Chapter Text
You end up sleeping surprisingly well and wake up early wanting to do something with the day.
Going through your morning routine, (straightening the bed and making yourself a snail and cheese omelet) you find yourself thinking distractedly about the conversation you had last night. Flustered, you end up sitting yourself down and scribbling out a list of goals for the day.
- Research counseling and check insurance plan. (Possibly make a well visit to ask questions in person)
- Go grocery shopping.
- Look up what a skipe is.
You hesitate over the last one. Perhaps you should not contact the young man again. He was very nice, but somehow you feel like anyone you were to ask advice on the subject would be horrified that you are even entertaining the thought. And he might have just been being polite in his offer of further communication, or at least regret it in the morning. Surely he has better things to do than entertain a lonely old lady. Is it too early to message him the day after? You have never made any online friends before, though you are aware that they are fairly common. Surely you will mess this up without knowing the proper protocol.
You will think about this more once you have flour.
You end up fretting all through getting groceries and come back home with four bags of sugar that you do not need, but somehow manage to be comforting in their own charming paper bag way. Well, if you are going to worry about it this much, you might as well get it over with regardless of the outcome.
With determination in your soul you pull out your ancient laptop, snuggle into your reading chair, and create two separate tabs. One of which you log into your group health account. On the other you google search ‘skipe’.
The first result is 'Skype | Free calls to family and friends’ and you click it, relieved that it does actually sound like the kind of thing you were expecting. The website has a backdrop of people smiling, the kind of large smiles often used in advertisements and stock photos. The only other thing on the page seems to be a button labeled ‘Download Skype’. Praying that it will not give you a virus you double click it, selecting ‘Run’ when the popup comes up.
As it downloads you try to find your plan summary on the group health site. You are honestly not sure if these things are intentionally confusing or if you are just oblivious in some way. Huffing in frustration, you click back to ‘Skype’ which has downloaded by now and begin making an account.
You think about making some version of your name your username, but remembering the conversation last night and recalling a pun that resulted in most of your class groaning at you you end up with the name ‘Gastropundya’.
It tries to make you take a contact picture, and after considering for a moment you look around until you find a stuffed goat that Asriel was fond of. You have the computer take a picture of its face instead of yours.
Once the Skype window is up you go to search and put in 'sanskeleton64', figure out that you were trying to search through your non existent contacts, fix it, and click on the username that matches. The name ‘Sans Femur’ is paired to it. You wonder if that is actually his name?
You think about adding your own message when adding him as a friend, instead of the standard contact one, but find that it’s hard enough to press the button and quickly navigate away and back to the group health page. You believe you are sweating through your shirt, oh dear.
After a few minutes a small notification sound draws your attention back to the chat program.
sanskeleton64: sup
sanskeleton64: new phone who this
You feel your armpits dampen more, how should you respond? ‘I am just the woman who called you on the sex line that you work at last night?’
Gastropundya: Um.
Gastropundya: Old lady!
You’re very glad for your computer’s large keys.
sanskeleton64: old lady who
You find yourself chuckling nervously to yourself as he falls into your trap.
Gastropundya: Oh! I didn’t know you could yodel!
sanskeleton64: oh man
sanskeleton64: that was gold
sanskeleton64: . . .
sanskeleton64: knock knock
He’s joking back! You can feel excitement pooling in your stomach
Gastropundia: Who is there!
sanskeleton64: dishes
Gastropundya: Oh my. Dishes who?
sanskeleton64: dishes a very bad joke
You double over and wheeze, that one is wonderful!
sanskeleton64: uh, lady you still there?
Gastropundya: My apologies but I believe I require your assistance. How do I express amusement through a text based medium?
sanskeleton64: you ask good questions lady, don’t worry i got you
sanskeleton64: type lol but in all caps, for bonus points press the little smiley face under your text box and add some laughing emojis
You do as he says and select appropriate looking little yellow faces.
Gastropundya: LOL XD XD XD
Gastropundya: Does LOL stand for something or is it just an internet word of amusement?
sanskeleton64: lots of lesbians
Gastropundya: Oh my!
sanskeleton64: nah, it’s ‘laughing out loud’, i mean, not to make assumptions that you did
Gastropundya: I assure you, if anyone else was in the house they would have found me quite a disturbance.
Gastropundya: Telling someone you are laughing out loud like that is strangely endearing, maybe I should spend more time in the internet.
Sanskeleton64: heheh, maybe. so i’m assuming you’re the lady from last night?
Gastropundya: Oh my! I did not even need to tell you who I was, my secret identity has been revealed! :O
Sanskeleton64: i gotta tell you it took some clever sleuthing but
Sanskeleton64: yeah i’ve talked to you once and you’re still the only one i know with as bad a sans of humor as me
Gastropundya: Oh, do not worry about the quality. You are young, with age you will come to learn that puns are in fact the highest form of humor!
Sanskeleton64: oh my god, lady. you’re adorable. and absolutely right i’ll have to tell my bro this drop of wisdom right away.
Gastropundya: !!!
Gastropundya: Forgive me if I’m prying, but you have a brother? Is his voice as strangely deep as yours.
Sanskeleton64: don’t worry lady, asking about my bro is like, the best way to fast-track your way into the friend zone.
Sanskeleton64: i’m like a proud grandparent, if i bothered to get a wallet i’d have pictures of him in it to show off to the other geezers.
That is, quite frankly adorable. You are finding yourself brimming with affection over this very nice man who gives strangers sincere mental health advice and loves his brother.
Gastropundya: The friend zone may be what I’m aiming for, but now I must know about this brother you are so proud of simply because that level of pride must be over someone who is quite lovely.
Sanskeleton64: he really is, oh man. i mean he’s ridiculous too, you know he thinks junior jumble is harder than crossword?
Sanskeleton64: ok that’s kind of a silly example to give, but he only thinks that because he gets bored trying to solve the crossword and he ends up filling them all up with z’s.
Gastropundya: Oh my goodness! I imagine that would make them quite hard to complete after the fact.
Sanskeleton64: oh nah, he, does them in pencil i just erase it if i wanna do them.
Gastropundya: I find this strangely adorable.
Sanskeleton64: you wanna talk adorable, ok my bro’s thirteenth birthday right, he’s ridiculously excited and he has me get him, sunglasses and two basket balls?
Sanskeleton64: and im like, so ok, kid’s tall. someone probably told him he should be a, cool basketball player or something? +shades for extra coolness.
Sanskeleton64: but no. we bring the goods home, and he asks me to help him completely ruin these poor basketballs. Just, has me stab them so they pop. then he takes some scissors out. i’m sitting there watching him in all my confused but supportive glory, and he’s cutting arm holes.
Sanskeleton64: he’s wearing the basketballs.
Sanskeleton64: this is the coolest teen on the block with his beautiful basketbal sleeves.
Gastropundya: OH MY GOSH! :D :D
Sanskeleton64: it was glorious, i helped him get them to fit alright and he glued them to a shirt then wrote ‘cool teen’ on it. he still has that thing.
Gastropundya: I was correct, your brother sounds like a lovely young man! He must take after his brother.
Sanskeleton64: heh. nah. he’s his own cool teen.
Sanskeleton64: oh man i kinda rambled there for a bit, uh. oops.
Sanskeleton64: knock knock,
Gastropundya: You are not rambling! Please brighten this old lady’s day with adorable stories about your brother! ]:) :) :D
Gastropundya: !!! Who is there!
Gastropundya: Oh my I did not mean to give that smile face horns, it is cute though, just look at it. ]:)
Sanskeleton64: atch.
Sanskeleton64: it’s adorable, it looks like your little goat icon.
Gastropundya: Atch who!
Sanskeleton64: bless you lady, want a tissue.
Gastropundya: HAH! ]:DDDD
Gastropundya: Oh I’ve got one! When is a piece of wood like a king?
Sanskeleton64: tell me.
Gastropundya: When it’s a ruler!!!
Sanskeleton64: oh my god that’s brilliant.
Sanskeleton64: you know some people think everyone sees color differently?
Sanskeleton64: would that make color just a pigment of our imagination.
Gastropundya: !!!!!!!!!! :O
Gastropundya: Maybe it would, hue hue hue. ]:D
You and the young man from the sex line exchange jokes for a while. You find yourself laughing hard enough that you have to retrieve a dish towel to dab at your eyes.
When you remember that you were supposed to be trying to look over your insurance plan coverage you huff and navigate back to the Group Health page. Squinting at it, you make the rational decision to give up and ask questions at a wellness visit appointment.
Gastropundya: I have completely failed to figure out how to check my insurance plan, do you think my regular physician will mind answering the questions of a silly old lady?
Sanskeleton64: if they do mind you need a new doc.
Sanskeleton64: bring an apple just in case.
Gastropundya: Oh my, do those really keep the doctor away, because I have tons.
Sanskeleton64: you know i should probably see the doc soon too, yesterday i accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
Sanskeleton64: i mean they’ll probably say i’m fine but i kinda feel like i’ve dyed a little inside.
---
You make your appointment for next Wednesday and spend the rest of your weekend trying not to think about it, stress baking, and sharing jokes with sansskeleton64.
You are becoming increasingly fond of the sex line man despite knowing very little about him other than what one of his jobs is, and the fact that he loves silly jokes almost as much as he loves his brother.
When Monday comes around you pack up your class plans and head to school, only to almost immediately run into Catty. You promptly remember that she was the one to give you the number. Flushing you try to cover up your embarrassment with a warm hello and good morning. She looks somewhat concerned, but lets it go.
Unfortunately you can barely look her in the face all through first period. Which is terribly unprofessional of you and you must reassure her that she has not actually done anything wrong during lunch break. But . . . dear lord she gave you the number to a sex line. You are old enough to be her mother and she apparently thought that was an appropriate thing to do!
Is it actually? Is this normal behavior for young people nowadays? It probably is, isn’t it. You are terribly behind in the times and have most likely been missing many new social protocols that call for sexual advice or slipping someone the number to an adult phone line.
Maybe you are overthinking things.
Distracting yourself from such distressing thoughts is easy enough with twenty fourth graders all with their own needs and accommodations trying not to be terribly bored with ecology. You’ve pretty much forgotten what you were worried about by the second slap fight. By the time lunch actually rolls around you’re making worksheets on your school computer's excel spreadsheet, you’ve almost forgotten about Catty until she comes into the classroom and leans on your desk.
“What’s the haps girl? Need anything copied for next period?”
You smile gently, “No thank you dear, I think I have everything prepared as long as you are willing to help rangle everyone in from the playground in a bit.” She winks and nods, you find yourself vividly recalling what you were so embarrassed about this morning, your face flushes.
“Whoa girl, you’ve got a wicked blush going there.” She wiggles her eyebrows, “Hope you’re not falling for me. I love you Tor-tor, but I’m a monogamous woman, unless you’re a hot robot.”
You groan and place your face in your hands, glad that they’re big enough to completely cover your face. “Ah, no. I was merely reflecting on an, experience. Somewhat in relation to the number you gave me last week.”
Now she’s looks a little embarrassed, at least you aren't the only one. “OOooohh, heyy how’d that go?” She’s lowered her voice, but you are still fairly sure this is an inappropriate topic for school, at least none of the children are around.
“I’m afraid I may be, fairly dense dear. I did not fully grasp what it was, until -” You plop your head on your table. “Until I called it, before then I was under the impression you were giving the number to some sort of advice line. At least the young man who picked up was understanding.”
A snort is all the warning you have before Catty is giggling hard enough that tears to form at the corners of her eyes. “LIKE, OOOOHHH MY GOD???!!”
You softy bonk your head into your desk but you’re smiling. “Well. At least I made a friend.”