Chapter Text
Kazui flushed the toilet but still stayed in the bathroom. These trips to the bathroom were slowly taking more and more out of him and he didn’t know how many more of these he could take. Despite this, Kazui still yearned to be with Shidou. And if he was gonna die, god damn it he was going to die memorizing everything he could of that doctor.
“Kazui? Is everything alright?”
A muffled voice asked behind the door. Speak of the devil. Kazui panicked, looking at himself in the mirror and trying to clean up best he could. He tried to wipe and wash the red off his face and bring color back to his eyes.
“Kazui?”
“Just a minute!”
Kazui called out as he finished fixing up his hair. He sighed as he looked at himself, good enough. Opening the door his eyes met with Shidous. Kazui immediately became aware of every flaw of his appearance and wanted to hide in the bathroom.
“Sorry, guess something must’ve not sat right with me.”
Kazui joked but Shidous concerned face never relaxed.
“Are you sure?”
“Very sure.”
Kazui tried his hardest to wave off Shidous concerns but it seemed like the doctor had other plans. As Kazui tried to walk away, a gloved hand came to his shoulders.
“Was what we talked about too much for you?”
Shidou asked, gently stepping on a sensitive topic. Kazui stiffened at the mention of their past conversation. Shidou was right, just not in the way he thought. Putting his hand on Shidous, Kazui gently pushed it off.
“It’s nothing important, really.”
Kazui looked back with a weak smile on his face. As he turned his back on Shidou, he couldn’t see the pained face the doctor had. Taking a deep breath, he took a step forward.
“I understand, really Kazui I do.”
Kazui stopped, knowing Shidou could only understand a fraction of what he was going through. Sure theyd both lost extremely important people in their lives, but their relationships couldn’t be any different. Shidou loved his wife in the way she did. Kazui was sure in a relationship like that there was no secrets, no shame, no lies. A man like Shidou could never.
“It’s hard, but you shouldnt go through this alone.”
Shidou kept talking, slowly walking closer to the still man.
“The thing that helped me the most when my wife passed was community and understanding.”
Kazui looked up and realized Shidou was now just a couple feet away from him. He couldn’t help how his heart skipped a beat. Sure it was just a friendly gesture but Kazui never could take off those rose colored glasses.
“I’m not trying to force you to open up, I just wish for you to know that there’s someone here who truly u nderstands.”
“Shidou-“
But before the rest of the words could leave his lips, Kazui was coughing up blood again. Shidou bolted towards him, holding the hurling man as he coughed. A pool of blood and flowers sat at Shidous feet. Well shit. Kazui tried to lift himself but Shidou had a tight grip on him and Kazuis body was too weak to fight back.
“Kazui! Stay with me, alright?”
Shidou said as he held Kazui close. Despite all the panic that filled him, Kazui couldn’t help but enjoy his embrace. His eyelids got heavier as his vision got blurry, flickering in and out of consciousness.
The last thing he heard was Shidou calling out to someone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kazui groaned as he woke up, his head thumping with a numbing pain. Slowly sitting up, Kazuis eyes adjusted to a bright room he’d never been in before. Though as he looked around he realized he was in the hospital room of the prison. There were locked glass shelves filled with medicine and curtains separating the beds.
Pushing the sheets to the side, Kazui stood up far too fast. He wobbled as he held onto the wall.
“Be gentle with yourself Kazui, there’s no need to rush.”
Shidou explained, gently shutting the door behind him. The doctor’s presence had reminded Kazui of why he was here and embarrassed filled him. God he threw up all over Shidou then passed out didn’t he? While obviously Shidou had dealt with similar stuff before, it didn’t make it any less embarrassing.
“Please sit,”
Kazui followed the doctor’s orders like a dog. Walking over, Shidou placed a tray on the table next to the bed. It was filled with various tools, some pills, water, and tea. A gloved hand gently held Kazuis face and he had to mentally fight himself to stop the blush creeping over his face. Though he couldn’t stop a little from creeping out as Shidou leaned in.
Kazui couldn’t help but admire Shidou. So sharp yet graceful. Though his fawning was interrupted as a bright light flashed in his eyes.
“So how long have you had Hanahaki?”
Straight to the point as ever. Kazui quickly adjusted to the new stimulation but struggled at Shidous question. How long had he had Hanahaki? At this point Kazui found it hard to imagine a life without it.
He thought for a moment, then he found the first memory of when he coughed up his first petal. It had been a couple months since they had been in the prison and Kazui had gotten into the habit of smoking with Mikoto and Shidou. Easy conversation flowed between the three but one day Mikoto didn’t join them. Kazui worried that the conversation would be stale and stagnant with the mysterious man, but he was pleasantly surprised.
Despite his collected exterior, Kazui was able to get a small laugh and that small sound shot Kazui right through the heart. A couple weeks later, the same thing had happened again. As Shidou left the smoke room, Kazui let out a nasty cough. He had thought it was just his smoking catching up to him but once he saw that bright red petal, he knew he was done for.
“A….a while.”
Kazui muttered as Shidou took the light away from his eyes. Going back to the tray on the table, Shidou got a popsicle stick.
“Open wide please.”
Kazui cared about his hygiene a fair amount but he couldn’t help but worry if he brushed well enough as the doctor peeked into his mouth. Shidou hummed before getting up. Kazui worried that his mouth was just that gross, but all thoughts left his head as Shidou stuck two fingers in his mouth.
Kazuis brain short circuited as gloved fingers poked and prodded at his cheeks. His body stiffened as his mind went haywire, trying to focus on everything except the fingers in his fucking mouth.
“Your cheeks are all sore…”
Shidou trailed off but Kazui barely caught it. His hands were holding onto the sheets underneath him for dear life. The heat ran to his head before Kazuis brain could start functioning properly. He was just happy it wasn’t running to another head.
“And you’re running a fever too? Oh Kazui, you’re in terrible shape.”
Shidou frowned as his fingers left Kazuis mouth, much to his dismay and relief. Shidou grabbed a thermometer and placed it on Kazuis forehead. As Kazuis brain came back to him, he tried to swat away the thermometer.
“Shidou Im really fine it’s-“
“Kazui you’re vomiting plants.”
Well he’s got a point there. The thermometer beeped, showing 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Damn, Kazui really did have a fever. Shidou put down the thermometer and took off his gloves, replacing them with new ones as he spoke.
“Irritated and sore cheeks, inflamed throat, fever, fainting and probably other symptoms I haven’t found yet.”
Shidou muttered, scribbling on a notepad as he spoke.
“Kazui, I can’t in good faith let you go. You’re going to have to stay here for a minimum of a couple days.
“Shidou it's really not-“
But before Kazui could finish, he started to hack up carnations once more. Rushing over with a bucket, Shidou held him close as flowers rained from his mouth. As Kazui took in a shuddered breath, he looked up and saw Shidou holding some tea and pills.
“For the inflammation and pain.”
Shakily, Kazui brought the pills to his mouth and swallowed with the tea. Warmness filled him as the tea flowed through his body and Shidous hand made small circles on his back. Looking up again, the doctor had a small but hopeful smile.
Kazui sighed as he took another sip of his tea, fuck how could he say no after Shidou treated him so nicely?
“Fine, I’ll stay.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kazui spent the next week in Shidous care and while yes, it took a while to swallow his pride, Kazui loved the attention Shidou gave him. Always checking up on him, ensuring he ate well and was hydrated, and making sure he got enough rest.
Yes, Kazui knew he was Shidou's patient but he'll take what he can get!
As for his condition, he was making slow progress. Stems no longer came out so there was that. It did strike Kazui as odd though, he didn’t feel as if his feelings for Shidou were going away. Though he wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Kazui listened intently as Shidou spoke, explaining a book he’d found in the prison library. A worried Shidou had cautioned that going out of the prison in his state could be a problem, so the doctor put himself in charge of bringing Kazui his food, medicine, and entertainment to his bedside table.
So minus a prisoner visiting here and there, his days were full of Shidou, not that he’d ever complain.
“All I could think of while reading this was how much you’d enjoy it.”
Shidou smiled softly as he handed the book over. It was a mystery novel with a hard blue cover, gold swirls surrounded every corner.
“I’m honored you’d think of me.”
“Well of course I’d think of my friend.”
That word stabbed Kazui through the heart, but kept it hidden with a smile. Quickly taking a sip of his tea, Kazui opened the book to the first page.
“Well now I have no choice but to read it.”
Kazui smiled as he got comfortable in his bed and started to read. Feeling the bed sink, Kazui looked to Shidou sitting on the bed with him, notebook in hand as he started drawing in it.
“You’re staying?”
Kazui asked, a little amazed at how comfortable the doctor had gotten in such a short time. Looking up, the doctor let out a nervous laugh.
“Ah, did you want some alone time? I’m sorry I’ll just-“
But before he could leave, Kazui grabbed his hand. Even he was shocked by his own boldness. Quickly pulling his hand back, he sat on it to stop it from acting on its own again.
“I don’t mind, really!”
Kazui stammered out, unable to meet Shidou in the eyes.
“Im just…worried you might get bored, just sitting with me in silence."
Kazui muttered, chuckling in hopes of hiding his embarrassment. Shidou blinked before giving a warm smile, shooting Kazui straight through the heart.
“I'd never get bored with you.”
Kazui blinked in silence before an easy smile fell on his face.
“Then stay as long as you want.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kazui let out a low groan as he did some deep stretches, staying in bed too long wasn’t good for this old body of his. Although staying here had helped his condition.
Another week had passed under Shidou's care and the flowers have once again shrunk in size, now simply being the head of the flower. Ironically enough, with all the time they’ve been spending together, Kazui's feelings only grew.
All those small moments built up on each other. From the gentle touches of checkups to deep conversations that went into the night, all weighing down on him and sinking him deeper in his feelings.
But he knew his fate, so despite how his heart grew, Kazui pushed it deeper down. Though Shidou made it harder by the day. That’s why Kazui right now was preparing for a walk, a moment to himself. He needed to regain his composure before it all went to shit. He’d been stuck in this room (and with Shidou) for too long.
As he finished his stretches, Kazui heard the door click open.
“Oh, you’re out of bed!”
Shidou exclaimed as he walked in. Kazui kept his composure as he spoke.
“Yup, planning on heading out for a walk.”
“May I join?”
“Of course.”
What happened to walking alone?! Kazui mentally cursed himself as his mouth responded before his brain could catch up. But when Shidou flashed him a grateful smile, Kazui's self annoyance quickly fizzled out.
So now here they were, walking laps across the prison in awkward silence. At least for Kazui it was. When he looked over at Shidou, he still had his content smile, though it’s not like Shidou's one to openly complain. Kazui sighed as they reached their second lap, preparing to break the silence.
“This must be pretty awkward huh?”
Kazui chuckled. Shidou looked at him slightly confused so Kazui continued.
“You know, walking next to me in silence?”
Now it was Shidou's turn to laugh.
“Haven’t I told you before that I’m not bored with you?”
“Hey, I said awkward , not bored. You brought that word up”
Kazui couldn’t hold his laugh in as Shidou rolled his eyes. It’s crazy how just a couple words were able to wave away all the tension that Kazui had imagined.
“Well I am neither bored nor do I feel awkward around you.”
Shidou said matter of factly. Kazui put his hand to his heart and gave a deep chuckle.
“My old heart can rest easy now.”
Their easy chuckles died down as Shidou looked at Kazui, eyes deeply set on him. For a moment it made him feel like he was the only thing in the world.
“I don’t think I could ever feel bored or awkward with you.”
Kazui felt his heart race at the words. His eyes went wide in awe before quickly letting out a nervous chuckle. He tried to think of what to say but with how intense Shidou's gaze was, Kazui momentarily froze up.
“So sincere.”
Kazui muttered playfully, rubbing the back of his neck in hopes of hiding the red. Shidou let out a light laugh that made Kazuis heart soar.
“I hope I never gave you the impression I was anything but.”
The thought had never crossed Kazuis mind. Kazuis feet moved on their own accord, trying to walk off the embarrassment he felt. His heart thumped in his chest when he glanced back at Shidou, only to lock eyes with him. Shidou only smiled in return yet it was enough to send Kazui into overdrive. He gave a short nod in return before facing forward.
Kazui wanted to keep talking, he really wanted to keep talking, but about what? The heavy weight on his chest made it feel impossible to talk about anything. Kazui took a deep breath as he calmed his heart. Let’s just go with the flow, Kazui's quick on his feet, he could think of a conversation topic on the fly. The hardest part was the beginning anyways.
“So Shidou,”
Kazui started, swallowing a lump in his throat. Shidou eyes locked with his again and god it doesn’t matter how many times he stares into those gorgeous silver eyes, he always loose his train of thought.
Nausea slowly climbed up Kazuis throat, he chalked it up to nerves. That was until flowers hit the floor with a nasty splat. Kazui didn’t even realize till Shidou was pulling a bucket near him and the sensation of warm blood hit Kazui's hands. But just as he got his senses back, another batch of flowers was coming out.
Shidou gently rubbed circles on Kazui's back as he spat out the rest of the flowers. He’d never get used to the taste of blood no matter how many times it was in his mouth.
“I think this was a sign. Let’s go back to the medical room.”
Shidou explained, gently wiping the blood off of Kazuis face. A pink haze came over his ears as he smiled.
“Let's.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was one of those painful restless nights. The ones where all you wanted to do was sleep but no matter what you do, it seemed to slip from your grasp.
The smoke danced around the room as Kazui blew it out. He sat against the wall of the smoker room, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. He had another nightmare about Hinako, one he really didn’t want to unpack right now.
But then again, what was there to unpack? It was a fairly common dream. He would start talking, sputtering out his pathetic truth about how he lied about it all. She’d look at him all confused and hurt, she’d have everything right to, and start yelling at him. The louder she got, the more she expressed her pain, the more their house would fall apart. The windows would shatter and walls would crack till even the sky itself split into.
At that point Kazui would wake up, a thin layer of sweat covering his face. He hadn’t had that dream as of late. Though he didn’t really mind, it served as a reminder of what he’d done. He didn’t deserve happiness, not after all he’d done to her.
Kazui leaned back, head gently thudding with the metal walls. He closed his eyes, inhaling the thick smoke before it gently flew out of his lips. The smell of smoke almost relaxed him, it had been with him when he had no one else. It heard all his deepest confessions and secrets before scattering them to the wind, never to be heard again.
“I guessed you were in here.”
Kazui jumped at the cool voice, looking up to see none other than his lovely doctor. He sat next to him on the floor, wordlessly asking for a cigarette and lighting it up. The smoke curled as Shidou blew it out.
“What's on your mind Kazui?”
Kazui sighed as he crossed his arms, unsure of what to say. He loved his bond with Shidou and he felt like he could tell him anything, but this was bond ruining. Shidou would see him for what he was if he admitted it, a selfish cowardly monster who destroyed a woman’s life all because he couldn’t be honest with himself.
“Is it about your wife?”
Shit he was good. Kazui let out a hard chuckle as he glanced over at him.
“What gave it away?”
Shidou shrugged as he took a deep breath of the cigarette.
“I was thinking about mine.”
A sharp pain shot through Kazuis chest. Of course he would. Ever the perfect man, Kazui could only dream.
“Do you still love her?”
The words fell quickly from Kazuis lips, he hoped he’d be able to outrun the sting they brought. He didn’t. Shidou blinked at the question, thinking briefly.
“I do.”
Kazui thought he had prepared himself for that answer. He hadn’t.
“But not in the usual way,”
Shidou continued which made Kazui foolishly get his hopes up.
“I love her in the way you love your childhood home, it’s a nostalgic type of love. But I’ve moved on.”
A hopeful glow found itself on Kazuis cheeks. Shidou glanced over at Kazui.
“Is that what’s been keeping you up? Worried that moving on means you’re a terrible person?”
Kazui shrugged, putting out his cigarette and crossing his arms. In a sense he was right, but he never loved his wife. Not in the way she did.
“I just…don’t feel like I deserve it. I just…”
Kazui trailed off, was he really about to do this again? Honesty had already made him loose so much. He was quickly pulled out of his thoughts when a warm hand went on his shoulder.
Looking over, Kazui swallowed a lump in his throat as he slowly felt himself crack open.
“Promise me you won’t judge me?”
Kazui croaked out, in a voice so soft even he didn’t recognize it. Shidou blinked but nodded earnestly. Kazui took a deep breath before he spoke.
“I loved Hinako, I really did, just not in the same way she did. I loved her like you loved a best friend, not a life long partner.”
Kazui remembered all those restless nights as he tried to push and persuade himself that he loved her in the ways she deserved. That the feeling in his stomach when he saw her walking down the aisle was excitement for a new chapter of life, not regret.
“One day, it had reached a boiling point and I stupidly told her what had happened. That I had felt pressured to get married and had married her knowing there was a chance I couldn’t love her in the way she deserved….”
Kazui's eyes started to water at the memory, the way Hinako's face seemed to shatter at the confession. Why was he such a coward? Why did he let his family and friends force him into this? A marriage that ended in death.
“And then….she left….”
Kazui trailed off, remembering the sick splat her body made when it hit the pavement. He couldn’t hold back anymore as the tears fell on his face, he tried to wipe them away before they fell but it didn’t matter.
“Which is why I don’t deserve to move on. I hurt her, I should’ve just kept lying.”
Kazui sobbed, his head falling in his hands. He can’t even imagine Shidou's face right now, it’s probably filled with disgust and hate. He had every right though, he was disgusting. He was disgusting and selfish and foolish and-
“Kazui…..”
Shidou trailed off, reaching over to touch Kazui. But the man jolted away from his touch like a wild animal cornered. Kazui held himself tighter, body trembling as all the memories came flooding in.
“Don’t…. please . I can’t have you hating me too.”
The weakness that took over his voice made him sick. He was pathetic.
“I don’t, truly.”
“You should.”
Kazui muttered, bringing his knees to chest. Shidou puts his hands down and instead moves closer.
“I understand why you feel that way, but I’m not going to hate you. Not when you so clearly feel guilty and want nothing more than to make amends.”
Kazui sniffled, wiping his face before Shidou handed him a handkerchief. He awkwardly took it but couldn’t look the doctor in the eyes as he did.
“We can’t change our past, but we can learn and grow.”
Shidou started, looking down at Kazui's crumpled form. He took a deep breath before he spoke.
“When I worked in the hospital, I would convince the families of brain dead patients to let them go, so we could use their organs for future patients.”
Now that caught Kazuis attention. He looked up from his knees, now staring Shidou in the eyes. The action warmed the doctors heart but only for a moment, what he was reminiscing on wasn’t anything tender.
“I always thought it was fine, that the patients were gone and that frankly, they were wasting resources.”
The more he spoke, the more Kazui uncurled. Was it wrong that what he was hearing made him feel better? He didn’t have time to think as Shidou kept speaking.
“That was, of course, until it affected me. One day it was my wife who they were trying to let go. I did everything I could to keep her around.”
Shidou explained as he grabbed another cigarette and lit it. A beat of silence passed as he blew the smoke out.
“It made me realize what I had been doing to so many other families. I forced them to let go when they probably weren’t ready.”
Kazui now sat upright, not even realizing that he had till Shidou looked him right in the eye. He put his hand on Kazui's shoulder with a gentle smile.
“All of that is to say that we all have skeletons in our closet. We’re all here because of them. All we can do now is learn and grow, never let those mistakes repeat.”
Kazui cracked under those words, crying again as he held Shidou close to his chest. The doctor was stunned for a moment but regained his composure and held Kazui tight as he sobbed.
A little voice in the back of Kazuis mind wondered when was the last time he had a space like this? Where he could cry and have no fear of judgment. Did he ever have that?
It didn’t matter though, 'cause now he did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today was the day. Kazui was going to confess. Time had past since he broke down in front of Shidou and despite his wishes to forget it, Shidou always reminded him that he was there for him no matter what.
Despite his embarrassment, Kazui opening up to Shidou gave him a bit of confidence. If that didn’t make Shidou hate him then surely a small confession wouldn’t, right?”
Kazui took a deep breath as he walked around the hospital room. He didn’t have to stay here anymore, Shidou told him his condition was good enough to resume normal life. But Kazui had spent so much time here it was weird being out for too long.
If he really thought about this it was a win win situation. If Shidou liked him back Kazui could stop holding his tongue back and express the love he had for the doctor. If he didn’t, well at least he’d get cured. He’d almost forgotten what it was like to breathe with clear lungs.
His thoughts were interrupted when said doctor came in, busy with a book in his hand. Looking up, he greeted his ex patient with a warm smile.
“Kazui, hello!”
He said as he closed his book. Kazui gave him a tight smile as he felt something come up his throat. He prayed it was just nerves because he was frankly tired of these damn petals.
“Are you alright? Don’t tell me the symptoms have gotten worse.”
“No no, in fact….they’re the best they’ve ever been.”
Kazui starts as he goes and sits in his old bed. Without a word Shidou walked over and sat right next to him. He still had that warm smile as he spoke.
“Well that’s fantastic, so what brings you here?”
Kazui took a deep breath as he looked at Shidou, elegant and level headed Shidou. The man he’s been pining over for too long. His stomach churned as he stared, digging his nails into his palms so he wouldn’t run. He wasn’t going to be a coward anymore, he wasn’t going to let his feelings sit as they ate him from the inside out.
“You…”
Was all he could croak out. Shidou blinked, his brows furrowing at Kazuis words. Well shit, no going back now.
“I want you , despite all the pain I’ve suffered, despite all the harm I’ve caused, despite everything telling me I shouldn’t, I want you. I love you.”
Kazui confessed as tears prickled at his eyes. He had stood in front of this man shaking and covered in blood, and yet moments like this and the one in the smoke room, these were where he felt most vulnerable.
The gears slowly turned in Shidous mind, piecing everything together over the last couple months. When it all clicked, he looked at Kazui with heart broken eyes.
“Oh my god, I gave you Hanahaki.”
Shidou muttered as he looked at the bed where Kazui once laid. His hands reached over towards the pillow and gently touched it.
“And you suffered while I was none the wiser…”
“But you also made me feel better.”
Kazui explained, placing his hand over Shidous and bringing it to his chest.
“You cared for me and entertained me and held me while I spilled my guts to you, literally and figuratively.”
Kazui chuckled as he tried to ease the doctor’s pain. The doctor looked a little less pained but guilt still riddled his face.
“Besides, if there’s anyone I’d like to have an unrequited crush on, it’d be you.”
Now that made Shidou smile a little. Before Kazui could ask why, Shidou's lips reached his. Kazui's eyes winded before holding Shidou's face and reciprocating. The kiss was soft and tender, the two lovers testing the waters on what the other would allow but it was sweet nonetheless. Shidou was the first to pull away, breathing lightly as he spoke.
“I’m not sure ‘unrequited’ is the right word for it.”
Shidou smiled, peppering small kisses on the other man’s lips and cheeks. Kazui couldn’t stop the giggles from coming out. He rested his arms on Shidou's waist, handling him as if he’s glass. But the moment was broken as Kazui felt something crawling up his throat again. Pushing Shidou away Kazui ran to the sink and hurled.
Shidou followed right behind, water and towels in hand as he rubbed Kazuis back. As Kazui coughed out the final flower, he took a deep breath, then another, then another.
“Holy shit…”
Kazui said, hand over chest as he took another deep breath. His eyes glowed as he looked at Shidou who was still fairly confused.
“I can breathe again! My lungs feel massive !”
Kazui laughed still breathing heavily. Shidou threw his arms over Kazui's neck and held him close as the pair laughed.
It was over, truly over.