Chapter Text
-Day 4-
It was 6:30am when Maya woke, she left the base and went home immediately. She couldn’t bring herself to sleep home alone in the bed without Carina. She also didn’t know when Carina was coming back, she said she would be back today but didn’t say when and Maya didn’t want to miss her. Maya pulled out her notes from her session with Diane and had her clip board ready. Sure enough an hour later Maya heard the keys rattling in the front door.
(Ok breathe, she’s your wife and she loves you there is no need to be nervous) Maya thought to herself when she headed to the front to greet Carina. (We are going to be open minded but firm) Carina thought before she stepped in the door to see Maya standing awkwardly by the coffee table in the living room. Carina took off her coat and placed her bag down and walked closer to Maya.
Maya could feel her heart beating out of her chest. (Breathe Maya, breathe) Carina could see Maya tensing up, she stood in front of her and placed her hand on Maya cheek, [Breathe] Carina mouthed as she took a deep breath hoping Maya would follow. “Carina I..I-“ Maya tried to speak but she was still too anxious. Carina now had one hand on Maya’s face and the other on Maya’s chest. “ Bella just breathe for a second, we are going to talk but right now I just want you to just be here with me, not in here” Carina said pointing to Maya's head.
Maya started to calm down a little more. Carina moved them to the couch so they could sit. Their foreheads were pressed together while they took small breaths. “I’m sorry” Maya said in a whisper. Carina pulled back and looked at Maya. “No Maya, don’t apologize, I’m nervous too, I want us to talk but I also want us to hold space to comfort each other, okay?” Carina said softly. “Yeah” Maya said while nodding.
Finally now that Maya was calm Carina could see she didn’t look well. She looked worn out. The bags under her eyes, and her lack of energy. “Maya did you get any sleep last night?” Carina asked, concerned all over her face. Maya just looked down. “I can’t sleep with you, not here, I hate being away from you” Maya confessed shyly. “I know, it feels like that when you leave” Carina shared this feeling. Maya pulled Carina in to hold her tight. “I hate that I make you feel this on a regular basis, I’m sorry” Maya said into Carina’s neck.
“Hey, tutto quello che sento e amore per te. Si, I miss you terribly when you’re away, it’s not like any pain I’ve ever felt but that’s because of how much I love you” Maya squeezed Carina tighter, (what did I do to deserve you) Carina didn’t fight Maya she just relaxed in her arms. “ Bambina I know we need to talk but can we please take a nap first, together, I want us both to get some rest?” Maya couldn’t agree more. She hadn’t realized how exhausted she was till she started drifting off in Carina’s arms.
“I think that’s a great idea, can we go to the bed?” Maya said, half asleep, still clinging to Carina. “Yes, please” Carina said, pulling Maya up from the couch. Carina led the way to their bedroom and sat Maya on her side of the bed. Carina stripped into just her underwear and did the same for Maya. She didn’t want any barriers between them, she wanted to feel Maya’s warmth, her heart beating steady, her little snores when she was in a deep sleep.
They laid facing each other till Carina prompted Maya to turn over. Maya would never admit it but she secretly loved being the little spoon. The comfort and security of Carina's arms brought Maya so much gratitude. She knew what she did was hard and some of her unit didn’t have the love and support Carina gave. “Hey babe, all I feel is love for you too” Maya said, before she drifted off to sleep. Carina kissed the back of her head and drifted off to sleep.
…
Maya woke first but she didn’t leave the bed she just turned over in Carina’s arms. She moved the messy hair from Carina’s face then kissed her forehead. “You’re so beautiful” Maya said softly to a sleeping Carina. Maya waited patiently for Carina to wake but she didn’t want to leave the bed. She wanted Carina to wake up to her, to know that she was still there. While she was waiting she thought about how she would approach this conversation, this confession.
“Maya, can you ask yourself why you think you’ve been holding on to this for so long?” Dr.Diane questioned. “I just think when I lost them I didn’t think I’d ever find love again or that I’d even want to. I tried to fight it but with Carina that was impossible she snuck her way into my heart. And now it’s like I don’t want to put that in jeopardy and I’m also scared if I tell her she’ll leave” Maya said with her head down embarrassed that she admitted that her wife might leave her. “Has Carina threatened to leave you before?” Diane asked which made Maya look up. “Never” Maya responded. “Maya can I assume that you’re on active duty” Maya just nodded yes “And can I assume that you get deployed for a fair amount of time, leaving Carina?” Diane questioned. “Is there a point here?” Maya said with a little annoyance. “The point is, that despite the lying, and the distance and everything, Carina is still here, still sneaking her way into your heart. But maybe now you can show her your heart instead of her having to sneak past your walls”
Carina’s eyes fluttering open pulled Maya from her mind. “Hi” Maya said softly as Carina moved the crud from her eyes. “Hi” Carina said with a wide smile. “I thought you would have gone on a run or something” Carina admitted sadly. “I wanted to wake up with you and I wanted you to wake up with me. I’m sorry you don’t get to wake up with me a lot” Maya said softly. Carina moved closer and Maya’s arms. Her head was in between Maya’s chest.
“Thank you” Carina said into Maya's bare chest then she kissed in the middle of her boobs. Maya couldn’t help but sigh. Maya pulled Carina’s head up and gave her a quick kiss. “Let’s not start something we can’t finish” Maya said, getting up out of the bed. Carina groaned. “Will you come somewhere with me?” Maya asked, holding her hand out to Carina. “I thought you wanted to talk” Carina questioned but still took Maya’s hand. “I do. Just trust me” Maya walked them to the bathroom and they showered. Then they got dressed and were in the car on their way to their destination.
It wasn’t too far from their house, just about 10 minutes away. Maya pulled into the driveway of a beautiful house. The house was white with a navy blue trim. And brick steps that led up to a porch. The porch had two rocking chairs and a coffee table. The house was not kept up, the grass wasn’t cut and the outside clearly needed a major cleaning. “Maya who’s house is this?” Carina asked, looking over at Maya. Maya looked over and grabbed Carina’s hand. Carina started to worry a little now, Maya seemed off. “It’s..” Maya sighed “It’s my house, I used to live here” Maya said looking down.
“Why don’t we just live on base or stay at my place?” Erin questioned. “Because I want a house that will be ours Nugget, plus this house is close to your job and your parents coffee shop, what do you think?” Maya asked, handing Erin the computer so she could look at the house. “It's a beautiful house babe, but I don’t see why we need it, it’s just the two of us” Erin said, still looking at the beautiful house. Maya turned and took the computer from her hands then grabbed them. “I know but maybe it can be more than just the two of us” Maya said with a shy smile.
“Maya I don’t understand what’s going on?” Carina asked, very confused. Maya had never mentioned a house that wasn’t on the base. “Carina I use to live here with my..um-“ Carina turned Maya’s head so she would look at her “Hey, it’s ok take your time, I’m here” Carina said softly as she looked into Maya’s eyes. Maya took a breath and nodded. “I lived here with my wife” After Maya said it, she braced herself, she didn’t know what Carina would say but she also felt relief, like 50 pounds had been lifted off her chest. “Your..your wife” Carina stuttered out, but she didn’t seem angry, just confused.
“Why haven’t you mentioned this to me before?” Carina asked calmly. “Because they..um they-“ “Wait Maya, who’s they?” Carina cut her off before she could finish, growing a little impatient. “My wife and” Maya looked away from Carina “my son” Maya could feel the tears starting to build up in her eye’s but she willed them not to fall. “You have a son?” Carina tried to be as tender as she could. She could see the amount of distress this was causing Maya. “His name was Gus and he was so beautiful” Maya couldn’t help it now, the tears started to flow.
“I’m HERE I’m sorry I’m late” Maya said rushing into the hospital room out of breath. “It’s ok she was just about to start” Erin said, then held out her hand so Maya could come stand next to her while she laid in the bed, shirt up. “Ok this might be a little cold” The doctor said as she squirted the gel on Erin’s stomach. Maya leaned down closer to Erin so their heads could be touching while they watched the screen. “Ok so here’s the head” The doctor pointed to the screen “And it looks like they have all ten fingers and toes. Would you guys like to know the sex?” The doctor asked the smiling couple. “Yes” “Yes” Both Erin and Maya said excitedly. “It’s a boy” The doctor said proudly.
Carina just realized what Maya was saying. That she had a wife and son before but what happened to them. She wanted to ask but she could see Maya wasn’t in a state to answer questions right now. She got out of the car and went over to Maya’s side and pulled her out of the car. She wanted to hug Maya but the car wouldn’t allow her the way she wanted to. “ Bambina come here” Carina said, when Maya didn’t move from the car. Maya got out but her legs were shaky and she almost fell but Carina caught her under her arms then pulled her back up.
Maya wrapped her arms around Carina while she held her while she cried. “My love, it’s ok just let it out” Carina said while rubbing her back. She’d never seen Maya this broken, not even after she came back from deployment. “Maya we can go, do you wanna go home?” Carina asked, not knowing what Maya needed. “No I have to face this” Maya took her head from Carina’s shoulder and looked her right in the eye “Carina I do want what you want, I was just scared. I don’t want to feel like this again” Maya said, still sniffling. “Maya you don’t have to face this alone, please bambina let me in” Carina said wiping Maya’s tears, willing hers not to fall.
(Let her in Maya)
”Can we go inside, I have to get something?” Maya asked and Carina just nodded then took her hand. Maya led them to the front door, then pulled out her key to open the front door. She hesitated a little before she put the key in. Carina squeezed her hand for reassurance (I’m here). Maya took a breath then turned the key and opened the door. Maya was taking a back, the memories started flooding back. Her life with Erin. “I can wait down here while you go get what you need if you want, I don’t want to intrude” Carina said, letting go of Maya’s hand. “No baby you can come with me, it’s just right upstairs” Maya took Carina’s hand back and they walked towards the hardwood stairs.
Carina looked on the walls and she could see photos of Maya with her parents and Mason. But there was a woman in some of the pictures that she didn’t recognize. Erin was on Maya’s back and they were both smiling at the camera. (That must be her wife. Carina what are you saying, you are her wife) Maya noticed Carina staring at the picture with intent so she stopped on her step and squeezed Carina’s hand. “Her name was Erin” Maya said with a small smile. “Will you tell me more about them? When you’re ready of course” Carina asked. Maya just nodded and continued up the stairs with Carina. They entered the second room on the right and it seemed to be a master bedroom.The room was spacious but you could clearly see no one had been here for years.
“Ok I just have to get a box out of the closet then we can leave” Maya said letting go of Carina’s hand walking towards the closet. It was a walk-in closet, half of it was full with clothes and the other empty with just a shoe box on the shelf. Maya grabbed the box and headed back to where Carina was waiting. “Ready?” Carina asked, holding her hand out. “Yeah, let’s go. Can we make one more stop though?” “Of course, are you alright to drive or do you want me to?” Carina asked. “It’s ok I can drive, it's not far from here, I know it’s getting late” Maya reassured. They got in the car and headed to their destination. They passed their house.
Passed the coffee shop (that’s mile one), passed the rec center (mile number three) mile seven that makes the cemetery. Maya parked the car and took something out of the shoe box. “Come on, I want you to meet them” Maya said as she got out of the car and walked to Carina’s side to open the door for her. “Thank you, I would love to meet them” Carina got out of the car and followed closely behind Maya to the two graves. The first grave read Erin Moore The second read August (Gus) Moore-Bishop. Carina stood back for a second giving Maya time to talk to them.
“Guys I want you to meet somebody. I know, I’ve talked about her a lot but now you get to meet her” “Nugget I also brought something for you, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way” Maya pulled a chain out her pocket with a gold wedding band on it. She kissed it then placed it on the bottom of the headstone. “I love you forever” she whispered. She turned to Carina and signaled for her to come over. Carina moved closer cautiously and took Maya’s hand. “We were in an accident on the way home from the hospital, Gus was just born. It was a drunk driver” Maya said, still looking at the graves.
“Maybe we should wait a couple days, you just gave birth” Maya said to Erin who was trying to get up out of the hospital bed. “I can’t spend one more day in this hospital gown and I want us to be home with Gus” Erin said, still trying to get out of the bed. Maya just placed her hand on her shoulder. “Can we at least ask the nurse if it’s alright, I just want to be careful” Maya pleaded. “I know, hey breathe” Erin said, then grabbed Maya’s hand and brought it to her mouth and kissed over her wedding ring. Maya took a deep breath and squeezed Erin’s hand tighter. “You can ask the nurse if it’s ok, but before you do can you bring Gus?” Erin said knowing that was the only way Maya would let her leave. Maya picked up her beautiful boy, he had the bluest eyes. She brought him to Erin then she was off to find a nurse.
“I’m so sorry bella, I didn’t know you were carrying all of this weight on your shoulders” Carina let go of Maya’s hand and wrapped her arm around her waist. “I guess I was trying to forget and I thought by not telling you it would make it easier but I can see that I hurt you in the process and I’m so sorry for that my love, I promise I’ll do better at opening up” Maya said leaning into Carina’s grip more and Carina kissed her on the forehead. “ Ciao Erin and August, I promise I’ll take care of our girl” Carina said, talking straight to the graves. They stood in silence for a while then walked back to the car hand and hand. “Bella?” Carina asked. Maya looked over from the driving seat.
“Is that where you go, when you leave in the morning?” Carina asked with caution. Maya just nodded looking down. “And that’s where you went the other night?” Carina asked sadly feeling a little guilty for the way she reacted that night. “Yeah. Hey I know what you’re thinking and none of this was your fault, I should have told you a long time ago, I don’t blame you for reacting the way that you did” Maya said looking up at Carina now. “But I still should’ve been more open to listening and I’m sorry” Carina said sincerely. Maya leaned over and kissed Carina’s cheek. “All is forgiven my love, now what are we eating for dinner, we can get whatever you want” Maya asked leaning back over into her seat.
“Ooh PIZZA?! Let's get pizza.” Maya laughed at Carina’s eagerness. “Let’s get pizza” Maya started the car and headed to Carina’s favorite pizza place, it was 35 minutes away but Maya didn’t care, Carina would have whatever she wanted today. They picked up their order then headed home. They couldn’t wait, this day was so exhausting. Maya pulled into their driveway and grabbed the shoe box from the back while Carina grabbed the pizza and they headed back inside. “Do you want red or white?” Maya asked Carina as she entered the kitchen.
“Red and Maya I actually have something to talk to you about?” Carina put the pizza on the table and sat down. Maya came over with a bottle of wine and one glass. “What is it?” Maya said, sitting down right next to Carina taking a slice of pizza. “I did something that you might not like” Carina couldn’t look Maya in the eye. Carina reached for the wine glass but Maya stopped her. “Do we need to be sober for this talk?” Maya grabbed her hand and brought it down to the table. “It depends on how mad you get at me” (What could she have possibly done that was worse than I did)