Chapter Text
Alec was fairly sure he was the most maligned person in the history of the world. His suffering knows no bounds or depth.
At least that is how he feels looking down at his favorite croissant sitting on the sidewalk in front of him, having fallen out of his hand when someone jostled him.
God damn it, he deserved that croissant. It was from his favorite bakery and Shadowhunters have a very strict, carb limited diet. It was his treat. Today was his fucking cheat day.
As Alec considered the suffering he was forced to endure he noticed the music. He barely had time to process that it was the James Bond theme song before someone pushed him into a nearby alley.
He whipped out his seraph blade instinctively when he looked down.
“Mr. Banks,” Alec said sighing in relief before lowering his weapon.
“Mr. Lightwood,” the Gremlin replied.
“Can I… help you?”
Mr. Banks smiled ruefully and blinked purposefully, a hot new croissant now sitting in Alec’s hand.
“There we go,” Mr. Banks said, “I do not have time to deal with you if you’re going to be sulking.”
Alec almost retorted that he wasn’t sulking, and such an activity would be unfit for a man of his stature but ultimately decided to say nothing.
“What do you need?” Alec said instead.
Mr. Banks looked at him like he was an idiot as if to say what on earth could you do for me?
“You and Mr. Bane have not been engaging in coitus for the past three point five weeks.”
Alec felt his face flush as he stuttered out, “wh-wh-what? And why would that… Why do you even… How do you know?”
The Gremlin just looked at him balefully, “Does it matter? I am here to fix the problem. My employer is unhappy, and it is affecting his schedule, therefore making my life harder. What seems to be the problem?”
“What…?” Alec sighed deeply and looked at his rapidly cooling buttery treat. Today was not supposed to go like this.
Mr. Banks said nothing, just stared at him. Alec realized he was not going to escape this conversation.
“Listen, Mr. Banks, I appreciate how much you have helped Magnus and me out in the past. Getting us free time, and planning some extraordinary dates,” here Mr. Banks bowed a little to accept the compliment, “but this is between Magnus and me.”
“I have purchased your sex toys, Mr. Lightwood.”
“How do you even know we haven’t been…?”
“Mr. Bane’s showers have grown in length by 15% and he has increased his rates to Shadowhunter clients by 20%. The increased shower time seems to indicate a greater focus on self-pleasure, and increased rates suggest a more easily frustrated Warlock. Usually, this is his response to a dry spell.”
“Usually?”
Mr. Banks pulled out a notebook, “in 1890 he took a vow of chastity that lasted six months. Same reaction. In 1936 he did not take a bed partner for two months. Same reaction. In 19…”
Alec cut him off, “I get the idea.”
“Should I make an appointment with a sex therapist? Or perhaps a relationship counselor?”
“There is nothing wrong with our relationship!”
Mr. Banks raised a single violet eyebrow.
“There isn’t! I’ve just been… Busy,” Alec finished lamely.
Mr. Banks made a tutting noise and waved his blackberry, “you do realize I have your schedule here too right?”
“You do? How did you get that? God… That is such an invasion of…”
Mr. Banks did not look impressed by Alec’s indignation.
“Can we focus on the conversation at hand, Mr. Lightwood?”
“I just haven’t been in the mood lately,” Alec lied hoping to end this inquisition.
“I find that to be unlikely. Your shower time has also increased, though only by 5%… And the length of patrols you’ve been assigning as gone up. As well as required training time. Your Shadowhunters are beginning to get quite irritated with you.”
Sometimes Alec wondered if anyone in the history of humanity has suffered the way he has suffered.
“Look, Magnus and I had an argument, okay? Nothing dramatic. I just don’t want to give him the pleasure of seeing me fold first.”
“And the argument was about…?”
“He doesn’t like my cooking.”
“Excuse me?” Mr. Banks is looking almost surprised. The most emotion he has seen the small creature show since they’ve met and Alec feels a weird burst of pleasure at that.
“He insulted my spinach puffs.”
“So you…?”
“He is not allowed to hate my spinach puffs and still expect me to spread my legs,” Alec said without thinking, then blushing furiously at the blunt wording.
“I see…” Mr. Banks said thoughtfully, “does he know why you are punishing him?”
“Of course.”
“What would it take for you to forgive him?”
Alec tapped his chin thoughtfully, “I want him to admit that he was wrong. Then I want him to eat one of them in front of me.”
Mr. Banks sucked in a deep breath at that and looked lost. Alec smirked because he knew why the tiny man responded that way. Magnus was the single most stubborn person Alec has ever met in his life. The odds of him ever admitting he was wrong were in the single digits.
“Anything else? He could take you to his lovely country house in Noirmoutier. There is a Michelin rated restaurant there that I could get you reservations too.”
“No, I slaved over a stove all day while he was at work like a housewife only to have my cooking insulted. He can have sex with me when he says he was wrong… But if you also want to clear our schedule he can take me out too.”
Mr. Banks nodded sharply before turning on his James Bond music again and barrel rolling out of sight.
————————————————————-
Later that day Alec was lingering over his treat in his office. He just signed off on overtime hours for his Alpha team with a malicious smirk. Was he taking his sexual frustration out on the institute? Perhaps. But if he’s irritated then everyone should be irritated.
He heard a knock on his door; it was Magnus. Alec stood up and placed a soft kiss on the other man’s cheek. They were in a strange place in their relationship, both pretending there was absolutely nothing wrong. The last three weeks, if nothing else, has proved to be a test of willpower.
“Darling, how are you?” Magnus said perching on the corner of Alec’s desk.
“I am great, Mi Corazón,” Alec responded. His smile is verging on sickly sweet but managed to maintain a bit of sincerity.
Magnus sighed, defeated, “fine. Okay, Alec! You win. You win, your cooking is delicious, and I am blessed to get the opportunity. I was cruel not to think of your handwork and all the love you put in. I was… Wrong.”
Alec smirked victoriously, “and?”
Magnus grimaced and pulled out a spinach puff. Alec made more last night with this very moment in mind (though he was a bit tipsy at the time). Admittedly, looking at them in the cold, sober light of day they are a touch… Misshapen. And burnt.
Magnus looked him dead in the eye with a pleading look, but Alec looked back steadily. There was no mercy.
Magnus closed his eyes like he was about to take a shot, and choked the entire thing down in one fell swoop. Alec would be impressed if he hadn’t seen Magnus swallow around a much larger object.
“So, what made you change your mind?” Alec asked. He was genuinely pretty curious because Mr. Banks never speaks to Magnus to maintain the illusion.
“I was checking my schedule this morning… And noticed that all my shower times had been blocked out for an extra fifteen minutes… With no conceivable end in sight. Then I checked my email, and three different Shadowhunters were complaining about my increased rates.”
“So…?”
“So,” Magnus said rolling his eyes, “I couldn’t keep living this way. I was also thinking… My schedule has a few days free next week. Do you want to go to my country house? It is on this beautiful little island in France, Noirmoutier. You’ll love it.”
“A sexy vacation?”
Magnus smiled, almost hilariously relieved, “yes.”
“I suppose I could make that work.”
Magnus rolled his eyes and kissed him. Alec couldn’t help but smile smugly against his lips. His victories were rare, with Magnus being much older and wiser on nearly every topic.
It took him a moment to realize Magnus was smirking too and for a moment he felt a flash of fear. His ass was going to get it tonight, and he already dreads walking into the institute tomorrow.
——————————————-
He walks through the front doors with a slight limp and a definite soreness in his thighs.
Everyone in the Institute begins cheering with a sigh of relief.