Chapter Text
It finally hits Tao by the end of November.
He has gone about trying to support Nick in the wrong way. Of course, he had help coming to that realization.
Thanks to Charlie.
Tao glances at his phone. His heart leaps to his throat.
Daffodil Clinic.
“Charlie?” he immediately answers.
“Hiya,” Charlie says.
His voice sounds different from the first time they spoke. Lighter. More than Tao has heard in a long while.
“Is now a bad time?”
“Definitely not,” Tao says.
It wouldn’t matter if he was hanging upside down over a vat of acid. Tao closes his bedroom door.
“It’s good to hear your voice.”
“Same,” Charlie replies. “I can’t wait to see you all.”
“We feel the same.” Tao suddenly realizes something. “You saw Nick, didn’t you? Did he —?”
“He showed me the film.” Tao hears a shuddery exhale. “Tao …”
“Was it bad?” Tao asks, worriedly. “I hope it didn’t make you feel left out. Maybe I should’ve waited until you’re back.”
“I loved it.” Tao falls silent. “Obviously I wish I was there for it, but I’m working on that with my therapist. Tao,” he repeats. “It’s the nicest gift anyone’s given me.”
“Don’t start crying,” Tao warns when he hears a sniff. “You’ll make me start and Mum will think I’m in here watching Romeo & Juliet for the tenth time this month.”
There’s silence on the other end of the line. Tao realizes what he’s just revealed.
“Hey, I’m Tao,” the little boy says.
The curly-haired boy looks at him.
“Charlie.”
“Cool.”
Tao searches for something else to say. His eyes zero in on Charlie’s notebook. Perfect.
“Do you like Radiohead?”
Perking up, Charlie replies, “Yeah.”
“Me, too. Have you seen the Romeo & Juliet movie from the Nineties?”
Charlie listens to him with interest.
“It’s one of my favorite movies, and it’s got a Radiohead song in the credits.” Tao sits back in his chair. “It makes me cry, like, every time.”
“Is that supposed to make me less likely to cry?” Charlie chokes out through laughter.
“Sorry,” Tao chuckles. “You really like it? You’re not just saying that?”
“I do,” Charlie confirms. “The Imogen and Sahar thing makes more sense now as well. Even with your recap, I couldn’t really wrap my head around it. Seeing it play out … I think they’d be really cute together.”
“Yeah?” Tao says, doubtfully. “They’re both great, don’t get me wrong. I want them to be happy. I just think they’re such different personalities.”
“So are me and Nick,” Charlie acknowledges.
“Yeah, but everyone knows you two were created in a lab.” Charlie makes a noise of protest. “I know you know I’m right, Charlie Spring. You two are the exception; not the rule.”
“Fine,” Charlie scoffs. There’s a brief pause. “Have you seen much of Nick?”
Not: “How is Nick?”
Tao hesitates.
“Mostly in school,” Tao replies. “Why do you ask?”
“Why do you sound nervous?”
Tao bites the inside of his cheek.
“I mostly see him with the rugby lads. Elle told me he spends some time with Tara and Imogen individually.” Tao pauses for a beat. “I think I’ve been pissing him off.”
“Nick’s not easily pissed off,” Charlie replies.
He now sounds stressed, which is the absolute last thing that Tao wants for Charlie.
“Are you two fighting?”
“Nothing like that,” Tao reassures. “You know how when something’s going on, I need to be around people. Around friends.”
Like when my dad died.
Tao clears his throat.
“I guess I maybe took for granted that sometimes people process better on their own,” Tao murmurs. “I’ve sort of been … trying too hard to get Nick to spend time with us.”
In retrospect, of course Nick was resistant. Charlie’s absence is always felt, but it’s even more profound when they’re together and he isn’t with them.
He is the heart of their friend group.
“He’s seemed lighter, though. Energy-wise since visiting you.” Charlie releases an exhale. “I can hear the difference in your voice.”
“Yeah,” Charlie says, quietly. “I’m lucky. I didn’t expect much going into this.”
They talk for a little while longer. Charlie eventually needs to get going and they start saying their farewells.
Charlie speaks again before ending the call.
“Tao.”
“Yeah?”
“It means a lot you’ve tried to include him,” Charlie says. “For me, and I know for him.”
Charlie takes a deep breath.
“I can’t say for sure since I haven’t seen it,” he continues, “but I’d bet the role reversal has weighed on him.”
“Role reversal?”
“Don’t laugh. I’ve been thinking a lot about love languages the past few weeks.” Tao rolls his lips and covers his mouth with a fist. “Quit it.”
Laughter bubbles past his lips.
“Sorry,” Tao wheezes.
Charlie tuts.
“Anyway. I know I’m ‘words of affirmation.’ Obviously,” Charlie scoffs. “I’d put money on yours being ‘quality time.’”
Tao wouldn’t want any part of that bet. He knows that Charlie is correct.
“I used to think Nick was ‘physical touch.’ Maybe he is as well,” Charlie concedes. “He’s never fit into any one box for anything. Why start forcing it now?”
Tao waits as his best friend presumably gathers his thoughts.
“But that’s only for receiving love. For expressing it, I think Nick falls under ‘acts of service,’” Charlie says. “He’ll do anything for anyone. But he never asks for anything in return.”
That was a glass-shattering moment for Tao.
He realizes that he really cannot think of a time when Nick asked anything of anyone. The closest that he came was insisting Tao not confront Charlie about what was going on after Nick’s birthday at the zoo.
Even that set of circumstances was fraught with emotions and led to the outburst. So uncharacteristic in terms of what Tao had seen of Nick up to that point.
Tao has tried supporting Nick without considering what is characteristic for him. He sees that now.
Nick needs support from his friends. What Nick doesn’t need — or want — them doing is what he perceives as coddling.
Nick needs to feel as though he’s the rock.
***
“You came,” Tao says, opening the door.
“You called,” Nick says, drily. Tao rolls his eyes. “What am I walking into?”
“A mess,” Tao replies, candidly.
“Tao,” Nick answers the phone. He sounds tired. “Is everything all right?”
“Physically and emotionally? Yeah,” Tao says. “Culinarily? I’m up a creek without a paddle.”
There’s a pregnant pause.
“… Sorry?”
“Jesus Christ,” Nick mutters as he enters the kitchen. “You weren’t exaggerating about being helpless in the kitchen.”
“When have I ever exag — oh, shut it,” Tao grouses when Nick shoots him a pointed look. “Is any of this salvageable?”
“Doubtful,” Nick says. He rolls up his sleeves. “Lucky for you, I’ve been watching a lot of British Bake Off.”
“Explain to me why you’ve decided to give Elle the one thing you’re incapable of giving her?” Nick questions. “Namely, something edible.”
“Oi. I’m romantic.”
“You are,” Nick confirms. “But Christmas is weeks away and her birthday isn’t until spring.”
“Haven’t you and Charlie ever done something for each other? Just because?”
Tao waits for Nick’s response. When he doesn’t get one, he tries again.
“If you want me to beg, I’ll do it,” Tao says. “You’re the only person I know who can bake cakes. Your cupcakes from that sleepover when you came out to Imogen? Elle raved about them and so did everyone else all night.”
Taking a deep breath, Nick replies, “Answer truthfully?”
“Alright.”
“Do you really need my help? Before you answer,” Nick interjects as if he saw Tao opening his mouth. Tao closes it. “If you do, I can be over yours in twenty minutes. Please don’t make this about pity.”
“I don’t pity you. Never have,” Tao replies, truthfully. “You’d be doing me a massive favour.”
“Okay, seriously. Where did you learn to bake?” Tao demands. “You didn’t learn it all from telly.”
“No, I didn’t,” Nick confirms. “I watched Mum a lot when I was little. After my dad moved back to France, she baked a lot to keep her mind off things. At least that’s what I realized in retrospect.”
“My mum was the opposite.” Nick glances at where Tao’s perched on the counter. “After my dad passed, she only cooked by necessity. It was her favourite thing in the world, but it was also their thing.”
Tao feels a wistfulness wash over him.
“I’d come downstairs and see them dancing in the kitchen. Twirling around the table.” He shakes his head. “I haven’t thought about that in ages.”
“That sounds really nice.”
Nick’s voice sounds earnest. Tao nods.
“Theirs seemed like the easiest love. Not something scary at all,” Tao says. He looks down at his dangling feet. “Until.”
They lapse into silence. The sound of Nick’s movements echo around the kitchen.
“My parents’ divorce didn’t scare me as much as I think Mum expected.” Tao looks at him. “It’s a lot scarier imagining a life with someone you don’t love. Who doesn’t respect you.”
Nick’s gaze isn’t anywhere close to meeting Tao’s.
“Loving Charlie’s the easiest thing in the world, because he makes me so happy,” Nick says. “In spite of everything else, he is the constant.”
Tao wonders what side of the parallel that falls on in terms of devotion versus dependency.
He suspects the key difference is age. They are all so young. They know who they love and that is a fact, but there is also — God willing — so much life ahead of them.
A frankly endless number of things that can take them off-course.
Yet there is Charlie. Nick isn’t saying that Charlie’s perfect. Tao doesn’t believe for a second that Nick is under any such illusion. He is saying that Charlie’s perfect for him.
That’s the distinction.
“Do you want kids someday?” Tao asks.
“Yeah,” Nick says, seemingly unperturbed by the shift in conversation. “Don’t know what kind of dad I’ll be.”
“Because of your own?” Nick purses his lips but doesn’t say anything. “So be like your mum.”
“It’s that easy, eh?”
“I don’t see why not,” Tao shrugs. “Unless you subscribe to needing positive masculine and feminine influences that mirror your gender for that sort of thing.”
“When did this become a nature versus nurture debate?”
Tao shakes his head.
“Forget it. I’ll save the deep conversations for Isaac.”
Tao means it mostly in jest, but he sees the way Nick’s lips turn downward.
“Sorry,” Nick mumbles. “I know you’re trying.”
“I’m not trying anything.”
Nick levels him with a look.
“I haven’t been knocked in the head playing rugby that much,” Nick says.
Tao swallows a smart response.
“You figured out the one thing I can’t turn down.” Nick stares straight ahead. “Helping a friend.”
Avoiding the actual point, Tao replies, “You mean I haven’t forfeited that title over the past month and a half?”
“No,” Nick says.
He stops what he’s doing and rests his palms on the counter’s edge.
“I know I’ve been difficult. I know the others are worried,” Nick continues. “I don’t like people worrying about me.”
“Kind of goes hand-in-hand with being friends.”
“Not the friendships I’m used to,” Nick says. Tao frowns. “Some of the rugby lads are good, but we don’t talk about how we feel.”
”They said they’re here for me. I honestly believe they mean it, too. I’m still a very different person when I’m with them,” he says. “Like I am with my family. And you lot. And especially when I’m with Charlie.”
“‘My house has many rooms; I occupy but a few,’” Tao recites. “‘The rest go unvisited.’”
Nick resumes the baking task at hand.
Drily, he says, “I’ll try not to feel jealous that I’m not the only one Charlie sends Queer As Folk clips to.”
“What sort of clips?”
Nick chucks a handful of sprinkles at Tao. The taller boy swats them out of the air.
“Anyway,” Nick continues. “I meant it in Paris when I said you’re a good friend. I just didn’t realize quite how good until this past month.”
“I really did need your help,” Tao prefaces. “But, honestly, yeah. I finally figured out you wouldn’t reject someone else’s support if they needed help themselves. Possibly manipulative.”
Tao says the last part with a degree of uncertainty. Nick mulls it over for a while.
“A bit,” Nick determines. “But intention matters.”
“We miss you. That’s not me trying to make you feel guilty,” Tao clarifies. “We miss Charlie like hell, and I know it’s hard for us all to be together when he’s the only one missing, but you aren’t … an extension of him. We’d never feel like: ‘Well, Charlie’s not here so we’re well shot of Nick now.’ That’s not how it works with us.”
Quietly, Nick says, “I know.”
“So why push us away?”
“Because I’m scared.” Nick slams down a bowl with unexpected force. He releases a breath. “I know my love for Charlie is genuine. It’s not about wanting to save him or thinking that I can ‘fix him.’ Love can’t cure a mental illness.”
That feels like a gut punch to Tao.
It also comes across like something that Nick has heard, himself. If Tao were to wager a guess, he’d say Nick’s mum.
“But somewhere along the way that got wrapped into everything. I love helping people and I love Charlie,” Nick says. “If I can’t do either of those things right …”
Nick pinches the bridge of his nose. Tao’s heart clenches as Nick’s voice cracks.
“Who even am I?”
“Nick Nelson,” Tao says, definitively. “The bloke who sends our group chat ridiculous and downright stupid memes at two in the morning.”
Nick blinks.
“You’re the bloke who let out quite possibly the highest pitch scream when we were all over at yours and Nellie ran into the house with a spider in her mouth.”
Nick groans in embarrassment. Tao smiles.
“You’re the guy who inspired Elle to act on her feelings in Paris, even when she doesn’t fully understand them.” Nick’s eyes grow wide. “Yeah. She told me about that.”
Nick opens his mouth but closes it just as many times.
“Nick Nelson is more than his popularity status and he’s more than Charlie Spring’s boyfriend,” Tao says. “Which I know for damn certain Charlie Spring would be the first to remind him.”
The blond takes a deep breath and exhales.
“You’re allowed to find this hard without making it only about your feelings,” Tao says. “Charlie’s mental health affects everyone who loves him. So does yours.”
“Thanks, Tao,” Nick whispers. Tao nods. “Aside from the spider part. Not sure how I feel about you holding onto that as blackmail.”
Tao smirks.
“What’s done is done.”
“Proper segue. Pull up your timer?” Tao does as he’s instructed. “Set the alarm for five o’clock. They’ll be ready then.”
“Thank you.” Nick nods. “I’ll bring you some fruits of your labour tomorrow.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Nick snorts. “Mum’s already banging on about too many sweets in the house ahead of the holidays.”
“Just as well. Elle’s gonna freak when she sees these.”
“And she won’t be poisoned. Victories abound.” Tao scowls playfully at him. “I can walk you through the process another time. If you’d like.”
“Yeah,” Tao nods. “That’d be alright.”
“‘Kay,” Nick says. He grabs his coat from the nearby chair. “They’ll be good sweets,” he adds, offhandedly, “when you host your next heroes movie night.”
Nick looks innocently at Tao, whose mouth falls open. Nick bursts out laughing.
“It seemed like a good idea at the time!”
“It might’ve been,” Nick says. “But the girls, Darcy, and I agree. There’s no statute of limitations.”
Tao violently shakes his head as Nick adds, “You’re sitting through an Avengers movie. Precise time and date, unknown. Definitely once Charlie’s home to experience it.”
“Son-of-a-bitch!” Tao curses under his breath. “He’s gonna murder me.”
Nick’s laughter is thunderous. His glee ignites the entire kitchen like a bolt of lightning.