Chapter Text
Carmen Berzatto hated feeling helpless. He despised the uncertainty; the inability to conjure up a plan of action and immediate fix to a dilemma. Hated knowing that some things he couldn't fix nor make better. However, his need to watch over Syd overpowered any of these insecurities. Letting her out of his sight proved futile. He would rather die than to witness her experience the same thing he did. He would not allow her to isolate herself during this traumatizing experience. He would never forgive himself. She never deserved it.
Not like he did.
He would do anything in his power to mend the pain, even if it were only slightly. He must try.
He spent the better half of the visit on edge, his foot beginning to ache from rapidly tapping it. At one point he subconsciously began to pick at the skin on his lips—a habit that never left him from childhood. He hoped it didn’t leave any kind of blemishes as he neglected to bring ChapStick with him. He failed to comprehend how silly the thought was: his friend needed him, and he was fretting over his appearance. He truly was selfish. Sydney should’ve been here with someone else, someone who could offer her the right kind of moral support.
Sydney’s sudden emergence from the hallway knocked him out of his pit of despair. Upon first glance at her demeanor, his heart felt like it was being shattered by a wrecking ball. He didn’t miss how her hands fidget and shook slightly. How she tried to keep herself together to the point of exhaustion. He knew that appearance all too well, it was a familiar face to him. Her eyes met his like a deer in the headlights. It almost seemed like she was anticipating him to have already left. The light reflected on her brown irises, shiny with unshed tears.
Carmy began to shift his weight as he typically did when he was at a loss of what to do. His movements were awkward and apprehensive. He cursed himself, knowing he was not coming off as a safe space for his friend. He had to say something, anything, to let Syd know that she had support with him. He was reminded at how poor he was with words. Clearly, he was not meant for this job.
Sydney beat him to this first words spoken between them since she visited her dad. She cleared her throat in an effort to will herself to speak and appear composed. He wanted to let her know that it was not needed, not with him. She could be as emotional as she wished. She deserved it after everything the day has thrown at her.
“You can, um, leave. Go back to the restaurant”
Carmy was quick to shake his head at this. If he were to go back now, he wouldn’t get anything done. His mind would be too focused on Syd’s wellbeing.
“No, I’m not leaving you by yourself”
He left no room for argument. Even if silence were to fill their atmosphere for the remainder of the day, he still wanted to be there.
“I’m fine,” she blurted out, rubbing her eyes with her left hand.
“Syd…”
“I’m…”
She inhaled sharply to conceal the breakage of her voice. Carmy’s brows continued to furrow in concern and care.
“I’m—I’ll be okay”
Carmy wasn’t buying a single word. He knew well enough that she was strong—she was the strongest person he knew, but she was clearly suffering. He would not allow himself to abandon his friend in her time of need. He didn’t wish to be that person.
“I know. But I want to be here. I don’t want you to go through this by yourself”
Not like I did.
Sydney shook her head. Carmy could’ve sworn her eyes grow glossier with increasing unshed tears.
“I can’t make you do that”
“You’re not. I’m staying right here whether you like it or not”
Carmy had initially intended this declaration to be humorous, but it was only after he realized how demanding it sounded. His face flushed with regret, mentally castrating himself for how he came off. For the umpteenth time that evening, he wished Syd were in the company of someone else. At least then she would receive proper care and not have to be in the presence of someone still figuring out the bare necessities of comfort. Still, despite all the fact presented before him, he couldn’t bear for her to leave his sight.
No longer could he stand idly by and witness his friend be on the precipice of an anguishing breakdown. His hand hesitantly grazed her shoulder (as if he were terrified of breaking her) and gestured with his head to the seats the previously occupied.
“C’mon. Let’s sit down, yeah?”
Syd stared at him as if he sported three head. He understood the reaction as it were sudden. He knew he was at risk of being out of line. He just wanted to help.
“Why?”
Syd cocked her head.
“Just in case you need a break or something”
He found himself biting the inner corner of his lip as he anticipated a response from her. He wanted her to let out her feelings. He also didn’t want to push her. He didn’t want a fight. The conflict was killing him.
He nearly missed how Syd hesitantly nodded at his request. It seemed like she was giving up, her emotions finally taking a toll on her. Carmy’s hand twitched as he wanted to guide her back to the cushioned waiting room seats. Instead, he simply trudged behind, the conflict overtaking his brain.
Syd spoke after a prolonged ripple of silence, filling the once tense atmosphere with her shaky voice. She let out a chuckle to conceal how it broke with each vowel. Carmy saw right through it. He saw himself and it fractured his heart. His hand twitched but he kept it by his side, not wanting to appear too clingy. It was the main way he knew how to console someone when words failed.
“So weird,” she forced out another half-hearted chuckle, her breathing slightly shaky.
Carmy nodded, giving her permission to continue. For several beats, the only noise that hung between them were the background clamor of nurses and visitors.
“He’s like the only consistent thing in my life, you know?”
Carmy nodded once again and entertained the notion of understanding what consistency was.
“Like, my dad is just, like, always there,” Sydney continued, her voice giving away the lump that was growing in her throat.
Her breathing started to become ragged as tears now pooled down her cheeks. There were only a few, but it was enough for Carmy to want to envelop her in a tender embrace. He didn’t, not wanting to disturb any boundaries nor make her uncomfortable. Still, it was so difficult witnessing her on the verge of a breakdown and feeling helpless. He hated feeling helpless.
“Like, I know he’ll be there. Like, he’ll be home. He’ll pick up the phone. He’ll come and get me from wherever. He’ll let me live with him. Like, my shits all fucked up,” Sydney continued, her hand wiping her moist cheeks.
Carmy shook his head. He knew down to his core that it wasn’t true; she was the furthest thing from fucked up. He needed to make that fact known.
“No, that’s not true. Your shit isn’t fucked up. You’re human”
He hated how he could only generate several sentence responses. He wasn’t helping and he knew that. Sydney disagreed at this sentiment which confirmed his initial thoughts.
“No, I am,” she forced out a watery laugh, a somewhat soothing balm amidst the anguish.
“And, you know, let me forget to take out the garbage, like...He’s just there. And he’s like, always worrying about me. Come to my restaurant. He’ll say he’s proud of me, even though it’s like, obviously insane”
Carmy continued his previous encouragements and consolations, letting her know that it was okay.
It was okay.
“I just—god.”
It was the final wrecking ball that caused the barely steady castle to crumble down. The dam of pent-up emotions finally broke and she was unable to hold back the sobs that emerged. Sydney could barely finish her sentence before choking out a sob. Her mouth turned into a grimace as her eyes shut with tears rapidly pooling down her cheeks.
No longer could he bear to witness the way Syd’s shoulders shook, as if they were still trying desperately to hold back the gut-wrenching sobs. It was when he elevated his hand that he registered how much it was trembling. It was as if Syd’s feelings were being mirrored with him. If only he could completely take them from her. She didn’t deserve even a fraction of this pain.
His hand feebly rested on the center of her heaving back. He felt how her spine curved with her hunched posture, fixating on every detail. He subconsciously began to slowly rub up and down at the expanse there, feeling every bump from her spine at the pads of his fingers. The motion was comforting for himself. After all, his hands always needed to be in motion or else he felt an indescribable sensation. It was almost like he was trapped against his will. He could never pinpoint this sensation. The motion was grounding to him, and he could only hope the feeling was mutual for Syd. He still felt so novice at this consoling thing.
He shifted slightly closer and placed his free palm on her shoulder. If words were failing him, then he hoped his touch were a balm to soothe her pain. It was all he knew how to do in this moment. He was unable to halt the reassurances the spilled from his mouth.
“It’s okay, it’s okay. Just let it out. I’m here,” his soft words pooled out of him like a mantra.
“I’m just, like, a fucking mess. And he’s always worried about me. And I hate that,” Sydney continued, placing a quivering palm on her forehead as stray tears glistened her eyes.
Carmy felt like sharing her tears when she referred to herself as a mess yet again. If only he could conjure up a mirror to show her how he saw her: someone who was caring to their core and seldom awarded herself the privilege of extending that care to herself.
“No no no. That’s not true, alright? I promise”
Even while her eyes were squinting as the tears pooled down, his gaze remained on her. He wanted her to know that he meant every single word.
At one point following this interaction, Sydney bursts into an even bigger sob. She fully covers her face with both hands as the river of emotions flood her entire body. She was at the risking of drowning, her body fighting from being submerged in the treacherous waters.
Her increased heaving breaths sent Carmy into panic mode. He immediately sprang into action, wracking his brain for any kind of remedy for the agony she was in. This wasn’t like the restaurant; it wasn’t a book that he could follow and slightly tweak. It wasn’t something he mastered and memorized like the back of his palm. He didn’t have prior knowledge as the inability to help himself prevented him from extending that offer to others. He felt absolutely helpless. He hated feeling helpless.
“Breathe, Syd. Just breathe. You’re okay.”
She was okay. Her dad was okay. He was doing okay.
He began to demonstrate exaggerated breaths for her to follow. He ignored the fact that this was mainly to calm himself down as dreaded emotions slowly rose to the surface. He was helpless for the millionth time that day.
She spoke after a beat, voice still containing a hint of shakiness that caused Carmy to rub her back faster. His hand was beginning to feel numb, but he didn’t care. It was the very least of his worries.
Sydney made various efforts to verbalize more thoughts; the sobs still not being close to subsiding. On one hand, Carmy knew she needed to let it all out. He could tell it had gotten to a point of emotional exhausted and it ached him. On the other hand, he was scared she was going to make herself sick with her weeps. He felt like a broken record. He feared his comfort was nothing more than a weak band aid on a stab wound.
“I’m sorry—”
Carmy couldn’t take anymore apologies from her. He wished he could find the source of what caused her need to apologize so often, especially over things that she never needed to be sorry for.
“Take your time. You’re okay. You have no reason to apologize, alright”
Sydney just nodded in response. He squeezed her shoulder as comfortingly as he could.
“And I wish he could, like, worry about stupid shit, like, you know, like: Am I getting enough sleep, or am I putting bacon grease down the drain or whatever? Not, like, if I’m gonna survive. But like, fuck, I don’t know how I made this about myself. Whatever.”
Carmy waited ever so patiently for her, knowing that there was more to this vent. His physical comforts never ceased. He didn’t open his mouth, knowing she simply needed an outlet to vent. He would be that opening for her any day.
“But if I was a parent, I’d be worried about me too. Ya know? He’s not wrong. But it just feels so unfair. Cause I wish he could just worry about himself. And not be, like, worried that he has to be worried about me forever.”
These sentences resulted in another breakdown of sobs from his friend. He caved and used the hand on her back to tilt her closer, enveloping her in a somewhat awkward embrace. Her damp face now rested on his shoulder. His palm never ceased rubbing the center of her back. His hands were always warm, and he prayed this warmth served as a soothing balm for her aches.
“Sorry,” she sniffled, her voice muffled in his shoulder.
He fought back tears.
“Don’t be sorry”
“Like, I’m just a mess”
Her hand met her face again, appearing to Carmy like she was ashamed and embarrassed of her rightful emotions. Carmy felt sick.
“You’re not. And even if you were, it’s okay. Who wouldn’t be a mess in your shoes?”
He would be even more of a wreck in her shoes.
“Like…”
Her voice cracked once again, and his protective instinct kicked in. Protective insects he seldom knew he had.
“If my dad were to ever…”
It was a tidal wave forced onto Sydney, the ocean of distress finally crashing down onto the beach of her emotions. Her gasps felt like she was drowning and trying to emerge for air. Her head leaned onto
“There ya are, just let it out. S’okay. I gotcha”
His chest constricted with demonstrative breaths, as if he were trying to calm himself instead. His panic appeared, at least in his mind, to be elevated compared to her. He hoped it didn’t show; he knew it was her time of need. She needed comfort. Not him.
Seconds disguised as hours of silence flew by, the only ambience being their now in sync breathing. Realistically, the background ER commotion never ceased. In this moment, however, Carmy could only see Syd and himself in this waiting room. He filtered out everyone except for her.
For once, he found himself introjecting the moment of quiet, eager to empty his mind and ale her pain.
“You worrying about him shows that you care. I can see how much you care about your dad.”
Even when he never witnessed any moments between them, her words conveyed more than enough. The type of relationship between Emmanuel and her, he assumed, was one he dreamed of as a kid. The care and familial bond radiated from her.
“Hey,” he added as soon as he noted a lack of response from her.
“I mean it, okay?”
Even though his words weren’t nearly enough, he wanted her to at least catch a glimpse at his intention.
“Besides, this is a rough time for you too. You have every right to be fucked up about it”
He didn’t want to spare a though of how he would cope in her shoes. He barely coped with his brother’s death that occurred over a year ago.
The last thing he was prepared for was her reply.
“Sorry about your shirt”
This caught him off guard. His eyes darted to a spot by his shoulder that was tinted grey from her prior sobs. He wanted to laugh out loud. The very last thing on his mind was how his shirt was holding up. Besides, it was nothing more than a shirt. He had too many white shirts to count and favored none. Even if it soiled from her tears, he could simply waltz to a nearby store and buy another one for a cheap buck.
Sydney truly did care about others far more than herself. It was one of the many traits he envied about her. She was caring and selfless to her core. He wondered if she inherited it from her dad.
“S’just a shirt. A cheap one, too,” he added delicately, afraid to break her.
“Really? How much?”
She sniffled and attempted to wipe the tear stains with her hand. Despite how broken she sounded, her voice still retained a playful tint. Even during the bleakest episodes, she felt a need to mask it with humor. It never failed to endear Carmy. It was another trait he envied of her.
“Um...like--”
His shin could pretty much feel how much he mentally kicked at them. His face grew hot. He knew his cheeks were flushing by the second. Humor was another thing that was far from his strong suit. This day was testing him again and again. His eyes roamed and scanned the waiting room as they naturally did when he was on edge. He finally noticed a spot next to him which gave him an idea.
“Here.”
He extended his arm to the coffee table to the left of him, snatching two tissues. He gingerly handed them to Syd. She responded with an ever so slight smile which melted Carmy’s entire word. That smile, no matter how small, needed to be kept in a safe space and concealed forever. It made his entire day and more. He’d pay anything to see it every day.
“Thank you,” she responded, her voice still horse with leftover sadness.
He knew from experience that it would take a while for her to recuperate. He would be there every step of the way. He didn’t wish to be anywhere else.
In a stroke of genius, a light bulb nearly popped out of his head. Whenever he was at a loss when cheering someone up, this method never failed him. It was everything he lived up to. It was the sole thing he dedicated his bottom dollar to.
“Hey, Syd?”
His head unknowingly slid back from her eyes, nerves increasing tenfold. Maybe it was his crippling anxiety talking, but somehow, he found himself apprehensive to inquire about this; a question that practically defined him and Syd’s relationship. An activity that they found themselves indulging in for numerous occasions. Somehow, this time it felt different. Each passing thought of his on this day proved to be difficult to pinpoint.
Perhaps it was better this way.
He forced himself to speak now that he had his friend’s attention. He couldn’t have her thinking he were out of his mind. He needed to remain calm. She still deserved it. She always would.
“Like...dinner?”
“Yeah, why?”
He clenched his free hand. At this point, only his right arm remained on her shoulder. His left arm sat idly on his thigh, fidgeting as it constantly did. It was a habit he could never break. It helped keep his focus. It soothed his anxiety slightly. He fumbled for the right words. He could feel this situation crumbling beneath his grasp. He was shit at this through and through.
“No, no issue. I just--”
His face heated up once again as he stumbled over his words. He was his own person sauna.
“You sure you don’t need to go back to the restaurant?”
“Positive. They’ve got it all covered.”
On a typical workday, the only thing he cared about was the restaurant in question. This concern was still apart of him, however, he had more pressing matters.
All he cared about in this moment was her.
He turned toward her and smiled more than he had in weeks. He attempted to replicate hers: warm, comforting, welcoming. An absolute serenity. He learned all of this from her.
He smiled once again as his nerves slowly subsided. Soon, he was going to spend the remainder of his day with Sydney: cooking good food and seeing the beloved smile of hers. He couldn’t ask for more.
When he was taking care of someone through food, he never felt helpless.