Chapter Text
– So what? –
Was he talking about those games? Is there something else he could do and Junho is warning him about that?
– I think you know exactly what I'm talking about, you're not stupid. –
In-ho knelt on the ground and rested his forehead on his hands, then looked at Junho for a moment and sighed.
– Give me 3 reasons why I shouldn't try it, it might help me, and it's not something difficult, and I say this as a person who's bad at ddakji. –
– You don't need a name or surname to play something this simple, which should make you suspicious. –
– I was surprised, but I didn't think about it for too long, it's not some secret information no one knows. –
– Then go ahead and tell some random person you found on the street, hmm? You've already told some weirdos, what's stopping you? –
Junho looked quite mad and concentrated now. As if he really wanted to protect Inho from stupid ideas, as if he could spend all day telling Inho not to do this, that no risk was worth it, that he wasn't worth ₩100,000.
– In-ho I- I just don't want you to go there. Even though we spent most of the time arguing about something today or talking about these games,it was...nice... –
Nice?
Why does he think and feel that it was nice? Is he lying?
Even In-ho knew that this wasn't the best meeting or topic, so why would Junho find it cool and pleasant?
That's because it was his dream to meet you, even when you acted like an idiot and a ghost.
Something snapped him out—
Jun-ho patted him lightly on the head and looked at him slightly irritated, then when he saw that Inho was finally back, he leaned his head against the wall of the shop and closed his eyes.
– In-ho! Fuck... I don't know what you were thinking that I had to call you four times, but as long as it was something smart like—
– If you want me to remember this day as "a nice day spent with my brother" then stop talking about this shit. –
Jun-ho's the type of person who doesn't get angry, or at least doesn't show it too much, but right now... Junho looked like something In-ho had probably never seen before. He looked like he'd just forgotten the part of himself that showed and concealed emotions. He looked like he wanted to force Inho to change his mind, even if it meant force.
– Okay, we can. Pretend like you don't know deep down that this is a bad decision and let's not talk about anything. –
Oh god.. That didn't come out the way he wanted. He didn't want Junho to think he wasn't listening, he didn't want it to sound like that, no...
No matter what Jun-ho says, he won't change his mind, but maybe she'll believe him if he says he won't go there- No, no, no. Inho can't lie to him...not after he's already a bad brother, lie to him now? ..
– Sorry... but I don't feel like it's a bad idea to try this, it might be a really—
- In-ho, I don't want to—
In-ho looked towards Junho when he heard him stop talking halfway.
Jun-ho knelt on the ground and his facial expression changed to one of greater loss and helplessness.
When he looked at him, he saw a tear running down his cheek.
As soon as he saw it, he knelt in front of him, placing his hand on his shoulder and trying not to think too much about how much he could have hurt Junho just a moment ago.
– When I said that, I didn't mean that I didn't feel good that you want to protect me. –
His brother still didn't look at him; he looked like he was processing so much information and emotions that his head was about to explode. In-ho isn't the ideal person to comfort someone, so this situation was stressful for him, not only because he didn't know what to do but also because he didn't want to see him like this.
– You know what? I'd like to know more about this shit too, but I won't until I meet them, right? –
This made Jun-ho look at him. He seemed slightly surprised by the answer, even if it was the kind of answer you'd expect from In-ho. When he looked at him, he had a slight, forced, and worried smile on his face, but there was something deeper, a little strange, in his eyes.
– Do you think that if you go there you will talk to them like a friend? Do you think what they meant by games was talking? –
– I'm not talking about what will happen when I play with them, I'm saying that I'll get information from them before that! –
– You can't call them, you don't know anything about them, and yet you act like everything you told them is fine. Do you think this is something as simple as games? –
– I said that before I'll play with them I will find out everything I need, so please let's not talk about it anymore and get up. –
– Ah, you think getting information is so easy, whoa. –
– I didn't say it would be easy, but I said I would do it, and please believe me. –
– Yes, I believe you... But I still feel that it is not safe, and it is certainly not smart. –
After that, In-ho sighed, stood up, and walked a few steps away from Jun-ho.
When he noticed that Jun-ho wasn't getting up, he turned towards him and waved his hand at him with a slightly irritated expression on his face.
– Do you expect me to drag you across the street? Or will you stand up and use your legs? –
Jun-ho lifted his head to look at him and squinted against the sun .
– Okay , damn .Someone has no patience. –
– You better drink some water because you've forgotten that being nice exists. –
– Where are you even planning to go? And should I go with you? –
– No, it's probably nothing to do with you. But since you asked, I'll visit her in the hospital, you told me to do it when I'll be feeling good. –
– Oh, that's right. In that case I should get back to work. –
– Wow, are you really going back to work today? You were crying here a moment ago and looked like you couldn't focus on one thing because of how many things you wanted to think about. –
– I have nothing else to do, so yes, I'm going back to work because I like it , im not like you. –
– Yeah, maybe you're not. But anyone normal would choose rest over job . –
– Then im not normal. But I won't change my mind . –
After that, In-ho gave him a small smile and, adjusting his shirt, slowly walked back to Jun-ho. Without turning to him, he said.
– Have a nice day at work my employee of the year . –
He only heard Jun-ho laugh in response and could only imagine what he did, but knowing Jun-ho, he probably shook his head slightly and smiled. After that, he only heard Junho walking towards the police station.
When they had finally both gone so far away that they could neither hear each other's footsteps nor feel each other's presence, they both felt a quiet and slightly painful emptiness, as if they had lost a part of themselves during what seemed strange to both of them.
In-ho spent his days alone, drank soju alone, and also sat drunk at home alone, but now he wanted to see Jun-ho again, so much-
But he also had another person he wanted to visit now, his wife. They want to see Junho, of course, but Junho doesn't need his help, his closeness, he doesn't need this, maybe .
This whole day should have been titled thoughts, he had so many of them, what to do?, is this wrong?, what should I do and say?
As he slowly headed towards the hospital, he was most concerned about whether to tell her about his bad decision...or even if he didn't feel it and didn't change his mind, about the "terrible" decision. Should he pretend like nothing happened,
That-no, it's nothing dangerous, Junho was just overreacting...like most times.
Even when Jun-ho was so desperate and also a little damaged when he tried to convince him, as if he tried to do everything, even if he did it only with words. But In-ho... no, he couldn't convince himself that something so innocent and something that could be so effective could have such terrible consequences. At least it shouldn't, right?
Throughout the entire journey he tried to breathe slowly in the fresh air, feel the light wind enveloping his body and noise of the city surrounding him, but all his thoughts were louder, they tormented him and reminded him of everything he didn't want to think about right now.
When he got to the hospital, he stood for a moment, breathing deeply, trying to clear his mind so he wouldn't say something he'd regret.
He was always a little nervous before going in, because even though being close to her, supporting her even if he didn't know how, everything nice that could happen there, it all sometimes got interrupted, stifled by their classic "arguments." But In-ho didn't feel like arguing today, he just wanted to be close, to tell her he'd met Jun-ho, that it made him feel so good.
He slowly stepped inside immediately overwhelmed by the bright lights and the fast and precise atmosphere that was there . His expression still hadn't changed since meeting Jun-ho, he was still thinking about all this, but he knew he had to change it, put on a rather artificial but for someone-helpful smile.
As he walked towards her room, slightly unsure, he practiced his expression to look natural, because if it didn't come out natural, it would be worse than how depressed and lost he looked from all of this.
No matter how much he wanted to convince her again, he didn't want to argue, he just wanted to have a good time and not show how he really felt because it wasn't something he should be doing. When he told Jun-ho how he felt, he felt like he was telling Junho to solve it all, like he'd suddenly appeared with all this and pushed these problems on Jun-ho. He didn't want her to feel that way.
When he arrived, he took a deep breath and clenched his fist to knock, but he clenched his fist so hard that he didn't want to just knock, he wanted some distraction from whatever might happen.
He knocked twice and immediately when he heard her nice and warm voice he relaxed a little.
– Come in. –
– You don't even know who was behind the door and you so willingly agreed to let me in? –
– Hmm, I just guessed it. If it weren't you, it would be a nurse, so there's nothing to worry about. –
– Okay, but next time ask, no one here checks who enters the rooms, when they see that someone "knows" where to go, they simply think that they know someone here. –
All he got in response was a brief nod and her sweet smile. After looking at her for a moment, he sat down in the chair next to her bed. Since he didn't want to sit in awkward silence any longer, he decided to break the silence.
– I..met Jun-ho today . –
– Oh? This surprised me, why so suddenly? –
– He called me and... he sounded like he really needed it, so I agreed. –
– You know In-ho.. he always needed it but I think you agreed because you needed it too. –
– I wasn't planning on admitting this, but it's... it's a very deep truth. –
Fuck, In-ho wanted to avoid an awkward silence, but his answer had just led to it, he felt like he was slowly underestimating someone in his affairs once again, but he decided to add something.
– I came here as soon as I could so that I could...spend more time with you. –
– It's quite early, you'll have plenty of time for that, thank you. –
When he heard those words, he turned to her with a gentle expression. He may have made many bad decisions, but he certainly doesn't regret this one.
– You shouldn't thank me for something like that, it's a pleasure, not an obligation. –
– But you still cut your meeting with Junho short to come to visit me, that's really sweet. –
– You're making me sound like someone who doesn't care if you say that as if something like visiting you earlier was something out of the ordinary. –
– Just be thankful for it and don't think too much, no matter what I'm grateful anyway. –
In-ho nodded and thought about what else to say, what to say and how to say it so it wouldn't be too much? so it wouldn't hurt? so he wouldn't tire someone into his shit again?
Maybe it's best to say nothing, spend this time perfectly and pleasantly, not worrying about his decisions and the thoughts that try to defeat and destroy him from the inside?
He knew that if I wanted the conversation to continue, he would have to be the one to start it, after all, living and being in a hospital is nothing interesting, and he certainly didn't want to ask about anything related to whether she had changed any decisions, it would have no sense and no meaning.
That silence...that silence again, which he allowed to stretch out like infinity, but what was he supposed to say? There was nothing wise or normal left.
As this moment dragged on unbearably, In-ho decided to do something.
It may have been a stupid decision, but knowing what could happen today, it seemed quite wise.
During the long moment they sat in silence and peace, his wife fell asleep so as not to wake her up, which made it difficult for his plan to get up as quietly as possible, trying not to make any sound.
Before he left and left the room, he looked at her for a moment with a slight smile.
Nothing will happen to him today, why does he feel this way? Jun-ho and his theories have messed with his head.
Even though he didn't believe in Jun-ho's theories, going out now, breaking away from it, was somehow strange.
After some time, he left the room with difficulty, focusing only on the 'goal' he now had.
In-ho didn't usually come here so early, and the noise here at such an early hour was much louder than in the afternoons and evenings.
So how come the room was as peaceful as a dream?
In-ho, still slightly hesitant about his plan, approached the reception desk.
– Could I have an envelope-or just a piece of paper and something to write? –
– Uh, I think I can give you that. –
It seemed like something so simple was happening, but it all still made In-ho's heart beat a little faster.
– Thank you. –
He didn't have to wait very long, but somehow everything seemed to move slower.
Everything except his thoughts and heart.
– Here you go sir. –
In-ho knew he might change his mind if he didn't do it quickly, so all he did was bow slightly and quickly started writing.
Hey, you probably just woke up and you got such a surprise, right?
Don't worry too much about it, what I did was probably another stupid thing, but you're probably used to it by now.
Don't wonder why I gave it to you, I know it's not much but I want you to feel safer and I want to feel safer with this awareness.
I'm sorry I didn't spend more time with you today, I promise that next time I'll make sure that it will be even nicer and longer.
Just take care of yourself, no matter how strange this letter sounds, I don't know why I'm writing it too.
~In-ho
When he finished writing, he handed back the pen.
After a final moment of thought, he pulled out his wallet.
He took out his credit card from his wallet with an obviously meager amount of money, who would have expected that.
Reaching for the letter again, he folded it in half so that the letter was inside and put the credit card inside.
– Could you give this to the person in room 132? My wife is there and I don't want to wake her up. –
The receptionist looked a little surprised. It was a bit odd that he hadn't put it in her room for her to see when she woke up, but he'd have preferred someone give it to her.
Just in case something were to happen, if something happened while her emotions were running high.
In-ho wanted to make sure his stupid decision wouldn't have a negative impact on his wife. Someone so important in his life and also someone so damn stubborn...
The receptionist didn't ask any questions, she just nodded slowly and took the 'gift' from him for his wife.
This room, this building, held so much emotion that Inho immediately ran out of the hospital, his whole body feeling strange. It wasn't a panic attack, but he felt his stomach tighten and he felt dizzy.
It wasn't soju, the effects of it disappeared long time ago, so did it all hit him that hard?
No matter what it was now, trying not to attract too much attention, he found a quiet place near the hospital where he could take painkillers again.
He had plenty of pills, but the water bottle was almost empty. Well, it wasn't so bad as to try to swallow the pill anyway. Even if something happens, there is a hospital nearby.
And even if it's difficult to swallow it, it doesn't matter. Maybe he'd even like it to hurt a little? To remind him that he's still here and not just a useless doll controlled by some sadist who's a little too bored.
When he took the pill out of the package, he immediately put it in his mouth and nervously and hastily opened the bottle of water.
Even though his mind should have rested a bit after he left the hospital, with each passing moment it seemed to him that it was getting worse, or maybe it was just a stupid illusion?
It was strange because he felt a slight sense of satisfaction when, while swallowing the pill, he felt a rather intense pain for a moment, which quickly disappeared.
It was strange that he would think something like that, but every time he thought about that feeling he wanted to take another pill and-
No, no, no! Fuck In-ho no!
It was hard because these thoughts kept following him, as if trying to suffocate him with their presence. So, to make sure he didn't get high on the pills, he crushed them, along with the packaging, and threw them in the trash.
Now he had absolutely nothing left to do. He could either wander around the city like a ghost among the people with real lives, or lie around the house and do nothing.
There was still a long time until these mysterious games as it wasn't even 10 am yet.
When the pills started working In-ho could move freely, without having to pretend that everything was fine, he still would look like he was a patient from a hospital. A mental hospital.
His plan was to just sit at home for the rest of the day, but when he remembered the beginning of the day when he was talking on the phone with Jun-ho And sitting in this cozy and breezy park, he thought he could spend some time there, too. Or maybe the entire rest of the day, waiting for the most interesting but also stressful things.
Maybe it wasn't the most interesting thing to do, but staying at home in comparison with being surrounded by the wind and fresh air makes a huge difference.
Now at this hour there were more people on the streets and sometimes you had to push your way through.
People usually had to push through In-ho, who, no longer in pain but due to general fatigue, had no desire to pretend to be mentally and physically strong.
Life is so complicated and yet so boring.
My decisions always punish me for being stupid. Will something ever happen that will make me stop feeling this way? Or is this my fucking fate?
...
When he arrived at the park, he didn't even bother looking for a bench. He simply sat on the grass, trying to get as much fresh air as he could at once.
But fuck...of course his thoughts had other ideas. They never want In-ho to feel good, as if they were letting him rest for a moment, only to then blow everything he'd put together in that brief moment.
Even here, he imagined what it would be like to spend time with his family. With Jun-ho, with his wife, and... with his child.
He knew such a future was quite unlikely to happen, but he needed it so much that just thinking about it felt like a drug.
But why did such a future seem impossible? Was it because of something actually happening now, or something he couldn't name yet?
His thoughts were breaking into so many little pieces and he couldn't forget any of them.
He tried to breathe deeply but the only thing it gave him was some refreshing air.
Going back home wasn't a good idea either, so In-ho lay down on the grass, just watching the changing images in the sky, and thought he could stay here for a long time...
...And he did.
(sorry for such a long timeskip, I have no idea what to write...)
This enveloping moment of triche extended because, lying there like a total loser, In-ho fell asleep for quite a while.
He didn't know he was that sleepy, he didn't know he was sleepy at all.
Still half-asleep he got up and took his phone out of his pocket, it turned out it was 6 p.m.
6PM?!
He slept here for so long? Like an idiot? Like he didn't have a home and had to sleep on the streets?
Just thinking about people passing by seeing him like that was terribly embarrassing...
Maybe going home would be a good idea before he fell asleep again, drawn into the pleasant atmosphere that had been here until now.
As he walked to his house, still embarrassed by himself and the fact that he'd simply forgotten everything. He wanted to forget every little thing that bothered him, but when he did, it felt like he'd done something wrong, like he was running away for it.
These passing hours that he's going to spend waiting for something that might turn out to be so bad did not make him happy. Whatever it was, he wanted to experience it, feel it, live it. Now.
When he got home, he carelessly took off his shoes, not caring that they weren't in a good place. After a moment's thought, he headed for the kitchen to get a drink. He didn't want to drink alcohol again, so he simply poured himself some tap water, without even filtering it.
Not that In-ho drank this kind of water every day, but now it seemed to him to taste quite good, even if it had a slightly metallic taste.
-In-ho's Wife's Perspective-
Around 7 p.m., someone knocked on her door. She didn't expect it to be In-ho, but she asked anyway.
– Who's there? –
One of the nurses she knew quite well came into the room. She was kind and friendly; they saw each other every day and were quite friends.
But now the woman looked a little stressed but also worried, what happened?
– Your husband left this here earlier to give to you... he didn't want to wake you up, so. –
And the nurse placed a piece of paper on her lap. An ordinary, rather blank piece of paper, at least on the outside.
However, when she took it in her hands, she felt something inside. It wasn't just a piece of paper.
She raised her head to look at the woman and, already slightly irritated but also interested in what was going on, after a while she looked at her she looked at note again, this time opening it.
It wasn't anything too strange, but the contents still shocked her a bit. Why...
Inside there was In-ho's credit card and, as she expected, a short letter.
– Will you let me be alone while I read this? –
– I'd rather stay, but of course. I'll wait outside. –
– Thanks. –
When the nurse left the room, leaving only me and the quiet sounds of the machines that were saving her life, she opened the letter again, this time to read it.
With each sentence, her thoughts seemed to wander more and more. Why was In-ho giving this to her now? Had he gotten into some kind of trouble? Or maybe...no, definitely not something like that.
Was it weirder that the letter and the way In-ho wrote it or that he gave her his credit card as if it was some useless thing?
She could call In-ho now, but if he didn't even want to wait to give it to her, would he answered the phone? She could always try, but it never happened.
After sitting there for a long time without trying to do anything she would regret or without letting out all her emotions, the other woman entered the room again quietly, as if afraid of what she might find inside, what state she might se her in.
– Did he tell you anything else before he left the hospital? –
– Nothing suspicious. –
She raised her hand slightly so the nurse could see it and the whole time she was talking she was looking at the credit card.
– Really, because...giving it to me now won't do anything. He wrote that he feels safer with this decision, but in reality it won't do anything. –
– You think he gave it to you because something happened and he gave it to you just in case you needed anything? –
– What I need now is to give birth to my baby and recover from the disease. –
– Aren't you worried? –
Of course I am, and I care a bit too much... so much so that I'll give birth to this child even if it kills me. So that even if I'm gone, he can still have someone... his kid.
But that wasn't what she said. She decided to say something shorter and simpler.
– Of course I'm worried. –
– Then do whatever you can. You have one option, and that's to call him. –
– Do you think that if he wanted to talk, he would have written it on a piece of paper and run away? –
Even if she wanted to sound angry, her voice was too light.
– Ah, so you won't even try? –
– If he wants to rest, then ill let him. He has the right to do so. –
– Is it really that bad that you call calling each other unpleasant, not relaxing?
– Because, you know, you don't have to argue and you don't even have to talk much. Just knowing that there is someone on the other side that you love so much should be nice. –
– I never said I didn't like calling him. I said I wanted to give him a break. He seemed lost in thought today, so let him sort it all out and then when he's ready, let him come visit me. –
—End of In-ho's Wife's Perspective —
In-ho wondered if she had woken up yet, and if so... was she angry with him? Disappointed?How did she react? What did she think of him? Another time he messed up and 'apologized' like this. It must be annoying.
No matter how tiring it all was, he tried not to drift back to sleep, focusing on everything he could. From the quiet sound of the refrigerator running to the delicate sounds he could occasionally hear even through the closed window.
It's true that even when he did such things, a disturbing excitement was building up inside him at the thought that he could win a lot of money today, if only he tried hard and won, and... if it didn't turn out to be one big fraud.
... (another timeskip ,im really sorry!!)
9:46 pm
He was supposed to be at the 'pick-up location' at 10:30 pm, but all he kept in his mind all day, even after talking to Jun-ho, was still deepening to this little event.
Since the temperature outside was already quite low and unpleasant, if he was going to spend more time there, it would be better not to act tough and just put on a hoodie.
Before he left, he refreshed himself by rinsing his hands and face with cold water, which was so perfect for this moment.
When he left it was 10:02 pm.
He didn't have much time to get to where he was supposed to go because they chose a place suspiciously close because the city where he lived,Gyeonggi.
Here in Gyeonggi you could encounter many quiet, disturbing streets and corners where the only scene you could imagine were brutal murders from the front pages of newspapers.
Well, such thoughts, walking through such streets, weren't so strange. People have enormous imaginations that can sometimes make them fear innocent things.
One of the people with such a huge imagination was Jun-ho. He imagined all that might have happened while In-ho drifted away.
– ...I'm such a serious older brother. –
He said it with great sarcasm, of course, because everyone knows that In-ho is not serious. At least not too much.
When he got there, he looked around to see if there was anything else he could imagine and be scared of.
There were only some old abandoned or uninhabited buildings on this street.
The street itself didn't seem as unpleasant as the others because there was a single, dimly lit street lamp, which he leaned against after waiting for some time.
However, when he was knocked out of his cool stance by an oncoming white van. When he saw the van pull up next to him, he immediately backed up a bit, but stopped when he heard a voice. The same artificial, metallic voice as when he'd spoken to them earlier on the phone.
– Hwang In-Ho? –
– Y..yes? –
The gendarme received no further response. The only thing that happened was that the van's windows slid open.
Holy shit... should I go in there?
And if he had any left brain cells, he probably wouldn't have done it, but after observing the dark interior of the van for a moment, he got in and the door immediately closed behind him.
The chance of getting an answer was terribly small, but...
– Do you think I'm so poor that I can't—
Suddenly, gas was released into the van, which immediately made In-ho start coughing.
What the fuck have I gotten myself into...
And that was his last thought before he passed out because it was sleeping gas.
~~~~