Chapter Text
Thursday came faster than I wanted it to. I hadn't brought it up to Jamie just yet. I wanted to just see how it went first. I head through the hospital and knock on the door. It opens and she gives me a smile letting me in. "Please sit." She tells me and I shift, moving to sit. "So... what now?" I ask her.
"What do you want to talk about? You can lead whatever we talk about if you'd like." She tells me. "I don't really know what to talk about... where to start." I mutter, looking at my hands in my lap. "If you don't mind, I can make a suggestion." She says and I pick my head up nodding at her.
"How about we start... from when you were a child. I'm not supposed to share who I see, but I've heard a lot from your sister that I'd like your side of things on." She tells me. "Like what?" I ask curiously. What could Meredith be talking about?
"It took weeks for her to actually talk to me. She touched on your father leaving, and briefly on Richard. One thing she mentions a few times is when your mother tried to take her own life." She tells me. I scoff shaking my head as I look down at my lap.
What did she say about that?" I ask her. "She said that she had cut her wrists. And told her not to call for help." She tells me and I nod. "I'm sure she failed to mention everything else." I say as I look up at her.
"I had been at a friends house that night. Her mom drove me home, and was waiting for me to get safely inside the house." I tell her as flashes of that night fill my head. Yet another nightmare I'd probably have. "I opened the door, and you can see straight into the kitchen. I see my mother, bleeding out on the floor." I say pausing as my eyes sting.
"And Meredith is just sitting on the floor next to her. Just sitting there. And I screamed." I tell her as she nods, listening silently. "I could hear my friends mom yelling for me as I ran inside. Meredith just kept saying it over and over. 'She said don't call. Don't call.' But I did anyways." I tell her as I wipe my face.
"My friends mom sat with us until our dad came to get us. After the paramedics took her... we were waiting, Meredith watching some stupid movie... and all I could think of was cleaning the floor." I say as I look down again. "Can you imagine that? A six-year-old worrying about cleaning her mother's blood off the floor." I say with a small scoff, wiping my face again.
"I was scrubbing the floor so hard, my fingers had started bleeding. My dad had to pry the scrub brush out of my hands. And I just started hitting him. Screaming at him, telling him it was his fault. He left, it was him." I say softly. "But really... he was the first person I could think of to blame. Not my mom, not Richard. Him." I mumble softly.
"Why do you think you were so quick to blame him?" She asks curiously. "I knew. Why he left. I understood it, even if Meredith didn't. She was always so... naive and hidden from the truths. I knew about my mother's infidelity. But I couldn't hate her for it." I say with a small shrug. "Why not?" She asks again.
I pause for a second, already knowing the answer. "She stayed. She was there, always. My dad ran off to start a new family, and I can't be mad about that. I have my other two sisters... but she stayed." I smile softly. She nods, writing something down as I let out a long breath.
"Is there anything else you want to talk about today?" She asks and I pause. "I've been uh... having nightmares. That's the main reason I came." I tell her and she nods. "About what?" She asks, but I'm sure she knows. "All the trauma's I've had in the past year or so." I mutter.
"My car crash, getting shot, almost drowning" I list off and she nods. "Start with your car crash." She tells me. "It's not much. I got into a fight with Meredith and left when I was angry. Alex tried getting me to stay and calm down... I just didn't want to be near her." I explain shortly. "And it was a drunk driver, right?" She asks and I nod.
"Yeah. And then getting shot sucked." I mutter. "Tell me about that." She tells me. "It was during the whole Izzie Stevens drama shit. Burke was here at the hospital, and I went to find him to talk about what was happening." I start and she nods her head.
"He was outside, after we spoke, he told me to go inside. I was turning to go, when I heard tire squealing. Then.. pain." I tell her, rubbing my wound. "I was conscious enough to tell Derek what happened with Denny, then I was out." I tell her and she nods.
"And last one. When you fell into the water." She tells me. "I was with Meredith. Helping her with a patient at the Ferry Boat crash. The patient started trying to get up, flailing, and I tripped backwards and fell." I explain as she nods, listening.
"Meredith kept yelling at me to just swim. I never learned how though. Then she just... left. A little girl I had found ended up finding Derek. He jumped in and saved my life." I tell her with a small smile. "What are these nightmares of? What happens?" She asks curiously. "Really it's... the same thing that happened. But instead of being saved, I bleed out. Or I just sink lower and lower." I tell her with a frown.
"Do these wake you up?" She asks and I nod my head. "For a while I just got up alone. Would sit in the living room of the apartment crying. Drink some coffee. I could never fall back asleep." I tell her. "For a while?" She asks.
"Not long ago, people realized something was wrong. I wasn't sleeping and was drinking double the normal coffee I usually do. James found out, made me promise to wake him up too. So I did. We would sit in silence, or talk about it. And he would help me go back to sleep after." I explain and she nods.
"It's good that you have such a good support system. That's always important in any kind of healing." She tells me. I smile nodding my head. "Yeah. I got some pretty good people." I say softly. "Alright. We will meet same time and day next week. Talk through some more things in detail." She tells me and I realize I'd been in here an hour already.
I nod and get up leaving the small office. Moving through the halls, it felt like a weight slowly lifted. I spot James and walk over hugging his waist. "Hey Beauty. You okay?" He asks wrapping an arm around my shoulder. "Yeah. I'm good. I love you." I smile up at him and he smiles. "I love you too." He chuckles.
"You sure you're alright? You're usually not very PDA at work." He asks me. "Yeah. I'll explain later. Just... I'm alright." I tell him and he smiles. "Good. I'm glad." He tells me kissing my forehead. "Get to work!" Bailey calls as she passes us. I laugh softly as James chuckles.
"I should find my interns. I'll see you later." I tell him and he nods. I head off down the hall, spotting Lexie and the others. "There you are." Lexie smiles at me. "Yeah. I had something to do. Let's head down to the pit and see what's rolling in. If there's nothing they need us for, we can do something to help you learn more." I tell them.
"Another trivia game?" Nolan asks and I laugh. "We can do one if there's nothing to do, sure." I tell her. "Your trivia games are fun. And you give us actual 'prizes' that go with our work." Spalding comments and I nod. "I want you to learn, and still get something helpful out of it." I say. "Oh! The other interns were going to Joes to play darts and told us to invite you." Aiden tells me.
"Seriously? You guys wanna play darts with your boss?" I ask amused. "You're the only one. Karev too, but he said he had plans." Nolan tells me. "I'll see if I have anything going on." I tell them and they all nod.
After work, James had convinced me to take a night out. He was doing something with Derek and Mark, so I spent the night at Joes playing darts with the others. Lexie was excited to hang out, not having a lot of time lately. We had video called Molly and talked for half an hour. Before she scolded us for being so loud we woke up Laura.
When I finally went home that night, James was waiting for me with pajamas and a fuzzy blanket. "You're my favorite." I grin as I go take a quick shower and get dressed. "Favorite? Who else is there?" He asks amused. "Have you seen this guy? Look at his wittle face." I say picking up Leo. I laugh as he rubs his face into mine as James chuckles amused.
"So... I'm going to therapy." I tell him as we go lay in bed. "How was it?" He asks softly. "It was... different. In a good way. Being able to talk all of that out to someone who doesn't have a general knowledge of me or my family." I say and he nods. "Kind of like you. But you knew a lot about me before I started venting about my nightmares." I say and he laughs.
"I get it Beauty. It's different." He says and I nod. "I'm only doing it once a week. But I think it will help. And so will talking with you. I feel like talking to you, I can be less... professional in a sense. Like I know she's a shrink or whatever, but I feel like I have to stay sort of professional about it." I explain.
"You don't though. It's her job to see all the bad ugly parts of struggles. She wouldn't care if you were a sobbing mess." He reminds me. "I know. It's just how I feel." I mumble and he chuckles. "Well, how do you feel? After getting stuff off your chest?" He asks curiously. "A little lighter. Some of it was the nightmares. But a huge chunk was about something Meredith told her." I tell him.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." He tells me. "Maybe another night. For right now? I just want cuddles. Lots of cuddles." I grin and he chuckles but nods his head. "I can do that." He tells me giving me a soft kiss. "Get some sleep Beauty." He says softly. "Good night Jamie." I smile burying my face into his chest and falling asleep.