Chapter Text
MS. MARVEL
SERIES OF IMAGES: A text conversation between Ms. Marvel and Tony Stark, who in Ms. Marvel’s phone is called “Mr. Iron Man”. The time is 8:22PM.
Kamala: Hey Tony
Can I ask you a personal question
Tony: You can ask. I might not answer.
Kamala: You don’t drink, right?
What do you do when someone keeps offering you a drink?
Tony: I’m the most famous alcoholic in the world. Anyone who offers me a drink at this point is a douchebag. I make a note to ban them from my presence.
Which I can do, because I’m Iron Man.
Kamala: Okay but say they were a friend and didn’t mean any harm
Tony: Is someone pressuring you, M&M?
Kamala: M&M? OMG IS THAT MY SUPERHERO NICKNAME IT’S SO CUTE
Kamala: I mean. No. Not really. Just. Parties, you know.
Tony: I do know.
I used to get a Coke or a ginger ale and just let everyone assume it was spiked.
Bring some apple juice, put it in a Solo cup.
Kamala: That works?
Tony: More or less. And if I have a rough time saying no, I call my sponsor.
Tony: Which, you don’t need
Tony: But if you need to call an adult who won’t flip out
Tony: I am really good at not flipping out
Kamala: So like, I could call you for realsies?
Tony: For realsies.
Tony: But also you know, I have found that Doombot party crashers make a great distraction
So if you can arrange for some Doombots to show up that helps too
Kamala: Is that something I should be able to arrange?
Tony: I find it usually happens regardless. Victor has a great sense of timing.
Tony: Hey M&M
Tony: Promise me you’ll call.
Kamala: Thanks, I promise. (OMG M&M I’m telling Carol)
Tony: I did not create this monster, but I feel I may have brought it to life.
NOVA
SERIES OF IMAGES: A text conversation between Nova and Tony Stark, who in Nova’s phone is called “Tony S.”. The time is 9:41AM.
Sam: All girls hate me. All girls everywhere.
Tony: Lord, you work fast. When I was your age only about three in ten girls hated me.
Sam: It’s not funny.
Tony: It’s actually super-hilarious, Sam, but I appreciate you aren’t old enough to have a good statistical sample yet.
Okay, tell me which girl in particular represents all women in hating you.
Sam: I just can’t do anything right around her.
Tony: So there is a girl.
You’re a teenager. Making mistakes is basically your job.
Sam: When you were my age you were dating supermodels.
Tony: I see you have read the fierce debates about the editing of my Wikipedia page.
Sam: But it’s true, right?
Tony: Yes. And some of them, most of them, were mistakes.
Sam: They were supermodels.
Tony: It’s like talking to one giant hormone.
Tony: Listen to me and my twenty-five years of dating.
Tony: If you really can’t do anything right around her, then she’s wrong for you.
Tony: The right person for you will be someone who appreciates you for who you are, so here are Tony Stark’s Rules Of Dating (TM, don’t share these, I might write a book)
Sam: THERE ARE RULES??
Tony: 1. Be yourself, you might as well be rejected for who you are as for who you’re pretending to be
2. If she’s not interested, leave immediately to find someone who is
3. A cool car never hurts
Tony: 4. Never date other superheroes
5. Always have one exception to #4
6. Sex and dating aren’t everything, have a cool job and a rich fantasy life
Tony: There, I think that’s everything
Sam: Have an exception to #4?
Tony: Oh god, really? Already?
Sam: Who’s yours?
Tony: A gentleman never pines and tells, Sam.
Sam: Will you introduce me to a supermodel?
Tony: No.
Sam: Would you introduce me to She-Hulk?
Tony: Swing for the fences, Sam, but still no.
SPIDER-MAN
SERIES OF IMAGES: A text conversation between Spider-man and Tony Stark, who in Spider-man’s phone is called “Mentor”. The time is 12:20PM.
Tony: Hey, are we still on for tutoring this afternoon?
Miles: Yeah but I might be late, Ganke and I have a thing
Tony: A thing?
Miles: It’s a lego thing.
Miles: I don’t even know if I can explain it, but I definitely don’t want to.
Miles: Actually I have a question, how much do you know about law stuff?
Tony: I used to be Secretary of Defense. For the United States.
Miles: Yeah but like
Criminal law?
Tony: Are you in trouble, Miles?
Miles: I’m brown, male, and 16.
Tony: I take your point.
Miles: Mom keeps flipping out about my safety. From cops.
And she doesn’t even know about the superhero thing, like what if a cop decides he’s gonna take on Spider-man?
Tony: Listen, I’m sure your parents have told you what to do. Just do what you have to not to get shot. If you get locked up call me and I will personally bail you out.
Miles: It’s some bullshit though, Tony. You know it is.
Tony: Yeah, it is.
At least you’re more bulletproof than the average kid.
Miles: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Tony: No, it just makes me worry less.
Miles: You worry about me?
Tony: I worry about all of you.
Tony: I cultivate an air of casual detachment because I’m very cool, but I am also constantly worried about everything, all the time, and right now you three are at the top of my list.
Miles: You don’t have to.
Tony: No, but I will continue to regardless.
Tony: Look, you should talk to Big Sam about this, he’s going to have a more useful perspective than I will.
Tony: Also he’s an activist, he can probably hook you up with some police protest groups.
Miles: Would he do that?
Tony: He wouldn’t have joined this team if he wasn’t interested in keeping all of you safe.
Tony: Or possibly he thinks I’m a terrible influence which, that’s legit.
Miles: You’re not a bad influence.
Tony: Well, thanks, but you’re young and have yet to see me make an Epic Mistake.
Miles: Does that happen often?
Tony: Feels like just about every summer.
I’ll let you know if I feel one coming on.
Anyway, I’ll see you for tutoring. Stay safe, have fun at the Lego thing.
Tony: Tell Ganke not to buy anything just for the minifig, he can get them cheaper at cons in a few months.
Miles: I am surrounded by nerds.
CAPTAIN AMERICA
SERIES OF IMAGES: A text conversation between Captain America and Tony Stark, who in Captain America’s phone is called “Tony Stark”. The time is 9:46 PM.
Tony: Children are exhausting. How do people who procreate do this 24/7
Sam: Kids keeping you up, Tony?
Tony: Funny.
Sam: What’s the problem?
Tony: What isn’t? Kamala’s dealing with peer pressure, Little Sam has a crush on Kamala and is failing so hard it’s audible
Spidey Jr. has a very justified fear of being shot by the police!
Sam: That is a lot. You want me to talk to Spider-man? (Bird Emoji) (Flag Emoji)
Tony: I told him to talk to you. So enjoy that, I guess.
Sam: I feel pretty good about being a role model actually. What did you tell the others?
Tony: I told Kamala to call me if she needs a grownup who won’t lose his shit, and I gave Little Sam my rules for dating.
Sam: Nice. Did you give him the Always Have An Exception rule?
Tony: Yes. His exception appears to be Kamala.
Sam: God they start young. Mine’s always been Monica.
Tony: Rambeau? I can see that.
Sam: What’s yours?
Wait no let me guess
Sam: Steve Rogers
Tony: Everyone but Steve Rogers (and apparently Little Sam) knows it’s Steve Rogers.
Sam: You wanna get dinner, man? You sound tired.
Tony: Yes I do. The diner? You fly, I’ll buy.
Sam: You’re never not gonna find that funny, are you?