Chapter Text
Alex had just gotten back from the shower and decided to go to bed without waiting for Matt to return. Matt had told him he was going to a bar, after all. No, Alex wasn’t upset about not being invited—it just meant Matt could come back at any time during the night. Alex still felt a bit uneasy and anxious when he saw him, but he was doing his best to push through it. Avoiding him was the last thing he should be doing right now, and he knew that. Still, he was afraid he wasn’t doing enough, still felt guilty, but just couldn’t go back to how things were. It was as if the conversation a few days ago had split everything into “before” and “after,” tearing it all apart.
So when the door swung open loudly in the middle of the night, of course Alex woke up—but he didn’t move. He kept his eyes shut, listening to the footsteps of two people. But then he heard a soft, muttered, “Fuck, Matt,” and immediately recognized Taylor’s voice. Apparently, Taylor was half-carrying Matt, which was... odd. Alex couldn’t remember ever seeing Matt so drunk he couldn’t walk home on his own.
He heard Taylor sit Matt down on the bed—and it sounded like Matt didn’t lie down but just sat there. Maybe his legs weren’t cooperating, but he clearly still had some strength left, because Alex didn’t hear the usual creak from the bed springs. After a bit of low conversation, Taylor left, and Alex was alone with Matt again, still not daring to turn around and look at him. And maybe it would’ve been better if he really hadn’t—if he had just gone back to sleep and kept staring at the wall.
But his thoughts kept gnawing at him. It didn’t feel right to pretend he was asleep. Maybe Matt needed help with something? Although, honestly, it was more that Alex could feel Matt staring at the back of his head—like his scattered attention was somehow entirely focused on him. Or maybe Matt was just zoning out and staring into space. Still, the tension wrapping around Alex was growing thicker by the second, and he couldn’t ignore it any longer.
“Hi,” he said. He was surprised his voice didn’t even sound tired.
Matt met his eyes, but only after a second did he break into a grin. Alex could see it because the hallway light Taylor had just passed through was still on, casting a sliver of light under the door.
“Heeey,” Matt said, clearly drunk. “Did I wake you up? Sorryyy.”
“It’s fine. I’ll fall back asleep soon.”
“Yeah...” Matt stood up from the bed with surprising ease. “But while you’re still awake...”
“What are you doing?” Alex asked nervously as Matt slowly approached. The state he was in made Alex uneasy.
“Can I ask you something?” The last bit of light went out, leaving them in complete darkness. Alex always preferred closing the blinds at night.
“Y-yeah,” he barely managed to breathe out when Matt climbed onto the bed and placed his hands on either side of Alex’s face. He was staring at him wide-eyed. Matt looked like he was about to collapse onto him, but somehow he held himself steady long enough to speak.
“Can I... can I kiss you?”
He said it so clearly, Alex couldn’t even pretend he’d misheard. It was like being doused in boiling water—he just stared, stunned, for a few seconds. He didn’t think, didn’t weigh anything. It felt like every grain of time might steal from him something he’d already agreed to long ago. He shut his eyes, half-expecting to wake up from a dream, and gave a barely noticeable nod with a quiet hum.
And oh god—when Matt bent one arm and gently traced his hand along Alex’s cheek, brushing the earrings on his flushed ears with his fingertips, Alex just broke. He lost the last shred of self-control. That light touch along his jaw and the soft press of Matt’s lips was all it took. He grabbed Matt, pulling him down, toppling what was left of his balance. He wrapped his arms around his neck and shoulders and kissed him back, holding him close. Alex needed it—desperately, achingly—arching into Matt’s quick, messy kisses.
He wanted to wrap his legs around him, bury his hands in his hair, deepen the kiss. He wanted to give everything he had, and receive even more.
But instead, Matt suddenly stopped and just hugged him, nuzzling into his neck. Of course Alex hugged him back—but his heart was pounding so violently, Matt had to feel it. He was breathing hard, every breath scorching Alex’s neck, leaving no room to calm down. After about a minute, Alex’s mind finally caught up, flooding with thoughts. Questions. Realization.
“Matt? Can you hear me?” he asked quietly, but with every word, his hope for an answer dwindled. “Shit.”
He realized Matt had fallen asleep—his grip had gone slack, and his breathing had settled into a soft, steady rhythm. Alex sighed heavily. Carefully, he shifted him off his chest, realizing he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep under that weight. Literally or emotionally. And honestly, sleep wasn’t likely to come either way. He’d have to find a way to explain all this in the morning. God help him.
Alex eventually fell asleep lying on his back, afraid to move and trying to think of anything but the way Matt’s lips had felt. He dozed off after more than an hour, which, given how late Matt had arrived, meant he’d barely get four hours of sleep before morning. At some point, he just turned off his alarm, knowing he wouldn’t make it through a full school day anyway. And waking Matt up... that would’ve been even more awkward. He could only hope this would somehow resolve itself.
When Alex woke up, Matt was still lying beside him, his arms sprawled out sleepily. Carefully reaching for his phone, Alex saw it was already ten in the morning. There were a few messages from classmates, all with question marks, and—surprisingly—a dozen texts and missed calls from Taylor.
His body tensed immediately as he began reading, the messages full of concern for Matt, asking Alex to keep an eye on him and help him to the bathroom if needed. Alex had no idea how Taylor knew he hadn’t been asleep that night, but he quickly started typing with one hand—getting the other out from under Matt was too difficult.
You [9:54 AM]
hey, sorry I didn’t reply earlier
Matt’s still sleeping
Taylor [9:55 AM]
Is everything okay?
You [9:55 AM]
yeah
Taylor [9:56 AM]
He never gets that drunk
That’s why I was worried
You [9:56 AM]
Did something happen?
Taylor [9:57 AM]
I’m not sure I should say what we talked about
Nothing was weird last night for sure?
You [9:58 AM]
yeah
something did
Taylor [9:58 AM]
?!
What??
Alex?!!
Alex clenched the phone in his hand. A bead of sweat had gathered at his temple. He glanced at Matt—or rather, at the messy top of his head. Fuck it. He probably had nothing to lose.
You [10:01 AM]
please don’t tell Matt
he might not remember
Taylor [10:02 AM]
Alex, wth are you talking about?
You [10:04 AM]
he kissed me
Taylor [10:04 AM]
Holy shit
I knew it
You [10:05 AM]
WHAT
Taylor [10:05 AM]
Alex, listen...
Wait
Do you mean he kissed you?
Like... how did you react?
Alex froze again, not knowing how to answer. A minute passed. His heart was pounding, trying to break free from his chest. He’d completely forgotten that Matt was still right there.
You [10:07 AM]
I…
He started typing but couldn’t finish.
“Who’re you texting?” Matt’s voice was lazy, but too loud in the quiet room. He shifted closer to Alex, who instantly turned off his phone and tossed it aside.
“Good morning. That’s all you want to ask?” Alex shot back, trying to sound calm, even managing a smile.
“What?”
“You’re not weirded out by anything?” Alex nodded toward himself.
“Hey, I don’t even remember how I ended up here. But I’m not lying on the floor, and you didn’t kick me out, so…” Matt looked him in the eye, and Alex swallowed hard. That first sentence Matt had said was still ringing in his ears.
“But…” Alex’s voice faltered.
“Should I leave?” Matt tried to get up quickly, but it didn’t go well—he collapsed right back onto Alex, catching himself with his arms on either side. Alex stared up at him like he had last night: eyes wide, mouth slightly open, chest rising fast. This time, though, his face was visibly red.
Matt froze for a second, then backed away. Alex looked away, and Matt slowly got off the bed. He didn’t say anything. The shift in mood was so sharp, Alex was convinced Matt had remembered. But the hope was too faint to hold on to.
“You okay?” Alex asked on an exhale.
“Yeah, of course,” Matt replied quickly, rummaging through his things. Alex thought he might head for the shower or something—but instead, Matt just grabbed his cigarettes and walked out of the room without even putting on a jacket. That was a bad sign. Very bad. And Alex realized he couldn’t just let him go like that again, not after everything. Even if his own knees were shaking from the fear of the conversation.
He jumped up, grabbed both their jackets and the keys, and ran after him.
Luckily, their room was near the end of the hallway, and Matt hadn’t gone far.
“Matthew!”
No response. Alex didn’t believe for a second he hadn’t heard. He shouted louder, hoping everyone was already in class and no one would come out to check. Matt did turn around—but kept walking. So Alex ran after him and grabbed his arm, spinning him around.
“I called you, dammit!”
“Shh,” Matt touched his chest, instantly noticing how fast Alex’s heart was racing. “I heard you.”
“Then what?”
“I just can’t talk right now.”
“No.” Alex had already dropped the jackets, and now he gripped Matt’s shoulders with both hands, practically begging him to make eye contact.
“I need space, Alex.” That stung, but Alex wasn’t backing down.
“I think there’s plenty of space between us already, Matt.” He switched into all-or-nothing mode. Because he genuinely believed this needed to happen. Things couldn’t get any more messed up than they already were. Matt was silent for a few seconds before nodding.
“Okay. We’ll talk. But I still want to smoke.”
“Fine.” Alex let go, picked up the jackets, and handed one to Matt. “Let’s go.”
As soon as the wind hit Alex’s face, reality struck. Fear gripped him—he’d actually have to talk. So when Matt flicked his lighter, Alex blurted out quickly, staring at the ground:
“I’m leaving in a month, and then it’s over,” his voice cracked, “Maybe even sooner.”
“What? Where’s this coming from?” Matt sounded slightly alarmed, but Alex couldn’t see his face.
“A month’s not that long. We can just get through it without talking, forget everything that happened. I can do that, if you want.” Alex felt like everything inside him had shrunk to the size of an atom. Whatever Matt said next could completely crush him.
“I don’t want that,” Matt interrupted firmly. Then, more quietly, “I don’t want to pretend nothing happened, Alex.”
“Even what happened last night?” Alex shifted from foot to foot. He glanced up at Matt and swallowed before continuing. “Matt, you kissed me.”
Matt let out a strange noise and dropped his cigarette. His heart immediately began to race, and only now did he realize how badly his head hurt from all the drinking the night before. His knees buckled, and his vision blurred. He dropped onto a nearby bench but gestured that he was okay.
“Yeah,” Matt’s voice was low, “I know.” He buried his fingers in his hair, leaned forward, resting his head in his hands. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?” Alex’s heart was going into overdrive—he was on the verge of a panic attack. He tried to take a breath, but it barely worked.
“I mean… fuck.” Matt was struggling to speak, his voice rough. He coughed nervously. “Just—tell me if I shouldn’t have. If I got it all wrong. Let’s just put an end to this already, please.”
Alex was stunned, his brain trying to process it all. Matt looked up at him—and the sadness in his eyes erased any doubt that Matt had been just as torn up as Alex. Alex wanted to give himself time to think it all over, but he knew how painful every second of that eye contact was for Matt.
“No, you were right.” Matt seemed to snap back to life—or rather, something cleared in his eyes, even if he still looked confused. Alex didn’t know what else to do, so he just leaned in and kissed him—softly, lightly, like a question. Then immediately pulled away.
But Matt didn’t even give him a second. He cupped Alex’s face with both hands and stood up from the bench, changing the angle of the kiss but not breaking it. Now he had to lean down.
Only a couple seconds passed before Matt pulled away just to look at him, smiling. Alex stepped back a little, glanced around—there weren’t many people around, no one they knew—but still mumbled awkwardly:
“I’m not sure I want to kiss in front of everyone.” Alex gently pushed Matt’s hands off him.
“Because of me? You think anyone in the US in 2017 would care?” Matt joked, though it clearly stung a bit.
“No, that’s not it. I think I’m bi, and I think I’d be okay with people knowing,” Alex admitted, realizing he was rambling again. “I’m just… not used to showing that stuff in public.”
“Wow, you’re even more delicate than I thought,” Matt grinned. “Okay, come on.”
Alex looked into his eyes again and took his hand. Matt’s heart pounded as he squeezed their fingers tighter, walking with him back into the campus building. He was definitely happy—so much so he didn’t notice how Alex was still trembling slightly with anxiety. As soon as Matt let him into the room, Alex slipped away from his embrace and pulled his hand free. Matt stepped back, confused.
“What’s wrong?”
“What now, Matt?” Alex’s face was suddenly filled with worry and sadness. He turned toward the window.
“What do you mean?” Matt took a few steps closer but kept some distance.
“You’re just gonna sleep with me and forget it? Like you do with everyone else? Don’t tell me I’m different—I’ve seen how those things go. And I’m a guy,” he added quickly, nervously, clearly meaning every word.
Matt stopped him mid-sentence.
“No.” He was beside him in a second, trying to take his hand. “Alex, it’s not like that. Look at me.” And Alex did, though he looked deeply unsure. “I want… I really want to build something real with you, Alex. Like we talked about—I already knew then.”
“Something real?” Alex pulled away. “Did you forget I’m leaving in a month? I’m not staying here forever.”
“I haven’t forgotten,” Matt replied, just as calmly. “Stay here for the summer. With us.”
“You’re kidding, right? What am I supposed to tell my parents? Where would I even live?” Alex practically laughed in his face. It all sounded like one big joke. He’d dug himself too deep to see Matt’s honest eyes on the surface.
“I told you—stay with us. In Rochester. With me, Hendrix, and my mom.” Matt leaned in and gently stroked his cheek. “And in the fall, I’ll ask to be sent to Vancouver for the semester. I think the old university heads are competent enough to arrange that.”
“That’s insane, Matt.” His wide eyes, pupils blown, now squeezed shut, brows furrowed. He leaned into Matt’s touch, but Matt pulled away.
“I’m serious. You don’t believe me?” He stepped back and picked up his phone, which had been lying untouched since the night before. “I’ll call my mom right now and tell her.”
“What? Matt, what the hell—wait!” Alex snatched the phone from his hands. The call really was going through—he quickly ended it before Matt’s mom could pick up. A wave of helpless panic hit him. “You already decided everything for me...”
“No, I’m just offering,” Matt said, clearly a little flustered. “I don’t want to force you into anything. I was just answering your question.” Then he added softly, “You don’t want this, do you?”
“I... I don’t know. I like you,” Alex felt himself blushing. God, he was really saying this out loud. “But I honestly don’t know. Are you sure this isn’t just impulsive?”
“I’m sure. I’ve actually thought about this for a while,” Matt hesitated. “Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“Well, I guess now it’s my turn to think about it.”
“Really?”
“Do you really want to date me? Like, seriously?”
“Yes, Alexander Leon Gumuchian, I would be thrilled—”
Alex shoved him playfully in the shoulder, laughing.
“Stop it, I’m being serious!”
“So am I.”
“But I still can’t give you an answer just like that. Not right now. This is about the next few months, and I just don’t know...” Not that he was completely against it, but making a decision in this state felt like madness.
“I get it.” Matt gently touched his shoulder, ran his hand down his back, and pulled him a little closer. “But I do have one more question. And I need the answer right now, otherwise it won’t matter anymore.”
“Okay... sure.”
“Can I kiss you again?” Matt leaned in a little, and heard the way Alex held his breath. He couldn’t help but remember last night. But this felt different, warmer—Alex smiled and nodded.
“Yes, Matt. Yes, you can.”