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“Who the fuck do you think you are, Diaz?!”
Eddie jumped at the sound of the door slamming open, snapping his head up to see Tommy in his doorway and he looked pissed. “Well, hello to you too, Kinard. And exactly how did you get into my house?” he said dryly.
“Evan gave me the key to his house. That’s not important right now. Just where do you get off saying what you did to Evan?
“What? Why on earth would Buck give you a key? And wha- I didn’t say anything to him!” Eddie was so confused. What had he done to have the wrath of Tommy Kinard rain down on him? And why was he calling it Buck’s house?
“Oh yeah? So you didn’t tell him that he was incapable of being happy for you because he’d just ‘make things about himself again’? Or that he didn’t understand what it was like to receive that phone call in the dark when he had to give it? Or,” he laughed sarcastically, “Maybe even that he was selfish and exhausting or any number of things that had him showing up on my doorstep trying his best to hold himself together so he wouldn’t ‘bother’ me and because you kicked him out of his own house?!” Tommy’s voice was gradually rising, the boiling rage he felt starting to spill out as he was faced with this man who had hurt the person he loved. Buck had shown up at Tommy’s house the night before, looking broken and like he was about to drown in the tears that threatened to break through the dam he'd built the night Bobby died.
Eddie paused. Yes, he had said those things, but he didn’t think they were such a big deal. Right? I mean, he’d brought Chris around to cheer Buck up in the end. Didn’t that count for something? And this was his house, not Buck's! Why did Tommy keep saying that??
“Nothing, huh?” Tommy scoffed, “Of course not, you’re Eddie fucking Diaz, aren’t you? The golden boy of the 118 who can do no wrong, even if it’s literally fucking illegal. The man who can do it all, even if your fucking partner was doing it way before you and just fine on his own. Let me tell you this, Edmundo. Evan doesn’t deserve you, or the shit that all you fuckers at the 118 have put him through over the years. He gives everything he is and has to you people. Every. Single. Time. Without fail. And what does he get back in return? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Not when he needs it. Not ever.”
“Yeah, well he needs to understand that not everything is about h-” “I swear to God, Eddie, if you finish that goddamn sentence!” Eddie shut his mouth, the words dying on his tongue, tasting bitter and suddenly getting caught in his throat. He could practically see the smoke puffing out of Tommy's nostrils. He clearly wasn’t about to let him defend himself here and maybe, just this once, Eddie couldn’t find the words to do so.
Tommy paused for a second; as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t fly off the handle. Already, he’d said more than he was supposed to. He was only supposed to pack Buck a bag to stay at his house for a while, nothing more, but Eddie’s entire presence had pissed him off so much that he simply couldn’t help it. He took in a deep breath, gathering his thoughts. “Eddie.. In the last year that I have known you and Evan, he has never once made things about himself. And you know, maybe he should, Eddie, at least some of the time. Everything he told me about while we were together has always been about the rest of you. You getting shot, the tsunami, everything. Didn’t matter how badly he got hurt, as long as any of you did. And yes, maybe he acted out when you were leaving for Texas. But, can you blame him? After losing his boyfriend over something I can admit was stupid, he was suddenly losing his best friend too. His best friend who didn’t even talk to him about it. He wasn’t even trying to sabotage your house showings, he was genuinely trying to help. Even after you yelled at him without even letting him defend himself, he so kindly offered to take over your lease and stay in your house while you fixed your fuck-up with your son.” After saying this, Tommy turned away and started to shuffle around the house, grabbing some of Buck’s belongings and stuffing them into a duffel bag. All Eddie could do was stand there and watch Tommy overturn the house, lost in thought. He hadn’t forgotten that part, how Buck didn’t even fight against the shouting or stop him. He shuddered to think of what other anger could have slipped out of his mouth had the others not shown up. It’d always been easy to assume that Buck was okay, that he was fine just taking it. But maybe that wasn’t so. Maybe it wasn’t so simple. Perhaps the two of them had just grown accustomed to it, to hurt.
As he entered the master bedroom, Tommy paused and turned around to face Eddie. “Look, Eddie, you can go on and on about feeling guilty about not being there at the lab when things went south, fine, but that is not Evan’s fault. He did not make you leave, you made that decision all on your own, Evan just made it possible. And before you say anything, yes, I understand that you left to be with your son and get him back. I’m not faulting you for that. I get it. I would have done the exact same thing. But do not put that on him. And you do not get to blame him or imply that he didn’t do absolutely everything in his power to save Bobby.”
Okay, now Eddie was pissed. Screw Tommy, he was finally gonna say something for himself. He would never imply that about Buck! “I never said that! I just– I don’t know what happened that night! I wasn’t there and no one will tell me!” he shouted, feeling sick to his stomach, though he couldn’t quite figure out why in that moment. Tommy stared at Eddie incredulously for a few seconds before shaking his head and continuing to pack clothes and essentials for Buck.
“You’re right, you weren’t there that night, so you don’t get to pass any judgment on what happened at that fucking lab. You wanna talk about sitting alone in the dark? He sat alone in the dark too, after watching the man he loved so much slip away from him AND DIE. I watched him collapse in that hallway and scream his heart out, trying to make sense of what was happening. But you never asked, did you? You didn’t care what it did to him. Because you had it hard having to tell Christopher,” Tommy snapped, his voice breaking near the end.
At this, he stopped his movements, holding a shirt in his hand, tears welling up in his eyes at the reminder of the haunting image of Buck in that godforsaken hallway. He quickly blinked them away and addressed Eddie again, looking directly at him. “You know, you call him selfish and tell him that he always ‘makes everything about himself’, and even dare to mock him for it. But you know what I think, Eddie? I think that that’s what you do. You are the one who makes everything about yourself. You never see past your side of things. The lawsuit? That was about your pain—losing Shannon, missing Evan—not about how hard he fought to return to a family that abandoned him when he needed them. The tsunami was your absolute terror of losing Christopher for ten seconds, not Evan spending hours panicking and screaming his name. The lab? You weren’t even there—but somehow, it’s still about you. And now, Bobby’s death isn’t about the people who watched him die—it’s about your grief. Always yours. You can’t see that Evan is grieving too or that his grief looks different from yours. All you see is your own struggles and everyone else has to cater to them no matter what. Oh, and did you ever stop to consider that no one would tell you about what happened at the lab because they were traumatised by it?! If they weren’t watching Bobby die, they were stuck in that damn lab themselves!!”
Oh. Oh, he hadn’t thought of that. “Okay, that is not fair. I-” “Can you honestly tell me, Eddie, that at any point since Bobby died, you actually thought about Evan and what he was going through, or anyone else at the 118? Because maybe he never asked what it was like for you, but you better fucking believe he’s been thinking about it 24/7. Have you?” Eddie paused. Tommy was right. He really hadn’t. At no point had he considered what Buck had seen that day at the lab and at that moment, it all came crashing down on him. He hadn’t seen how badly Buck was trying to help the rest of the 118 either, he just thought that was Buck being Buck. He started to realise just how poorly he had been treating Buck since he came back. Maybe even the rest of the 118 too. He neglected to see how Chim now flinched at any mention of any lab, how Hen frequently held her side in pain, looking distant as she did. He didn’t even see how the usually cheerful and enthusiastic Ravi had grown quiet since the incident. God, what kind of friend was he? But he couldn’t back down now, of course. Who was Tommy to speak to him this way in his own home? He literally broke Buck’s heart months prior. Who was he to call him out and lecture him?
“That’s rich coming from you, Kinard. Do you even know how broken up Buck was after you guys broke up? You walked out on him. You do not get to judge me right now. You aren’t a part of this family.” Eddie spat out with such vitriol, not even registering the words spilling out of his mouth.
Tommy didn’t flinch though, he just stopped and stared at Eddie, his expression eerily calm. He stepped closer to Eddie, breathing evenly and slowly. Eddie stepped back away from Tommy, suddenly afraid of the large man in front of him. It slowly dawned upon him just how close he was to him and how epicly he had fucked up with those words. The two men kept walking back until Eddie was backed up against the wall, just as Buck had been when they’d fought in the kitchen weeks ago. Eddie held his breath, waiting to be struck or yelled at or- or- anything! Instead, though, he was met with a calm and even voice that sent chills down his spine.
“If this is how this family treats one another, then I’m glad I’m not a part of it. Family doesn’t treat you like a burden or like you’re useless, nor do they call you exhausting or selfish. It doesn’t kick you while you’re down, over and over again, and then laugh when you can’t get up. It loves you and supports you no matter your flaws, which is what I plan to do for Evan, regardless of how badly I messed up before.” Eddie sucked in a sharp breath at those words, feeling like a knife had been shoved into his gut and twisted even deeper. They really had fucked up. Tommy stepped away from Eddie, grabbed the last of Buck’s things, and turned on his heel toward the front door as Eddie robotically followed after him. Before he stepped out the front door, he stopped and turned to Eddie, delivering the final blow.
“Fix your shit, Diaz. Do better, for your son, for yourself, and for Evan. And do not contact either of us. Not until Evan reaches out to you first.” With that, he walked out the front door and drove away, leaving Eddie with his thoughts and his newfound regrets. So that’s what that sick feeling was earlier… guilt.