hyper-aware of just how close they are.
“Then why are you still talking?” Buck asks him in little more than a whisper. Suddenly it all seems so simple. They were always going to end up here, Eddie realizes, it just took them a little time to figure it out. So there’s no rush now. Not like there was with Shannon, and not at all like there was with Alex. Without the uncertainty, there is nothing but time to look deep into Buck’s eyes. To gently push back his hair and allow his hand to linger at the nape of Buck’s neck. To softly exhale against the corner of his mouth until he’s completely sure that Buck isn’t going to pull away.
In the dim kitchen light, Eddie kisses his best friend and suddenly he feels like a teenager again, being kissed for the very first time. Only this time he knows that it’s right. This time he’s not going to run away.
And when they finally part again, the world doesn’t stop spinning. Buck is still there, looking so soft and indescribably beautiful that Eddie can’t imagine ever wanting to kiss anybody else.
“Stay?” Eddie asks carefully. And there is no doubt in his voice, when Buck replies, “always.”
“Oh wow, that must have driven your friends crazy,” Alex says, laughing, after Eddie tells him all about Buck and how they got together and how much less surprised everyone at work was than they thought they would be.
“I don’t know what you mean,” Eddie replies in mock offence because he does, in fact, know exactly what Alex means.
“Jesus, imagine having to work with two people who are obviously in love every day but they just for the life of them can’t figure it out. I’ve seen it before, but the tricky thing is that they have to figure it out themselves, if you tell them to get it together and just admit that they’re in love they just deny it,” Alex elaborates. He shakes his head but there is still a big smile on his face, “it’s a sweet story, but I’m glad I wasn’t there for the years of will-they-won’t-they.”
“Oh don’t worry, after the initial well wishes, we have had to listen to a few lectures about it,” Eddie says only half-jokingly.
He tells Alex a bit about Buck and Christopher and their little family. And then Alex tells him about his girlfriend Jamie, who is a jazz singer and much more grounded than he is. He says he has been thinking about taking a break from acting when the baby is born if they can afford it, and Eddie assures him that he’d be happy to babysit if they would ever consider relocating to LA. And despite the fifteen-year gap, it really feels like they’re old friends.
“You should come to my show tonight. Chris and Buck too,” Alex says after they get up from their table, “you’re lucky we still have a few tickets left. It’s usually sold out, but I’m sure I can pull some strings for my oldest friend.”
“Yeah, I’m sure my boys would love it,” Eddie says, “and me too, of course.”
“You better! Not to oversell it, but I’m wearing a pretty racy costume for most of the second act and I look really hot in it if I say so myself,” Alex says and winks, “wouldn’t blame ya if it made you want to kiss me again.” The words send a sudden rush of terror down Eddie’s spine. He made it so far only to fail on the finish line.
“You remember that,” Eddie observes quietly.
“Of course I remember that,” Alex says cheerfully. As if they weren’t supposed to never talk about that ever again. “Turns out I’m not really into guys in the end, but for a while there you had me guessing,” he adds.
“I’m sorry,” Eddie says because it feels like he should.
“Don’t be,” Alex shuts him down immediately, “you’ve got nothing to apologize for.” He smiles so sincerely that Eddie is glad he brought it up. And for the first time since he was a teenager, Eddie knows that Alex is right.
“You’re a good friend,” Eddie says. Fifteen years of friendship they’ve lost. And now it’s all blown over. It felt so final back then. But sometimes the big feelings you have when you’re seventeen turn out not to be so big after all.
“Don’t mention it,” Alex says, “although I might put you down as a reference the next time someone rejects my objectively great advice.” And then he pulls Eddie into another hug. When he lets go again he points his finger at Eddie and says, “I’ll see you tonight, okay? And stay behind after the show if it’s not too late for an old man like you. I’d love to meet your boys.”
“Of course,” Eddie says. He can’t wait for Chris and Buck to meet Alex. He’s family after all. More than some of his blood relatives are. So this time he knows that he means it when he tells Alex that he'll see him tonight.