Chapter Text
Mirajane slipped her backpack over her shoulder. She was wearing a long flowy white dress, it hid her baby bump. It wasn’t noticeable, she looked bloated at most, but it wasn’t the day to take her chance. Today she was going to Magnolia.
Juvia, Erza, Lucy and her were going to visit Levy who just gave birth. Emma, her baby, was premature. Gajeel kept them updated but he told them that overall she was good, it was only a week, almost nothing. Tomorrow Emma was going home, but they were invited to come before the couple got harassed by the guild. So it was three AM and they were getting ready to leave their house. Well they would have left if it wasn’t for Erza's and Lucy’s nausea.
Mira was more than glad to finish that part of her pregnancy, she was a week away from her second trimester and she could feel it, her morning sickness stopped, she didn’t feel like napping all the time and actually was able to go for a run. Erza on the other side was on her ninth week and couldn’t seem to quit throwing up. She felt good most of the time but it was like clockwork, everyday, two to three times you’ll find her face in the toilet bowl. It wasn’t a sight you'd expect from the Titania. Lucy was the complete opposite, she felt nauseous all the goddamn time but couldn’t get it out for the life of her.
Juvia and her looked at them with pity, god did they not miss it. Juvia looked like her usual self, no rain on the horizon. She was grieving her old life, they all were, but it was not a sad change. She felt good in her pregnancy, she was glowing.She didn’t have a bump yet, she was further along than Mira but the barista still looked more pregnant.
After a long morning they got on the train before the sun even set. Their train wasn’t actually going to Magnolia, Magnolia didn’t have a hospital that dealt with premature newborn, so Emma got transferred to a town over. Levy for her part got out of the hospital fairly quickly, it only took a few days.
So they were heading to the city, all of the girls napping in their cabin. Way too early to travel but it was the only train available. They plan to crash a bit in their hotel room before the visit begins. And they’ll pass their day there meeting the baby and catching up with the parents. They actually bought a gift, just a little bunny plush. Nothing very expensive, nothing special, nothing much. Though Mira hoped that the couple would still appreciate it. They all wished to give more but they chose against it. Their income was minimum and the house was far from ready to welcome a baby, nevertheless four.
When their visit would come to an end Erza and Lucy would go back to the hotel room while Juvia and Mirajane left for Magnolia. Juvia wanted to get a few things back from where she lived with Gray. Mirajane didn't know how true that statement was but she looked like she wanted to be alone. So she didn’t press it. Neither did Lucy or Erza. Mirajane only did the move because she wanted to see her siblings.
She wouldn’t say that they are on bad terms, it would be hard for them to be angry for too long. But she couldn’t actually say that her departure was accepted with open arms. She wanted to talk, to have some time with them. To accept and realize that it’s not because she isn’t right by their side that she is less of their big sister.
That had always been her identity, “the big sister”. It’s not like she wasn’t, it’s not like she hated it, it’s not like her siblings expected too much of her. They protected her as much as she protected them. But it never felt right. “Protect your brother”, “Protect your sister”. That kept her going for such a long time. That has never been their parent’s job, it was her’s and she intended to make a hell of a good job out of it.
Yet she failed. Lisanna “died”, she hadn’t protected her enough. She brought her to this job. She chose it herself. She chose to bring her sister into such a dangerous place. Deep down Mirajane knew that she was only sixteen back then. She was a dumb teenager who underestimated an S-class mission and overestimated her strength. But she failed. Her fourteen year old baby sister should have died. It wasn’t even just Lisanna, she failed Elfman too that day. He blamed himself. He still does. He’s never going to stop, even if now that Lisanna’s here Elfman will never stop the memory from that day to run free in his head. But it wasn’t his fault. It was Mirajane, That was her job to protect them. Her’s only.
And now, she left them. At least that is what they looked to believe. Mirajane intended to sit them down tonight to have a real talk, not the emotional one they had last time. Just talking about what was going to happen next. That she was going to be a mom, that her kid was going to be the most important thing in her life but that they still matter. That she was still their sister and there to protect them. It felt weird to have to explain something like that, but she left so fast. Not even 24h after telling them, she understood the resentment of feeling left behind.
She got up from her nap when the train stopped. Juvia was the only one who was up. She looked excited and not like she just woke up. Did she sleep? Like at all? Mirajane really hoped to get the second trimester energy boost.
She lightly nudged Erza’s shoulder to wake her up. She was awake almost instantly. She had never been a heavy sleeper. Juvia on the other side was shaking Lucy’s by the shoulder as she looked out of it.
“Come on Lucy! We just arrived. You have to wake up!”
“Shut it Natsu.”
Juvia stopped right on her track. She let Lucy go and looked down as the other girl seemed to grasp a sense of what was happening. They took their backpack in silence and got out. Lucy didn’t utter a sound before they got into their hotel room.
A few weeks ago Mirajane would have found it sweet. She vouched for them to get together so damn much. Lucy being woken up in the early morning when the sun just began to shine by Natsu shenanigan seemed to be perfect. Now she felt bad. For what? Mira couldn’t really pinpoint it. Because she pushed so much for them to be together? Because in the end Natsu did something unforgivable to her friend? Because of the situation? Or because Lucy would never be woken up by Natsu ever again.
They arrived at their hotel and checked in. They booked a single bedroom with two twin beds. Cheapest they could get. They all crashed and slept for a few hours. Mira legs felt heavy, she didn’t sleep well last night. She wished she was calmer about it but the anxiety of seeing them again kept rising. It left her with a good old insomnia last night. So she let herself sleep. The last thing Mirajane needed was to be sleep-deprived on top of everything.
Next thing she knew she was standing in the town hospital nursery. She, Lucy and Erza were asking Levy how she was doing. She looked tired, who wouldn’t be with a newborn, but happy. Her smile was radiant as ever. Beside them Gajeel was putting the baby in the arms of her godmother. Mirajane rarely saw Juvia smiling this brightly. You could have thought it was her baby.
“She is beautiful.”
Juvia said, looking attentively at the child. Emma was a 5 days old baby. She had a few hair, not a lot but just enough to know that she had her father's dark hair. The tiny little girl also had her mother's big brown eyes.
Mirajane couldn’t help but to feel the sting of jealousy. She wouldn’t describe herself as the envious type but it made her wish to be in their place. A beautiful healthy baby. Her baby was too small. The kid wasn’t healthy. She might never have what the couple is experiencing now. What her friends will be experiencing.
She had already planned an appointment in a few days with her obgyn. Emily told her not to panic and that things like this happened sometime, there are more chances for her kid to be a late bloomer than to have a real life-threatening condition. Her fears did not budge.
They spent the day in the nursery chatting with Levy in Gajeel. They talk about life in general but Emma and their pregnancy were subjects that kept coming back. Mira didn’t mention the size of her baby. She kept the tone happy and joyful. I didn’t feel right to dump her concern all over the place while she was there to celebrate her friends.
So she congratulated them over and over again. She took pictures of the kid, the parents and asked questions. Levy and Gajeel seemed to be so caught up with the joy of being new parents that they couldn’t see how fake her smile was. She didn’t need a mirror to know just how bad it looked. Mirajane didn’t have much practice with her “rebellious” teenage phase to becoming a young woman who values honesty after her sister’s death. Too many people saw her kindness as a weakness, she always took the time to show them exactly how they were wrong. She didn’t have magic for such a long time, at first it made her feel weak, like her strength had died alongside her sister, but months passed and she glued herself back together. She might not have the strength to fight enemies anymore but having power is so much more than just being an S-class.
Her friends kept shooting her glances. She ignored them like you ignore the squeaking step in a staircase you know by heart. It wasn’t time to bring the mood down. So she stayed strong and did not follow the idea of screaming at them that she might not have what brought the couple so much joy. That was their day, their moments, not hers. She’ll talk about it soon enough, after her appointment. She chooses to keep the subject silent until she has more information. Why dwell onto something she might not even know was true? Her friends had tried to bring it up but she never gave a single answer. They did not ask anymore, just told her that they were here when she would be ready. Mirajane was grateful.
Their visit ended at 8pm, like was for the hospital visiting hours. Gajeel and Levy stayed. Because they were Emma’s parents they had the right to stay overnight. So the group of four girls separated into two teams of two. Erza and Lucy were going back to the hotel room while Juvia and Mira left for the train station. It would be a quick visit. Their train leaves at 9pm, they will arrive at around 10 and will be getting back to their hotel with the girls with the 12am train.
Her and Juvia were sitting on an uncomfortable bench in the train station. Most people around them had suitcases, but they did not. The girls weren’t exactly staying in Magnolia. Everything they needed was with Erza and Lucy. So they sat in silence waiting for the train. While Mirajane began to wonder how the visit to her siblings would be going, Juvia grabbed her hand. The touch was light, almost ghostly. She wouldn’t have felt it if it wasn’t for her hand being ice cold. Juvia’s touch was never warm to contrast her personality.
“We're actually going.”
Mirajane stayed silent. She did not really realize until now. It felt like ages since she left town, the guild. Now she was going back. For a few hours granted, but she was still coming back. She really should get a grip. It’s been only two weeks, not two years.
“Juvia is going to see him again.”
This time Mira couldn’t stay silent. She didn’t have the right to do so. Juvia needed support, and right now she was the only one who could give it. But what could she tell her? Mirajane knew. She debated for what felt like ages in her head but ultimately made the decision to make her offer. She just hoped that her siblings would forgive her.
“I could come with you if you want.”
Her siblings were important to her. Even if the conversation tonight won’t be fun she wanted to see them. They had always been the centre of her life, she never tried to pretend otherwise. Those were her little brother and little sister, her responsibility since forever, the people she loved more than everyone. They always were Mirajane top priority, but these days they aren't anymore. She made decisions that she would like to say was because they were old enough to have their own life but she knew that it wasn’t the truth. Lying, even to herself, was far from her strength. She wanted her own life for once, to liberate herself from this obligation that she called responsibility her whole life. That's what it really was. They weren’t her kids, she did not choose to have them, nor to have been their principal caregiver. That was her parents' job. And it’s been long since they were there to fulfill it.
That might have seemed like a measly question to Juvia, but for Mira, it meant everything she ever lived for. She chose that now Juvia was more important than her siblings. That the people she lived with were now her priority. She knew that Lisanna and Elfman would be alright, both of them were now adults and had each other, without forgetting Fairy Tail. Juvia, Erza, Lucy and Mirajane herself all didn’t have much more than each other and their unborn babies. If they didn’t have each other's back, who would?
Juvia fidgeted with her finger for a while, thinking about the offer. Her eyebrows were scrunched up and her eyes deathly fixed on her fingernails. A strand of her hair fell out of her bun who had clearly seen a lot throughout the day. That long bunch of slightly curled blue hair seemed as unruly as her feet anxiously tapping on the floor in an irregular sequence. She didn’t lift her head, which was slightly hunched to answer. Her voice was quiet, almost cracking but it held that tone that Juvia only used in battle, the one that provoked Mira to not ask questions and to not argue.
“No, that’s something she has to do alone.”
Mirajane nodded, having not to add. Juvia’s hand was still on hers. She turned her hand around so both of their palms could make contact. She squeezed the other hand as hard as she could and her friend did the same. There was nothing she could say that would make the visit easier but that contact was to show her that she will be there, always. She knew that Juvia returning the hurtful contact was her telling Mira that she felt the same. They were not alone. They all knew it, but it needed frequent reminders.
Their hands only broke contact when their train arrived. They got in a cabin without saying a word and installed themselves in the comfortable seats. Mirajane tried to make small talk but even if her answers were polite Juvia didn’t help. If this was anyone else Mira might have insisted to talk about their problems but it wasn’t a good tactic with the water mage. You’d have to be patient with Juvia, especially when it’s about Gray. She will come around at some point, when she feels it’s the right time. A direct confrontation will only drive her further away.
So Mirajane didn’t add anything else during the ride. She looked out the window as the outdoors was more and more recognizable. Juvia didn’t move her eyes from her fingernails. When the train stopped she took a deep breath. The trip wasn’t nearly long enough to prepare herself. Mirajane and her friend left still in total silence and walked into the town they left two weeks ago. After turning a few streets, Juvia stopped in her tracks.
“Juvia is going to the left.” She said, indicating the way with her index finger.
Mirajane knew the way. Gray’s house was a few streets down. He had bought it a bit after he got together with Juvia, he had asked her help to decorate it. When Mira asked about it he answered that even if they weren’t near ready to live with each other yet his apartment that he previously owned was way too small and he wasn’t exactly allowed in Fairy Hills. He bought that place so that it would be ready for them to live their life together. Back then Mirajane's heart melted, she was so happy for her friends. It was a small house, a single bathroom, two bedrooms, a kitchen and a simple living room alongside a four places kitchen table.
Without thinking more about the house where her friends could have been raising her baby she hugged her. After a soul clenching embrace they let go of each other and said goodbye with a small hand motion. They did not say anything. Every encouraging word had been said already, they had nothing to add. Well, except for what they were both thinking. Juvia was going back to the place where everything could have been perfect. The house was an impeccable family friendly house, and the man, the father, would have been great. Mirajane knew how much they both love each other, she had never seen Gray so happy with anyone, she also knew how Gray would have made a good dad. He might not think that about himself but he has never been the one to see the good in himself. Juvia was going back to get slapped in the face, getting shown what she could have but would not. Gray would not come back on the words he said, even if he wanted to he’d think that it’s “better that way” and just maybe it was.
Mirajane watched Juvia go. Her whole demeanor screamed false confidence. If there was a worse liar than Mirajane it would be Juvia, only her. When her blue haired friend disappeared in the horizon Mira turned on her heels and continued her way to her siblings knowing that her walk wasn’t any better than her friend.
Her, or should she say her siblings’s house was relatively far away from the guild. Back when they bought it the only thing that mattered was that they had enough space for the three of them and that it stayed in their laughable budget. The place was wrecked, for the first three months it was barely habitable. But they got better at magic, they could take higher paying jobs, invest in the house for it to be actually livable. Weeks after weeks this mess of a place became prettier, more comfortable. Before they knew it their house had become their home.
For it being the first place she actually bought it was quite a quick change to stop calling it her house. It must be because she knew that it would happen a day or another. She wouldn’t live there forever, that’s something Mirajane knew before she even began her “relationship” with Laxus.
She knocked on the door. The sound of her fist banging on the door was louder than she intended for it to be, it was resonating in her ears. After a few seconds her brother opened the door. Elfman looked the same, for some reason she expected him to not look the same. Mirajane expected a glint in his eyes that made him look more selfassure, responsible. Maybe even his face seemed to belong to someone older, but it did not. She felt bad seeing the same brother she left behind.
“Enter, you must be freezing.” He said putting a hand on her lower back inviting her in.
What he said wasn’t wrong. It was chilly outside to walk around with this thin sundress she put on this morning. Normally she should have put on a jacket. Mira did not feel the cold though, she has been sweating buckets the entire evening.
She did not fight the kindhearted act. Seeing her brother filled her with dread. How could she leave him again? She kicked off her shoes in the same spot she did for years as he closed the door. When he turned to face her she threw herself in his arms.
She closed her arms above his hips and buried her head in his torso. Like that, Mirajane could hear his heartbeat. It was steady, strong. He was okay, even without her. He had always been in a way. She did not know if she would be on the other side.
Elfman put his hands on his sister’s shoulders. The contact almost made her jolt away, his hands burning against her freezing skin barely covered by the small strap of her godly white dress who had nothing else to fight against the cold outdoors.
“I missed you so much.”
Strangely enough her voice did not break. Elfman though straightened himself. Mirajane couldn’t help but to believe it was because of the lack of emotion in her voice, as if she didn’t mean it. As if she did not care about him.
He pushed her away from his chest gently. He turned her around so she stood beside him and not in front. His right arm had got down on his side and his left hand slid around her neck, still touching her shoulder.
“Come on, Lisanna is waiting for us in the kitchen.”
As she walked there a single sentence kept repeating in Mira’s head. ‘They let me leave. They let me leave. They let me leave.’ Over and over again. Did they let her go because they couldn’t bring themselves to care anymore? She did. She cared. But she couldn’t help to see where her action lacked proof. She did not even ask them to come with her. What would she have done if the girls hadn't accepted to leave with her? Would she have been brave enough to go? Or brave enough to stay? No, that needed way more courage than her coward of a self had. But Mirajane had left with her siblings or alone? Not knowing the answer scared her enough to know that she would likely have made the wrong choice of leaving everything behind.
The kitchen looked the same. This time she expected it. Was everything still frozen in time because she did not matter in the grand scheme of things or because it’s only been two weeks. Lisanna was hunched over the oven getting what seemed to be cupcakes out. There were at least a dozen of them, vanilla on the left and chocolate on the right of the backing tray. She only met Mira’s eyes when she began putting off her mittens.
“Mira!”
Lisanna definitely tried to hide it, but even if she was a far better liar than her older sister, the cold underline of her voice, hidden by the fake excitement didn’t escape her. If she wasn’t sure about Elfman feeling she had no doubts about Lisanna’s stance. She was angry, bitter, sad or whatever. Mirajane couldn’t say with so little as a voice full of fake emotion and eyes way less cheerful than they usually were. The important thing was that her sister clearly had nothing positive to say to her.
“Lisanna… I missed you a lot.”
She wanted to get to the other side of the counter, she wanted to go and hug her sister who she missed so much. Her feet wouldn’t move, she was paralyzed. Mirajane didn’t know if her body’s response was because of her fear, her apprehension, her sadness or even her remorse. She couldn’t get herself to move.
Lisanna's smile crumpled on itself. She looked at the baking tray full of cupcakes longingly. Mirajane wondered what her sister thought in that instant. Was that look directed to her? Whether she wanted the answer or not Mira knew, Lisanna wouldn’t look at cupcakes like they betrayed her, these were just sweets. Mirajane thought was a human, she could, and did, betray her.
“I would have come, you know? You just had to ask. You didn’t. Not even after I found out you were leaving.”
Her eyes didn’t leave the tray, still full of emotion. She began smiling again as she talked. This time it wasn’t fake like earlier. It was a small sad smile. As if she found the situation that made her so sad laughable.
Mirajane didn’t know what to say. How could she explain to her sister that she didn’t want her to follow her. She didn’t want her to abandon her life for her. It was already hard enough to leave Fairy Tail and it was her own decision, she couldn’t live with herself if she pushed that on her siblings.
“I know you would have, I didn’t want you to.”
They looked at each other's eyes. None of them wanted to break contact first. If Mira did, Lisanna would think she was lying. Lisanna on the other hand wanted to see her sister crumble. She wanted to see any hint of regret in her eyes.
The only thing she wanted was to apologize, to ask her siblings forgiveness and to stay here, with her whole family, but she couldn’t. It was better for her kid to be away. It was better for them to be around people that would care and accept them. She won’t have that with Laxus near. Her siblings couldn’t understand, because they did not know. Sure she told them she was pregnant and wanted to raise her kid outside of Fairy Tail, but she did not tell them everything. They did not know that it was Laxus’s child. If it was a random guy's baby it would be such a bad reason to leave, an excuse even. Mirajane had to explain everything to them. If she wanted to have a good relationship with her siblings she had to be honest.
She sat down on the stool in front of her, sighing. It was time, it was time to lay everything onto the table. So she did. She told them about Laxus, about the other girls, about what others knew. She told them everything that happened since her relationship with Laxus began. Mira was surprisingly able to keep her voice calm and steady the whole time, the only time the mask slipped was when she explained that her baby was too small. Even then, she only let out a small sob, a tiny voice crack and then she took a deep breath redesociating herself from the situation. Her siblings did not interrupt her once, they let her finish until there was no secret left.
“I know that if I had asked you two would've followed me, and even if I would have loved to have you with me every step of the way it wouldn’t have been fair of me to ask you two to leave everything for me. You both have your own life here with Fairy Tail, with your family. Elfman you deserve to propose to Evergreen and live your life with her. Lisanna you were about to take over the bar, I couldn’t ask you to refuse that opportunity.”
Elfman didn’t answer. He had closed his eyes as if evaluating what he should think about the situation. Both of his elbows on the counter, hands embracing each other’s, his forehead leaning on his fists. He had an expression on his face that Mirajane couldn’t read. After all those years she thought she knew her brother like the back of her hand. She guessed it was a mistake on her part.
Lisanna looked way less pensive than their brother. She didn’t try to hide her anger like she did earlier. Her eyes were burning with fury. Fortunately for Mira it wasn’t the type of anger that Lisanna carried into battle, she was hurt and she wanted her sister to know.
“Okay-” Elfman began before Lisanna cut him off.
“What do you mean"okay "?! She left us!”
Mirajane’s sister turned her sight from their brother to face her.
“Do you have any idea how much I missed you? I thought I would never see you again. I grieved for siblings who I knew were still alive somewhere, I even grieved the opportunity of seeing you two again because I thought it was for the best. I was so happy to see you again Mira. So happy to live with you again. And now you leave. I don’t even get an invite, just “you’ll figure it out alone”. I am your sister!”
So that’s where it all began. The anger. Mirajane couldn’t stop blaming herself. Of course it’s much more than what it seemed. Lisanna was standing in front of her, hands gripping the counter to steady herself. Mirajane stood up from the stool she had sat on for what felt like hours. Her legs were unvarying when she walked. They didn’t waggle away like she expected them to. When she got in front of her sister she embraced her sweetly in her arms, like she did when they were kids, like she did after she came back to her. The embrace wasn’t reciprocated, Lisanna’s arm stood blatantly on her sides.
“I want to live for myself. I wish that for you too. Stop thinking about the others all the time and do what you want. I didn’t ask you because I knew it wouldn’t have made you happy. I didn’t ask you because I know that deep down Fairy Tail, this one, not the one in Edolas is your home. You have been deprived of it for way too long. Live how you want to, Lisanna. Screw it if our life plans don’t align! You are and will always be my sister. You will always have your place with me. I just don’t think you want it. At least not full time. Keeping you happy is more important than to keep you in arms reach.”
Her sister's arms gripped her shoulders as she began to sob. Mira didn’t talk. She holds her youngest sibling until they crumple onto the floor. It’s only when Elfman joined the hug that she knew. All would be okay. She could cry now. Cry for the siblings she would leave without in a few minutes. Cry for the life she was letting behind. Cry for how grown they were now. Cry for her baby that might be sick. Cry for every unpleasant thought that kept creeping in her mind.
It was going to be all right.
—-
Juvia stood in front of the door not knowing what to do. In and out, it was just a quick trip. She just had to get it.
When she first entered the orphanage she didn’t have much to her name. Most of the things she possessed at the time were gifts from her caregiver or had gotten stolen not long after her arrival. The only thing she actually kept was a silver necklace she had for as long as she could remember. It was a cheap thing, rusted beyond repair. It was more of a copper colour than a silver one. Yet she wore it for her entire life inside her clothes, away from the praying eyes ready to steal the last thing she owned.
That old necklace doesn’t have much value. None to be honest. Even emotionally, she couldn’t remember where she got it from. She’d like to think that her mother or father had given it to her but Juvia knew that she more likely found it on the side of the road. It was more of a symbol for her. They did not take everything, her life was still hers.
So when the chain broke a few weeks back she hadn’t made a big deal out of it. She put it somewhere safe and told herself she’ll go see the jeweller to ask if he can do something. Juvia couldn’t believe she forgot it during the chaos of her departure. She was unrevoquably stupid, because now she had to go back to the home she shared with Gray. If she did not she had nothing left. They took everything away. In a way it wasn’t really terrifying, she trusted Gray with her life. Juvia believed that, in a way, she always would, no matter what, but that meant trusting him with her child life. That she did not, and it overpowered any feelings of longing she felt for Gray.
She knocked on the door before she let herself run away.
The man who appeared in front of her was one she knew too well. His hair was as unruly as ever after the event of the day. She used to tell him to put more attention in his hair in the evening because it would be easier in the morning. She just wanted him to brush them, at least. He always argued that his hair is a morning problem. She learned to love this nest that he called hair, it gave him a charm in its own way.
On the corner of his mouth there was toothpaste that he must not have seen. He was only in his boxers, of course, but with his slippers on. Those ugly purple slippers that he wore everywhere around the house who, for some reason, are the only thing he has never accidentally stripped off. As much as Juvia hated the look of them she admired the magic device.
His eyes were opened wide. If he tried to act nonchalant he failed miserably. The look he gave with the jaw slightly opened was cartoon worthy. The toothpaste only accentuates the look. It’s not like they get the visitors at this hour. On a normal night she would have been getting ready to bed with Gray. The surprise was more than deserved, Juvia especially must have been the least person he expected on his front porch.
“Juvia?”
She could only sense surprise in his tone. She couldn’t hear anything else. If he felt any emotion beyond that she couldn’t tell. Anger? Sadness? Remorse? Pride? She expected something, anything. She was met with a stone cold greeting. Good. If he kept it neutral she definitely could too. If they kept it transactional she would not cry and make a fool of herself. Juvia would keep the last bit of dignity she got.
“Juvia forgot something. She won’t be long, she just has to fetch it.”
She was proud of how steady her voice was. No squeaking, no cracks, no sob, not even a glimpse of anger. Professional, neutral. Maybe this trip won’t be a big deal after all. In and out. In and out.
Gray didn’t answer, she could see the discomfort in his eyes and realized that she wasn’t exactly invited. It was late and this wasn’t her place anymore. That was Gray’s home and she pulled up at night like everything was normal. She hasn’t called, she hasn’t sent a text. It’s not like she didn’t have his number, she hadn’t blocked him. He hadn’t either for the matter. She should have at least told him about her coming by.
“Sorry. Juvia should have called, but she won’t be coming back anytime soon. Can she just go and get it? She won’t be a bother any longer, Juvia promises.”
Never. Even if she goes back to Magnolia she would never come back to this house. She might be the one that physically left but Gray is the one that exits himself from their life. He was one of the rare people that understood how entirely alone she felt, he is the one that showed her real friendship, love. He knows the feeling, he knows what it’s like to be left alone and after showing her the way he just abandoned her. She has never been akin to forgive betrayals like that, but he pushed it too far. She had no intention of letting him know her love for him. Never again.
He signed and opened the door wider.
“Take what you need.”
She didn’t wait and walked past him. She knew exactly where the necklace was, it wouldn’t be long. A few minutes and she’d be gone, they could finally return back to trying to forget each other. She walked directly to the spare bedroom that they used more as an office. She tried not to think that it would have been the baby’s room, how they would have repainted it together, she would have watched him build the crib, they would have passed endless sleepless nights in there together. Surprisingly enough it was fairly easy, she was way too annoyed at him following her to think about the baby. He just had to make it all more difficult, did he?
When he bought the house the past owners had installed a safe in the wardrobe of this room. It was… vintage to say the least. It didn’t even work with magic. Just a simple code made with a few numbers. Juvia has only seen this type of thing in movies before. Obviously it wasn’t the place where they put their valuables. Juvia and her Gray were high rated mages, they had far more secure places in their house. Though Gray had taken the habit of putting some stuff in it. Nothing precious or important, just things he wanted to know the exact place. He had done that before she even moved in, the habit had not stuck. Until she broke the chain of her necklace. She put it in there, she knew exactly where it was and it was easier to take back than in any of their magic safes.
She wasn’t surprised when Gray told her to stop what she was doing. She had crouched down on her knees and began entering the code, their anniversary.
“Juvia stop!”
It didn’t stop her. Not even when he grabbed her shoulder to turn her around. She knew what was in the safe. She knew what he didn’t want her to see. He froze in place when she opened the small metal box. Everything was as she left it last time. Some coupons of a good restaurant where they went on a few dates, his pile of half-finished missions reports, a few extra bucks that he kept in there “just in case”, her rusty necklace and a small jewelry box in which she knew had an engagement ring in it.
She took the broken piece of jewelry and slipped it into a little pouch she brought with her. She put the small bag into her jacket pocket and took a deep breath. She got what she wanted, she just had to leave. She didn’t know where Gray was, she couldn’t feel his hot breath on her shoulder anymore. She really didn’t want to meet his eyes. Juvia hoped he left the room.
She silently closed and locked the safe. She counted to three in her head. After three seconds she would leave this place for good. She would leave with her head up no matter what. One. She stood up from the floor. Two. She straightened her clothes as if they were full of dust. Three. She closed her eyes and exhaled as silently as she could. Then she turned on her heels.
Gray was sitting on a chair right in front of her. He looked calm, the expression didn’t align with the voice he had earlier. The only time he had used a tone like that was in battle. When she was about to make a mistake, when she put herself in danger. Juvia didn’t, she knew the risk, she knew how to win. Gray on the other side was none-the-wiser. She had the upper hand. If there was something she had, that was it.
Juvia took a better look at his face while they stood there, well sat in Gray’s case, in silence. His features had been past the surprise look. Acceptance she’d say. As if there was nothing he could do anymore. As if he did not know that: a word from him and she’d be back in a heartbeat. Like he did not know just how in love with him she was. He just had to accept it. Love the kid that would share his DNA. Juvia knew that he wasn’t going to do that. She loved the guy but that didn’t mean he wasn’t an asshole she hoped to hate one day. It would all be so much easier if she could not love him.
“So you know.”
His voice was neutral but full of underlying insertitude. They were playing a game of cat and mouse, but they were trying to catch each other without themselves getting caught. Who will show the other how they feel about it? Juvia knew one thing. It wouldn’t be her. Under her dead body.
“Yes.”
“How long?”
The tension could have been cut with a knife. It wasn’t going to be pleasant. She could lie, it would be easier than the truth. She wouldn’t have to face that if he just asked a week before everything they would have been planning a wedding. She chooses against it. If she told the truth she wouldn’t feel as bad. He didn’t ask, he left, he was the bad guy. Not her. He gave her nothing to feel bad for except for herself and her baby who one day will have to know the truth. ‘You’re father didn’t want you.’ Juvia knew well how those words could break someone.
“About six or seven weeks.”
“And you still left?”
She could not see a crack over the mask he had on. Juvia had known from the start that masks were something that Gray was good at. Maybe even more than magic. She too was familiar with them, a long time ago. She never wore them, the rain that followed her just showed how miserable she was. Why hide it? It was literally rolling onto her. People used to wear them around her, liars. After a few betrayals by people who pretended to be her friends she knew exactly how to see the cracks. Hiding them just came as natural knowledge after. She was using all of this knowledge in this instance. HER leaving HIM. Must have hit his head somewhere.
“It is not exactly how Juvia remembers it.”
Her voice kept resonating in her head and she could bet that it was in his too. ‘GRAY FULLBUSTER!If you go through this door we are done!Do you hear Juvia!There won’t be any turning back.’ If she was honest, yes. She could have turned back on her decision. A few minutes ago she would have. Now she is done. He wanted to pin everything on her. As if it took only one person to make a baby. As if at that point she even had a choice. Fine. It was over. Love or not. No wedding, no house, co-parenting if he wanted, but she knew he wouldn’t. Juvia knew that she did things, pathetic things, in order to be loved. She didn’t want to be that way anymore. If she had to stand her ground about their breakup so be it. She won’t be that rain woman anymore. That life is over for good.
They just looked at each other in silence trying to see the layers behind the masks. She saw nothing unfortunately, she really wanted to win this none-official game. She knew he saw nothing either though, now the indifference plastered on her face was the truth. The well-constructed mask had fallen and he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. She had never been neutral about him, that was too new for him to notice. She guessed they would have to settle for a draw.
“Juvia got everything. She would be leaving now. Thank you for your consideration, she is really grateful to be invited in at this hour.”
She turned around and began walking towards the exit. She stopped in her tracks at the doorframe. She didn’t want to stop but Gray had talked and his voice had put her off guard. The mask has fallen. His voice cracked but his tone was sweet, hopeful and relatively happy. But she could feel the wave of sorrow in it. She felt as if she could drown in it.
“You are a good mother.”
It annoyed her more than anything. He put it as a remark, not a compliment. Like he expected her not to be. Did he think she was just gonna fall right back onto his arms after she saw the ring? No. Even he is not that delusional. He said that she already was a good mom. She isn’t. Her baby is not here yet. Sure she’s taking care of them but she’s not a mom yet. Is she? It didn’t matter. She began to walk towards the exit again. Not wanting to meet his eyes, the tears she was sure were spilling out of them. She did not care anymore. She cared about the game that she just won. She had caught the mouse.
“It’s a shame that Juvia can’t say the same.”
It really was a shame. That baby deserved a father, not just a sperm donor. He isn’t becoming a dad much less a good one, yet he should have.
On that she left. She hadn’t felt this great since she put this necklace in the safe. Since she began to have suspicions of her pregnancy. Back when she still didn’t believe it, back where she wouldn’t have considered it a good news. Now she just wanted to celebrate. She finally felt as if her life was hers again.
—
Lucy was having a quiet conversation with Erza in the hallway as they were getting to their room. She was worried about Mirajane and Juvia but she tried to keep a positive attitude. They choose to go to Magnolia for a few hours. If they needed closure it was something they should do in their own way. Lucy herself tried not to think too much about everything. She didn’t really know what to make of it.
Sure Fairy Tail has been her home for only two years but since her mom died she felt as if she lost everything. She had never been close with her father, but after her mom passed he completely disappeared. Both physically and mentally. He changed, he wasn’t a kind man anymore. It saddened her to think that she got the man she knew as a little girl for such a small amount of time before his death. She knew her father for longer than her dad.
Then it was Michelle, which, granted, was completely her fault. She was overtaken by so much grief that she forgot about her sister. Lucy just hoped she could make the best of her memories. She hasn’t forgotten the doll, it was coming with her and she couldn’t wait to see her child grow up with Michelle.
Then she ran away. Even if she missed dearly the domestics she left behind it was the best decision she ever made. That led her to contract with her spirits, it led her to Fairy Tail. She remembered what a family was, but this time it wasn’t like the first time she ran away. Two years ago she had no one. Sure the domestics were there for her and cared but they were still her father’s employees. Now it was an actual family that was staying behind.
So she tried to keep her mind off the subject. She knew Fairy Tail and its people for two years, Mirajane and Erza had grown up there, the guild was their family for over a decade. Even Juvia, Fairy Tail were the first real family she ever had. Lucy didn’t feel as if she had something to complain about. Two years wasn’t a long time, she hadn’t known those people for a long time. She can’t trick herself to think that one day she’ll forget the years in her guild, but she can tell herself that it’ll get easier one day. Like her mom. She might begin to write a few letters to the guild, Lucy would never send them but maybe writing will help. It always did so why would it stop now?
It’s not like she was leaving everything behind either. Those years gave her people that she will never leave, her spirits. Those she gained during her adventures that seemed endless were coming with her. Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries, Gemini, Scorpio, Capricorn and Loke weren’t leaving. Loke. She had called each and every one of her spirits since she made the choice to leave except for him. They knew what was happening, and she couldn’t face him. She couldn’t look at him without the mark on her hand knowing that he has one on his back.
Lucy walked listening to Erza talk about the interview she had in the beginning of the week. It went well, Erza believed that she would get it. Then she stopped mid sentence. Lucy looked at her confused. Seeing her face she understood immediately. Erza’s skin had turned into a greenish shade and her eys were dull. She was definitely about to puke.
“We should hurry up.”
Lucy had learned Erza’s habits in the few days they lived together. When her morning sickness hits her face completely changes and most of the time a few minutes later she is vomiting. Then after she finished she felt great, until the next wave hit. Lucy hates the person who chooses to call it “morning sickness”, it is not only in the morning. She herself dealt with it, a lot. She does not throw up, but she feels nauseous the whole day. She tries to ignore it because she doesn’t exactly have another option. It sucked.
“Yeah we should.”
They hurried up and quickly got to the end of the hallway where their room was located. Lucy opened the door and Erza hurried past her to the bathroom. She closed the door and followed her. With no surprise she was throwing up in their toilet. Lucy took a deep breath trying to shut down her nausea and sat beside her. She holds her friend's long fiery red hair. They sat here for a few minutes, until Erza stopped puking.
“Thanks”
“No problem.”
They both sat in silence on the cold floor of their hotel room’s bathroom. The silence wasn’t awkward. They just enjoyed each other’s company. Lucy lost herself in her thoughts again. Fairy Tail, her dad, her mom, her spirit and Natsu of course.
She tried to keep him out of her mind as much as possible, except hurting herself thinking about him didn’t do much. So she had refused to give him a single thought since she arrived home, but for some reason this bathroom seemed to make the memories resurface. At first it was the good memories, the adventure they went on before they began dating, her love declaration that was interrupted by a kiss, their light bickering that she missed, the dates they went on where Natsu tried to look distinguished but miserably failed, and so many other moments. Lucy remembered things that happened years ago, little attention that she should have forgotten about. Then reality came crashing down. Their fight came back to her mind. She could remember every single word they said, they came extremely slowly and she felt as if she could relieve the whole argument. Lucy thought about each sentence as if there was another meaning to them, trying to figure out how her relationship could have ended that way. It was Erza who saved her from herself.
“You know Lucy, when I first learned that I was pregnant I already knew that if I was going through with it I’ll be alone. I could hope, but I knew Jellal. He is way too stubborn and has way too much self-loathing to actually step up.”
She was talking quietly with a sad smile on her face. It almost looked as if she was talking to herself. Lucy didn’t answer, she let Erza talk.
“Then I used to be so angry with myself for falling for him, for not moving on even after everything he’s done. I asked myself why I had to fall for someone who hates himself so much. I thought that'd be so much easier if I had fallen for someone who would have stayed. I thought of Natsu. I really believe that he would have stayed. I’m sorry I took him for granted Lucy, you deserved someone so much better and I didn’t give you that person.”
It didn’t surprise her. She knew that Erza had taken responsibility of Natsu. She was his big sister. She showed him the way for many years, she showed him until she left. Sure she had calmed down as he grew up, he needed her less, but Erza still took responsibility for Natsu’s mistakes each and every single time. Lucy stopped counting how many times Titania said ‘I should have stopped him’ talking about Natsu a long time ago. Lucy knew all that, she knew that her friend blamed herself from the beginning. It didn’t mean that it was right.
“It’s not your fault. Natsu is old enough to make that decision himself. He learned a long time ago that actions have consequences. If he chooses to forget about it, it is no one’s problem. Don’t blame yourself Erza, that’s not a reaction that anyone could have expected and not something that you could have stopped. That’s how he feels."
Her voice didn’t flatter. It stayed clear and strong. Lucy knew why, those weren’t words she was just throwing around for fun, she believed them wholeheartedly. Erza should never have to blame herself for the actions of the man she treated like a brother
“But it doesn’t make it okay.” She said longingly.
Lucy’s friend wasn’t looking at her anymore. She looked at the roof over their head. Lucy couldn’t tell if it was accidental or if she was trying to avoid her gaze. She pulled her knees to her chest and put her chin over them. She answered in à voice she hadn’t used since she was a little girl. She felt childish, scared, frustrated and most importantly alone. It comforted her to know that at least one of those statements wasn't true.
“I know. It’s not fair.”
They both stayed in silence, sitting on the bathroom floor. Lucy didn’t want to think anymore, so she counted the 47 tiles of the bathroom floor over and over again. It kept her mind Dom going anywhere other than the numbers. It wasn’t her usual technique, usually she writes. So when her legs began to ache from staying in the same position for far too long she chose to move. She left the bathroom to go put on some pajamas and continue her book as Erza takes a shower.
Her objective was to publish her next book before her baby arrives, if she is lucky the amount would be enough to support her friend and herself for a little while. So she wrote for most of her days. If she wasn’t at her desk frantically updating her storyboard she was taking naps.
She put on the pair of sweatpants and a tank top she brought and installed herself on the small desk of the room. She really did intend to write, but after what seemed to be like a second her head was face laid on her papers. Her left cheek was laid on her story board where she just wrote. She hoped that she didn’t smudge the fresh ink. Damn pregnancy. Why did she have to be this tired all the time?
Half asleep she heard the faint noise of the door opening. She recognized Erza’s chuckle. Lucy would recognize it everywhere. Her body was limp, her breathing was shallow and she didn’t know what was happening exactly. What she knew was that she felt hands were still cold and a bit wet from the shower her friend just took. She felt those hands grab her and lift her up until she was brought to a much more comfortable surface than a chair and a desk. It was smooth and she could lay down. Lucy completely feel asleep almost immediately.