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Lloyd rushed to try and hide the razor blade from Jay, however he knew it was too late and Jay had already seen it. Jay froze and eyed Lloyd cautiously before shifting to move into the bathroom and shutting the door behind him with a quiet creak until it clicked back.
“Lloyd. Why do you have that?” Jay asked, searching Lloyd’s eyes. Lloyd grimaced and did not respond. His body felt wrong . His mouth felt wrong, his teeth felt wrong, he figured if he tried to talk they’d all tumble out and Jay would see how screwed up he was. “Lloyd. How about you set it down?” Jay prompted, gently reaching out to Lloyd’s wrists and making him set it down on a countertop. Lloyd felt less peaceful once the blade was out of his grasp. “Okay Lloyd. Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong… and I’ll help you. Just tell me.” Jay begged. Lloyd decided to throw him a bone.
“Okay.” Lloyd softly croaked, giving a slight nod. Jay gave a slight puff of relief and dragged Lloyd through the hall as quietly as he could to avoid waking anyone else up. Jay ushered Lloyd back into his own room and sat him on the bed. Jay gave Lloyd a weary look and hummed expectantly. Lloyd avoided his gaze, unconsciously digging his nails into his skin, not registering the sting.
“Don’t do that!” Jay exclaimed, snatching Lloyd’s attention. “Alright, it's fine. It’s fine. ” Jay uttered, mostly trying to convince himself that things were fine. “Okay Lloyd… were you going to… harm yourself?” Jay prompted hesitantly, staring at Lloyd with so much compassion and fear that it stung. Lloyd’s own thoughts enveloped him before he could stop it.
Look at what you have done. You’ve made it his problem. You’re awful and useless- you can’t even fix it by yourself like a grown adult. He doesn’t deserve to deal with your problems Lloyd.
Lloyd decided to for once not listen to his inner thoughts and confessed quietly. “It had crossed my mind… I don’t know if I actually was going to or not.” Lloyd admitted, shifting his gaze from the floor onto Jay, he saw Jay tense up.
“Lloyd. I want to tell you something.” Jay admitted hesitantly. “I understand the feeling that you're not good enough…like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. But there’s always somebody who cares about you Lloyd.” Jay insisted before he continued shakily. “Hell, I can relate to wanting to hurt yourself! When I was a kid I struggled with regulating my emotions healthily and didn’t always share my feelings which led to me taking it out on myself. It only happened twice but I reached out to my parents and they helped me. They loved me and cared for me, they reassured me and listened to my troubles. Now I have even more support systems, like Nya or Cole… what I’m saying is… there’s always a better way to cope. I know it can be hard to quit, I’ve been clean for years and sometimes I still get urges. Yet, I don’t act on them, that’s the point. It’s hard I know, I know. However, sometimes it’s easier to stop for someone else rather than for just yourself.” Jay explained, blabbering on. Lloyd did his best to pay attention- but he was a bit taken aback that Jay of all people had once resorted to that. Yet, for some sick and twisted reason it made Lloyd feel good that there were others who suffered too. That he wasn’t alone. That he could reach out. Then he remembered, it would only burden them more. Add onto their problems and make things more difficult. Lloyd pushed the thoughts aside for now and looked Jay in the eyes, playing his perfectly curated role.
“I’m sorry you went through that Jay… I’m glad you're better. However, I can assure you I won’t resort to harming myself… how about this?” Lloyd prompted, which piqued Jay’s curiosity. “What if, anytime I feel like doing it I talk to you about it..?” Lloyd suggested, knowing full well he wouldn't.
Jay gave a meek nod. “Alright… I guess that works.” Jay seemed to sense how uncomfortable Lloyd felt. “Or- if you don’t want to talk about it… that’s fine too. There are other healthy ways to cope. You could draw or write, or maybe train.” Jay listed off ideas, Lloyd gave a nod.
“Thanks Jay, I’ll do one of those… for sure. I appreciate your advice and help. However, it’s late. You should probably get some sleep.” Lloyd said offhandedly. Then he jumped in surprise when he felt two arms wrap around him and pull him into a tight, crushing hug. Lloyd shifted uncomfortably, then cautiously gave Jay a hug back. After a few heartbeats Jay let go and gave Lloyd a half-hearted grin.
“Get some rest yourself Lloyd.” Jay nodded, before standing up, his knees and joints slightly popping as he stretched. Jay looked back once before walking out of Lloyd’s room, shutting the door.
Lloyd sat there in silence for nearly ten minutes. His thoughts swirling all round him, consuming him from the inside out.
You deserve to die. You deserve to bleed. You’re horrible. Why do you bother everyone else with your problems? Don’t ignore me, you wretch. I can’t believe you’d do such an awful thing. I bet Jay hates you. That’s why he told you other ways to “cope” . He doesn't want you to talk to him. I don’t blame him. Nobody wants to talk to you. Nobody likes you or your company Lloyd.
“Shut up for once.” Lloyd snapped quietly to himself, he stood up- frustration radiating off of him. He snagged a piece of paper and started to scribble down a drawing to air out his frustrations and feelings. He scribbled, the pen sounded loudly against paper as it scratched away, the lines jagged and rough.
After Lloyd finished the drawing he stared at it. He drew an Oni with deep purple eyes standing above a dead dragon, blood oozing from it’s fangs and claws as it cackled. Lloyd’s stomach twisting with unease at what he’d made. It was horrifying. Yet for some reason…. He craved it. He adored it.