Chapter Text
9 months ago
"Can you believe they shrunk the size of their large cups but kept the price the same?" Sangwon huffed, stirring his coffee lazily. "Maybe it's time we pick a new study spot."
"This coffee here is still the best on campus, though." Geonwoo replied lightly. "Besides, coming here is our Friday afternoon ritual. We basically own this table now. There's no way we can turn our back on it after we've laughed, cried, and almost died here."
"Hmm. You've definitely become more sentimental recently, Geonwoo-yah." Sangwon observed. "I'd love to say that you're finally learning from my good influence, but I think we both know that you'd never listen to me."
"Have I really changed? I'm still firmly an ESTJ. I did the MBTI test like 3 days ago." Geonwoo asked, sitting up straighter.
"You're still the same Geonwoo I've always known." Sangwon smiled, clearly amused by how his friend's ears were tinged pink. "But thanks to your new boyfriend, I've gotten to see other sides of you. It's nice."
Geonwoo laughed, clearly not expecting to be called out so explicitly. "I mean... Anxin's great. He really is great -" he commented sheepishly. "- in all aspects except for showing up on time to our dates."
"From what you've told me, he sounds like he's really good for you." Sangwon leaned forward with a grin. "You know, I never thought I'd see the day you'd be all starry-eyed over someone who arrived to your first date an hour late."
Geonwoo rolled his eyes. "He found a stray cat and had to take it to the emergency vet. Unbelievable," he scoffed, but his smile was undeniably fond. Geonwoo had been different lately - lighter, somehow. His best friend, who used to hate giving up control and only liked change when it was predictable, was now going out on spontaneous dates at 12am, coming home sleep-deprived but somehow happier. It made Sangwon glad, to see someone he cherished lift the weight off their shoulders, as well as a little... curious.
"So..." Sangwon started, setting his cup down. "When are we meeting him?"
"Huh?"
"You tell us about this Anxin all the time, but no one in our friend group has met your boyfriend in person yet," Sangwon explained simply. "Unless somehow Kangminie's met him without me knowing."
"Ah," Geonwoo said. It seemed like he had frozen for a second - barely enough for anyone else to notice, but Sangwon did anyway. "I... haven't really thought about that yet."
"Have any of your friends met him?" Sangwon asked, raising an eyebrow.
"It just hasn't happened." Geonwoo shrugged.
"Really? You've been seeing each other for a while now." Sangwon leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. "Sorry, I don't mean to push or anything - like it's totally fine. Go at your own pace - none of us would want you to feel pressured. I only said that because I was curious."
"Well... I don't know." Geonwoo's brows furrowed. "It's not that he has a problem with it, or that you guys hate him or anything. It's a me problem."
"It's not a problem." Sangwon reassured, reaching across to squeeze Geonwoo's hand.
"Okay, maybe not a problem, but... I just don't know if I'm ready yet." Geonwoo voiced. "I want to be ready, eventually - well, I hope I will be ready sometime soon."
"Is there anything right now making you feel... unready?" Sangwon asked, his voice softer than before.
Geonwoo hesitated, looking down at his hands. "I can't tell you," was all he could say. "I'm not sure myself."
There was a moment of silence - not awkward - just some time for both of them to ponder. There was no need to rush.
"I guess... when I'm with Anxin, everything feels simple." Geonwoo began slowly, clasping his hands together. "It's cheesy to say this, but... I feel safe around him. Not that he's a very intimidating kid in the first place."
"I'm sure our friends would all agree that he doesn't look the tiniest bit intimidating, your Anxin." Sangwon offered. "At least, based on the hard launch photos you posted."
"When we agreed to post each other for Valentine's Day, it took me a long time to choose what photos to upload," Geonwoo admitted. "Now that I think about it, I think I was kind of scared, even at the thought of dumb things like posting an Instagram story."
"What were you scared of then?" Sangwon prompted gently. "Are you still scared of the same thing now?"
Geonwoo's lips pressed together. "Maybe I'm afraid of change. Maybe I'm scared that people will reveal their prejudices that I didn't know about, or, I might just be afraid of being vulnerable. It's probably a combination of those 3 and I..." his voice trailed off, and he let out a small, helpless laugh. "God, I sound ridiculous. I'm not good at talking about these kinds of things."
"You don't sound ridiculous. Sometimes we feel things, sometimes we have a reason behind those feelings, and sometimes, feelings just... happen." Sangwon comforted him, his eyes monitoring Geonwoo's expressions. It had been a while since they'd had a proper chat like this, just the two of them. "Your feelings are not ridiculous. You're protecting what matters to you, because, well, it's human instinct."
Geonwoo looked up at him. "Protecting it from what, though?"
"Maybe from the world, maybe from yourself. When we care about something deeply, we want to keep it unharmed for as long as possible. Often, the safest place is somewhere only we know. And so, we end up hiding things." Sangwon considered. "Which is fine. You don't owe anyone anything. Your feelings belong to you."
Geonwoo's mouth curved into a small, grateful smile. "Thanks."
Sangwon reached out and nudged his friend's hand lightly. "Take your time. I can tell he means a lot to you." he said. "When you're ready and I finally get to meet him, I promise not to interrogate him. Much."
Geonwoo chuckled, kicking Sangwon's shins under the table. "That's what I'm afraid of."
"Me? Or everyone else." Sangwon smirked. "I feel like Leejeong would scare him a little, the poor thing."
His best friend smiled. "You're not scary to me, Lee Sangwon."
-
Present day
Anxin's head fit snugly under Sangwon's chin.
Sangwon's arm was curved around Anxin's waist, his palm splayed over the thin fabric of the younger's T-shirt, feeling the slow rise and fall of his breathing. Anxin, still lying on top of him, traced his fingers idly along Sangwon's forearm, following the shape of the veins under his skin. The bed creaked softly when one of them shifted, but neither of them pulled away, melting into each other.
"Anxin," Sangwon whispered, breaking the silence. "Why did you kiss me?"
The younger's face remained buried in the crook of Sangwon's neck, concealing his expression. "I don't know," Anxin murmured after a moment, his lips brushing against Sangwon's skin. Sangwon barely suppressed a shudder.
"Then why?"
Slowly, Sangwon reached up to cup Anxin's cheek with one hand, tilting his head to ensure their gazes met properly.
"You know why I kissed you back," Sangwon said weakly, watching Anxin's expression. "But I don't know why you kissed me."
Anxin inhaled sharply. Sangwon lingered on his face, craving a sign, any hint that his heart beat in rhythm with his own.
"Do you want me?" Sangwon asked. "Or do you just want to prove something to him?"
A flicker of guilt flashed through Anxin's expression before quickly being overtaken by a wave of what seemed like fear. "I don't know." the younger said, his pace quickening. "Thinking about all of it - you and him and me - it's complicated. I'm scared."
Sangwon gave a small, strained smile. "Feelings usually end up being complicated." his voice faltered, quieter now. His hand slipped from Anxin's face.
"I know this isn't fair to you," Anxin's voice was barely audible. "Hyung probably thinks I'm terrible."
"No," Sangwon cut in. "Just human."
He didn't move away completely - neither of them did - but the air between them shifted. What had felt warm a moment ago now felt fragile and uncertain. As he looked into Anxin's eyes, filled with worry and contemplation, Sangwon felt a painful sense of nostalgia.
"Maybe you should stay with Hao-hyung tonight. I'm sure he's still up." Sangwon decided to say, summoning his courage. "I'll walk you to his room."
"Hyung," Anxin clasped onto Sangwon's collar, his face drawing dangerously close to the elder's again. "I'm sorry. I meant it earlier, when I said I didn't want our relationship to be about Geonwoo-hyung anymore. And I know I'm always relying on you, I've always relied on you too much, it's my fault, and I'm sorry -"
"There's nothing to be sorry about." Sangwon placed his two hands over Anxin's gently, pushing him backwards carefully. "You're not going to lose me, that's not what's happening here. We won't lose each other again, ever. I want you to rely on me, especially when things are tough and the world is cruel to you."
"Sangwon-hyung, I want to stay with you tonight, please." Anxin pleaded. His hands were trembling now, his eyes shining. "I won't do anything like that again - I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."
"Anxin, I-"
"I really like you, Hyung." Anxin blurted out, pulling Sangwon impossibly closer. "I really do. You are always here, and you actually listen, and my feelings, us, everything... it just happened. I've been a mess, and I've done things that have definitely confused you. But I just - " his voice wavered as he went on. "I didn't want you to think that it meant nothing. It did. It does. You have to believe me. Hyung, please."
Sangwon looked at him, caught between wanting to reach out and the instinct to pull back. His hesitation was noticed by Anxin.
"Don't walk me to anyone else's room." Anxin urged him. "Let me stay by your side."
Sangwon remained quiet for a long time, his hands slowly falling to his sides. The silence between them was stretched thin by the weight of it all - the kiss, the uncertainty, the words they had and hadn't said.
"I think we need some space for a little bit - I need space, just for a bit. I'm sorry, Xin-ah." Sangwon said weakly. "I think we need to figure out what all of this means before either of us get... really hurt."
Anxin's eyes softened, though the ache in them didn't fade. "I understand," he murmured, resting his hands on Sangwon's shoulders. "I do. I just don't want to lose you again. Don't shut me out."
Sangwon's heart twisted.
"I won't." Sangwon affirmed. "I... don't think you should be alone right now. So, I promise I'm not going anywhere. Let's just... take it slow."
Anxin nodded slowly, though his hands were still trembling.
Later that night, long after Anxin had gone, Sangwon sat on the edge of his bed, the silence of his room wrapping around him and squeezing on his chest. The faint scent of Anxin's cologne still lingered on his bed, impossible to ignore. He kept replaying everything, the way Anxin's voice had cracked, the way Anxin's body felt in his arms, and the kiss that still burned faintly on his lips. In every sense of the word, their kiss was real - real enough that part of him didn't care whether it came from heartbreak or affection. But now, sitting alone, the uncertainty gnawed at his soul, breaking off chunks of his heart one at a time.
Sangwon could never deny that he liked Anxin. But liking him meant wading through everything that still haunted him: his jealousy, his self-doubt, and Kim Geonwoo, the ghost that refused to leave the room even when he wasn't there. One thought kept looping in his mind, taunting him: if Sangwon was just there to help Anxin forget, what would happen when he finally could? What would happen when Geonwoo gave up again? Would Sangwon's touch be enough to put Anxin back together, or would the cracks in both of their hearts start to widen?
Sangwon knew he wouldn't end up sleeping that night, not for a while, with how his doubts flooded his brain and his phone buzzed with notifications bearing a custom ringtone. Now, it seemed like a taunt, rather than a proof of his affection.
Sangwon closed his eyes, breathing in and out deeply. They were both trying to heal their open wounds, pressing them together as if pain could close pain. It would take time before the two of them, or rather, the three of them, would be able to walk away. For now, he wanted to work on taking 1 step forward, carrying fragments of his dear friends in his arms.