Chapter Text
Friday 1st December 2008
This morning the Stolls got their gift from me, it ended up being a little more expensive than I had been expecting but it was just too perfect for them to not get it. I didn’t have enough to buy 2 of them so they’d have to share.
In the catalogue there were bags that acted kind of like Mary Poppins’ bag, which could store things inside it bigger than the bag. It would be perfect for them whenever they went on their little raids outside the camp.
“Thanks Bones,” the Stolls thanked me later on.
Turns out Thalia isn’t the only one giving me nicknames.
Today was pretty quiet, although we did have a lot of Christmas themed foods for dinner. We even got to have winter themed cupcakes and pies for dessert. I picked out a cupcake since I don’t like pie much (unless it’s apple pie with custard). I grabbed two more to sacrifice one for Lord Hermes and one for Mom.
I wonder if I’d need to sacrifice my food to Lady Persephone when I’m her employee?
The Stoll brothers outdid themselves with their biggest prank yet, I’m not quite sure what kind of magic or tricks they used but whenever anyone sat on the benches at the dinner tables (or just moved whilst sitting on them) little fart sounds would start up. It was like the benches were just one big whoopee cushion.
I never laughed so much in my life.
Saturday 2nd November 2008
Connor and Travis were put on stables duty for their prank with the benches yesterday, they have to clean out the stalls the pegasus stay in for a week straight. I’ve had a go at it before, and it’s about as fun as doing it for normal horses. In other words not at all fun, and it was stinky work.
I tried riding the pegasi once, and refused to do it again. It was uncomfortable to ride on, and I don’t like my feet leaving the ground unless it’s under my own power and the pegasi didn't like me much either and kept trying to buck me off. Elsie and Katie loved riding them, so I would just watch them from the ground. The worry wouldn’t leave me until they were back on the ground and the riding session was over.
Katie and Elsie kept me busy whilst the Stolls were preoccupied, being around them felt weird. It was like I could talk to them but at the same time like I had to walk on eggshells around them, constantly being careful that I won’t say or do the wrong thing to upset them. It feels weird to care enough about someone that I second guess myself when I speak to them, or feel frustrated and upset when something I said made them sad.
I’m not used to caring about people.
Part of me wants to run fast and far, and get as far away as possible so I don’t get attached. I thought I learned my lesson about getting attached to people, it always ends up coming back to bite me in the ass.
I know better but I still want to be close to my allies, I like making them smile and laugh. Their protectiveness feels smothering but nice as well, like a really tight hug. It's been a long time since someone has been genuine in their protection of me, instead of using it to hide how they want to hurt or control me.
I’m scared they’re leave or reject me, like everyone else has. It’ll hurt so much when they do it. Almost as much as it hurt when Josh started to reject me.
Sunday 3rd December 2008
I want to tell Katie and Elsie that I would be leaving soon, to give them time to get used to the idea of me being gone. Mom said that when I take the employment option, I would have time off like with other jobs and I could visit my friends in Camp if I wanted to.
I think I will visit Katie and Elsie after I leave, if they’re not angry at me for leaving. I think I will miss them a lot, they’re good friends allies.
Thalia asked me to spar again after school, this time I lasted longer and I even managed to land a hit on her. She had me running around like a headless chicken to avoid her spear, shield and electricity. It was hard to concentrate on Ghosting Out and fight at the same time, she’s much scarier and tougher than the monsters in the woods. My hit on her was nothing big, just a small slice on the back of her hand from my sickle. The slice was only deep enough to bead blood, not to do any serious harm. A bandaid would be enough to treat it.
Still, progress is progress.
Katie and Elsie were happy for me, the Stoll brothers congratulated me by giving me a toilet seat decorated in little ghosts drawn in black and pink sharpie, and it said “congratulations on making Thalia bleed” around the top. They promised it was clean. I don’t know what to do with it so it’s leaning against the end of my bunk for now like some kind of ghost bathroom themed trophy.
Katie and Elsie helped me celebrate my progress by convincing the nymphs to give us hot chocolate. I joined Katie in trying hot chocolate made from white chocolate and I think I like it more than normal hot chocolate. Elsie said our taste buds were broken.
Where did the Stolls get a spare toilet seat to decorate it? When did they have the time between school, training and cleaning the stables to find and decorate it?
Monday 4th December 2008
Mr D found someone to replace himself as my therapist, a goddess named Psyche. Apparently she’s going to be the camp therapist now, I think Mr D and Chiron are concerned with just how many demigods are starting to think like me.
I overheard one of the girls from the Aphrodite cabin talking bitterly about our lack of options for the future. I guess Mr D and Chiron have heard enough demigods saying similar things to a point they can’t ignore it anymore, and this is their solution. I’m not sure it will work, the neglect has been going on for so long now that this will be like slapping a band-aid on a stab wound.
Lady Psyche is nice. I don’t know much about her or what she was the goddess of so I asked her during our session.
“I’m the goddess of the human soul and compassion,” she said with a smile. She was pretty with golden blonde hair, big brown eyes that looked like they belonged on a doe, and nice clothes. She wore a sweater dress with white wool leggings and tan boots, she looked like she could be one of those models in magazines.
“Is being the goddess of human souls why you were picked to be our therapist?” I asked, and she said yes.
She was easier to talk to than Mr D, she didn’t try to force me to talk about anything. We could just talk about ice cream and she wouldn’t complain. I told her about how weird it was that she was being so nice to me, and asked her what the catch was. There’s always a catch to these things. I’m not good at reading facial expressions but she wasn’t smiling after that, I think she was sad.
“Why do you think there has to be a catch for me to be nice?” She asked me whilst leaning back in her plush armchair and sipping her tea.
I was honest with her, since she seemed to be honest with me so far.
“Because people with a position of power over others are never nice,” I told her. “And you’re a goddess, you have power over all of us. You could do anything you want to us and there’s nothing we could do to stop you.”
Our session finished shortly after that, not because Lady Psyche was angry but because our time was up and she had other demigods to see.
She didn’t answer my question but that’s okay, I had until the winter solstice to find out what the catch was. And I will find out.
Tuesday 5th December 2008
I asked one of my teachers at school today when the winter solstice was, and she told me it was on 22nd. If I’m going to be leaving literally after the winter solstice, which would be the 23rd, I only had a couple of weeks to warn Katie and Elsie, and the Stoll brothers that I would be leaving.
Once our mind-numbingly boring school day was over I decided to tell Katie and Elsie about my plans to leave after the winter solstice, since they had been my friends allies the longest during my time at Camp it felt right to tell them first.
They didn’t take it well, Katie cried and Elsie clung tightly to me. They were both very upset I was leaving, and even when I promised to visit on my breaks it didn’t calm them down. It took me promising to spend as much time with them as I can before I go to calm them down at all. I’m not sure how much of that actually helped or if they just got too tired from being so upset to make more of a fuss.
The extra clinginess would be frustrating to deal with but if it helps them to let me go, it’ll be worth it.
Still, they promised not to tell anyone about it. I plan to tell Mr D and Chiron the day I’m leaving if Mom or Lady Persephone didn’t tell them before I do.
I still haven’t found out what the catch is with Lady Psyche but I did talk about Josh and Tammy with her, and she listened without asking a lot of questions. It felt good to complain to a pretty lady about what it was like to to live with Josh, Tammy, and Tammy’s kids. Something about a pretty lady validating my experiences and feelings was different than a guy that looked like a middle aged cherub that stank of alcohol pestering me about boys being bullies, the company was nicer at least.
“Josh makes it hard to love him,” I told her, my eyes stung a little when I talked about him but I didn’t cry like a baby like I have done before whenever I did try to talk about him and Tammy so it felt like I was making progress on moving on from them.
She asked me; “Why are you trying to love someone who abused you?”
That was a question I couldn’t answer. I knew Josh was a bad dad, anyone with working eyes could see that but it never occurred to me that he was abusive . He didn’t hit me other than occasionally spanking me, so he couldn’t be abusive.
Right?
Wednesday 6th December 2008
I don’t know why I tried so long to get Josh to love me or why it still hurts that he doesn’t love me like he loves his step-kids.
Was it because I’m a demigod and different from the other kids he knew? Was it to spite Mom for leaving me with him? Did Josh even know I was a demigod?
Annabeth told me that not all deities tell their human partners that they’re deities, because a lot of humans in this day and age don’t handle it well if they do find out.
Does that mean Josh had no idea that my Mom was a goddess? But then why did he agree to send me to Camp straight away? Was he so desperate to get rid of me that he was willing to pretend that he believed I was a demigod and that Mom was a goddess?
What’s wrong with me? I should have let him go and stopped caring, so why haven’t I?
Why can’t I let my dad go?
Thursday 7th December 2008
I told the Stoll brothers that I’ll be leaving after the winter solstice. They were unhappy but thankfully not as upset as Katie and Elsie were about the news. I think it’s because they’re not as attached to me as Katie and Elsie are, which works to my advantage here. I promised to help them in at least one more prank before I go, and they also promised not to tell anyone about this unless I give them permission.
My appointment with Psyche was pretty chilled out, to a point that being in the room with her felt almost relaxing, unlike in school or the rest of Camp. She has that aura about her, like a cool, loving aunt or mother. I did briefly wonder if that's what Tammy should have been like to me but let that idea go when the thought of that woman hugging me made me feel sick.
Her question still has me stumped. I brought it up with her in our session today so I can get some help to wrap my head around it. She’s already helped a lot by asking the very question that has me stumped, so I figured why not pick her brain a little more on this?
“You still love him, even though you hate him.” Psyche said, handing me some tissues when a couple of tears managed to appear. She was so nice and gentle, like those Moms you see in cartoons. “Sometimes you can feel more than one thing about a person, feelings are very complex like that.”
Ain’t that the truth?
It feels weird to think I might still love Josh, even when he hasn’t been a good dad to me. Why would I, and how do I stop? I’m not giving that waste of space anymore of my love.
“How do I stop loving him and let him go?” I asked her.
“You’ve already taken the first step by putting physical distance between you and him,” Psyche said, sounding like one of those mystical sages ready to depart some obscure truth about the world to whoever is listening to them. “Understanding how you feel and why, is the next step. You can’t let go of him and how you feel about him if you don’t know what you feel about him.”
It makes sense, in theory. You can’t let go of something you don’t know you’re holding onto.
I told her that I felt angry at him for not being the dad I needed, for acting like I had the plague and for just not letting me be adopted if he hated having me around so much. That I was angry that Josh dragged me to a whole new state away from the grandparents that raised me to stay with a woman that liked to play head games with me and make me look crazy for not playing along, that I was angry at Josh for not doing anything to protect me from his girlfriend and her kids, and from the bullies at school.
Psyche listened without interrupting or complaining even once, and when the session was over she said she was proud of my progress.
I’ve never had an adult be proud of me before. It feels nice.
Friday 8th December 2008
After school, the Stoll brothers joined Katie, Elsie and I ice skating on the lake. Elsie froze the water, this time it was easier to freeze since it was already very cold now according to her. Elsie had fun teaching the Stolls how to ice skate, and they distracted her a lot with their slips, falls, and fumbles.
“I’m going to miss this,” Katie told me, her eyes were red so I think she had been crying earlier today. My stomach turned at the sight of her red eyes, I think I was feeling guilty.
“Me too,” I said, and I meant it. This was a first for me. Now that I think about it, a lot of my firsts were with Katie and Elsie. My first time ice skating was with them, my first taste of white hot chocolate, my first prayers, my first time training, my first time activating my powers… so many firsts were with them.
Katie clung onto me for the rest of the afternoon since my balance on the ice was better than hers, I was happy to lead her around on the ice and help her stay upright. It felt nice to have a girl hold my arm like this, it reminded me a lot of those couples in those cheesy romance movies who skate together and hold each other on the ice.
“I think I’ll use the name Ellis from now on,” I told Katie, Elsie and the Stolls. “Ella reminds me too much of bad times and I want to let those times go, Ellis feels new.”
The Stolls were a little confused but open to the name change, Katie was happy to call me Ellis and Elsie squealed . She was very happy for me, and she said she was happy that I trusted them with this information. I think she was happy to be one of the first to know about my decision.
I’ve been sitting on this choice long enough, and I want to leave Camp as a new person when the time comes.
I told Psyche about my name change during my session with her after dinner. She also expressed her support at my decision to use a new name, and she said she’d tell Chiron and Mr D so my name would be updated on the Camp and School records.
After my therapy session, I told the Stolls that I was okay with other people knowing about my name change. They were so good at expressing information that it would be easier to let them tell people and let the gossip ring do it’s thing.
Saturday 9th December 2008
It’s almost bedtime, and now everyone at Camp knows I’m going to be called Ellis now. Some people still called me Ella on accident but they apologised when I corrected them, and corrected themselves.
Thalia came by to congratulate me on my name change but she still calls me Casper, I wonder if she’ll remember. She didn’t stay long after that, apparently she had some things to talk about with Chiron and Annabeth.
Speaking of Annabeth, she stopped by after Thalia did to give me some pamphlets on different genders and sexualities, and she congratulated me on “coming out”. I wasn’t sure what she meant so I thanked her to be polite, and then she left me alone.
I looked through the pamphlets and my head is swimming at all the different sexualities, genders and pronouns out there (and what coming out was). A couple things in the pamphlets caught my eye, mainly lesbian.
I think I like girls, and that I might not be just a girl. Lesbian fits that, and sapphic was in there as a sort of umbrella name for any woman that isn’t straight (including bisexual and pansexual women) but I know I’m only attracted to girls, so I think lesbian fits me better than sapphic.
I told Psyche about this, and we talked about it a little. She did say that if I find out later on in life that those labels don’t fit me I can change my mind or decide not to use labels at all. It did soothe my worry a little about possibly being wrong about my labels, understanding myself on this level is still very new and a little scary.
She also told me that Annabeth probably thought I was coming out as a transgender man because of my name change. Whilst it wasn’t the reason why I did change my name, I guess she was right about me being part of the LGBT community. Just not in the way she probably thought I was.
Sunday 10th December 2008
I only told what I figured out about myself with Katie and Elsie, since they’re my closest allies and one of the few people I feel comfortable talking to about this (other than Lady Psyche).
Katie and Elsie, as always, were very accepting. Katie said that she’s bisexual. Apparently I’m the only one outside the Demeter Cabin to know. I think she said it because I talked to her about being a lesbian and she didn’t want me to feel left out, I can’t think of another reason why she would do that. It did make me feel a little better to know I'm not the only one in camp that's not straight.
Katie is very pretty, she has brown hair and eyes, and tan skin, and freckles. I think whoever she dates will be very lucky, she’s smart, nice and pretty. You can’t get better than that if you ask me. Not that I think anyone would, mind you. I know nothing about romance besides what I’ve seen on TV.
Elsie said she’s bisexual too but that she likes boys a bit more than girls, and she told me that she has a crush on Travis Stoll. Apparently if you like more than one gender, you can still like one gender more than the other instead of liking them equally.
“You can do better than the Stolls, Elsie,” Katie said with a sigh.
Katie doesn’t like the Stolls because of the pranks they do to people at the Camp, sometimes I think their pranks are a bit too much as well. I felt really guilty after helping them put the fake spiders in Cabin 6’s toilets so I’ve avoided doing meaner ones like that with them, things like planting whoopee cushions are harmless so I’ve been doing that with them when I’m not busy.
Monday 11th December 2008
Annabeth and Thalia left this evening to go on a mission and they’re going to bring Percy Jackson along with them, a satyr they know called Grover apparently called for help after finding some demigods in a school filled with monsters. So they're stopping my Percy's home to pick him up and use his Mom to get a lift to this school.
I sacrificed a piece of pie into the fire for Lady Tyche, the goddess of luck, and prayed her to keep Thalia, Annabeth, Grover (the satyr) and the demigods they’re going to rescue, safe from harm. Far too many of us die, and whilst I'm scared of dying and the peace that comes with it, a lot of people are. Not to mention the pain that comes with monster fights.
They’re no different in that regard.
Hopefully the mission goes well.
I'm on my last page now, I think I need to get a new diary.