Chapter Text
Throughout the rest of the night, Chuuya found it nearly impossible to fall asleep. He was still exhausted, that didn't change. But he was also too worried about Dazai to relax. He found himself continuously rolling over to make sure he was still in bed beside him and make sure he wasn't having a nightmare.
Chuuya had dealt with Dazai's nightmares in the past, so it was nothing new. Usually he calmed down as soon as he realized Chuuya was there and laughed it off. As far as he could tell, Dazai was never bothered by any of them and he usually went back to sleep right after.
He never did know if there was a specific trigger for his nightmares but he assumed that a storm could possibly be one of them. More than anything he didn't want Dazai to suffer by himself.
Moonlight shone through the clouds and illuminated Dazai's face. There were obvious signs that he had been crying with his swollen eyes and dried tear tracks. Other than that he didn't look distressed in any way so Chuuya decided he would try once again to fall back asleep. The clouds had mostly moved on which left a stunning view of the bright moon. It was bright enough that it slightly brightened the room.
He sat up and gave the sleeping man a kiss on the forehead before laying back down, rolling over, then closing his eyes for what had to be the third time that evening or perhaps morning. He had to guess it was around 2:30 in the morning by now.
Pulling the blanket up to his chest, Chuuya closed his eyes and finally succumbed to his exhaustion.
Another hour later and Chuuya woke up to the sound of loud, panicked gasping coming from the man beside him.
It wasn't a sound he had ever heard Dazai make before. He sounded genuinely terrified, something that Chuuya had never heard from him before.
"Hey.." He sat up and attempted to make eye contact only to be met with the sight of Dazai, eyes still closed with his brows furrowed in distress. More tears were running down his face, replacing the once dry ones. Chuuya then realized that he was still asleep.
"Dazai!" Chuuya said loudly enough to wake him up but not enough to hopefully scare him.
Chuuya moved away just in time to avoid being headbutt by the younger when he sat up frantically, nearly falling off of the bed in the process if it weren't for Chuuya grabbing his arm just in time.
"Hey...it's okay." He held onto Dazai's arm until he was sure he wouldn't fall.
Dazai was looking around the room as if he weren't sure exactly where he was since the room was significantly darker due to the clouds partially covering the moon.
"You're in the guest bedroom at my place." Chuuya reminded him, unsure of what exactly was going through his mind right now. Usually by now he would have laughed it off and went back to sleep but this time was different.
"Chuuya?" His voice was brittle with tears, making Chuuya's heart sink.
"Yeah it's me." He scooted closer to Dazai until their arms touched, surprised when he flinched. Chuuya couldn't ever remember a time when Dazai flinched away from his touch. "What's going on 'Samu?"
"It's nothing, I'm okay. Sorry I woke you up. You can go back to sleep." Dazai turned slightly so that his back was turned to Chuuya. He couldn't see his face, which meant he was most likely either trying not to cry or trying to stop crying. Either way, Chuuya refused to let him hide behind a mask so he could deal with it by himself.
"Dazai." Chuuya said, voice more serious this time. "We need to talk about this. You don't have to go into any details if you don't want to but I can't help you if I don't know what the issue is." He grabbed one of Dazai's trembling hands and rubbed his thumb over it.
"It's nothing, like I said, it was a bad dream. That's all."
This wasn't the first time he found himself getting frustrated after trying to get Dazai to open up to him before. He hated it because he knew that Dazai wasn't doing it on purpose. More than anything it just hurt for Chuuya because it meant he didn't fully trust him. Chuuya had come to Dazai at times and allowed himself to be comforted so why couldn't Dazai do the same?
"Then why are you still crying?" He asked after a few tense moments of silence, aside from the occasional sniff coming from Dazai.
Dazai seemed unaware of the fact that there were still tears running down his face until he felt them for himself. "It's nothing. I'm fine, I promise."
Chuuya knew exactly what he was doing. He was shutting down like he always did when the topic got too close to something sensitive for him. It happened a lot when the topic of suicide came up earlier on in their relationship. It frustrated him to no end that he would rather attempt suicide than sit and open up. Though his attmepts weren't as serious as before, they still hurt Chuuya. Especially hearing how nonchalant he was about it.
"I can't stand to see you suffering like this, you know?" Chuuya admitted, feeling his own voice start to shake with a combination of frustration and hurt. "What hurts the most is knowing that you, after all this time, still don't trust me."
As soon as the words left his mouth, Chuuya felt a bit guilty. He wasn't upset with Dazai. That wasn't the issue at all. It just hurt to know that Chuuya wasn't afraid to come to him when he needed something. Dazai on the other hand was. Or at least it seemed that way.
Dazai stayed silent behind him and for a minute, Chuuya started to wonder if he should have been less harsh with him.
"Will you please look at me?" Chuuya asked after the silence became more than he could handle.
He pretended he didn't notice Dazai wiping tears from his eyes before turning back around to face Chuuya.
The first thing he noticed was how tired Dazai looked. It made Chuuya start to wonder how many of those nightmares he had suffered through by himself. There were additional tear tracks on his cheeks and his eyes were red and swollen from both crying and sleep depravation.
Chuuya reached out a hand, brushing Dazai's bangs from his forehead before letting go of his hand. "If you're not ready to talk about it with me that's fine, okay? I'm sorry if I sounded like I was trying to pressure you into it. That's not what I want. What I want is for you to know that I'm always going to be here for you. I promise you can come to me for anything and I'll listen to you. I care about you Osamu and I just want to be able to help you however I can. I won't judge you and I'm not going to stop loving you. Whatever it is that's bothering you, I'll help you." Chuuya reached over and rubbed Dazai's shoulder since he couldn't reach his back.
Dazai looked at him for a brief second before lowering his head, hair covering his eyes but not before Chuuya saw the tears fall. It hurt to see him cry but they both knew that he needed to let it out.
"Come here Mackerel." Chuuya pulled Dazai closer until he could give him a proper hug, letting him rest his head on his shoulder. "It's okay to cry. Just let it out Osamu."
At first Dazai was tense despite reciprocating the hug. It didn't take long however for him to melt into the embrace. He was mostly silent aside from a few small whimpers and the occasional shaky inhale. The only real sign he was even crying was the wetness on his shoulder.
Chuuya stayed silent aside from occasionally whispering words of comfort while he alternated between combing fingers through brown curls or rubbing Dazai's back while he continued to cry on his shoulder. This was the first time he had ever witnessed his lover breaking down like that so he wasn't entirely what to do or say. He still wasn't sure what the nightmare was about.
They sat there like that for what Chuuya guessed was around 10 minutes before Dazai pulled away from him and wiped his tears on his sleeve. He took a long, shaky deep breath in to calm himself before speaking again with a shaky voice.
"I never told anyone this." He started, looking down and playing with a loose bandage on his wrist. "But there's a reason why I hate storms."
"Are you sure you want to talk about it now?"
"Yeah. I'm fine."
Chuuya was impressed with Dazai's ability to go from crying to almost completely calm. Aside from the residual tears, there was almost no sign he had even been crying. He hid it so well that it made Chuuya remember all the times when Dazai would be upset in the past. Coincidentally those tended to be the days where he would take a long walk or take a long shower.
After taking in another deep and shaky breath, he continued. "This happened before I met you so this has always been a problem. I don't even understand "
"Trauma is trauma. How can you expect yourself to move on when you don't ever talk about it?" Chuuya reached for one of Dazai's hands and locked their fingers together, something he reciprocated immediately.
"I never told you about my parents." He cleared his throat and closed his eyes, clearly trying to prevent himself from breaking down again. "I'll spare you the graphic details because I don't want to talk about it right now...but when I was 11, they were taking me somewhere, I don't even remember."
Dazai paused again so Chuuya took that as an opportunity to pull him closer once again, hugging him from the side. "Take your time. If it's too much then you don't have to say it."
Dazai rested his head against Chuuya's shoulder, leaning into his comforting touch.
"The storms came out of nowhere that day. I remember back then I thought they were cool. I wasn't scared at first until...it started to hail and it got really windy. There were other cars pulled over but we kept going. I remember starting to feel scared by then but I trusted my father's judgement."
He paused so Chuuya took the opportunity to cover them both with the blanket that had been thrown to the side.
"It was raining so hard by then we couldn't see, so my mom asked him to pull over until the storm passed. He agreed but.." His breath hitched again and Chuuya drew the blanket closer to him. "He pulled over right as another driver lost control and slammed into us."
Chuuya felt his heart sink at the thought of an 11 year old child having to witness something so horrible. He ran his thumb over the back of Dazai's shaking hand.
"The car....it caught on fire. I never asked how it happened. I still don't know. I was so scared that I was going to die...they...-" Dazai's voice broke again, tears welling up in his eyes. -"they didn't die instantly."
"Fuckin' hell." Chuuya felt a knot forming in his throat too. He couldn't imagine losing his family in such a way, especially not at such a young age. He didn't even want to think about anyone dying that way.
"I couldn't get out on my own so they...they had to cut me out....I knew they were gone because I couldn't..." Dazai squeezed his eyes shut, more tears falling and clenched his fists. "I couldn't hear them screaming anymore."
"Dazai you don't-"
"It's fine." He said after a few moments of trying to compose himself. "It was 11 years ago. Half my life."
"You were a child, Dazai. That would be traumatic for an adult, much less a child. Don't try to brush it off and act like it isn't a big deal. It's completely understandable that you're traumatized by it." Chuuya started to recall all the times Dazai would refuse to drive any time they went anywhere.
"I try so hard not to think about it and it's usually not a problem." More tears started to run down his cheeks before he could try and hold them back. "That's when I realized that I want to die by my own hands. I don't want to go like ..like that."
Chuuya started to put two and two together, realizing a lot of things about Dazai that didn't make sense were starting to. He never asked about his parents, always assuming they were either dead or Dazai had never met them. "You never talked about them much. How were they?"
Dazai laughed humorless and wet. "They were strict. I wasn't a child prodigy because I wanted to be....but they did love me. I have fond memories of them. Someday I hope to visit their graves."
"Why don't we go together? If that's something you would want to do. Chuuya kept his arm around the taller man."
"Really?" Dazai looked at him, eyes still glassy with unshed tears.
"Yeah why not? Maybe it can help you get...not really closure but you know what I mean."
"Thank you Chuuya." Dazai yawned and rubbed his eyes tiredly, wiping his tears away. "I've never told that to anyone."
A pang of guilt for his statement about feeling like Dazai didn't trust him ran through Chuuya; but it did give him relief to know that he was wrong.
"Was that what your nightmare was about then?"
"No, not exactly but I don't feel like getting into that tonight." He yawned and curled up closer to Chuuya under their shared blanket. "My nightmares are usually about things I've done in the past."
Chuuya nodded but didn't pry further, feeling the weariness of lack of sleep start to creep in again. He hoped for both of their sake that this was the last time they would wake up until the next day. He was tempted to ask who raised Dazai but he was afraid that could be a sore subject.
"I'm sorry that I woke you up." Dazai repeated after laying back down.
"You should be." Chuuya teased, earning what seemed to be a genuine smile from Dazai. He leaned forward to press a gentle kiss on Dazai's lips, which the younger man eagerly returned. "But seriously, you can always come to me for anything okay?"
"I know, Chuuya." Dazai played with a long stand of his red hair, twisting it between his fingers. "It's not really easy for me but I promise I'll work on it for you, Chibi."
Chuuya felt hands brushing through his hair. He instantly leaned into the touch as fingers started to massage his scalp.
"Chuuya likes having his hair played with."
"Who doesn't?" He mumbled tiredly as they both laid back down for the second time that night. This time Chuuya laid with his back turned towards Dazai, whose arms were wrapped around him from behind.
"Thank you for everything Chuuya." Dazai whispered, on the verge of falling asleep again.
"Of course 'Samu." He mumbled against the pillow before closing his eyes.
They fell asleep in each other's arms and were both finally able to get the sleep they needed.