Chapter Text
“Evan! I’m home!” Tommy called out into the house.
“Hey Tommy!!” Evan replied with a smile.
“Hey, what you got there?” Tommy asked, eyeing the mess of papers on his kitchen counter.
“Oh.. uhm nothing! It’s uh nothing important..” Evan stammered, face flushing red. He looked down, avoiding eye contact with his beloved, not that he knew that yet.
Tommy raised an eyebrow in question. Ever since that night at the lab, when they’d come home and lain in bed together, he and Evan had been a lot better at being honest with each other. They were open with each other and definitely avoided hiding things from each other. “Are you sure?” he pushed, concern seeping into his voice, “It doesn’t seem like nothing.”
“Uh yeah! I mean, I guess it’s kind of big but it’s not like it’s gonna happen for real. Everyone at the 118 needs me, I don’t think I can just leave, you know? But like I think I need to. I think I need a new environment… or new people? I don’t know. But I’m trying to figure out like the ins and outs of all this, and it’s kind of a lot and-” Evan started to ramble, looking anywhere but Tommy.
“Woah, slow down, Evan. What are you talking about?” Tommy stopped him, eyes wide, not understanding anything that his boyfriend? Ex-boyfriend? (he still wasn’t completely sure what exactly they were, even after their moment the night Bobby died) was talking about. Leaving? What was he talking about?
“Oh, yeah, sorry,” Evan muttered, embarrassed at his incessant rambling. Tommy must be so annoyed at him right now. He hadn’t even been home for 5 minutes, and he was already annoying him.
“Hey, no. You know I love listening to you talk, baby. I’m sorry, I should have phrased it better. I wasn’t trying to get you to stop talking, I was just trying to understand what you were saying better. I didn’t have any context for what you were saying. I was confused. I’m sorry.” Tommy rushed to assure Evan. He knew how insecure he was about his fast-paced rambling and how he was often told to stop talking by the people around him who didn’t want to listen to him. The thought of those people made Tommy’s blood boil. How dare they make Evan feel inferior about himself - beautiful, perfect Evan?
He quickly pushed away those thoughts, though. They weren’t important here; Evan was. Speaking of which, the smaller man looked up at Tommy hopefully. “Yeah?” he said with those damn puppy eyes that could make anyone swoon.
Tommy chuckled softly at Evan’s adorableness. He really was the best thing to ever happen to him. “Yes, sweetheart. I love listening to you. Your internet dives are so often the highlight of my day,” he responded with a smile. “Now, do you want to tell me what’s going on with you? It’s okay if you don’t. We can table this conversation first and get back to it when you’re ready.”
Evan sighed and grumbled out, “No, I don’t think I should. If I put this off any longer, I won’t ever talk about it, and I’ll probably just start spiraling sooner or later.” Tommy offered a smile, proud of how far Evan had come in acknowledging his feelings and being more vulnerable with him. He stayed silent for a moment, giving Evan the space to continue on his own without any pressure.
He sighed once more, “I’m thinking of transferring out of the 118.”
“Oh.” Now, that was surprising, but also, was it?
“It’s a bad idea, isn’t it? I knew it,” Evan laughed, short and bitter. “I was stupid for even considering it. I-” “Hey, hey, no, no, baby. I didn’t say that. I was just surprised for a second.” Of course, Evan would think it was a stupid idea, when didn’t he anymore, thanks to the damn 118?
Evan continued, keeping his head down, clearly ashamed, “I just- I don’t think I can continue at the 118. Not after everything. I’ve wanted to transfer or quit so many times before, but they always stopped me from doing it for whatever reason.” Flashbacks from the lawsuit and from when Maddie and Chim left flashed through his mind. He’d always been considered stupid for those past attempts. Why would he even consider leaving? That was stupid, stupid, stupi-.
“That’s fair enough.” Evan snapped his head up in surprise. Had Tommy just… stood up for him? He thought he might find a smile on his face, some indicator that he was joking. Instead, he just found a serious look with his brows furrowed. A choked breath left Evan before he could stop it, his eyes stinging. He hadn’t even realized how desperately he’d wanted someone to say those words out loud.
“Really?” “Of course. It’s your choice. It’s always been your choice. They don’t have the right to tell you what to do with your life. Especially when they haven’t been there for you the way you needed recently. I know you love them, still doesn’t give them that right.”
“Wha- Tommy!” Evan exclaimed incredulously. Tommy had never been one to say bad things about others. Why was he so openly saying these things about his family?
“What? It’s true. It doesn’t feel like they’ve been offering you a ton of support since Bobby died, especially Eddie. I’m just saying, they shouldn’t get to dictate your life when they don’t bother to step into it when it matters.” Tommy shrugged. Evan instinctively opened his mouth in protest, ready to jump to their defense - only no words could emerge this time. All of his excuses and reasons in the past had suddenly evaporated from his tongue and become hollow and empty. He glanced down, thinking back to the past month since the man he saw as a father died. Suddenly, he realised… Tommy was right… When was the last time any of his friends ever talked to him or even tried to offer any comfort? Except for Ravi, of course. He’d been an amazing and constant friend even before that night at the lab, but Evan regularly told him to just take care of himself. He was younger and deserved to keep some of his remaining innocence while he still could.
He shook his head and looked back up at Tommy, continuing his piece. “Anyway, I… I just thought, you know, maybe it’s time to actually, I don’t know, branch out? I guess? I mean, that’s good, right? In the LAFD? To get more experience with things at different stations?” Tommy tilted his head, contemplating Evan’s words for a second before replying, “Well, yes, it’s typically thought to be pretty good for you to try working at different stations to try and get a feel of different kinds of leadership styles. Gives you more experience and ensures that you’re not just working at the same place and with the same people all the time.”
Evan nodded absentmindedly and continued, “Yeah, well, there’s that. And there’s also the fact that Chim is looking to become the new captain now, and since we’re brothers-in-law, I don’t think I’m legally allowed to work under him right now, right?” Tommy starts to nod, then abruptly pauses. Evan tilts his head slightly, wondering what was going through his head. He spoke again, “Well, it’s not technically the law, it is more of an ethical thing, but yes, having relatives work together does usually raise some concerns among the brass.”
At that, Evan hummed in agreement and said, “Right, so I thought I’d just go ahead and transfer out myself without getting the higher-ups involved. Besides…” He trailed off, staring into space, seemingly thinking back to past events.
Tommy furrowed his brow, concern etched on his face. “What, baby? What is it?” Evan sighed, “I don’t know if I can trust him to have my back and be my captain properly. Or Eddie, for that matter.” Tommy hummed in acknowledgment, allowing Evan space to keep talking. “I know it was always our thing, having each other’s backs. But recently... I don’t think he’s been having mine. Chim too, if I’m being honest.”
Tommy considered his words, then shrugged and said, “Hmm, well, you’re not wrong. Neither of them have really had your back all that much as of late. Not the way they used to, anyway. And to be very honest, Evan, I don’t even know if Howie is ready to be captain.” Evan looked up at him, curious, “Really? What makes you say that?” Tommy paused for a moment to gather his thoughts.
“I mean, don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy, and he could absolutely get there eventually. But for right now? I think he’s a bit too… I don’t know, impulsive? Immature maybe? I mean, that moment in the rubble that you told me about? That was one moment where he stepped up to take the lead. It was a good moment, don’t get me wrong, he did amazing, but only one moment nonetheless. I don’t know if he could do that all the time in the field, it’s just not him right now. He could definitely use some more training before he fully reaches that.” Evan considered this for a while, running Tommy’s words through his brain. “Huh, I never really thought about that… But I guess you’re right.”
“Anything else on your mind, Evan?” Tommy asked, sensing that there was more that the man in front of him wasn’t saying.
Evan briefly wondered how the larger man could always, without fail, know exactly what was on his mind and know exactly what to say to help him. He took a deep breath, gathering the courage he needed to finally verbalise the words he’s been wanting to say for weeks. His heart was banging against his ribs, the words heavy on his tongue.
“Yeah, I.. I think I wanna take the Lieutenants’ Exam…”
Tommy quickly turned to him, eyes wide in surprise and… pride? “Yeah?”
Evan gazed into Tommy’s eyes, determination and confidence shining in his eyes for the first time in months. “Yeah… I think so. It’s been a long time coming. I have the most certifications among all of us at the 118. I know how to lead if I need to. And I… I think it’s what Bobby would have wanted for me.”
Tommy smiled, “Yeah, baby, he’d be very proud of you.” Evan beamed at the affirmation, happy that he had Tommy’s approval, not that he technically needed it, as Tommy would assure him repeatedly. As they sat in comfortable silence, Evan found his eyes wandering to Tommy’s lips. The lips he’d felt on his so many times before, before both of them messed everything up. Oh, what he’d give to feel them again… Without even knowing, he started to slowly lean in towards him, briefly imagining the sensations of those familiar lips on his - the warmth, the softness, the overwhelming feeling of safety that’d been missing for the last few months.
Tommy quickly realised what was about to happen, and all of a sudden, panic gripped his body. No, he couldn’t, not yet. He couldn’t let Evan waste his life on someone like him. He abruptly got up from the couch, stammering out an excuse.
“Uhm uh, do you, uh, do you want anything specific for dinner?” Tommy flushed red, embarrassed at his attempts at maintaining the pleasant mood. Evidently, he’d failed spectacularly as he watched Evan’s face visibly drop, though he tried his best to plaster on a fake smile to hide his disappointment.
He slowly pulled back, saying, “Oh, uhm, no, uh, anything is fine.” Tommy nodded. “Is, uh, Chinese good for you?” Evan distractedly answered, looking anywhere but at Tommy, “Yeah sure, I don’t mind.”
“Great.” Tommy smiled nervously and walked away to order the food. Once he was supposedly out of earshot, Evan sighed and groaned, bringing his hands up to press at his eyes, quietly berating himself out loud for trying to rush things again. Unbeknownst to him, however, Tommy was just around the corner, listening to every word and sound emerging from the love of his life. He held back tears at the thought of the hurt he had just caused to the other man. This was exactly why they couldn’t be together; he would only end up hurting him, and he wouldn’t allow that. He would always protect the younger man, no matter the cost.
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The food arrived a while later, and after getting situated at the dining table, the two ate in silence. The clink of chopsticks against plastic containers sounded unbearably loud. Every bite tasted like cardboard, each swallow scraping down a too-tight throat. When they finished and cleaned up, they robotically returned to the couch and continued to sit awkwardly in silence. The silence stretches on until it becomes deafening, the unresolved moment from before looming over them. The two men exchanged occasional glances, awkwardly sneaking peeks at each other before quickly looking down, doing their best to avoid eye contact.
After a few minutes, neither of them could take it anymore. They both realised that this couldn’t go on forever; one of them had to speak up eventually.
“I’m sorry I-” “I think we should-”
They stop and stare at each other for a split second before bursting out into laughter.
Tommy chuckled slightly before saying, “You go first, Evan.” “Heh, okay then… Yeah, I think we should talk. We probably should have talked since that first night when we broke up but…”
“But we both put it off so long that we never did.” “Yeah…” Tommy sighed, regretting the weeks, months even, that they spent apart, never getting any closure about their relationship. All because he got scared like a child and ran.
“You’re right, we should talk. And I’ll start, for right now. I am sorry, Evan.” Evan went to protest, but Tommy held up his hand, effectively cutting him off. “Nope, just let me say this. I’m sorry that I walked out on you. Both times. I never should have tried to decide what was best for you when you asked me to move in with you, nor should I have let my insecurities get the best of me and make me say stupid things about stuff I didn’t know about. I’m sorry.”
Evan furrowed his brows and frowned, reaching out to take Tommy's hand. To his relief, he didn't pull away, just grasped his hand even tighter. “Hey, no. I’m sorry. I jumped the gun, asking you to move in that first time, and I understand that you got spooked by that. I get it. And I’m sorry. I just- *sighs* sometimes I say stupid things when I don’t mean to, and I just end up Bucking things up every time.” As he said this, his shoulders slumped forward.
At that moment, Tommy's brain sputtered. What did Evan just say? “I’m sorry, ‘Bucking things up’?” He stared at Evan incredulously, in disbelief at the words that just came out of his mouth. He was in even more disbelief when Evan simply shrugged nonchalantly, like he hadn't just dropped an enormous bombshell on him.
“Something the guys at the 118 came up with. Basically when I get impulsive and jump the gun or mess things up. Bucking things up.” Evan didn’t show even a single sign of discomfort or upset at the notion, causing Tommy to frown even deeper. He couldn’t believe his ears. Why on earth was Evan just okay with this??? This wasn’t okay at all! “Evan, that, that is so… rude and disrespectful. That shouldn’t even be a term that exists. What the fuck?” That familiar rage started boiling in his gut, though he quickly pushed it down in favour of taking care of Evan. But how dare they say that to him? Make his name into such a derogatory term!
Evan didn’t say anything in reply, just stared down into his lap blankly, thoughts clearly racing through his mind. He hadn’t realised the implications of the term until now, that is. It dawned on Tommy that this wasn’t the time to unpack this particular gripe and sighed. “Okay, we’ll table that one for now. You were saying?” “No, no, you- you have a point…” Evan laughed bitterly, smiling mirthfully. “You seem to have a lot of those when it comes to how our family treats me all the time. ‘m starting to realise that this may have been a lot more one-sided and toxic than I thought all along…”
Tommy laced their fingers and squeezed Evan’s hand reassuredly. “Hey, we don’t need to get into that right now, if you don’t want to. We can totally come back to it later, or never if you prefer.”
Evan sighed and shook his head. “No, I’d really rather not talk about them right now. They don’t get to ruin this too.” Tommy smiled at that, and Evan gave his own small smile in return, continuing on his earlier apology.
“And hey, no matter what you said about me and Eddie, I never should have lashed out at you the way that I did. I seriously didn’t mean anything I said that morning. At all. I definitely have a lot of feelings for you.” He stared at Tommy sincerely, grinning near the end. Tommy also chuckled in response to the last sentence. “Noted.”
“Besides, you know that I know better than anyone that insecurities are a bitch and a half, and I’d be a hypocrite if I got mad at you for letting them get in the way of things, especially when you consider how we got together in the first place.” Evan’s grin widened, flashing back to their terrible first “dates” and the thing that led up to their first kiss. Tommy laughed at that, and not a small chuckle, no. He let out a full-bodied laugh at the ridiculousness of the apparent pattern in their relationship. “Hahaha, yeah, you did maim your best friend,” he chuckled, smirking slightly, that mischievous glint that Evan oh so loved shining in his eyes.
Evan preened at being able to make Tommy smile again. His smile softened as he spoke again, “So, I guess we could both say that uh we messed up pretty bad, huh?” He blushed red, rubbing the back of his neck. “Heh, yeah, I guess so.” Tommy mimicked Evan’s sheepish actions, slightly averting his eyes, ashamed of his impulsiveness. Silence once again fell over the two of them, only this time, it was comfortable. They didn’t feel like crawling out of their skins in discomfort or wish the floor would open up and swallow them whole. They just sat contentedly, basking in each other’s presence.
Until Evan tentatively broke it. “So… what now?” Tommy shrugged, not nonchalantly, just shy. “I don’t know. Do…” He hung his head minutely, still gazing up at Evan. “Would you still wanna try again…? With me?” Evan internally beamed at the question, having waited months to hear those words, though he only outwardly presented a soft, fond smile to his hopeful partner. “Yeah?”
Tommy nodded emphatically, speaking softly, as if afraid to raise his voice any higher in case he spooks someone. “Yes. No big dramatic gestures, no more second-guessing each other’s wants, just- just the two of us? Together, working this out slowly as we go along?” Evan’s smile grew wider as he reached forward to grab Tommy’s chin with two fingers, reminiscent of what Tommy had done during their first kiss, making eye contact with the love of his life. “I’d like that.”
Tommy’s eyes brightened like Evan had never seen before, his beautiful spark slowly but surely returning. “Yeah?” he enquired with all the joy and hope in the world. Evan felt his heart soaring as he leant forward, resting their foreheads together.
“Yes. A thousand times, yes.”
They paused for a second, taking in each other’s light and joy, neither firefighter speaking, breathing in sync.
“Think we can try that kiss again?” Tommy smirked as he answered, “Thought you’d never ask.”
They kiss, not passionately, but softly, tentatively, like they were too scared of breaking the delicate little bubble they’d created. But deep inside, they knew, that nothing on Earth could ever break the bond that they shared or steal the love that they had for each other. After ages of darkness, this… would be their new dawn.
**The End**