Chapter Text
changbin suggests that jisung use a text-to-speech or an AAC app. which isn’t a bad idea, because jisung types very quickly and it’s more convenient for a device to read out the stuff jisung wants to say. it’s more time saving and it’s better than passing around his phone or filling the group chat with a wall of text all from jisung.
jisung likes the idea. he wants to try it out. but that’s not what he needs right now.
the whole issue right now is that jisung is being forced to speak with a voice that does not feel like it belongs to him. and both of those solutions involve getting a different voice that does not feel like his speaking for him.
he doesn’t know how to properly convey that sentiment to changbin or chan, though. because he’s pretty sure changbin and chan haven’t experienced voice dysphoria before. and if they have, it’s probably not in the visceral way that jisung has, because there’s a difference in feeling like your voice sounds off and feeling like your voice belongs to an entirely different person.
it sucks. it’s not like jisung’s going through a non-verbal episode.
jisung wants to speak and he has things to say and jokes to make and shit to talk with his friends. and he tries to use his voice to do that only to hear how high and feminine his voice sounds to his own ears. and any good mood he had is now ruined because he feels foreign in his own body and he’s not sure if or when he’ll ever be able to start testosterone so he can change his voice to be his .
there are ways to organically train your voice to become deeper. jisung knows. but jisung is also a person who spends far too much time not feeling verbal or like he is in his own body, so the mindfulness required to keep the voice training up and make his voice deeper anytime he speaks isn’t quite feasible.
jisung never thinks before he speaks, anyways, so the pitching and tone are something he’s never quite had control over. jisung is only mindful of his voice during recordings or in these moments of dysphoria.
-
“how did you and bin start living together?”
“um, minho and i adopted him in the same way bin and i adopted you.”
jisung blinks.
“did you and minho used to live together?”
“yeah. for a while it was me and minho. after a while, we finally convinced changbin to move in with us. then our lease ended and minho moved in with hyunjin to be closer to his new job and bin wanted to move away from that part of town, so we came here.”
“did bin not want to move in with you? why did you need to convince him?”
chan gives jisung a small, awkward smile that’s got a little hint of pain in it. and he’s quiet for a moment before he simply says:
“it was a complicated situation.”
and jisung knows it’s better to just leave it at that and stop asking questions.
-
jisung didn’t really take chan and changbin’s offer for him to move in with them that seriously, because it’s a normal thing to daydream with your friends about.
he’d definitely thought about it a lot and wished something like that could happen, but it’s never been something jisung sincerely thought about going through with. mostly because it’d be complicated to apartment hunt and find a place with 3 bedrooms that accepts 2 pets. and jisung would have to find a job that he can handle without getting burnt out often. and moving out of his place with his family still feels weird because even though they don’t give a fuck about jisung, he feels like he owes them something.
changbin, on the other hand, has taken that conversation seriously.
he brings it up relatively often and questions jisung about it like he actually wants jisung to move into a new apartment with him and chan. he lightheartedly tries to convince jisung that he should just stop going back home and see what happens and then one day they can all find an apartment together and move there with the dogs.
jisung would think changbin was joking or daydreaming about it, but the insistence and the amount of sincerity that changbin has when he tells jisung to stop going back home is pretty real. he gets pouty and restless whenever jisung goes home as well.
both chan and changbin seem like they want to stop sending jisung back home even though jisung always comes back in one piece.
chan’s much more subtle about it, but he joins the conversations about moving in together sometimes and he implies that he doesn’t like having jisung gone for days at a time anymore because their apartment feels emptier without him and bbama there.
chan will find little tasks or excuses that hold jisung back from going home at the time he planned on it. and he’ll sometimes just blatantly pull jisung away from the door and latch onto him like a koala and tell jisung to stay over instead.
the more seriously jisung starts to consider moving in with chan and changbin, the more complicated everything in his life feels because he still feels indebted to a family who barely acknowledges him and he’s kind of attached to this part of town and to the way his bedroom is set up.
and really, the part of town and his bedroom are things that can change somewhat easily. jisung’s weirdly good at adjusting to changes like that, which is kind of out of character for most autistic people, but the poor impulse control caused by jisung’s adhd and the trauma that made jisung constantly want to flee and change his whole life outweighs most of the anxiety jisung feels about enacting that change.
it’s just…jisung’s only lived away from his family for one year, when he was doing college. and he remembers loving it and having a great time. he remembers feeling so much more free and like the world wasn’t crushing him from all sides at once. and that should signal to him that he’d be okay if he moves away from them again, but he’s afraid of feeling guilty about it. he’s afraid of that guilt eating him alive until he breaks and wants to go back to them.
it’s stupid, because jisung knows how happy he’d be to live with chan and changbin. he knows life would feel so much easier if he were living with them. yet he sits, paralyzed with fear and a million ‘what-if’s when he thinks about moving in with them anyway.
-
it’s been almost 3 months since changbin brought up the moving in thing and they still have little discussions about it on the regular. chan and changbin still try to stop jisung from going back to his house on the rare night that he actually does attempt to go back.
it’s 3 months of discussions and imagining living together all the time in a new apartment in a different part of town with their dogs. 3 months of jisung feeling conflicted about leaving behind his family potentially for good and of jisung going through multiple jobs because he keeps getting ones that burn him out like crazy. 3 months of getting closer and closer to chan and changbin.
it’s at the end of those 3 months that changbin sits down with jisung at the kitchen table, looks him dead in the eyes and says:
“chan and i are extending you a very serious and very real formal offer for you to move in with us. bbama is included in this offer. you don’t have to say yes and you can leave whenever you want to. do you think you’d like to move in with us?”
“i’d love to.”
“good. do you wanna start apartment searching?”
“sure.”
-
“w hy are you so obsessed with making yourself nearly invisible half the time?”
jisung blinks, fronted by the bold question and the blatant call-out of behavior jisung’s been getting away with for the last 5 years.
“um…i dunno?”
“you disappearing or forcing yourself to blend into the background doesn’t positively impact everyone’s life in a radical way like you think it does. i know sometimes you need to step back because you’re burnt out or not up to socializing, but you do stuff like that even when you seem like you’re doing alright. we notice.”
jisung feels his cheeks burning. he feels confused and anxious at the confrontation.
“people aren’t going to suddenly feel happier or more relieved when you stay quiet and isolate yourself or shut down. i know people have probably made you feel that way, but bin and i care about you and we have never once felt anything positive about having less of you in our lives.”
jisung is quiet.
“bin and i want to live with you, sungie. we want more of you in our lives. you’re important to us and you matter.”
“why….are you bringing this up? all of a sudden?”
“because i see the way you make yourself disappear when other people are around and it makes me sad.”
-
jisung looks at the trans flag he packed in his bag. the one he packed because he knew that chan and changbin were planning to stop by the pride parade for a little while today. the one jisung’s friend sent him when she found out that jisung was planning on moving out.
he feels a bit of anxiety curl in his stomach at the thought of being seen with it. not because he’s ashamed of being trans or anything, but he kind of fears the concept of fully coming out. it’s hard to come out without someone being weird about it or asking invasive questions or treating him differently afterward in a negative way.
jisung also thinks about tying his flag around his shoulders like a humongous cape and he thinks about walking around out in the sunshine surrounded by other members of the lgbt community and being surrounded by his best friends. and the idea of being able to wear his flag proudly in front of other people and finally being able to acknowledge it after 4 years of keeping it close to his heart or solely online seems so cathartic.
he doesn’t touch it all morning, but when chan informs jisung that they’re planning on leaving soon, jisung grabs his bag again. he changes into the outfit he curated just for going to pride and he uses some face paint to put cute little doodles on his face and he stands in front of the mirror in the bathroom and he ties the trans flag around his neck so it becomes a cape. and jisung feels his lip tremble as he looks at himself.
today’s a big day in general, because jisung’s never been to a pride parade before. so seeing himself in the mirror dressed for an event he’s only been allowed to fantasize about feels so monumental in and of itself.
but there’s a whole new special feeling of being able to see his flag draped around him so proudly. around his shoulders that are much broader now that chan and changbin have goaded jisung into working out with them. draped over one of jisung’s favorite masculine outfits that always gives him a good hit of gender euphoria when he puts it on.
jisung looks like a queer boy .
he almost takes a few photos of himself wearing the flag and puts it right back in his backpack to not be seen again for god knows how long. but jisung can’t bring himself to untie the flag and leave it behind.
wearing the flag in front of everyone is a way of coming out and acknowledging his transness. and while jisung isn’t keen on the concept of actually coming out and saying that he is transgender, he doesn’t mind the idea of just letting people know about it without words. he doesn’t mind people being able to put together all the little puzzle pieces to figure out that jisung is trans. he doesn’t mind people seeing the small items he has with his flag on it.
jisung probably isn’t ever going to fully come out because that’s just not something he’s into. he doesn’t vibe with the idea of sitting someone down to have the serious talk about his gender. he doesn’t think it matters that much in the grand scheme of things because everyone here already thinks of him as a boy.
more importantly, jisung has low impulse control and the realization of how much of a positive impact this would have on his self esteem and acceptance is more than enough for him to simply step out of the bathroom with his trans flag still tied around his shoulders.
it’s not until jisung’s standing in line at an ice cream stand with their friend group, smiling and laughing and feeling so free that it finally hits him.
it being the fact that the only reason jisung’s never come out as transgender in the first place is because nobody in his family would do anything to validate him. that jisung’s repressed one of the biggest parts of himself for years on end and dealt with so much unhappiness and discomfort all because his family wouldn’t bother to use his new name and pronouns.
jisung could’ve been so happy and free all these years if his family had loved him a little more. if they’d been a little more respectful and willing to do something to make him happy and comfortable. if they’d wanted to be more understanding.
he slips out of the ice cream line in a hurry, stumbling his way to an empty little alley about 40 feet away. he feels the tears start slipping down his face right as he ducks into the dark area, his chest heaving like crazy as the grief rises in his throat.
his hasty exit doesn’t go unnoticed, of course. minho follows after him.
his face turns soft when he spots jisung with his face down, sniffling. he steps closer and opens his arms, gently pulling jisung into a hug. he doesn’t protest or flinch when jisung throws his arms around minho and starts sobbing with his face buried in minho’s shoulder. minho doesn’t ask him why he’s crying or why he left the group to hide here.
minho just pets the back of his head and lets jisung cry his eyes out in his arms in the middle of some random alley.
“sorry,” jisung says when he finally quiets and pulls away.
minho doesn’t say anything back. he just shakes his head and uses the edge of his sleeve to dab away a few tears on jisung’s face. nothing about his expression betrays any emotion.
“some of your face paint came off,” is all minho says.
“that sucks,” jisung says thickly. “it was cute.”
“hyunjinnie's got some paint pens in his bag. i’m sure he and lix would love to help you draw them back on.”
jisung scrubs at his face to get the rest of the tears and face paint off. he can feel how red his face is from crying. he can feel the random tidal wave of emotion receding already, though he knows it’s probably going to come back from time to time to haunt him for the rest of his life.
“sorry, i’m having a good time. i don’t know why i did that…”
“i get it,” minho says. “the first time i went to pride, i went home and cried for an hour after.”
“out of happiness?”
minho levels jisung with a look on his face that jisung thankfully is able to read. one that implies that minho cried for a similar reason to the one jisung just has. one that implies that minho didn’t have acceptance where he needed it and he had a similar realization to jisung’s even though his is a slightly different situation.
“sucks,” jisung mumbles.
“fucking blows, doesn’t it? just know that we love and accept you, though, okay, jisungie? you have people who love and respect you for all that you are.”
jisung’s eyes fill with tears.
“come on, let’s go get some ice cream before those heathens order without us. maybe someone can redo your face paint while we’re in line.”
and jisung appreciates that minho is being so casual about all of this. and that minho’s cutting off the crying session that jisung was no doubt about to have yet again because of minho’s kind words. it’ll be better once jisung’s back in the moment, enjoying himself with all his new friends.
-
“i know it’s hard,” changbin says gently. “they’re making it feel that way on purpose.”
jisung wants to refute that or pretend it’s not true, but he really can’t.
not when he thinks about how his mother has given his brother cell service for the past 4 years, but she won’t let jisung have access to his own phone number. not when his mother hasn’t taught him how to drive no matter how many times she’s insisted he needs to learn to. not when he thinks about how his mother used to refuse to teach jisung how to do laundry or how to cook or how to clean.
jisung knows all he knows about taking care of himself and other people for the sole existence of a baby cousin that jisung’s family somewhat fostered. jisung had been 8 years old and forced to play mommy for that precious baby boy and only through the 3 years of fostering that baby did jisung learn what it meant to take care of himself and others.
his aunt wanted the child back after that, but jisung still babysat him on weekends until jisung turned 17 years old. jisung kind of wishes his cousin never left, but he knows the kid’s better off in his current financial situation and that he’s more free to live as he wishes in the town that he moved to a couple years ago.
jisung stares down at his hands, fiddling restlessly with the ends of his sleeves as he thinks about his impending move. about his impending separation from a family he hasn’t really felt like he was part of for as long as he could remember. from a family he felt obligated to stay with for some odd reason he couldn’t place no matter how much he tried to find it.
“i don’t know how to feel about leaving,” jisung admits.
“abuse forces you to feel dependent on them until you leave and start healing. it’s normal to feel complicated about leaving someone even if you want to and you know you should.”
jisung curls into changbin’s side; changbin throws an arm over him and hugs him closer.
“just so you know, channie and i are never going to tell you what to do when it comes to shit with your family. you can talk to them as much as you like and see them whenever you feel like it. as long as you’re not sacrificing your comfort or safety with them, it’s not our business. we’re not going to tell you to never speak to them again or anything like that.”
jisung’s quiet for a while, mulling it over. thinking about what it’d be like to never attend another holiday or get together or to hang out with his brother ever again. to not see his grandmother or his aunt again. to stop talking to people he feels a massive amount of debt towards for no real reason other than the fact that society has made jisung feel like he has to love his family no matter what they do to him.
“i don’t think i’m ever going to cut them off.”
“channie and i aren’t asking you to move in to separate you from them. we’re asking you to move in because we love you and we like having you here. we just also happen to worry that you’re not living in an environment that’s giving you the support you need.”