Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

This time, it hurts before she wakes up. It might be the pain itself that wakes her; Jackie isn’t sure. But she doesn’t feel like someone’s clawing at her very being, so it’s actually a much pleasanter experience.

Nevertheless, she shouts as she sits up.

‘Agh, fuck !’

Her hands — hand, actually, one of them doesn’t respond — automatically grabs at her sheets, to ground herself from the terrible nightmare of being stuck in the middle of nowhere, only they aren’t sheets after all. Two blankets and two jackets have been piled on top of her.

The team did this? Jackie thinks. Aww. The bottom layer is notably a jacket — Shauna’s.

Shauna started it.

She resists the sudden urge to throw that one off herself in retribution. Jackie blinks, and takes stock of her surroundings.

She’s on the floor of the cabin, in front of the fireplace, which still seems to be smouldering happily, as the ash of a hell-of-a-lot-of wood slowly disintegrates. It’s warm. Some daylight seems to be coming through the windows, but Jackie can’t tell much from that.

How long have I been asleep?

‘Hello?’ she calls out to the empty room. The empty building, apparently, since no one comes running. God, her chest hurts even with that one syllable. How badly is she injured?

Jackie makes a list in her head:

1. Chest hurts.
2. Ear hurts.
3. Toes hurt.
4. Left arm–

–is completely absent from feeling .

She frantically pulls back the blanket-jacket-sheets to check that it’s still, well, attached. And it is.

As soon as she’s looked at it, however, she wishes that it was not. From below the elbow — her brain supplies a list of colourful adjectives: green, mouldy, blistering, festering, dying—

Jackie replaces the covers, and tries not to cry. She succeeds, to her own surprise.

At least I’m alive , she thinks.

For now.

So it’s still here, then. Just quieter.

Which means it’s got limits. It’s got weaknesses.

We can defeat it.

…___…—…___…

Time passes. Probably not much, but after looking at her arm, whatever mental block she had on feeling it has been lifted, and the seconds drag like manacles.

The itchiness is the worst of it.

Well, that’s a lie, but if she focuses on that , she can dampen the rest.

There’s a commotion outside. Voices waft through the door. Jackie strains to decipher the words—

It slams open.

‘I don’t care if it’s necessary , Misty, you can’t do that to her while she’s asleep !’

‘Shauna, she’ll die!’ Misty retorts, as four of the girls essentially shove their way into the cabin — Shauna, Misty, Tai and Van, in that order — taking no notice of Jackie. Initially.

‘We know you’ve got Jackie’s best interests in mind, Shauna,’ says Tai, every inch a mediator, ‘but she doesn’t have time—’

‘Fuck off! You can’t chop off her fucking arm —’

‘Guys!’

Van’s pointing at Jackie. The other three whirl around with impressive synchronicity.

Jackie waves.

‘Hi,’ she says cheerfully, just to watch them all squirm a little. Gallows humour is easy to fall into and tricky to get out of, it seems. ‘How long was I asleep?’

‘A day and a half,’ says Tai. ‘How you feeling, captain?’

So she’s captain again. And all it took was nearly dying. ‘Well, I’ve had better days, I’ll be honest with you.’

Van laughs. Misty plonks herself down at Jackie’s bedside before any of them knew she’d moved at all.

‘Medical check-up!’ she announces theatrically. ‘All non-medical personnel please vacate the room!’

‘Fat chance,’ says Tai, glancing at Shauna sideways, as though expecting her to make a charge at Misty. 

But Shauna just stares, like she has been since she first looked at the very-awake Jackie. Jackie’s not even sure she’s blinked.

Her jaw is grinding. Her hands keep twitching like they want to close into fists. Her eyes are yelling so many things all at once, and Jackie knows how to hear them all.

I love you. I hate you. I’m so glad you’re not dead. I’m so glad you’re hurt. I’m so annoyed that I’m not.

There’s a vague yet hidden in that last one that Jackie doesn’t like. Shauna doesn’t speak. She’s brooding again. It’s nice to know this is real, at least.

Then Misty prods her toes, and Jackie shrieks.

‘Ow! What the hell did you do that for?’

‘Feeling for frostbite,’ answers Misty. ‘I was so focused on the arm and the ear that I didn’t check the other extremities—’

‘You didn’t check?! ’ 

Shauna’s voice, welling up out of nowhere, like it’s coming out of silence even though Misty’s voice is quite carrying, runs through Jackie like fire.

She cares. She cares .

She makes herself not think about it. She doesn’t think her heart can take it right now — and she’s about to be very busy.

She’s still got to save her team.

‘So, doc?’ Jackie says, as much to break the quiet following Shauna’s outburst as anything else. ‘What’s the trouble?’

Misty brightens at being called doc , even comedically.

‘Well, you’ve clearly still got active nerve endings in your feet, so those aren’t an immediate concern,’ says Misty way-too-chipperly, ‘and I think your ear might be fine as well—

‘My ear?’

‘Looks frostbitten,’ supplies Tai helpfully.

‘Right,’ continues Misty. ‘but your … well … er—’

‘Your arm looks dead,’ says Van.

Tai elbows her.

‘Yeah. I heard something about, um, chopping it off?’ says Jackie. Don’t feel anything about this. It’s fine . Do not panic. You aren’t allowed to panic.

‘Unfortunately, yes.’ Misty’s concern sounds just a little false. ‘Alongside what I’m pretty sure is fourth degree frostbite, you’ve also got severe gangrene — that means that the flesh is quite literally already rotting…’

She keeps talking, but Jackie lets the rest of the words wash over her, staring blankly at her left arm. She tries to move it a little beneath the covers, but everything below the elbow just … isn’t there. And yet it also somehow hurts? At the same time? A deep ache mixed with stinging, like it’s on fire — and also like it’s coming apart at the seams, like a cloud of hurt more than an arm.

It’s dead , she thinks suddenly. She almost burst into tears.

‘I’ll die if we don’t amputate it, right?’

There’s a series of nods from the other three — Shauna just stares, and gulps.

Weaker and weaker. Poor little Jackie, so sorry for herself.

…

‘ Right then,’ Jackie says, with conviction

…___…—…___…

It becomes an Event, somehow. Not quite as, well, extravagant as Doomcoming, but still, nearly everyone is there. Their pot is warming in the fire, empty this time. Sparks fly every so often, and the light therefrom plus the snow-muffled sun through the windows creates odd dissonance, unworldly somehow. A kind of reverent hush permeates the cabin — not quite silence, but not exactly anything else either. Everyone has long since stopped pretending that they aren’t here to watch, and there are lots of whispered conversations.

Jackie has missed being the centre of attention.

She’d give anything to be otherwise now.

There are only three absentees. Javi, who’s still missing, and Misty, who’s … preparing, and Shauna, who made some excuse about cutting up more of the meat they don’t have. Speaking of—

‘Nat?’ says Jackie suddenly. Nat stops pretending to clean the gun.

‘Yeah?’

‘We need more hunters. Like, double shifts. Teach some other people so they can hunt when you’re sleeping, and vice-versa.’

‘It’s dangerous out there at night,’ says Van. She would know, of course.

‘I don’t know,’ Jackie allows, desperate to think about anything other than what’s about to happen. She’s surprised at how easy it is to slip back into Captain-Mode — she feels quite authoritative for someone lying on the floor in a bunch of rags. ‘We can’t keep on like this, though. We’ll starve before we make it through the winter.’

‘The Wilderness will provide—’ begins Lottie.

And the glare.

The glare Jackie shoots her freezes her in place. Suddenly, Lottie isn’t the magic prophet or whatever she’s been calling herself; she’s just a highschooler, scared of the queen bee. Jackie relishes in it a little.

Then she sighs.

‘I need to talk to you later, Lottie,’ is all she says. Lottie nods, snatchily.

‘If you don’t die —’

Someone kicks Mari in the shin before she can say any more.

And, to everyone’s shock, Jackie laughs.

She’s missed her team. More to the point, she’s missed feeling like she’s a part of it.

‘Thank you all for being here,’ she says. ‘It means a lot.’

Her team all glance at each other awkwardly. There’s some mumbled no problems and the like. Even Coach Ben seems uncomfortable with Jackie’s cheerful attitude.

‘Any pointers?’ she asks him, glancing at his leg, hoping to make light of the situation.

‘Er,’ he informs her helpfully.

Misty enters, carrying the woodaxe and a log.

Proper, all consuming silence runs through the cabin.

‘Oh! Wow, everyone’s here,’ she says. ‘That’s good — I’ll need a second pair of hands.’

Tai volunteers. The speed with which she does it makes Jackie think that she was told to — did Shauna tell her to look after Jackie in her place?

If she did, then why isn’t she here herself?

Because she hates you too much to even look at you — Nope, that’s enough out of you.

Misty’s talking. Jackie tunes in halfway through.

‘—we have a little time, because you’re not bleeding out, so we can do this properly. So, with this log, me and Taissa are going to put it under your left arm and — well — break it.’

‘You need to break my arm? Can’t you just, y’know…?’ She mimes swinging an axe.

‘This makes for a cleaner cut. So, we’ll break the arm, then I’ll’ — Misty mimes swinging too — ‘and then we’ll use the pot to cauterise the, um, stump.’

Jackie nods. Be calm.

‘Cauterise means, like, burn it shut, right?’

‘Yes,’ says Misty, placing the log under Jackie’s elbow.

‘Won’t that hurt?’ she asks.

‘It’ll be the worst bit—’ Misty begins, clearly building to a but — but Coach Ben gets there first.

‘Yes, it will hurt.’ His face is pale. ‘Very badly. You’ll want to die.’

This rings.

‘Yeah, well, what else is new?’ says Jackie, grinning. Everyone knows it’s false. But they’re at least nice enough not to comment on it—

‘Wait, Jackie,’ says Van, and Jackie realises that her team is staring at her, with a concern and shock that wasn’t quite present before. ‘What did you mean by that?’

‘Mean by what?’

‘Were you trying to die out there?’

…

She isn’t sure.

‘I’m not going to come apart on you guys,’ is what she says instead. ‘I’m your captain, and I’ve … been failing you every day since you got here. I’m supposed to protect you, and instead I’ve been — I’m fussy, I know, and this stupid place really doesn’t fucking suit me, but that’s no excuse. I’m sorry. I’m your captain . I’m not gonna come apart on you.’ Jackie stares at all of them. ‘I’m gonna get you all out of here.’

No one seems to know what to say. A gust of wind blows outside, and Jackie feels like a heroine again.

‘Alright,’ says Misty softly, grabbing the corpse-arm as Tai puts her hands on Jackie’s left shoulder and elbow. ‘We’re ready, captain.’

She means it. Jackie could cry.

‘Go for it.’

‘Bite down on this.’ A wooden spoon is handed to her. ‘So you don’t bite off your tongue. Also it helps to scream into, apparently.’

Fun.

She bites.

Misty and Tai make eye contact, and count down silently.

Jackie’s bombarded with an influx of Things: riding a bike, putting hair ties on, even just carrying bags — stuff she didn’t even realise she was doing with two hands, stuff she’ll never get to do in the same way again; if at all .

Oh god.

Goodbye, left hand. I hardly knew you.

Tai pushes her down against the floor, hard. Misty does the same. Her arm, straddled across the log, bends the wrong way .

She feels it snap just before the pain comes rolling in, right at the elbow, where there’s the weakness of a joint. She screams into the wooden spoon. And y’know what, it does help.

But not much.

‘Step one, done!’ cheers Misty. Tai gives her a Look. They move the log.

It jostles Jackie’s now-broken arm, and she sees stars.

You think you can heal wounds I made? Survive them?

I am not to be survived, girl. 

Oh great, it’s back. And getting louder. Can it only target us when we’re in pain? Or injured?

Misty has an axe. Time is getting difficult to keep track of — and with all the Yellowjackets here, and with a scattered mind, it’s concerningly similar to her nightmare in the snow.

I’m not outside anymore. I lived through that.

Not yet, you didn’t.

Misty swings.

Jackie wails. She’s not worried about appearing weak to her team. This hurts .

And there’s a hint of anger in her screams, creeping in at the edges. A hint of defiance. Of grit.

Misty swings again. Did she not get it the first time? Jackie feels blood pouring into the sheets, pooling down near her side.

Misty swings once again — and Jackie knows this was the time, because she suddenly feels all lopsided. Unbalanced.

She’s briefly struck with how wrong the feeling is, and the Wilderness latches onto the thought like a leech.

It would be easier to go back, wouldn’t it?

Shut up.

To still be whole?

I’ll survive this . 

I can make you whole…

Jackie remembers another thing she used her left arm for.

Hugs.

She wishes Shauna was here.

Yeah, you can make me whole, by swallowing me whole!

I swallow you? Oh, how ironic.

…What—?

The pot, red hot and steaming, is pressed against where her arm used to be.

…___…—…___…

Shauna hears the noise she makes all the way from the meatshed. If she didn’t know better, she’d say it wasn’t human.

But she knows all of Jackie’s noises.

You did this to her .

She refocuses on the knife. It’s blood-red.

…___…—…___…

Minutes pass.

Jackie remains conscious.

She wishes otherwise, so very badly.

Then sleep. It’s so easy.

Oh, get fucked .

It seems to get the message. It won’t take her today.

More minutes pass. The pot was removed a while ago, she thinks. Coherence drags her back into its spotlight, and every heartbeat hurts. Pulses into her arm like molten steel.

Tai’s here. So’s Van, and Nat, and Lottie, a little further away. It’s difficult to make their faces come into focus.

‘How’d it go?’ she asks, after a while.

‘Misty says you’re gonna pull through,’ answers Van.

‘Great. Pull through. Excellent news.’

‘She said we should try and keep you awake, though,’ says Nat. ‘I thought that was for concussions, but what-fucking-ever.’

‘...’

‘So,’ says Lottie, ‘what do you want to talk about?’ What did you want to talk to me about? goes unsaid. But Jackie answers that one anyway.

‘Your Wilderness?’

‘Well, it’s not mine —’

‘It’s real. I met it, when I was out there.

Van, Tai and Nat all share a look. Lottie seems ecstatic, in a muted sort of way.

‘I told you,’ she smiles.

Jackie smiles back.

‘It’s gonna fucking kill us,’ she says cheerfully.