Chapter Text
Communal Showers With Besties
Sunday, 10:40 am
Arch.sexual: cooking together is not romantic, move out of my fucking way
Either: real, but if you have a person who is just sitting on the kitchen counter and yapping w you while you make food it’s kinda nice
Alcoholic god: one person cooks while the other person drinks alcohol nearby. it’s literally a perfect system
Loo-mean: poor xiao
Alcoholic god: HEY
Eyepatch chuunibyo: no bc you’re just projecting your alcoholism onto domestic scenarios
Alcoholic god: and? it works??
Cat in a hat: imagine standing there stirring soup while your partner is just double-fisting wine glasses. inspiring.
Man titties and exhibitionist: nah nah nah you guys are missing the best combo. one person cooks, one person taste-tests, third person hypes everyone up.
Either: why is there a third person in your kitchen itto
Man titties and exhibitionist: idk maybe it’s a party. maybe it’s me.
Ghostbuster: bro just wants an excuse to yell “CHEF! CHEF! CHEF!” while someone’s making ramen
Shitpoems:
flames kiss iron pans
voices rise, clash like thunder—
yet noodles still burn.
Lowly scribe: translation: none of you can cook properly.
Arch.sexual: ok mr. protein shake and boiled egg.
Lowly scribe: and yet i live longer than your entire bloodline will.
Tarts made from dishwash and children: cooking together sounds fun until someone says “let’s make homemade pasta” and suddenly your night turns into unpaid manual labor.
Eyepatch chuunibyo: lmfao tell me that wasn’t lumine
Loo-mean: …i like fresh pasta. sue me.
Classist: considering your track record, i’m shocked you didn’t attempt a seven-course meal on a tuesday night.
Bad hair day every day: nah bc lumine’s idea of dinner is setting off the smoke alarm 5 times and then saying “ok but it’s rustic”
Either: STOP CALLING ME POOR XIAO WHAT ABOUT ME????
Eyepatch chuunibyo: bro you ate a chocolate wrapper. case closed.
That bird from Rio?: correction. poor everyone who has to eat your “cooking.”
Either: bruh.
Broke god who invented money: perhaps it would’ve been best I kept to myself, yet I will say—sharing food is meaningful. it’s the effort that counts.
Alcoholic god: thank you zhongli. finally. a man of taste.
Ghostbuster: bro you don’t even taste, you just drink.
Alcoholic god: fermented grapes ARE a taste.
ilovemyshrooms: i cannot believe i am hearing this discussion while people are still willingly consuming burnt food in this group.
Cyyes to me: “burnt food” is generous.
Tarts made from dishwash and children: oh shut up mr. raw meat diet.
Cyyes to me: at least i am ALIVE after it.
Man titties and exhibitionist: …barely.
Cat in a hat: can we circle back to the idea of sitting on the counter and yapping? bc that’s the most romantic thing anyone’s said in here in months.
Eyepatch chuunibyo: counter-yappers deserve prison.
Arch.sexual: you’re just mad no one wants to yap at you.
Eyepatch chuunibyo: and i’m GLAD.
Ghostbuster: i’m putting kaeya on the counter next time i cook.
Eyepatch chuunibyo: over my dead body.
Ghostbuster: don’t tempt me.
Shitpoems:
steel blade, onion tears
a kitchen becomes a war—
romance dies in smoke.
Either: nah. still cute tho.
Shitpoems:
HEY
is the cry of a crow
who lost its bottle of wine
That bird from Rio?: shut up haiku boy
Either: why a crow
Man titties and exhibitionist: why not a crow
Eyepatch chuunibyo: no but he’s right, venti’s sole skill in a kitchen is getting in the way
Tarts made from dishwash and children: nah don’t forget “finishing half the bottle before dinner’s ready”
Broke god who invented money: a flawless record of consumption, zero contribution
Alcoholic god: wow okay slander hour???
Man titties and exhibitionist: nah bro we love you, you’re like… the little garnish of chaos in the recipe of life
Tarts made from dishwash and children: how is he getting so articulate lately. Is noone going to question this.
Ghostbuster: poetic. also useless
Man titties and exhibitionist: i’ve been taking my granny’s class’s!
Shitpoems: …class’s?
Eyepatch chuunibyo: aren’t those like for 5th graders or something
Man titties and exhibitionist: yea!
Tarts made from dishwash and children: okay…!
Ghostbuster: somehow that makes it even more terrifying
Arch.sexual: i respect the hustle
Lowly scribe: i regret existing among you
Loo-mean: poor xiao… cooking is supposed to be relaxing and he gets stuck with you guys
Either: it’s okay i’ll cook for him one day, real food not just tofu
ilovemyshrooms: no offense but if you feed him what you usually eat i’m calling it negligence
Either: ???? what do you mean
Lowly scribe: you once ate instant ramen powder raw and said it “tasted fine”
Arch.sexual: culinary war crimes, honestly
Cat in a hat: i’d watch a cooking show with aether tho. “today we’re boiling water. step one: panic”
Eyepatch chuunibyo: step two: call lumine to fix it
Loo-mean: and step three: she bullies him for life
Either: i’m not rising to this.
Classist: dignified choice. unlike the rest of you.
Ghostbuster: bro you say that like you don’t make thoma cook for you daily
Bs thomas: i do it willingly 😌
Classist: see? loyalty.
Either: nah that’s stockholm syndrome
Tarts made from dishwash and children: nah that’s husband material
Eyepatch chuunibyo: nah that’s tragic
That bird from Rio?: nah that’s boring, moving on
Gordon Ramsey but nice: jail. all of you.
Ghostbuster: oh shit she’s here
ilovemyshrooms: law enforcement has arrived
Arch.sexual: culinary enforcement, more like
Cat in a hat: wait is this the part where she throws a frying pan at us
Eyepatch chuunibyo: fitting punishment tbh
Loo-mean: hi xiangling :)
Gordon Ramsey but nice: don’t “hi” me, lumine. i heard about the chocolate wrapper incident.
Either: STOP BRINGING THAT UP
Gordon Ramsey but nice: you people need supervision. if food safety was a nation, you’d all be on its most wanted list.
Man titties and exhibitionist: what about me tho i’m innocent
Gordon Ramsey but nice: you tried to grill a steak with a vision.
Man titties and exhibitionist: okay but it worked.
Gordon Ramsey but nice: barely.
Either: WDYM??? His vision is fucking geo??????What???????
Broke god who invented money: perhaps it would have been best I kept to myself.
Alcoholic god: i’m starting to think i’m the most responsible one here
Gordon Ramsey but nice: you once fermented apples in a boot and called it “fine wine”
Alcoholic god: ok you didn’t have to bring up my private business like that
Lowly scribe: private business? you bragged about it in the plaza
Tarts made from dishwash and children: “bootleg wine” but literally
Ghostbuster: omg
Shitpoems: the heel carried the flavor notes of despair
That bird from Rio?: i’m logging off