Chapter Text
Ichika heard about it in school,
the next day she begged her mom to not go, if she stays in bed forever, maybe tomorrow won't come, and then she can just pretend it was all a bad dream.
But the world isn't that kind is it?, after a week of skipping school, her parents forced her to go, because they think that, and I quote "the world can't stop for you", now she was walking to class, her eyes not leaving the ground, she didn't even want to think about having to just, act normal as if nothing happened, as everyone was there, as if it isn't her fault.
"hehe, we should go to that new bakery, they make the best apple pies"
Ichika immediately looked up, was that.. Honami?, just laughing and talking, like nothing was wrong, like it's just another school day, honami was the easiest to cry in the group, how is she just.. okay now..?, does she just, not care about saki, Ichika was confused when she was told to not talk to honami in school, but she just thought honami was getting bullied or something, did she just.. 'no no, honami cares, she's probably just trying to not bring the mood down, she's definitely more sad than she let's on'
After a few heavy steps, ichika had finally managed to get into class, sitting on her desk waiting for the bell to ring so she could have a few seconds of not having to think about it anymore, but she didn't deserve, that did she?, it's her fault, saki didn't die naturally, it was suicide, Ichika killed her, if only she bothered to take the damn train every few days, or texted her more, or even kept the stupid group together for her, if only she put more effort, visited more, texted more, gifted more, worried more, and more and more and more, this wouldn't have happened, saki wouldn't have to feel the way she did, saki wouldn't have done what she did
The sound of the bell echoed into ichikas thoughts, cutting them off, her classmates quickly filled the room, followed by the teacher, Ichika actively avoided paying attention, she didn't deserve a distraction, saki wouldn't want to be forgotten, would she now?, Ichika stared at her classmates empty faces for a while, searching for any sign of melancholy, despair, even uncertainty, just anything she can relate to, but at some point the teacher told her to pay attention.
When the bell finally rang, a lot of students quickly escaped the dreadful classroom, Ichika was hesitant, she wasn't sure what she should do now, then she just sighed and walked to the halls, not sure where her next destination will be, for now, she'll just walk.
that was until she spotted a familiar face, the gray haired girl saki used to put makeup on, the girl saki always gave her food to, the girl saki always talked about, the girl saki always asked for help, the girl who's now indifferent for sakis disappearance, a Stanger would think she looks a little upset, but ichika knew her, she knew her better than anyone, that's just how she always looked like, even now, even after this.
"shiho!"
Ichika yelled, without really thinking, but shiho didn't hear, no, she just pretended not to, Ichika knew she heard her, she just ignored her like she always does, she wanted to follow, to grab her friends hand and tell her to feel something, tell her to care half as much as she did, but for some reason, Ichika walked the other way, to the restrooms.
She sat on the nearest toilet seat, before she even knew it tears were streaming down her face, she didn't bother to stop them, deep down, she was glad, there's at least someone who still remembers her, someone who cares enough to shed a tear for her absence.
Ichika wasn't sure how long she's been here, maybe this is many classes later, maybe it's been five minutes, a lot of students came in and got out, maybe one of them even looking for her, but she was planning on staying the whole day here, then she wouldn't have to talk to anyone, she'd just be alone with her thoughts, though that's what will kill her someday, that doesn't matter now.
"you know how terrible the cleaning quality is here"
Ichika recognized that voice instantly, that's her dear childhood friends voice, what was she doing here?, she didn't hear the sound of a stall's door being opened, but she didn't hear a lot of things so that wasn't surprising.
"ah, well don't jump off the rooftop after this"
Ichika's stomach dropped, not by the comment of the other girl, but by honami's reaction, she laughed, she just laughed, she didn't even bother to stop herself, she just let the girl say something like that, and then they laughed about it, was she wrong about who honami is?, did she change, does she simply not care, honami just decided to be a terrible person and ichika supposed to accept that, Ichika is supposed to accept honami laughing at something like that?, laughing at her friend?, that's it?.
When ichika finally heard the sound of the door close, she immediately started throwing up, nothing other than water came out since she didn't deserve to eat.
After God knows how long, Ichika got up from the toilet seat and walked out the bathroom, she didn't know where to find honami, but she knew where she'd find someone else, she was always there, as ichika walked upstairs, the feelings of being betrayed quickly turned into pure anger, she wasn't sure if she could even call those people friends, this is what saki would've wanted
She knew she'd get ignored, it wasn't anything new, Ichika looked down on the girls indifferent face, so blank, as if it's just another Monday.
"why are you like this."
"eh? what do you mean?"
"You know what I'm talking about, do you even care about saki"
".. What are you talking about?"
"stop acting dumb!, you know damn well what I'm talking about, you're all so.. Indifferent, like your friend didn't just fucking die a week ago, you're just making jokes and stupid comments like it's something insignificant, as if she didn't even matter"
even though ichika tried to stop them, tears rolled down her cheeks, she couldn't stop crying couldn't she, her voice too was cracking every other sentence, but she has to do this, saki would've wanted this
"... Maybe I don't."
"w-what..?"
"maybe I don't care about her, what's wrong with that?, are you mad at me because I'm not making a huge deal over spilled milk like you are?."
Ichika couldn't even respond, she didn't know what to say, what to think, the silence was stabbing her even harder than shiho's words, the fact shiho wasn't even bothered to look away from her bass to say this, the fact this wasn't followed up by "haha I'm joking", this isn't a prank, this is just her reality now, she just wanted to run away and cry in her room, forever and ever, until she's dead too.
"..what would you do if I killed myself tomorrow."
"I'd move on, and simply forget about you."